jmdrake

Originally Posted by jmdrake

This parody is an attempt to "rewrite" the bill of rights in keeping with the current application by our criminal government. Original text will be in italics followed by a list of possible options.


Amendment I

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.


Congress shall make no law establishing religion, but shall act as if it did; and shall make no laws abridging the freedom of speech, unless such speech can be construed as "commercial speech" or "irresponsible speech" or "offensive speech;" or shall abridge the right of the people to peaceably assemble where and when permitted; or shall abridge the right to petition the government for a redress of grievances, under proper procedures.

It shall be unlawful to cry "Fire!" in a theater occupied by three or more persons, unless such persons shall belong to a class declared Protected by one or more divisions of Federal, State or Local government, in which case the number of persons shall be one or more.


Amendment II

A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.


A well regulated Blackwater goon squad, being necessary to the security of a police State, the right of the children to keep and play violent first person shooter video games, shall not be infringed.

A well-regulated military force shall be maintained under control of the President, and no political entity within the United States shall maintain a military force beyond Presidential control. The right of the people to keep and bear arms shall be determined by the Congress and the States and the Cities and the Counties and the Towns (and someone named Brady.)


Amendment III

No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.


No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law. Nor shall he or she be quartered in a decent hospital, nor shall any provision be made that he or she will be quartered at all after discharge.

The government will, however, reserve the right to temporarily commandeer your home, business or personal computer network for the purposes of homeland security.


Amendment IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.


The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, unless the government decides otherwise, and then it may commit said violations and no Warrant being issued, in cooperation with any telecommunication companies that want special favors, regardless of probable cause, in which case they need not be supported by Oath or affirmation, nor shall it be required to describe the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.


The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects against unreasonable searches and seizures may not be suspended except to protect public welfare. Any place or conveyance shall be subject to search by law enforcement forces of any political entity, and any such places or conveyances, or any property within them, may be confiscated without judicial proceeding if believed to be used in a manner contrary to law.


Amendment V

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.


No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury or a ham sandwich, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb unless the government loses the first time; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself except where physical pain is involved in the compulsion, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation unless a few marijuana seeds are found within or unless the government decides that someone else would generate more tax revenue.


Amendment VI

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.


Any person accused of a crime has a right to a fair and speedy torture, and if he or she wants a lawyer, he or she may select an ACLU attorney to share his or her torture. All other rights of one so accused are abridged forthwith immediately the powerful determine that said accused is against us, not with us.

The accused shall have a right to speedy imprisonment. Police shall have the right to arrest and imprison without bringing accused to a magistrate first for an examining trial. Prosecutors and Judges shall have the right to ex parte communications. Judges shall have the right to instruct fully uninformed Juries as to the Law. It shall be unlawful to bar or deter an incompetent person from service on a jury.


Amendment VII

In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.



Amendment VIII

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.


Excessive bail shall not be required unless a runaway judge deems necessary, nor excessive fines imposed except under the direction of the IRS, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted unless it is needed to get a prisoner to confess to a crime that happened after he was incarcerated in solitary confinement.



Amendment IX

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.


The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people, until the federal government can grow sufficiently to ursurp them unto itself.


Amendment X

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people.


The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, shall be assumed as deemed necessary by the United States for the good of the union, and as a last resort the powers are reserved to the States respectively, or maybe to the people.