We're So Lucky to Have Such Great Choices
I just can't decide who to vote for in the presidential race. They're both just so perfect! I can't believe it. Things are just going so well I never considered firing the president, but this Romney guy is just such a temptation!
Romney promises us more war. Obama promised us just the opposite, but that's ok, because he saw Dubya's two wars and raised us three police actions. I think that's a wonderful thing, and can't wait for the next one. I heard somewhere that with six you get egg roll!
The value of the dollar is shrinking like wool in a hot dryer. This, of course, is making my savings worthless. But there's a bright side that makes it all worthwhile. Why, if the dollar keeps shrinking this way, next thing you know I'll be getting ten thousand a month! Ten thousand a month--think of it! Of course, by then hamburger will be forty dollars a pound and I'll probably be starving, but I'm sure I'll still feel like a millionaire! Assuming I still have a job...
The Republicans put drones in the sky so they can see through my bedroom window. Now I don't even have to go to the trouble to brag about it when I get lucky--the whole world knows! And the Democrats are going to put GPS tracking in my car so they can charge me taxes for every mile I drive. Of course, between those taxes and four dollar a gallon gas, the GPS ought to be on my bicycle, but it's sure worth it. Isn't it wonderful that everyone is taking such an interest in us? I've never felt so fascinating before. Heck, I remember when as long as you didn't rob, rape or kill anyone, government would almost ignore you completely. Now I feel so very special.
We all have such wonderful toys, these days. Everything so slick and shiny and made in China, and cheap cheap cheap! Yet even though its so cheap, I can still lord it over the neighbors because they were all in manufacturing, and now they're lucky if they can afford both rent a bottle of rye whiskey. What's more, all this Chinese stuff lasts exactly thirteen months, and falls apart. So, I'm always technologically up to date! I always have the latest gadget! I could never say that back when 'durable goods' almost always lasted a whole three or four years. And not only has Obama helped get us to this wonderful place in a hurry, but you just know Romney the Bain corporate raider will make sure that I'm never tempted to spend more on a quality product made right here at home. Even if he has to buy up every company in the country and sell off all their assets. Why, when he has the IRS at his disposal, he won't even have to buy them first. That ought to speed things up!
And after decades of Medicare driving the prices of medical services up with its insistence on all kinds of specialists, its price fixing and its mountains of paperwork, we really need one of these guys. They both want the same government who screwed medicine up to take it over completely. I'm for that because then it will have an excuse to crack down on smokers, and fat people, and anyone else who drives up medical costs by doing unhealthy things like breathing the air and eating the Monsanto food.
Both Romney and Obama are just so perfect. Why, when I saw Romney on Univision, he even looked like Obama! And Obama is handing the nation over to the big corporations on a silver platter, just the way Romney handed Massachusetts over to them on a silver platter. No wonder you never hear of any other parties or candidates on the news. Why, it's just like Will Rogers said--if the newspapers knock a guy a lot, there must be some good in him. Well, the news media doesn't even bother to knock candidates like Gary Johnson. And if the media and their corporate sponsors hate him so much they won't even mention his name, well, obviously he's some kind of kook who thinks the corporations aren't important and we, the people are important. That's just so nineteenth century! God forbid we let little things like our rights and our jobs stand in the way of progress!
So, I don't know who I'm voting for. But I know who I'm not voting for! Both Romney and Obama will sell my job to India and send my children to Iran, leaving me with nothing. But if I don't pick the right one to vote for, I won't be able to brag that I backed the winner!
So, you vote for the one you think will win, and I'll back the one I think will win, and we can compare notes in Guantanimo. See you there!