Post a Joke, Best Joke gets a +Rep!

[Jan2017]

Obama was a great president.

LOL

(Repeat) because it is what I feel now on UNIX/FortranIV WATFIV "internets" . . .

How did Bill Gates come up with the name for his new company . . . 'microsoft' (?)

He looked between his legs.

[Anti Globalist]

My friend David lost his ID.

Now we just call him Dav.

[Danke]

LOL



He looked between his legs.

His chair was small and soft?

[Schifference]

John McCain was a great American Hero!

[Anti Globalist]

And Mitt Romney was the reincarnation of Thomas Jefferson.

[Jamesiv1]

Guess what.

Chickenbutt.

[Anti Globalist]

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

Bison.

[DamianTV]

Guess what.

Chickenbutt.

So, whats up? A chickens butt when it eats!
(think about it...)

[Danke]

What's the difference between Batman and a Injun man?

Batman can go to the store without robin

[Danke]

Sorry if posted before in this thread.

[AZJoe]

[AZJoe]

[Anti Globalist]

What did the deer say when he left the gay bar?

"I can't believe I blew 50 bucks back there."

[Working Poor]

Confucius say: Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day

Confucius say: Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

Confucius say: Man with hand in pocket is having a ball.

Confucius say: Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!

Confucius say: Woman who absentmindedly answer the door in her nightie is "Negligent"

[Anti Globalist]

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was out standing in this field.

[tod evans]

Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
upset----I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
__________________

[heavenlyboy34]

DamianTV owes ya a +rep for that one.


When I was living in Germany, I heard that a lot. No HB, it wasn't at gay bars.

[Anti Globalist]

How does a crazy person walk through a forest?

He takes the psychopath.

[tod evans]

The good old days are slowing slipping away from us...


THE NEW ANT and the Grasshopper, Two Versions:


The ANT
AND THE
GRASSHOPPER

This one is a little different....
Two Different Versions ...
Two Different Morals

OLD VERSION

The ant works
hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper
thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm
and well fed.

The grasshopper has
no food or shelter, so he
dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE OLD STORY:

Be responsible for yourself!


MODERN
VERSION

The ant works hard
in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house
and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant
is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper
calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be
allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving..

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN,
and ABC show up to
provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper
next to a video of the ant
in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast.


How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper
is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears
on Oprah
with the grasshopper
and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green ...'

Occupy the Anthill stages
a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the
Black Lives Matter group singing, We shall overcome.

Then Reverend Al Sharpton
has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper
while he damns the ants. He later appears on MSNBC to complain that rich people do not care.

Former President Obama condemns the ant
and blames
Donald Trump, President Bush 43, President Bush 41, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the
Pope
for the grasshopper's
plight.

Nancy Pelosi & Chuck Schumer
exclaim in an interview on The View
that the ant has
gotten rich off the back of the
grasshopper ,
and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts
the Economic Equity &
Anti-Grasshopper Act
retroactive to the beginning of
the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number
of green bugs and,
having; nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar
and given to the grasshopper .


The story ends as we see the grasshopper
and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house,
crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken
over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and peaceful, neighborhood.

The entire Nation collapses
bringing the rest
of the free world with it.


MORAL OF THE STORY:

Be careful how you vote in 2018.

[Swordsmyth]

The Trix Rabbit, Captain Crunch, Tony the Tiger and the Lucky Charms Leprechaun were all found dead this week after having been drowned face down in oversized bowls of milk.


Police believe a cereal killer is responsible and have asked the public to exercise extreme caution.

[Anti Globalist]

What do you call somebody with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

[Schifference]

The Trix Rabbit, Captain Crunch, Tony the Tiger and the Lucky Charms Leprechaun were all found dead this week after having been drowned face down in oversized bowls of milk.


Police believe a cereal killer is responsible and have asked the public to exercise extreme caution.

I thought Clinton to blame prior to punchline.

[Todd]

My favorite:


A baker hires a young female assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and a thong.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and then at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The girl nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf.
The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, gets an excellent view just as he planned.

Once she comes down he says he should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.
As the girl retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on.
Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer.
Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see her climb up and down.

After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below.

She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her.
Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man: "I guess yours is raisin, too?"

"No," stammers the old man: "but it's a quiverin'!"

[Swordsmyth]

I thought Clinton to blame prior to punchline.

Perhaps you are right about the cereal killer's identity?

[Anti Globalist]

A horse walks into the bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

[CCTelander]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on a highway outside Washington D.C. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have taken the entire US Congess hostage and are demanding a $100 million dollar ransom. If they don't get it they intend to douse them all with gasoline and light them on fire. We're going from car to car asking for donations."

"How much is everyone giving on average?"

"Roughly a gallon."

[Anti Globalist]

How do you organize a party in space?

You planet.

[Danke]

An anarchist and a self identified Libertarian walk into RFPs pretending not to be a leftist.

[Swordsmyth]

An anarchist and a self identified Libertarian walk into RFPs pretending not to be a leftist.

And then they tell everyone that the way to change things is to not vote without starting a revolution.

[fedupinmo]

Centuries ago, the pope decreed that Jews in Italy had to convert or leave. There was an outcry from the Jewish community, so the pope offered a deal: He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the pope won, they would have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people picked an aged, wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The pope raised three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that the pope stood and declared that he was beaten. The rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay.

Later the cardinals met with the pope and asked him what had happened.

The pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God ruled from Heaven above. He responded by pointing to the ground to remind me that the Devil also has a dominion below. I pulled out the wine and water, to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had beaten me at every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he had won.

"I haven't a clue," said the rabbi. "First, he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."