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Thread: Post a Joke, Best Joke gets a +Rep!

  1. #181
    Q: Why are there so many unsolved murders in Texas?







    A: There are no dental records and everyone has the same DNA
    Pfizer Macht Frei!

    Openly Straight Man, Danke, Awarded Top Rated Influencer. Community Standards Enforcer.


    Quiz: Test Your "Income" Tax IQ!

    Short Income Tax Video

    The Income Tax Is An Excise, And Excise Taxes Are Privilege Taxes

    The Federalist Papers, No. 15:

    Except as to the rule of appointment, the United States have an indefinite discretion to make requisitions for men and money; but they have no authority to raise either by regulations extending to the individual citizens of America.



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  3. #182
    Quote Originally Posted by Danke View Post
    Q: Why are there so many unsolved murders in Texas?







    A: There are no dental records and everyone has the same DNA
    Ah crap. That was funny. You dumb ass. I wasn't even expecting it. But it was the first thing I saw when I clicked on the thread.

    Seems like I must spread some rep around first, though. Or so says the bot.

  4. #183
    Q: What kind of wood doesn't float?











    A: Natalie.

  5. #184
    How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?










    Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ron Paul View Post
    The intellectual battle for liberty can appear to be a lonely one at times. However, the numbers are not as important as the principles that we hold. Leonard Read always taught that "it's not a numbers game, but an ideological game." That's why it's important to continue to provide a principled philosophy as to what the role of government ought to be, despite the numbers that stare us in the face.
    Quote Originally Posted by Origanalist View Post
    This intellectually stimulating conversation is the reason I keep coming here.



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  7. #185
    “[T]he enshrinement of constitutional rights necessarily takes certain policy choices off the table.” (Heller, 554 U.S., at ___, 128 S.Ct., at 2822.)

    How long before "going liberal" replaces "going postal"?

  8. #186
    Quote Originally Posted by Suzanimal View Post
    How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
    What is the difference between a woman and a light bulb?





    You don't need a coat hanger to unscrew a light bulb.
    Pfizer Macht Frei!

    Openly Straight Man, Danke, Awarded Top Rated Influencer. Community Standards Enforcer.


    Quiz: Test Your "Income" Tax IQ!

    Short Income Tax Video

    The Income Tax Is An Excise, And Excise Taxes Are Privilege Taxes

    The Federalist Papers, No. 15:

    Except as to the rule of appointment, the United States have an indefinite discretion to make requisitions for men and money; but they have no authority to raise either by regulations extending to the individual citizens of America.

  9. #187
    How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?












    She kick starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ron Paul View Post
    The intellectual battle for liberty can appear to be a lonely one at times. However, the numbers are not as important as the principles that we hold. Leonard Read always taught that "it's not a numbers game, but an ideological game." That's why it's important to continue to provide a principled philosophy as to what the role of government ought to be, despite the numbers that stare us in the face.
    Quote Originally Posted by Origanalist View Post
    This intellectually stimulating conversation is the reason I keep coming here.

  10. #188

  11. #189

  12. #190

  13. #191

  14. #192
    Q: What do a Marine and a submarine have in common?














    A: A sailor will go down on either one!
    Pfizer Macht Frei!

    Openly Straight Man, Danke, Awarded Top Rated Influencer. Community Standards Enforcer.


    Quiz: Test Your "Income" Tax IQ!

    Short Income Tax Video

    The Income Tax Is An Excise, And Excise Taxes Are Privilege Taxes

    The Federalist Papers, No. 15:

    Except as to the rule of appointment, the United States have an indefinite discretion to make requisitions for men and money; but they have no authority to raise either by regulations extending to the individual citizens of America.



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  16. #193
    A rich man and a poor man are both buying anniversary gifts for their girlfriends. "What are you getting your girlfriend?" asks the poor man. And the rich man says "I'm getting her a diamond ring and a Mercedes." "Why both?" asks the poor man. And the rich man says "That way if she doesn't like the ring she can still enjoy the Mercedes when she returns the ring." And then the rich man asks the poor man "What are you getting your girlfriend?" And the poor man says "I'm buying her a pair of slippers and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the slippers she can go $#@! herself."
    Quote Originally Posted by Ron Paul View Post
    The intellectual battle for liberty can appear to be a lonely one at times. However, the numbers are not as important as the principles that we hold. Leonard Read always taught that "it's not a numbers game, but an ideological game." That's why it's important to continue to provide a principled philosophy as to what the role of government ought to be, despite the numbers that stare us in the face.
    Quote Originally Posted by Origanalist View Post
    This intellectually stimulating conversation is the reason I keep coming here.

  17. #194
    Quote Originally Posted by openfire View Post
    Would you support Trump if he picks Rand Paul as VP?

    Just curious...
    ..

  18. #195
    A doctor says to his patient, "I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, but you only have 5 minutes to live."

    The patient asks, "Is there anything I can do?"

    The doctor says, "Well, I guess you can boil an egg."

  19. #196
    A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00

    His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

    It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

    When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

    The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!

    The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

    Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

    The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"

    The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

    The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell

    him."

    Guido trembles and signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.

    The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"



    The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
    Brawndo's got what plants crave. Its got electrolytes.



    H. L. Mencken said it best:


    “Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.”


    "As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron."

  20. #197
    This chick told me she was pregnant and that's why she had been gaining so much weight. I said, "You've been pregnant for 5 years?"

  21. #198

    Three Men Walk Into a Bar...

    A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar together. The bartender sees them and asks, "What is this? A joke?"
    "Then David said to the Philistine, 'You come to me with a sword, a spear, and a javelin, but I come to you in the name of Yahweh of hosts, the God of the battle lines of Israel, Whom you have reproached.'" - 1 Samuel 17:45

    "May future generations look back on our work and say that these were men and women who, in moment of great crisis, stood up to their politicians, the opinion-makers, and the Establishment, and saved their country." - Dr. Ron Paul

  22. #199
    A hermit who had always been a good and kind man, but had never belonged to any organized religion, died and went to heaven. St. Peter said, 'We're awfully glad to have you here, but I'm in a quandary. I'm not sure where you would best fit in. Let's try with the Judaic sects, the Jews and Christians and Muslims, the people who recognize the names Job and Moses and Abraham, and let you see what you think.'

    So the man stayed there a time, and St. Peter came to check on him. 'I love it here,' said the hermit, 'but I don't really feel like I fit in. I don't want to offend anyone. Maybe I should try another group.'

    So St. Peter put him in with the Buddhists and Hindus and the Eastern sects. And after a time, he came to check on the hermit. 'It's wonderful here,' he said. 'I have no complaints at all. But I feel maybe I don't fit in even as well as with the other group. Did you say there was a third group? Perhaps I should try that?'

    St. Peter hemmed and hawed, and prevaricated a bit, and finally said, 'We can try it if you want. But you must be very scrupulous to go along with the crowd. You must work very hard to fit in and not make waves. And you must never, never, ever tell about the things you've seen so far. I need your solemn vow about this!

    'You see,' said the saint, 'the third group is the Baptists, and they think they're the only ones up here.'
    Quote Originally Posted by Swordsmyth View Post
    We believe our lying eyes...

  23. #200
    How are martini's like breasts?











    One is not enough but three is too many.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ron Paul View Post
    The intellectual battle for liberty can appear to be a lonely one at times. However, the numbers are not as important as the principles that we hold. Leonard Read always taught that "it's not a numbers game, but an ideological game." That's why it's important to continue to provide a principled philosophy as to what the role of government ought to be, despite the numbers that stare us in the face.
    Quote Originally Posted by Origanalist View Post
    This intellectually stimulating conversation is the reason I keep coming here.



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  25. #201
    Quote Originally Posted by Suzanimal View Post
    How are martini's like breasts?


    ...One is not enough but three is too many.
    There's no such thing as too many breasts, as long as they come in pairs
    Brawndo's got what plants crave. Its got electrolytes.



    H. L. Mencken said it best:


    “Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.”


    "As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron."

  26. #202
    Quote Originally Posted by Suzanimal View Post
    How are martini's like breasts?


    One is not enough but three is too many.
    My mom never breast-fed me. She told me she just wanted to be friends.
    Pfizer Macht Frei!

    Openly Straight Man, Danke, Awarded Top Rated Influencer. Community Standards Enforcer.


    Quiz: Test Your "Income" Tax IQ!

    Short Income Tax Video

    The Income Tax Is An Excise, And Excise Taxes Are Privilege Taxes

    The Federalist Papers, No. 15:

    Except as to the rule of appointment, the United States have an indefinite discretion to make requisitions for men and money; but they have no authority to raise either by regulations extending to the individual citizens of America.

  27. #203
    any of these should qualify as it took $#@!ing guts to get up there vs typing them lol






  28. #204
    Quote Originally Posted by Deborah K View Post
    Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a

    conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said
    " So why are you here ? "

    The yellow Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the
    curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed
    in the middle of my owner's bed."

    The black Lab said, " So what?s the vet going to do ? "

    " Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the yellow Lab.
    "They reckon it'll calm me down."

    The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked " why are you here ?"

    The Black Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
    trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
    But

    I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners'
    couch."

    " So what are they going to do to you ? " the Yellow Lab inquired.
    " Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

    The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here?
    " I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a

    pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see."
    Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry
    her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
    started hammering away."
    The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, " So,
    it's nutsoff for you too, huh ?"

    The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped !

    OMG, I lol'd all the way through that.

  29. #205
    Quote Originally Posted by Guitarzan View Post
    Donald Rumsfeld walks into a bar and sees George Bush sitting there.

    He sits down next to Bush, and tells Bush he has some unfortunate news...that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq that same morning.

    Bush immediately throws his head down into his arms and starts weeping uncontrollably...

    Rumseld, knowing Bush to be a person that didn't show his emotions often, was dumbfounded by Bush's reaction, and asked why he was so shaken by this marginal news.

    To which Bush looked up sobbing and asked, "Just how many is two brazilian?"

    Hahaha!

    Fits the Bush I knew and hated.

  30. #206
    I used to be into Sadistic Necrophilic Bestiality, until I realized I was just beating a dead horse.
    CPT Jack. R. T.
    US Army Resigned - Iraq Vet.
    Level III MACP instructor, USYKA/WYKKO sensei
    Professional Hunter/Trapper/Country living survivalist.

  31. #207
    A woman goes to a plastic surgeon and says that she wants breast reduction surgery.

    The Doc has her disrobe and after examining her he says, "Are you sure? You've got the nicest breasts I've ever seen, and I've been in the business a long time.

    The woman says Yes that she is sure, that she has been thinking about it for a while now and that is what she wants.

    So the Doc says OK, but first he will have to numb them.

    The woman says OK, do what you have to.

    The Doc grabs both her tits, shoves his head between them and shakes his head from side to side...

    Num, num, num, num, num.

  32. #208
    Q: What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?







    A: Crust
    Pfizer Macht Frei!

    Openly Straight Man, Danke, Awarded Top Rated Influencer. Community Standards Enforcer.


    Quiz: Test Your "Income" Tax IQ!

    Short Income Tax Video

    The Income Tax Is An Excise, And Excise Taxes Are Privilege Taxes

    The Federalist Papers, No. 15:

    Except as to the rule of appointment, the United States have an indefinite discretion to make requisitions for men and money; but they have no authority to raise either by regulations extending to the individual citizens of America.



  33. Remove this section of ads by registering.
  34. #209
    Quote Originally Posted by Danke View Post
    Q: What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?







    A: Crust
    Cheese.

  35. #210
    Quote Originally Posted by tod evans View Post
    Cheese.

    Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?






    A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork
    Pfizer Macht Frei!

    Openly Straight Man, Danke, Awarded Top Rated Influencer. Community Standards Enforcer.


    Quiz: Test Your "Income" Tax IQ!

    Short Income Tax Video

    The Income Tax Is An Excise, And Excise Taxes Are Privilege Taxes

    The Federalist Papers, No. 15:

    Except as to the rule of appointment, the United States have an indefinite discretion to make requisitions for men and money; but they have no authority to raise either by regulations extending to the individual citizens of America.

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