The Week That Perished

[Anti Federalist]

The Week That Perished

https://www.takimag.com/article/the-...-perished-162/

Takimag

October 31, 2021

The Week’s Most Fleeting, Cheating, and Trick-or-Treating Headlines

GAY BASH GAY BASHED

Blacks and gays come across as two Southern gentlemen slapping each other in the face with dueling gloves for all eternity.

Even after last week’s failed “tranny walkout,” LGBTBLTs are continuing to pressure Netflix to renounce and remove Dave Chappelle’s stand-up special because of the comedian’s “transphobic” jokes (not sure why it’s a “phobia” to say men aren’t women; sound more like a “fact”).

Even though the manwomen at Netflix have so far failed to get Chappelle’s special removed from the streaming service, high-profile gays like George “I miss the communal bathrooms in Tule Lake” Takei and poet Saeed Jones (author of “Ode to a Grecian Glory Hole”) are working hard to promote boycotts of Netflix because you have offended mah honor, sah (slap)!

Gays slap blacks!

At the same time, however, blacks have successfully torpedoed the Boston Pride Parade, one of the oldest gay-pride events in the country. What was supposed to be Boston Pride’s 50th anniversary has turned into Boston Pride’s epitaph. Not only has the parade been called off, but last week the entire Boston Pride organization disbanded—willingly, of its own accord—because black protesters “convinced” the leadership that Boston Pride was too white, too LGB but not enough T, too bourgeois, and too welcoming of gays who don’t think police should be defunded.

The tolerance parade was too tolerant so in the name of tolerance the tolerant leaders declared the parade intolerant in order to create more tolerance.

Figure that one out!

In the end, the Boston Pride leaders simply grew tired of BLM protesters blockading the parade route, as has happened every time over the past six years, so they surrendered. No more parade, ever.

Blacks slap gays!

It’s like watching the Three Stooges if Curly were a ghetto thug and Moe was transitioning to Monique.

IT’S THE GREAT PUMPKIN, SURLY BROWNS

And on the topic of canceled parades, blacks followed up their victory over the Beantown buggerers by quashing some squash.

Benjamin Franklin Day Elementary School in Seattle always took pride in its annual Halloween Pumpkin Parade. Children marching with pumpkins while parents take photos and think “What a magic moment” as the kids wonder when they’ll get to the part where they eat candy.

Alas, the parade has now been ended for good, because school admins decided that the event was racist. The exact quote from school officials: “The parade marginalizes students of color who do not celebrate the holiday.”

Admins claimed that “students of color,” “specifically African-American males,” “have requested to be isolated on campus while the event took place.”

The administrators seem to be saying that black boys are skeered o’ pumpkins. “We can’t let black males see pumpkins because they faint from shock.”

Yeah, that’s way more racist than a parade. And unfounded, too; the school offered no evidence that a single black male student skedaddled Stepin Fetchit-style upon viewing a jack-o’-lantern.

This is yet another example of the inversion of 1980s dynamics. During the period of the born-agains and televangelists, it was the evangelicals who protested Halloween events. And school administrators resisted, because Halloween is fun for kids, and always has been.

But now, woke leftists cancel Halloween events in the name of blacks who are likely not complaining in the first place.

Especially not when free candy is involved.

If this catches on, pumpkins might join the ranks of nooses and Confederate flags as things that warrant a hate-crime charge if displayed publicly.

Poor Linus…formerly mocked for his misplaced faith, now prosecuted as a genocidal KKK insurrectionist.

SOROS, YOU MAGNIFICENT (MILE) BASTARD

Certain things in life defy rational explanation. UFOs, paranormal sightings, and of course Dane Cook’s former popularity.

But the most fascinating unexplained mystery of the moment is the Great Shoplifting Epidemic. Why are once-glorious shopping districts now plagued by rampant robberies, to the extent that stores are choosing to shutter due to massive stock losses?

As an example, there’s Chicago’s Magnificent Mile. Once known as “the crown jewel of American retail,” the Magnificent Mile is now the “Maaaaaan-ificent Mile,” beset by smash-and-grab shoplifting attacks and muggings of shoppers. What used to be a draw for tourists is now an ugly pastiche of vacant, boarded-up storefronts and for-sale signs. Anchor stores like Macy’s and Disney have fled, the latter realizing that “diversity” might be fine in movies, but when it comes to neighborhoods, “hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to the suburbs we go.”

Last week the Chicago PD, or what’s left of it after defunding, issued a warning to stay away from the Magnificent Mile due to the roving bands of extras from Death Wish.

When asked by CBS Chicago if the fleeing businesses are ever likely to return, Robb Karr of the Illinois Retail Merchant’s Association did his best impression of the falconer from The Simpsons.

According to CBS, with the fancy shoppes on the (formerly) Magnificent Mile emptied and shuttered, the thugs are now targeting 7-Elevens (Slim Jims: the consolation prize for looters who missed out on the good stuff).

Of course, the mystery remains: What’s causing this shoplifting epidemic? CBS is outta answers. Could it be Soros-funded DAs who refuse to prosecute property crimes, combined with politicians who defund cops?

Naw! That’s pure superstition. It’s likely alien pod-people or demon possession. Because the most convoluted explanation is usually the best one. That’s George Soros’ “Fock’em’s Razor.” And it’s Chicago canon.

THE BRUTHAS GIB

Nobody likes being in Chicago, but let’s hold our noses and stay for one more story. The city’s mayor, sentient Halloween prop Lori Lightfoot, has proposed a monthly “guaranteed universal basic income” program for the city’s poor. Under her scheme, the huddled masses yearning to thieve free will receive $500 a month, which, coupled with all those Slim Jims, ain’t too bad a deal.

Now, you’d think the Chicago City Council’s powerful Black Caucus would be jumping the broom for joy over the proposal.

But no. Funny enough, while the Council’s whites and Jews are totally on board, the Black Caucus is the primary force opposing the free-cash giveaway.

What gives? Did the Black Caucus members get hit on the head by a crate of Thomas Sowell books? Are they being blackmailed by Candace Owens for that one night of “indiscretion” in Burnham Park?

Nope. The council’s blacks are opposing the “universal basic income” scheme because it’s…universal. It’s income-based, not race-based. And the caucus members don’t want none of that free green going to no beaners.

Jason Ervin, chairman of the Black Caucus, told a local black newspaper that “until the city makes a deal on reparations for the descendants of enslaved people, there’s no way in hell we can support direct payments to anybody else.”

So git yo Salvadoran ass back to Salvadoria, Pedro. Illinois might’ve never been part of the Confederacy, it might’ve never been a slave state, but damned if Illinois taxpayers are gonna pay for the income of some lettuce picker before they pay for the descendants of people who were enslaved in states that are pretty damn far from Illinois.

And besides, what’s $500 a month anyway? Most of the Black Caucus members’ constituents make double that from stolen Slim Jims, Slurpees, and “take a penny” trays.

HBCU? More Like HBPEE-YEW!

Black Americans never seem to catch a break. They finally find a safe space from whitey, only to be persecuted by blighty.

Howard University is what’s known as an HBCU (Historically Black College and University…although considering the role of HBCUs in procuring victims for a certain celebrity rapist, it could also stand for Helping Bill Cosby Unload).

Intended as a haven for black scholars, Howard has, sadly, become a haven for something much worse: mold, mice, cockroaches, bedbugs, and other vermin.

It’s Howard U’s “Good Times Experience”—all the fun of living in a 1970s sitcom dilapidated housing project.

Dyn-o-mites!

To protest the unlivable conditions in student dorms, 150 Howard attendees have taken over the Blackburn Student Center, occupying the building as their new sleeping quarters.

Jeez, one wonders why these black students saw property appropriation as their best recourse. Where could they have possibly absorbed such a message?

But surely the school admins will admire this act of civil disobedience, right? Surely they’ll cheer the aggrieved youngsters for “taking up space” and “being heard,” because their lives matter!

Nope! The administration has shut off water, air, and Wi-Fi to the occupied building, and last week the university’s president released a statement ordering the young freedom fighters out…or else!

There may be areas where we agree to disagree. That’s the nature of a vibrant community. However, there is a distinct difference between peaceful protest and freedom of expression and the occupation of a University building that impedes operations and access to essential services and creates health and safety risks.

Oh, you don’t say! Too bad that message never reached BLM rioters last year.

“Agree to disagree”? To the current generation of young blacks, compromise equals genocide.

For anyone who had to endure BLM mayhem in 2020, the situation at Howard offers schadenfreude at its most justified.

[Swordsmyth]

https://www.takimag.com/article/the-...-perished-163/

The Week’s Most Abjectioning, Electioning, and Insurrectioning Headlines
CUNNING STUNTS
Last week’s election provided many fine opportunities for schadenfreude. Ibram X. Kendi might have to change his name again because his brand couldn’t be more tarnished at the moment (suggestion: “Nipsey Hussle” recently came back on the market). The Democrats’ entire defense against parental anger over CRT is that CRT doesn’t exist. So don’t expect Dems to be openly pushing the work of CRT mavens again anytime soon.
And let’s see if leftist NBC rebooks Robin DiAngelo on The Tonight Show, as it did last year, so that Kúru poster boy Jimmy Fallon can once again giggle like a schoolgirl about how white people suck.
CRT pushers have to be pushed to the back of the short bus, as Democrats try to pretend they never existed in the first place.
But perhaps the biggest loser on Nov. 2 was the Pedophiles Anonymous support group known as the Lincoln Project. The weekend before the election, these rocket scientists staged a hoax in which their operatives dressed as tiki-torch-carrying “white nationalists” stumping for Glenn Youngkin.

Unfortunately, the Lincoln logheads are no James Bond (they’re not even Gold Bond, unworthy of being spread on an ass wart), and within hours of the escapade, online sleuths identified the “Nazis” as Democrat activists. By the end of the day, the leaders of the Colonel Klincoln Project were forced to admit that they’d staged the hoax.
Which the media promptly refused to label a hoax. The WaPo would only call it a “stunt,” a term that doesn’t suggest intent to mislead. To put this in perspective, in 2019, when President Trump tweeted a CGI meme of Joe Biden fondling another Joe Biden, the WaPo called the footage “doctored” (a term that specifically means “intent to mislead”), as if anyone was supposed to think that there are two Joe Bidens and they make out with each other.
But the Lincoln hoax? A mere “stunt.” And this from the media gurus who claim that the First Amendment must be scuttled to prevent “disinformation.”
At least the “stunt” backfired, as the incompetent Lincoln Project managed to John Wilkes Booth itself. And Terry McAuliffe.
IT AIN’T RAPE IF YA KNOW ’ER!
In 2009, fossilized fright-mask Whoopi Goldberg coined the term “rape-rape” to refer to any sexual assault not committed by her friend Roman Polanski.
Whoopi would soon expand her glossary to include sexual assault by a vintner (“grape-rape”), a gibbon (“ape-rape”), a gorilla (“great ape-rape”), Batman (“cape-rape”), Alan Rickman (“Severus Snape-rape”), and someone with an outdated browser (“Netscape-rape”).

But now there’s a new queen of rape euphemisms: The New York Times’ Michelle Goldberg (no relation; unlike Whoopi, this Goldberg is an actual oy veyer).
Michelle Goldberg took a hard look at that supposed high school “rape” case from Loudoun, Va., in which a boy in a skirt sexually assaulted a girl in the women’s bathroom. And she determined that even though the girl was pinned to the floor and violently penetrated without her consent while kicking and screaming, it was not “rape.” Not even “rape-rape.” No, it was “relationship violence.” Goldberg explained that because the girl and her attacker had previously had two consensual encounters, it can’t possibly be rape if he forced himself on her the third time.
Don’t young girls know that once you let a boy do it with you once, he has the right to demand it anytime he wants?
Yes, the days of yelling “date rape” are over. If the girl knows the guy, and if she consented to even a peck on the cheek, it can’t be rape. And if the boy wears a skirt, it’s a transphobic hate crime to yell “rape” when he forcibly penetrates you.
Goldberg accused conservatives of being responsible for the fact that the boy was sent to another school to rape again, because “conservatives, of course, have traditionally opposed policies that would keep accused offenders out of school.” Except she linked to a speech by former Education Secretary Betsy DeVos about the lack of due process when college kids are accused of sexual misconduct via student complaint. The Loudoun skirtboy was actually arrested and charged before his transfer.

Considering how Goldberg mangled the story, it’s tempting to say that, like some sort of vile demon, she raped the young victim all over again.
Call it Screwtape-rape.
MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY FAIL
Mimesis is the idea that art should imitate life. Lesser-known is the concept of “reverse mimesis,” which is when life imitates art.


Terry Gilliam is lost in a nightmare of reverse mimesis. The 80-year-old former Python has had a spotty career as a director, making several great films (Holy Grail, Time Bandits), two popular films (Fisher King, 12 Monkeys), a bunch of duds (everything else), and one true classic: 1985’s Brazil.
Brazil is the story of a dystopian future in which an oppressive surveillance state has hijacked language (the government branch responsible for torturing dissidents is referred to as “Information Retrieval”) and branded private citizens “terrorists” for minor transgressions like performing home repairs without a license.
Brazil was a critical hit, and Gilliam never again reached such heights.
Or did he?
Welcome to Brazil II: Terry Gilliam’s Life.
Gilliam’s upcoming production of the musical Into the Woods has been canceled by London’s Old Vic because staff members were upset with the director for tweeting in support of Dave Chappelle’s right to tell jokes. Which apparently makes Gilliam a terrorist or something along those lines. Also, last year Gilliam expressed fears that #MeToo had become a “witch-hunt,” adding that he was “tired of white men being blamed for everything wrong with the world.”
So to prove that Gilliam’s wrong about witch hunts and white men being society’s scapegoats, the forces of tolerance have witch-hunted and scapegoated him.
One of the mottos of the Orwellian government in Brazil is “Don’t suspect a friend, report him.”
Exactly! On social media or in the workplace, racists, transphobes, and misogynists must be reported!
Gilliam was never able to produce a sequel to Brazil. Fortunately, life has done it for him…and this time, he gets to play the lead.
IN BIDEN WE ANTITRUST
The administration of the semiconscious extra from a Depends commercial in the White House has discovered a most fascinating fact: Concentrating the dissemination of ideas and information in too few hands is bad!
Merrick Garland, the cowardly sack of flop sweat whose attempts to tar parents as “domestic terrorists” helped the Democrats lose big last week, has realized that much like the spice in Dune, “ideas must flow!”
Surely he’s referring to Amazon’s book censorship. Or maybe how Twitter banned discussion of the Hunter Biden laptop story mere weeks before a presidential election.
Nope! Doody Garland is pissed that Penguin/Random House is trying to buy Simon & Schuster. The cagey AG is concerned that should German media giant Bertelsmann purchase S&S, it might reduce the outlandish fees paid to S&S authors like Hillary Clinton, Stephen King, and other leftists who churn out books that people buy to put on a shelf for show.
Garland told the AP that the merger would mean “lower advances for authors.” A nightmare scenario indeed! Imagine an America in which Hillary Clinton can’t command a $14 million advance for her newest recycled self-pitying tripe, and Stephen King can’t get $10 million for his 50th book about a kid with psychic powers.
Is that an America in which anyone would want to live?
Garland has filed suit to stop the merger.
Say what you will about the guy, but he really has his finger on the pulse of what matters to the average American.
Better than having his finger on the pulse of the president, which can be tedious as it barely throbs once an hour.
PRATTLE SLAVERY
NFL washout Colin Kaepernick has dedicated his life to two things: bringing back the Gabe Kaplan Welcome Back, Kotter Afro, and becoming the most well-known athlete in the world who doesn’t do athletics.
And now this talentless knee-jerk has a Netflix series for some reason (hey, new content is a necessity; there are only so many Korean rehashes of Battle Royale). The series, which was going to be called Kaepernick’s Krazy Kapers until someone noticed the initials, claims that the NFL is modern-day slavery against black people, because what was slavery if not paying black men $40 million a year to chase a ball in the mud?
Turns out Kaepernick is as bad at being a TV producer as he is at football. Redefining “heavy-handed,” his series portrays NFL players as buck-naked slaves being whipped and beaten by grinning white team owners (the brutal scenes of violence were actually based on CCTV footage of NFL players beating the crap out of their girlfriends).
At no point in the series does Nappy-nick answer the question that will most likely come to the mind of anyone who watches his TV equivalent of bull excrement: If the NFL is so bad, why did he literally beg the owners to draft him? And why has he bitched for years about the fact that they didn’t?
In Colin Kaepernick’s version of 12 Years a Slave, the protagonist complains that it was only 12 years. “Man, I wanted 20. What a gyp!”
The Kaepernick series is drawing ridicule from viewers. This lack of critical success has led Netflix to promise that next season it will be merged with Squid Game, and Kaepernick will square off against a giant robot doll that will blow him to smithereens the moment he utters anything self-pitying.
The show will last thirty seconds.

[Swordsmyth]

https://www.takimag.com/article/the-...-perished-164/

The Week’s Most Classified, Sassified, and Gassified Headlines
JUMPIN’ JOE FLASH, IT’S A GAS GAS GAS!
Last week’s 2021 U.N. Climate Change Conference was held in Glasgow, but President Biden made it Gasgow. According to British papers, Joe blew ’em away, letting out what Camilla Parker Bowles described as a fart that “was long and loud and impossible to ignore” while speaking with members of the royal family and Prime Minister Johnson.
According to the Mail on Sunday, Biden’s baroom was so disruptive, “Camilla hasn’t stopped talking about it” since. And Johnson reportedly remarked to aides, “Maybe we should’ve held the damn conference in Tooting.”
The Mail claims that Biden’s blowout made Ms. Bowles blush, perhaps the most geopolitically significant example of an “attack of the vapors” in history.
The jokes about this are too easy: The president letting one rip at a conference convened to reduce noxious emissions, curb natural gas, cut methane, and increase the use of wind. In fact, it’s because the jokes are so easy that perhaps the real story is that the incident was ignored by Saturday Night Live, which aired a show just days after Biden’s Bhopal.

Keep in mind that fart sketches are an SNL specialty. In 2009 Seth Meyers penned one in which Grace Kelly (played by January Jones) can’t stop farting while filming Rear Window. That was the sole joke; she keeps breaking wind. Worse, it was a near-plagiarism of a much funnier 1993 sketch with Kevin Kline as a farting Italian movie star.
After Rudy Giuliani was rumored to have farted during a voter fraud hearing last December, cast member Kate McKinnon debuted her “farting Rudy” character (again, that was the entire gag: He farts).
Back in 1998, HBO’s Mr. Show even did a parody about a presidential farting scandal. Yet on lunatic leftist David Cross’ Twitter page, no victory lap, no attempt to use the Glasgow incident to remind people of when he was still funny.
Anyone who thought that Trump’s defeat meant comedians would go back to mocking politicians of all stripes was quite mistaken.
Nonpartisan comedy is gone with Joe Biden’s wind.
BEEN THROUGH THE DESERT ON A HORSE WITH DEADNAME
Dr. “Rachel” Levine looks like a cross between Brent Spiner in Independence Day and Riff Raff from Rocky Horror. And that’s the most complimentary thing that can be said about the transgender monstrosity who, as Pennsylvania’s Secretary of Health, pulled “her” mother out of a nursing home before filling it with Covid carriers.

And now thanks to the nursing-home resident in the White House, Levine just became either America’s first female four-star admiral or first transgender four-star officer. The media can’t decide which “first” to go with: first woman? Or first tranny? If the latter, then it’s not really the former.
Last week Republican Congressman Jim Banks of Indiana finally had his official Twitter account restored after being banned for tweeting “The title of first female four-star officer gets taken by a man.” This violated Twitter’s policy of no “deadnaming” (calling a tranny by their pre-trans name), although technically Banks “deadgendered” the four-star shemale.
Funny enough, if you’re trying to find Levine’s “deadname,” you’ll have quite the task. Big Tech’s pulled out all the stops to cover up Admiral Horatio Hormoneblower’s birth name. Wikipedia’s banned any reference to it, even though the site always includes the “deadnames” of actors (Olivia Wilde never calls herself Cockburn, nor does Bruno Mars use Petey Hernandez, but Wiki still retains the info).
The “talk” link on Levine’s Wiki page is instructive: Wikipedia threatens “sanctions” against users who try to add “pre-transition names” to biographical entries, as doing so violates “the purpose of Wikipedia.” “Former, pre-transition names may only be included if the person was notable while using the name.”
Which oddly doesn’t apply to Olivia Cockburn or Petey Hernandez.

But hey, they’re not a marginalized, persecuted minority…like the trannies who have the president, the medical establishment, and every tech monopoly running interference for them.
TWITTER JAIL…LIKE, FOR REAL
Complain all you want about social media censorship in the U.S., at least “Facebook prison” and “Twitter jail” are figurative.
Not so in merry olde England, where Twitter jail comes with real bars.
21-year-old Nathan Blagg really loves his Chelsea football club. So much so that between September 2020 and February 2021, Blagg tweeted out several offensive comments with the intention of taunting longtime rivals Tottenham Hotspur, a team with a Jewish fan base (odd considering the name contains “ham”).
One would think that in the world of British football rivalries, which have a storied history of large-scale riots, a few tweets wouldn’t be that big a deal. But this ain’t yer bleedin’ granddad’s England. This is the new woke Britain, where Crown prosecutors with names like Gujuratabindi and Umbabwego and *clicking noise with tongue* work tirelessly to ensure that Britons ever, ever, ever shall be slaves.
Because Blagg’s tweets mocked Jews, he was charged with seven counts of Twitter racism in a Westminster court. Prosecutor Kalsoom Shah (obviously a person with deep Anglo-Saxon roots) demanded the maximum sentence. After all, Blagg was a serious offender, not an innocent victim of cultural misunderstanding like those Muslim grooming gangs.


And the court agreed. Eight weeks for the villainous Blagg—one for each anti-Semitic tweet, and an extra one for liking the Benny Hill Chinaman sketch.
Frankly, it’s hard to get angry at Joe Biden for ripping one in the face of the royals. A nation formerly proud of its free-speech traditions has become a suitable repository for Biden’s Magna Farta.
HI-JAB, BYE-JAB
You know Western Europe’s in trouble when the sanest country is France. After all, these are the imbéciles incroyables who couldn’t conduct a simple revolution without beheading half the populace.

Last week, members of something called the “Council of Europe,” apparently a continental “human rights” organization, decided to hold a contest to see who could come up with the most Orwellian slogan for a new antiwhite, anti-Christian ad campaign. The winning scheme was a series of billboards showing a white chick wrapped in a hijab, with the slogan “Hijab Is Freedom.”
The new campaign was supposed to be announced by Council Secretary General Marija Pejčinović Burić, but she had to flee the press conference when she couldn’t figure out how to pronounce her name. Council President Péter Szijjártó tried to fill in but was hamstrung by the same problem. Finally, Flemish Council member Hendrik Daems took over, telling the assembled reporters, “Joot hoot boom boom bork hoog roop,” which everyone assumed was Dutch until it turned out he was actually having a stroke.
Bungled presser aside, the billboards started going up all over the continent, until the French, of all people, objected. The French government condemned the campaign as going against European values of secularism, adding that the slogan wasn’t so much a defense of the hijab as an encouragement to don one. Faced with the French protests, the Council discontinued the campaign, blaming the failed slogan on “Muslim youth” who participated in an “online workshop.”

And to be fair, of the top two slogans to emerge from that workshop, “Hijab Is Freedom” is certainly better than the runner-up, “Tottenham Hotspur Jews Are Our Misfortune.”

No word yet on when those billboards will be going up.

BROTHERS, SMOTHERED
Sometimes it’s good when America “falls behind.” Like in mass tramplings and smotherings.

The deaths at the Astroworld music festival hosted by rapper Travis Scott (whose name is better suited to a country Western dude in a ten-gallon hat than a cornrowed thug with pants down to his thighs) was a tragic occurrence. Eight unfortunate concertgoers were killed when the crowd surged forward during Scott’s set, smothering and/or trampling those closest to the stage.
But QAnon believes it to be much more than an accident. The people who brought you “JFK will rise from the grave and install Trump as president” now bring you “the Travis Scott concert crush was a sacrificial offering to Satan.” Videos on TikTok and YouTube by QAnoners and related conspiracy tards (which currently have millions of views) employ bizarre interpretations of facial expressions, the shape of the stage, and times and dates to “prove” that Scott engineered the disaster to satisfy the Dark Lord and keep him knee-deep in souls.
Scott: “Oh hoary host of the netherworld, I present to you these eight souls!”
The Devil: “Eight? Eight? You holdin’ out on me, bitch? Don’t make me go upside yo’ head.”
Fortunately, U.S. venues are pretty damn competent when it comes to safety and crowd control, at least compared with the rest of the world. After seeing some genuinely terrible crowd crushes in the first half of the 20th century (notably the Michigan Italian Hall disaster of 1913, in which 73 people were stampeded because some jokester falsely yelled “fire”…and yes, that’s where the cliché comes from) and a few minor ones in the latter half (11 crushed at a Cincinnati Who concert in 1979), venue owners, fearful of lawsuits, became very conscientious regarding crowd control.

So if the Devil went down to Houston lookin’ for some souls to steal, he really shoulda known that the pickin’s would be slim. Hell, the 2015 Hajj stampede in Saudi Arabia took 2,400 lives, and the 2010 water festival stampede in Cambodia claimed 347 (worst water festival ever).
Stick to the Third World, Beelzebub. We have building codes here.
In fact, the only other two recent non-fire-related crowd stampedes in the U.S. were the 1991 CCNY rappers basketball game disaster (nine dead) and the 2003 Chicago hip-hop nightclub trampling (21 dead).

It might just be that the problem isn’t Satan, but rap fans.

[Swordsmyth]

https://www.takimag.com/article/the-...-perished-165/

The Week’s Most Jittery, Glittery, and Skittery Headlines
SESAME STREET’S SLIPPERY SLOPE
“The eyes are the window to the soul.” No two people agree on where that phrase originated. Some say the Bible, others say the ancient Greeks, while others say the “where’s the beef” lady. Some even point to Shakespeare, who in his Sonnet No.1 (not to be confused with his Mambo No. 5) wrote:

But thou contracted to thine own bright eyes,
Feed’st thy light’s flame with self-substantial fuel.

Sadly, the next verse is:

Within thine own bud buriest thy content
And, tender churl, makest waste in niggarding.

This unfortunate choice of words got Shakespeare canceled. He lost his Forever 1621 neck ruff endorsement deal, and the Old Vic banned him for racial insensitivity (oh, wait—that was Terry Gilliam).
But wherever the “eyes are the window to the soul” phrase originated, the simple wisdom of it is taken these days as a basic truism. Except at PBS, where eyes are nothing more than $1 plastic novelty items glued to a piece of felt in exchange for $465 million in taxpayer money.
Last week, Sesame Street debuted it’s first-ever “Asian Muppet.” Though lauded in the press, “Ji-Young the Korean Muppet” has drawn flak for the fact that “her” eyes are as round as those of every other Muppet. This wouldn’t be a big deal had Sesame Street not produced a special back in July aimed at making Asian kids proud of their “unique eyes.”
“Be proud of those slanty peepers, Asian kids. But don’t expect to see them on a Muppet because, well, they look kinda sneaky.”
Nearly half a billion tax bucks to produce a show that tells Asian kids “be proud of your eyes,” only to then create an “Asian” Muppet with eyes like Betty Boop.
Money well spent.

RETURN OF THE “TEXANS”
Regular readers will remember the story of the brunching “Texans” who beat the living snot out of an Asian hostess at an NYC eatery in September after being asked for proof of vaccination. At first, blue Twitter erupted in an outrage-fest of fury: “Those damn MAGA Texans! Anti-vax WHITE SUPREEEMACISTS!”
And then security camera footage revealed that the “Texans” were actually a gaggle of weave-wearing booty-shaking black ghetto-girls.
As just like that, the “violent anti-vax Texans” story vanished faster than a speeding Alec Baldwin bullet.
And now the yellow cornrows of Texas have popped up once again. And, once again, Twitter pounced a bit too soon.
Last week, a Southwest attendant on a Dallas–to–New York flight was assaulted by an unruly female passenger.

An unruly Texan? Must be them dern MAGAs!
Leftist activist “View From The Watchtower” tweeted “Radicalized republicans use Southwest Airlines because Southwest chooses to allow pilots to make right wing jokes on the intercom and not get vaccinated.”
When the Daily Beast tweeted the story, responses included:
“Disgusting. We know who she voted for and what this was about for sure. Horrible horrible f’ing people.”
“Unruly passenger? You mean MAGA Psycho Bitch.”
“These MAGA buffoons are a danger to all.”
“Almost surely a maga chud. They think they have permission to attack anyone who they think is trying to ‘control’ them and they’re not going to stop anytime soon.”
And then the passenger’s photo was released: 32-year-old Arielle Jean Jackson, a most non-MAGA black woman.
Her reason for assaulting the flight attendant isn’t known, but it likely had something to do with Emmett Till and slavery.
With the publication of the photo, the story stopped trending on Twitter.
Odd.
Yeeeee…huh?
HOW DERRIERE YOU
If you thought last week’s news about Joe Biden turning the U.N. climate summit in Glasgow into his own personal gas chamber was the most entertaining thing to come out of that ridiculous waste of time, think again. It turns out Zyklon B(iden) wasn’t the only one befouling the air.
According to The Scotsman, so much carbon was pumped into the atmosphere from the participants’ private jets, the event was “the most polluting summit of its kind.”
An anti-pollution summit was the most polluting summit in history. If only late-night comedians still did comedy, that would make for a fine joke.
One may wonder why the summit wasn’t conducted via Zoom. Well, the simple answer is, there’s just no way to remotely replicate the in-person experience of having Greta Thunberg say “how dare you” to your face. Zoom just can’t capture the intensity of the throbbing veins and flaring nostrils.
And speaking of Thunberg, on the closing day of the conference, Indian newswoman Sadhika Tiwari, writing for the Hindi news site The Quint (which specializes in finding sharks for three thousand bucks but catching and killing them for ten), gently castigated the young dare-ess for failing to understand that the emissions cuts she demands will actually kill Indian children. Tiwari pointed out that abandoning traditional energy sources like coal, natural gas, and petroleum will leave entire villages without heat, light, water, and sanitary facilities.


Then she was like, “Okay, maybe the ‘sanitary facilities’ thing isn’t a problem, because we’re kinda used to going in the street. But the other stuff is true.”
There’s been no response from Thunberg, who immediately left the Glasgow conference via Pilatus PC-24 to fly over Highland cattle country and yell at the cows for farting.
“BABY LOVER” BY MEHMETULA CLARK
When Petula Clark sang “Come swing with me in my cradle of dreams,” she wasn’t referring to having a lover who was in an actual cradle.
A small detail lost on Afghans.
The loony Sunnis in the land a bunch of better nations have tried to conquer for absolutely no discernible reason because it’s literally like trying to possess a hornets’ nest—it’s painful to attempt and what the hell are you gonna do with it if you succeed?—have reverted back to their pre-9/11 ways.
Child marriage has returned to the land that time forgot. According to a UNICEF report released last week, cash-strapped Afghan families are selling daughters as young as 20 days old to horny halals.
Look, complain all you want about living in a country where the poor and desperate rob liquor stores, but know that if humans can be relied on for anything, it’s finding ways to sink lower the minute you think they can’t.
Per UNICEF:

Prior to the U.S.-led invasion, the rate (of child marriage) was 61.9%, among the world’s worst. But it dropped markedly over the following years—to 40 percent in 2014, 33% in 2016, and 28% by 2020.

But now it’s climbing back up, though still not as high as in Niger (76%), Central African Republic (68%), and Chad (67%).
Yep, it can always get worse.
And count on Joe Biden, a man not above giving an underage girl the ol’ smell test, to import as many people from those nations as possible. Which is only slightly more insane than the Bush-era neocon notion that we can civilize those people in their own lands.
So lock up your daughters, folks! Planes full of baby-lovers are heading your way. Just remember that while U.S. courts are unlikely to ever prosecute these seamy dreamers for baby rape, at least in sharia court you might be able to get a dowry.
A DYNASTY DIES NASTY
Hey, did someone mention neocons?
Nobody neoconned better than Dick Cheney, the man who made sure that tens of thousands of young Americans lost their limbs, faces, and lives fighting to protect the freedom of people whose only desire was to rob Americans of their limbs, faces, and lives.
When Cheney shot a guy in the face in 2006, it wasn’t a hunting accident but merely a literal illustration of his doctrine: “You used to have a face, now you don’t, and for absolutely no good reason.”
But now it seems that the Cheney chickens are coming home to roost…or maybe just finding a new henhouse. Last week the Wyoming GOP voted to no longer officially recognize Liz Cheney—Dick’s congresswoman daughter—as a Republican. It’s somewhat fitting considering how Cheney’s wars led to so many Americans no longer being recognizable as a human.
Say what you will about Trump’s failures as president, but at least he helped terminate the Bush dynasty (“Please clap? Oh, right—you can’t; you lost your arms in my brother’s pointless wars”). And Trump’s fan base seems to be doing the same to the Cheney dynasty, as Wyoming Liz faces a stiff primary challenge from a MAGA-backed candidate, and as she seems to find far more support on the left than the right…which can help a GOP in California, but not in one of the reddest states in the nation (no Dem has won Wyoming since LBJ, leading many to believe that Liz Cheney is Barry Goldwater’s posthumous revenge).

Slate—that leftiest of leftist websites—has declared the Cheney dynasty all of a sudden…good (after twenty years of calling it Hitlerian). Last week, Slate’s William Saletan proclaimed that the Cheney family’s “either you’re with us or you’re against us” militarist mentality, which was Nazism when used against Muslim terrorists, is actually the best thing ever when used against other Americans. Saletan lauded Liz Cheney for wanting to Abu Ghraib the living crap out of the Jan. 6 “insurrectionists,” and he applauded her father for instilling such killer instincts in her.
Dick Cheney’s methods weren’t wrong…only his targets were.
Now to bring in Greta Thunberg to design an environmentally friendly non-wasteful waterboarding hose and solar-powered penile electrodes.
Rightists rejecting the Cheneys and leftists embracing them. Some bedfellows are strange…others are just downright jaw-droppingly surreal.

[Swordsmyth]

https://www.takimag.com/article/the-...-perished-166/

The Week’s Most Herky, Jerky, and Stuffed-With-Turkey Headlines
MASKS SAVE LIVES (BECAUSE WE’LL KILL YOU IF YOU DON’T WEAR ONE)
There’s an old vaudeville routine about a man who walks by a peddler. The peddler offers to sell him a vial of tonic:
Peddler: “Buy this and you’ll live longer!”
Man: “How?”
Peddler: “Trust me. Buy this and you’ll live longer.”
Man: “But you’re not explaining how.”
Peddler: “Just trust me. Buy this and you’ll live longer.”
Man: “No way, fella. Good day.”
The peddler shoots the man dead. He looks at the body and says, “Told ya.”
Covid mask mandates are by far the best version of that skit. For almost two years now, the world’s witnessed scenes from Canada, Australia, and Europe of police punishing people who dare to go outdoors unmasked (zero Covid risk) by tossing them in crowded jail cells (high Covid risk).


And now Oakland, California (a.k.a. “the nuke target that would make Kim Jong-un an American hero”), just topped every real-life version of the peddler skit.
Maurice Monk was a 45-year-old mentally ill black man. And he didn’t care for masks. Back in June, he refused to wear one on a city bus, so he was arrested.
The irony is, with Oakland’s liberal criminal justice policies, if he’d assaulted someone, he’d have been let go with a citation. But not wearing a mask? No mercy. He was held for several months in a mental institution, and finally transferred to a regular jail.
His family was prevented from getting him his meds…because enforcing mask mandates is all about keeping people healthy!
Last week he died alone in his cell.
The city claims it was “natural causes.” So at least it wasn’t Covid!

Proof positive that imprisoning people who don’t wear masks is a policy that totally works!
PUNCHING MOTHER EARTH FOR HER OWN GOOD
After hearing about how Oakland authorities killed a guy to keep him from dying of Covid, David Suzuki exclaimed, “Hold my saké.”
Suzuki is a Canadian “scientist” who specializes in claiming that Earth is about to end because people eat meat.
Suzuki’s grandparents left Japan before WWII when they were struck with an ominous premonition to flee their hometown of Hiroshima.
Your family guesses one thing right, and you think your every prediction is gold.

Which is why scientist Suzuki never second-guesses his apocalyptic visions. The problem is, Earth just ain’t blowing up quick enough for him. So last week, the hugely popular Nippanuck (in a CBC poll of “greatest Canadians of all time,” Suzuki came in fifth, right after Corey Hart and Chong) decided to warn the world that if it won’t explode on his timetable, he’ll damn well explode it himself.
Suzuki told the anarchist terrorists of Extinction Rebellion (that’s the org that tries to “save the earth” by blocking highways, causing massive traffic jams that pollute the air), “There are going to be pipelines blown up if our leaders don’t pay attention to what’s going on.”
Ironically, the green goblins had gathered on Vancouver Island because unlike the Third World it has the comforts that fossil fuels provide. More ironically, Suzuki’s threat is essentially “If our leaders don’t abandon earth-polluting petroleum, we’ll blow up pipelines, thus polluting the earth with petroleum.”
Canada’s best mind, ladies and gentlemen.


After being attacked by the few sane politicians left in England’s frigid afterbirth, Suzuki tried to backpedal, claiming that even though he said terrorism was the only recourse should “the leaders” not listen, he wasn’t actually advocating it. To which the head of Extinction Rebellion replied, “Nonsense—we’re totally advocating it!” The ecoterrorist released a statement promising that not only will pipelines be blown up, but world leaders and members of the press will be killed.
Good thing Canada only reserves its “hate speech” laws for people who criticize immigration!
TRANSGENDER DAY OF REVENGEANCE
Veterans Day? Who cares? All those guys did was put their lives on the line so that we may be free. The November day of solemn tribute that truly matters is November 20th, the “Transgender Day of Remembrance.” That’s the day when America pauses to remember the heroic sacrifices of the men who dress in women’s clothing and lop off their members so that they may be free (of their penises).
Joe Biden, who is somewhat “trans” himself (he’s transitioning from human to desiccated mummy before our eyes) took time from his busy schedule of not talking about the border, inflation, China, the supply chain, and opioids, to talk at length in honor of those brave trannies who died doing what they loved best: pretending to be women while performing fellatio in back alleys.

“Transgender people are some of the bravest Americans I know,” Biden declared (yes, he really said that). Trannies “deserve freedom, justice, and joy,” and Biden assured a roomful of men in dresses that he’ll continue to fight for their “equality and civil rights.”
Sadly, nobody in the room applauded, as half the attendees were giving fellatio under the tables, and the other half were yelling at a parrot for misgendering them (“Who’s a pretty boy? I’m a pretty ma’am! MA’AM!”).
Lost on the not-tightly-wrapped presidential mummy was that it’s actually the trannies who are taking away the “freedom, justice, joy, equality, and rights” of others, with comedians, medical professionals, politicians, and ordinary citizens being banned, censored, harassed, and fired for opposing tranny ideology.
Indeed, to celebrate “Tranny Remembrance Day,” a Fellini-esque nightmare named “Holly Stars,” who calls himself a “drag queen” yet is indistinguishable from a tranny (thus proving they’re exactly the same thing), “doxxed” author J.K. Rowling for the crime of believing that men in drag are not women. “Stars” stalked Rowling’s home and photographed her address for Twitter.
“Stars” eventually deleted the pic, not because what he did was wrong, but because he was receiving “transphobic hate messages.”
Because with trannies, it’s always about them. Not like those damn veterans and their unselfish sacrifices. Take Veterans Day off the calendar and make every day Tranny Remembrance Day!
KILLING ME SOFTLY WITH ZHIRS SONG
And on the subject of those marginalized, defenseless transgenders who have no power except the ability to influence presidents, ban books, fire anyone they dislike, and change the entire English language…here’s yet another example of how “powerless” they are.
The British Phonographic Industry’s annual Brit Awards is going genderless! No more “best male” or “best female” singers.
Turns out a “nonbinary” guy complained. And because trannies are so disenfranchised, the entire British recording industry agreed to drop all gendered categories, just in case that nonbinary guy ever gets nominated for his band Herman’s Hermaphrodites and their hit single “I’m Henry the Eighth…and Henrietta the Ninth, Too.”
But will this fad of eliminating gender categories reach the U.S.? Well, it’s happening at the Grammys, but not the Academy Awards.
Guess why.
The “strong, independent” women of Hollywood don’t want to go head-to-head against men. Indeed, as trannies are pushing to de-gender the Oscars, women are pushing in the opposite direction, as they advocate splitting the Best Director category into “Best Male” and “Best Female” as a way of ensuring that every year a woman director brings home a trophy.
Filmmaker Alma Har’el, fresh off her new blockbuster Night of the Superfluous Apostrophes, told Variety, “Unless we have a new category for women directors—the same way we have [separate] actor and actress categories—we won’t see any changes.”
This puts the Academy’s men in a real Scylla of a Charybdis: obey the diseased cross-dressers yelling at them “Remove the gender categories or you’ll be canceled as a transphobe,” or listen to their harpy wives and bimbo girlfriends screeching at them “Make more gender categories or I’ll call you a misogynist #MeToo.”
In a predicament like that, working on an Alec Baldwin cowboy film would be the easy way out.
NECROPHILIAC? THEY PREFER “CORPSE-BUGGERING CITIZEN”
Allyn Walker, professor of sociology and criminal justice at Old Dominion University, is a man on a mission: Child molesters deserve dignity, and the best way to give them the respect they so richly merit is to replace terms like “child molester” and “sex offender” with “minor-attracted person.”
Because after all, when it’s a contest between a child rapist and a child who’s been raped, who’s the real victim?
The vile Walker, a self-described “transgender” (wotta shock!), has stepped down from his teaching position due to the controversy surrounding his views. Of course, being a tranny, he’s not blaming his views, but rather campus “transphobes.”
Word is he’s headed to England to win a Brit Award with his song “(Kinder)Garden of Earthly Delights.”
Yet even as Walker was resigning, some frontal-lobe-deficients in Denver were saying to themselves, “I like the way that guy thinks.” The Colorado Department of Public Safety’s Sex Offender Management Board, which is apparently managed by sex offenders, voted last week to stop using the term “sex offender,” because it harms the “self-esteem” of sex offenders (no child should ever be molested by someone with low self-esteem).
These oxygen-deprived dullards told CBS News that raising the self-esteem of child rapists will “reduce recidivism,” proving that literally anyone in the city of Denver is better-suited to managing sex offenders than the members of the Sex Offender Management Board.
Not that they’re the state’s only high-caliber morons. Legislators are debating changing the terms “sexually violent predator,” “defendant,” “convict,” and “felon” to “justice-involved people.”
They might as well be called that, because while it’s hard to tell exactly what the people in charge of administering the law in Colorado are involved in, it certainly ain’t “justice.”

[Anti Federalist]

The Week That Perished

https://www.takimag.com/article/the-...-perished-167/

December 05, 2021

The Week’s Most Cradling, Ladling, and Dreideling Headlines

INDIGENOUS INDIGNITIES

Last week was a bad one for fake Injuns.

First there was Lewis Rath, an emaciated vegan hipster artist who’d been selling handcrafted totem poles claiming to be an Apache woodworker. Turns out Rath’s as “Apache” as the Queen of Denmark (though far more svelte), and what impossible-burger-boy failed to factor into his con is that it’s a federal crime to sell fake Native American crafts.

Big Chief Skinnyjeans is facing five years in prison.

Upon learning of Rath’s fate, Carrie Bourassa exclaimed, “Hold my yaupon!” Bourassa, Canada’s top “indigenous health expert,” was also exposed as a fraud last week. Turns out the yenta who’s been lecturing her nation about “native rights” is 100% Eastern European—not a drop of “indigenous” blood.

Her story began to unravel after she did a TEDx talk dressed like an extra from F Troop. Skeptical activists, suspicious of her store-bought getup, began researching her ancestry. And last week the Slavic squaw was forced to admit that her connection to “natives” went no deeper than a shared love of vodka.

Bourassa was fired from her government job and university professorship. She’s now selling illegal fireworks to black kids in the Detroit-Windsor Tunnel.

And across the ocean, a dude named David Cole, who claims to be an Australian aboriginal “tribal leader” named “Lurnpa Lurnpa” (he makes chocolate while singing), was busted after releasing a video telling abos to avoid the Covid vax because it’s a “Zionist bioweapon” engineered by “Rothschilds and pedophiles” to “genocide” the natives.

Following his rant, actual aborigine tribal leaders told the Aussie press they’d never even heard of the wanker. Lurnpa Lurnpa durpity-doo.

Reached for comment, Takimag columnist David Cole stated, “I wish this idiot would stop besmirching my good name with his inflammatory hate speech.”

He then paused and added, “Jesus Christ, I never thought I’d hear those words come outta my mouth.”

LAND O’LAMES

Of course, there’s an irony to the whole “fake Indian” thing: While whites posing as natives are an annoyance, actual Injuns can be a far worse pain in the ass.

Roman Rain Tree represents the Mono Indians of Northern California (Mono Indians can be identified by their extreme fatigue and swollen lymph nodes). And Mr. Tree is a brave on a mission: to force the Fresno County town of Squaw Valley to change its name. Sure, Squaw Valley may have only 3,500 residents. And sure, nobody’s heard of it (there used to be a “Squaw Valley” ski resort near Tahoe, but they changed the name this year in honor of George Floyd, because the resort’s directors have brain damage from skiing into trees). But as long as this little town in the middle of nowhere retains the name “squaw,” Native Americans will never know true peace or a moment’s sobriety.

“Squaw” is in fact a perfectly normal Algonquin word for “woman,” and the people of Squaw Valley are quite happy with the moniker. And when Rain Tree partnered with the ACLU to force the name change upon the reluctant residents, it totally didn’t help, as it gave the impression that a bunch of New York Jewish attorneys were trying to decide the town’s title (“Oy, how about Goyim Gulch?”).

Local leftist Bob McCloskey is one of the few residents on Rain Tree’s side. McCloskey told The Guardian that all “triggering” names should be changed, out of empathy for the triggered. When reminded that “McCloskey” in Gaelic means “resounding noise; blast” (a trigger for the noise-sensitive) and that the family crest is a masculine arm uprooting and choking an oak tree (toxic masculinity!), and when asked if he’d change his name to “Jazzhands McTreehugger” to mollify the triggered, McCloskey pointed to a window and said, “Holy cow, look at that!” and then ran away when everyone’s heads were turned.

Rain Tree ended his Guardian interview by stating, “The spirit of the community is not defined in the name,” thus fully contradicting his entire point and proving once again that the Injuns didn’t lose the continent by accident.

“WE WILL BE BURIED BY YOU”

“The capitalists will sell us the rope with which we’ll hang them.” This oft-quoted apocryphal Leninism is not quite as pithy as those who invoke it believe it to be.

A more accurate version would be, “The capitalists will buy from us the sneakers with which they’ll clobber themselves.”

When Khrushchev banged that infamous shoe and threatened to “bury” the West, little did he know that 65 years later, the West would be banging Chinese-made shoes and promising to bury itself.

Last week, JPMorgan/Chase CEO Jamie Dimon had the temerity to poke a little fun at China’s genocidal Communist Party. Speaking at Boston College, the corporate cutup quipped:

The Communist Party is celebrating its hundredth year. So is JP Morgan. I’d make a bet we last longer. I can’t say that in China. They’re probably listening anyway.

Yes, Jamie, they were. And they no likey jokey. After all, murderous communist dictators are right up there with trannies on the list of disenfranchised victims who must be protected from comedy.

Don’t “punch down,” Jamie. Never “punch down.” You made Xi cry as he was ordering the execution of entire Uyghur villages and preparing the invasion of Taiwan.

After the CCP sent LeBron James to Dimon’s house with an official government letter threatening to stop doing business with Chase, the CEO had an immediate change of heart, offering a series of groveling apologies:

I truly regret my recent comment because it’s never right to joke about or denigrate any group of people, whether it’s a country, its leadership, or any part of a society and culture.

A man of integrity! Exactly the kind of guy who’d have begged Hitler to open a Chase account to deposit the money seized from Jews.

Coming soon to Beijing: the Chase Social Credit Card—5% cash back every time you inform on an enemy of the state.

A DOG MEAT DOG WORLD

The notion that Koreans eat dogs is racist, and anyone who spreads that myth deserves swift and merciless cancellation.

Two years ago, denim bobblehead Jay Leno was boycotted by Asian activists for cracking a “Koreans eat dogs” joke on America’s Got Talent. The activists denounced the quip as playing on “hurtful stereotypes.” Leno embarked on a mass-media apology tour, because being rich and retired doesn’t mean you still can’t be a doormat for a few fuming busybodies.

In response to Leno’s joke, food site ZenKimchi laid down the law: Koreans do not eat dogs!

I’m getting so tired of ignorant people associating modern Korea with eating dog meat. Or even worse, portraying the entire country as dog eaters. In modern times, associating Koreans with eating dog meat is racist. It’s contributing to food stereotypes.

Odd, then, that South Korea’s president just launched a commission to study phasing out the “centuries-old practice” of eating dogs.

Why launch a commission to end something that doesn’t exist? That’s rather like Joe Biden promising to ban flying giraffes (to be fair, Joe really does see the giraffes…and they talk to him, too).

According to ABC News, 1.5 million dogs are slaughtered each year by “thousands” of “dog farmers” throughout South Korea, as part of an industry that brings in “hundreds of millions of dollars annually.”

Strange stats for something that doesn’t happen.

Korea’s dog farmers oppose the president’s commission, claiming that censoring Western comedians is preferable to actually closing the canine chop-shops. But Korean animal protection activists counter that the best way to get Westerners to stop joking about Koreans eating dogs is for Koreans to stop eating dogs. “South Korea is the only developed country where people eat dogs, an act that is undermining our international image,” activist Lee Won Bok told ABC.

Good luck changing the mores in a nation where Marmaduke runs in the gourmet recipes section of the newspapers.

THE BEST-LAID GENERALPLANS

In this week’s “dumbass does dumb thing for dumb reason” story, Jon Minadeo is a dumbass who did a dumb thing for a dumb reason. The 37-year-old California neo-Nazi has a history of orchestrating stunts to publicize his anti-Jewish/flat-earth website Goyim TV. Past exploits have included unfurling a banner with the site’s URL over the 405 freeway, and placing similar banners throughout the Bay Area.

Last week, Minadeo topped himself with what he surely must’ve believed would be his greatest stunt to date: On the first night of Hanukkah, he placed fliers advertising his site on the doorsteps of homes throughout Beverly Hills. The fliers claimed that Covid is a Jewish plot to genocide the white race (no word if they were coauthored by a fake Australian aborigine).

The problem was, L.A.’s been plagued by mighty windstorms over the past week, so in order to weigh down the fliers to ensure they wouldn’t blow away, Minadeo enclosed them in bags of rice.

Somehow he thought that gifting Beverly Hills Jews with a bag of free rice would…upset them.

For a professional anti-Semite, he doesn’t know his opposition very well.

As Hanukkah began, the local Jews thanked G*d for the miracle of the free rice, and either prepared it themselves for dinner or gave it to their housekeepers in lieu of a Christmas bonus.

“Here you go, Rosita. Happy holidays!”

“¡Ay, mi familia of fifty will eat well tonight, Señor Rosenblatz!”

If it seems idiotic that a career anti-Semite would try to “own” the Jews by giving them free food, just remember: Jon Minadeo is an idiot, so everything makes perfect sense and all is right with the world.

Happy Hanukkah!

[Swordsmyth]

https://www.takimag.com/article/the-...-perished-168/

The Week’s Most Shaking, Baking, and Merrymaking Headlines

“I’M DREAMING OF AN ANTIWHITE CHRISTMAS!”
BLM has declared war on Christmas. After all, who’s more of a white supremacist than Santa? White elves outnumber black ones in his workshop (except in the basketball shoes department, where Santa uses Chinese orphans). He doesn’t have a single reindeer of color (Dasher, Dancer, and Vixen? Why no Dashiki, Twerker, and Norm Nixon?), he gives toys to all children instead of prioritizing those whose lives “matter,” and he culturally appropriates the Pan-African colors of red, black, and green.

So to bring “equity,” BLM has laid down the law: This Christmas, blacks must not patronize “white companies.”

“We’re dreaming of a #BlackXmas. That means no spending with white companies from Black Friday until New Years Day,” declared BLM. Black shoppers must “support Black-led-Black-serving organizations” and “buy exclusively from Black-owned businesses” because “white-supremacist-capitalism uses policing to protect profits and steal Black life.”

Some initially questioned whether BLM was actually behind the campaign because the press release contained no spelling errors. But it’s for real: BLM commands that blacks must only buy Christmas gifts from “black” businesses.

So that’s a bean pie for mom, crack for dad, and as for gramps, well, what do you give the man who has sickle cell?

Surprisingly, “#BlackXmas” isn’t going over too well on “Black Twitter,” where the BLM grifters might’ve finally overplayed their hand. Turns out most black kids don’t care about the color of the people who make their Christmas toys.

Reporters tried to elicit comment from con woman BLM cofounder Patrisse Cullors, but she hid behind her collection of Fabergé eggs on the upper floor of one of her multimillion-dollar homes.

And attempts to speak with Shaun King were equally unsuccessful, as he ran into a snowbank and blended in like an arctic hare.

Merry Black Christmas—Hoe Hoe Hoe!

SHEMALE-ON-SHEMALE VIOLENCE
Who doesn’t love a good catfight? From the days when Emma Peel would engage with beautiful female adversaries, all involved clad in leather, femme-on-femme fights have always carried a certain sex appeal.

Less appealing? Giant male rapists in drag beating up women for sex.

But welcome to 2021, when any mentally ill, pathologically violent dude who wants to assault a lady can don a wig and the press will dub it a catfight.

“Lisa Jones sexually assaulted female stranger she followed in Melbourne” read the headline in the Australian press. “A woman has been thrown behind bars after sexually assaulting a stranger she followed down a street.”

A woman-on-woman sexual street assault? Sounds improbable, if only due to the complex gymnastics of scissoring.

Turns out “Lisa Jones” is a man (baby), a convicted sex offender who did six years in a men’s prison for raping a child, only to then don a dress and wig, so that all further rapes “she” committed would be considered chick-on-chick crime. And of course the Aussie press is going along with the gag (to be fair, Aussies, their brains scrambled from two straight years of mandatory 24/7 masking and forced medication, probably lack the cognitive ability to differentiate a sheila from a shemale).

Melbourne judge Pardeep Tiwana expressed sympathy for Jones, asserting that the “traumatic and harrowing” experience of being a tranny in a men’s prison caused “her” to commit the latest assault.

When a courtroom observer suggested that expressing pity for a child rapist was not the act of a sane human, Pardeep replied, “Dude, I worship a four-armed elephant. You expect sanity?”

Jones will be free to rape again in 22 months. And if any of this seems impossibly asinine to you, just remember that this is the nation where for over thirty years Yahoo Serious has been allowed to identify as “funny.”

INJUSTICE DELAYED
Jews and blacks don’t always get along these days. To be fair, both sides are at fault. For example, NYC Orthodox Jews object to black thugs continually assaulting them, and NYC black thugs object to Orthodox Jews continually running away when assaulted.

But there’s one thing about which blacks and Jews see absolutely eye-to-eye: In law and justice, there’s no such thing as a dead horse. That 99-year-old German who delivered a box of käsespätzle to Auschwitz Commandant Hoess in 1944 must be tried at once! That he’s blind, dumb, has cancer and dementia, and can only communicate by farting in Morse code matters not.

There’s no statute of limitations (or mercy, wisdom, or common sense) regarding anyone who was peripherally involved in the Holocaust.

And now a bunch of people who couldn’t spell Wiesenthal for a million bucks are walking in the old Nazi hunter’s shoes. Black activists have persuaded the Biden Justice Department (a.k.a. “BLM-by-the-Potomac”) to go after any whites who might still be prosecuted for something—anything—involving old cases in which racist whites murdered blacks.

Naturally, Biden’s hacks are starting with the man The New York Times just can’t stop talking about, Emmett Till. And while the Times has certainly done a yeoman’s job of keeping Till’s memory alive (though perhaps they overdid it by serving “Emmett Tillapia” in the commissary), Biden’s race hustlers are upping the game by prosecuting an octogenarian who supposedly badmouthed Till in 1955 (Biden, who believes it still is 1955, cheered the effort).

Unfortunately, after months of investigative work and millions of taxpayer dollars, the Justice Department was forced to announce last week that it turns out the author who claimed the old lady badmouthed Till was in fact badmouthing the old lady by inventing a quote she never uttered.

Still, vengeance is vengeance! Time to go after people who claim that other people badmouthed Emmett Till 67 years ago.

Justice demands no less. Neither does insanity.

TODAY FREDO LITIGATES ALL FAMILY BUSINESS
There was a time in New York when the Cuomo name conjured up images of a crafty politico with secret Mob ties, a man you wouldn’t dare cross, lest you find a horse head under your sheets or a dead hooker on your floor.

But it turns out the Cuomos are a Corleone family with no Michael. Just a Sonny, who recently got whacked by two dozen women riddling him with assault accusations, and a Fredo, who’s too dumb to know he’s dead.

After committing so many ethical infractions that even his benefactor Hyman Roth (sorry, Jeff Zucker) turned on him, disgraced “news”“man” Chris Cuomo is refusing to give up the ghost. Even though the accusations against him are proven beyond doubt, and even though CNN has a right to fire anyone who violates their journalistic ethics policies (which can be found in any CNN bathroom in lieu of toilet paper), Cuomo has lawyered up, reportedly demanding $18 million in compensation for being fired for accusations he doesn’t deny.

It’s rather like if in Godfather II, after Neri shoots Fredo point-blank, Fredo just sits there and says, “Quiet, you’ll scare the fish.”

According to Vanity Fair, Cuomo’s entire case rests on a single argument: “Yes, I committed all those offenses, but Zucker let me, so give me $18 million.”

“Yeah—I totally murdered Govanni ‘The Lips’ Manicucci, Matteo ‘Madman Matty’ DiLuca, and Carlo ‘Unhealthily Obsessed with Taylor Swift’ Cacciatoria, but since the boss knew about it, I should be held blameless!”

Genius. A strategy fit for a Cuomo.

CNN has lawyered up too, so hopefully the entire affair will end in a shoot-out on courthouse steps with no survivors, everybody’s business settled with finality, and the world a better place.

A FLAMING LOSER
Hollywood routinely presents a ridiculously false view of how fire behaves. Any car that drives off a cliff explodes—sometimes in midair! And humans are flammable creatures that catch fire without an accelerant. Oh, and if you soak your home in gasoline and light it, as your furniture and belongings burn, there’ll be no smoke (why those “firefighters” constantly complain about “smoke inhalation” is a mystery…crybabies!).

Unfortunately, people who try to use fire in real life for nefarious purposes often find that she’s a cruel and unpredictable mistress. Take Julio González. In March 1990, the unemployed immigrant was angry at his girlfriend for breaking up with him. So he went to where she worked as a hostess—a “Garifuna” (Afro-Carib Honduran) underground dance club in the Bronx—and set the building aflame.

Eighty-seven people died (the fire was aided by the fact that the interior design of the club consisted of trees where clubgoers could sit bare-assed to replicate their natural environment), but González’s girlfriend just strolled out the back door.

The point being, fire is much harder to predict than movies make it seem. Good for grilling, bad for anger-fueled revenge.

Last week, a Maryland homeowner discovered this the hard way. The homeowner, unidentified in the press but probably named Dipstick McTardiman, found some snakes in the basement of his $1.8 million three-story 6,228-square-foot manor in Dickerson. Enraged, he decided to burn them out by tossing red-hot coals into the basement, unaware of what would happen when the coals came into contact with the many combustible materials stored down there.

It took 75 firefighters to extinguish the resulting blaze. The good news for McTardiman is that the snakes are gone. The bad news is he’s now the owner of a $1.80 pile of smoldering ash.

No word on how this rocket scientist came to possess such a massive “manor” in the first place, but rumors range from inheritance to “finding a genie in a bottle.”

A spokes-snake issued a public apology, admitting that it’d been unfair to infest the house of a man with a brain so much smaller than theirs.

[Anti Federalist]

The Week That Perished

https://www.takimag.com/article/the-...-perished-169/

Takimag

December 18, 2021

The Week’s Most Chiding, Abiding, and Yuletiding Headlines

THE BAD PARENT-HOOD

Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow…with murderousness!

Last week in Garden Grove, Calif., a youth basketball game was disrupted when one of the player’s mamas, Latira Shonty-Hunt (of the Orange County Shonty-Hunts), instructed her thuggish daughter to sucker punch another player for an on-court infraction (to be fair, the Shonty-Hunt coat of arms depicts a gold-toothed gangbanger curb-stomping a child).

Turns out the punchy point guard’s dad is an actual NBA player, meaning that Latira Shonty-Hunt hit the jackpot in what’s known as the “NBA lottery” (that’s when the condom breaks during a one-night stand).

The sucker-puncher has been banned from the league, and Mom’s done got herself arrested for contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

She’ll likely face less time than James and Jennifer Crumbley, whose son Ethan went on a lethal shooting rampage at his Michigan high school two weeks ago. Immediately prior to the murders, 17-year-old Ethan had penned a plea for help, claiming that voices in his head were compelling him to shoot people: “Blood everywhere. The thoughts won’t stop. Help me.”

The Crumbleys’ solution? “This brand-new SIG Sauer will heal your troubled mind!”

Mamma Crumbley even tutored her son on how to buy ammo on a school computer “without getting caught.”

This isn’t a Second Amendment issue. It’s a “don’t give your youthful pyromaniac a can of gasoline and matches” issue. If your child is a shadowy lurking schizo nutbag, best to keep the guns ’n’ ammo locked up.

Like Shonty-Hunt, the Crumbleys will be spending Christmas behind bars…making the season just a little merrier for everyone else in their community.

HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF INSTABAN

J.K. Rowling poses a conundrum for new Twitter CEO JubJub Hindibindi (disclaimer: name may need to be fact-checked). Normally, anyone who claims that men aren’t women is immediately banned from the platform. And Rowling, one of the most successful authors of her era, is an ardent believer in the reality of women. But banning her has proven difficult, perhaps because BudBudBud Sidewalksoiler (disclaimer: awaiting fact-check) isn’t keen on the resulting publicity should he ban someone of her stature for simply saying “women exist.”

Last week, this column brought you the story of a convicted rapist in Melbourne who sexually assaulted a woman in an alley, only to then claim to be a woman himself, prompting the Aussie press to label the crime a “female-on-female” catfight.

(Peter Griffin voice) “You think that’s bad…”

In Scotland, police have declared that from now on, any rapist who tells the cops “I’m a bonnie lass” will be officially classified as a woman and treated as such, even if the offending bloke possesses a penis (this used to be a way of telling men from women. How lucky we are that the West has progressed beyond such superstitions).

“Police Scotland requires no evidence or certification as proof of biological sex or gender identity other than a person’s self-declaration,” Detective Superintendent McAnus Fitzcretin (disclaimer…) told the Daily Mail. In response to the new directive, Rowling tweeted: “War is Peace. Freedom is Slavery. Ignorance is Strength. The Penised Individual Who Raped You Is a Woman.”

Needless to say, trannies took to Twitter to report that Rowling’s words had literally murdered them. The responses ranged from “Don’t claim that transwomen are rapists just because they have a penis and rape women,” to best-selling author Seth Abramson (oy!) explaining that the new policy is necessary because governments should not be “empowered” to “misgender” rapists.

As of now, Twitter CEO Deltavariant Brideburner (name 100% fact-checked) is allowing Rowling to remain on the platform.

How long this will continue is known only to that mystical collection of magical men in drag, the Order of the Penix.

BLUEBALL DANUBE

Those wacky Austrians! The Vienna Natural History Museum is “repurposing” its vast collection of human remains, launching a new exhibit where people can tour over 300 years of preserved body parts, including bloated livers, enlarged hearts, misbegotten fetuses, and of course balls balls balls!

For some odd reason, the human-remains display is attracting controversy. While museum personnel stress that the purpose of the exhibit is to educate the public and show the deleterious effects on organs of things like smoking and alcohol, critics retort that many of the body parts were taken from cadavers without the consent of the deceased or their family.

According to Agence France-Presse, one of the biggest points of contention regarding the exhibition concerns the sordid history surrounding the remains of Saartjie Baartman, an African tribeswoman from the 1800s who had such a “generous” posterior that she was paraded around Europe as a medical curiosity, and when she died, her ass was literally preserved and taken on tour.

Yes, Europeans in 1850 paid money to stare at a giant dead ass on a stage, and it was still a better live show than Madonna.

Baartman’s rear ended up in a museum, sparking a fierce debate over the exploitation of nonwhite remains. Eulogizing Baartman following her death, the great orator Frederick Douglass is reported to have said, “Let us not look at this woman as lesser than, for we are all equal before the Almighty. Also, her booty so big when she go to the beach it becomes high tide. When she farts trailer parks blow over. Bitch be a walkin’ eclipse. Her booty so large it got its own congressman.”

In the 1970s, Baartman’s butt was returned to Africa, where it was used to plug up the Mount Nyiragongo volcano.

Vienna Natural History Museum curator Eduard Winter assured the AFP that the body parts currently on display at his institution are being handled with the greatest respect so that the museum doesn’t repeat the racist discourtesy that surrounded the treatment of Ms. Baartman’s remains.

He then added, “Her booty so big Hitler annexed it for lebensraum.”

THE VAXSUCKER PROXY

Here’s to entrepreneurship! A New Zealand man has launched a cottage industry aimed at locals who are reluctant to take the Covid vax or any of the—what are we up to now?—three, five, ten boosters (give it a year and there’ll be as many boosters as genders).

For a few dollarydoos, the industrious Kiwi would take shots for those reluctant to do so themselves. The New Zealand press has reported that the human pincushion reportedly took as many as ten “jabs” per day.

Astrid Koornneef, who is either the New Zealand Ministry of Health’s Covid-19 program manager or the item that nobody orders at a Scandinavian deli, told the press that the vaxxed-for-hire miscreant—whose name was not released but it’s almost certainly “Pokey”—has been detained. Meanwhile, Auckland University professor Nikki Turner of the Immunisation Advisory Centre cautioned that there’s no data regarding the effects on the human body of taking that many shots. “This is definitely not recommended…. [We] have no evidence as to what side effects somebody would have with this amount of vaccine.”

Auckland police had no problem identifying the suspect, as he’s fifteen feet tall with green hair, an elephant-man head, three legs, a tail, and seven arms.

New Zealand Hindus have already declared him their new god.

If you’re wondering how in New Zealand—a nation where even the barest essentials are denied to the unvaxxed and unmasked—a man could pull off the scam of taking jabs while masquerading as other people, it turns out that photo ID is not required to get a vax card because the government fears that requiring identification would prevent the nation’s “transients” from getting the shot (most New Zealand transients are actually midgets left behind after Peter Jackson filmed the Hobbit movies).

The Biden administration responded to the events in New Zealand by reminding the press that such vax proxy chicanery could never happen here because “in America, ID is essential to establishing who got the shot. Now as for voting, that’s another story…”

CELESTIALS ON THE MOON

The Chinese may not have put a man on the moon, but at least they can build a sweatshop there.

A Chinese lunar rover (the only kind of rover the Chinese don’t eat) has apparently discovered a cube-like structure on the moon’s surface. Dubbed the “mysterious house,” the object will remain unknown until the lander reaches it for closer inspection, which will take between two to three months because the Chinese space program is run on power generated by child laborers.

Some have theorized that the mystery object is just a square-shaped rock, but to the CCP, it doesn’t matter; if it can house a Nike factory, that’s all that counts.

On the off chance that the structure is filled with aliens, Joe Biden has already promised them H-1B visas and $450,000.

And speaking of the U.S., while public sector space exploration seems to have stalled at “If our astronauts aren’t trannies of color, we’re not interested,” Dr. Garry Nolan, professor of pathology at Stanford University, told Vice last week that based on MRIs, people who claim to have been abducted by UFOs have cranial scarring as a result of their abductions.

If you’re curious whether the good doctor considered an alternative, horse-before-cart scenario in which the brain disorders caused the victims to believe they were abducted, keep in mind that Dr. Nolan once claimed to have located a tiny alien skeleton in Chile…which turned out to be the bones of a very human midget.

Yet more proof of the environmental damage caused by Peter Jackson’s Hobbit films.

Dude, if you’re gonna litter the globe with midgets, please clean up after yourself.

[Anti Federalist]

The Week That Perished

https://www.takimag.com/article/the-...-perished-171/

Takimag

January 02, 2022

The Week’s Most Defining, Refining, and Auld Lang Syne-ing Headlines

BONNIE AND CLOD

In 2019, while promoting her “black Bonnie and Clyde” movie Queen & Slim, Greek-Jewish-Jamaican filmmaker Melina Matsoukas (a.k.a. Zorba the Kvetching Rastafarian) asked a question for the ages: “Why Bonnie and Clyde always gotta be white?”

Well, the obvious answer is because they were white. Bonnie and Clyde were real people.

But another, equally valid answer is that they never ran themselves over with their own getaway vehicle.

By virtue of his name, Kashontez Kavier Cash-On Grigler was never destined to cure cancer. Indeed, if you name your baby Kashontez Kavier Cash-On, give birth, leave the hospital, and drive directly to county lockup to deposit the child. Because that’s where he’s gonna end up anyway, so you might as well cut out the middleman.

Or, you could do what the Grigler family has actually done. Fourteen-year-old Cash-On was skulking about with his girlfriend in their hometown of Aurora, Colo., when they came upon a minivan ripe for the stealing. So they stole it. With the girl at the wheel, Kashontez decided to hang out the door, doing his best “I’m kang of the world” impression.

Sadly, he lost his grip and fell under the vehicle. And with that, Cash-On cashed-out.

Now, no one can blame his parents for grieving (though you can totally blame them for the name that sealed his fate). But the Griglers have decided to deal with their grief by trying to get the owner of the minivan criminally charged because their son and his girlfriend stole it. See, the minivan was too much of a temptation for the young astronauts, so they shouldn’t be held responsible for the theft. Anyone who owns anything nice needs to be prosecuted if a black person dies after stealing it.

The family hasn’t said if they plan to sue the owner should Aurora’s DA not charge him. But if they do, they’ll likely find some shyster who’ll take the case pro-bonehead.

BLAME GAME FOR THE LAME
Mind you, it’s not just black Americans who have difficulty assigning proper blame for a loved one’s death. A new HBO Max documentary, Adrienne, tells the story of actress-director Adrienne Shelly, who was murdered inside her Manhattan office in 2006 by 19-year-old Ecuadorean illegal alien Diego Pillco.

Pillco, who was working as an off-the-books hire at a construction site at the time, has given multiple, contradictory accounts of the crime. He initially claimed that Shelly infuriated him by asking his crew to keep the noise down (to be fair, the Ecuadorean national anthem is a jackhammer pounding concrete…if you’re ever offered tickets to the Ecuadorian National Symphony, take a pass).

Pillco explained that he followed Shelly to her office to lecture her on cultural sensitivity, and when she balked, he did the only logical thing and strangled her.

In later versions of the story, Pillco confessed that he’d just wanted to rob her, but when the blonde gringo wouldn’t give up the goods, he “snapped.”

Regardless, as it’s NYC, he’ll be a free man in 2033, when he’ll be in his 40s and more than able to resume blonde-hunting.

The HBO Max documentary about the case was produced by Shelly’s widower, Andy Ostroy. And as he’s been promoting the film, Ostroy’s taken every opportunity to slam “xenophobic” opponents of illegal immigration who dare to say that letting murderous illegals into the country is what led to a murderous illegal killing his wife. Indeed, Ostroy even penned an op-ed lecturing people to not insult his wife’s killer by calling him an “illegal.” Rather, he’s “a killer who simply happened to be an undocumented immigrant” (that’s an actual quote).

Oddly, Ostroy sued the construction company that employed Pillco, which, though a worthwhile endeavor, appears at odds with his continued support as a “proud Democrat” for open borders. He’ll sue the ground-level scumbags who hire the illegals even as he champions the scumbags at the top who let them in in the first place.

Ostroy should team with the Griglers for a seminar: “The most idiotic way to react to a loved one’s violent death.”

BEING THE RETARDOS

With Afghanistan ringing in 2022 back in the iron grip of the Taliban, the nation can finally start making TV shows that appeal to its cultural base. Of course, shorn of Westerners, Afghans can’t actually figure out how to broadcast TV signals, so their TV shows are stage productions witnessed by sex-slave boys who then travel the countryside describing them.

“Absent from the Tutu obits was acknowledgment of the fact that by any measure, the old bastard failed badly at his ‘life’s work.’”
The Afghan version of I Love Lucy (“I Love Lutfia”) is particularly entertaining. In one episode, Lutfia burns the casserole and her husband Rakki shoves her face in it. In another, Lutfia sneaks into Rakki’s adhan-calling to get in on the act, so he severs her vocal cords.

The Mertzes are played by goats.

Okay, maybe that’s not 100% true, but what is is that the Taliban are cracking down on the casting of women in TV shows. In that, they don’t want women cast in TV shows. Afghanistan’s “Ministry for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice” (known in the U.S. as “Angry Incel Reddit Group”) has demanded that TV dramas and soaps no longer use females in any of the roles. Shows can still portray women; the roles just can’t be played by women (more work for those sex-slave boys…and possibly a few directing gigs for Bryan Singer).

Also, Taliban clerics have passed a law restricting travel by unaccompanied women. No female Afghan may go farther than 45 miles from her home without a male relation in tow.

So, basically they’re locking down women but with no soap operas or other women-centered TV shows to keep them occupied.

At least give them The View. As in, literally—send those harpies to Kabul, and if anything unfortunate should befall them, the Taliban would get so much good publicity they might finally get that aid package they’re angling for.

TA-TA, TUTU

Last week, South Africa’s Nobel-winning anti-apartheid activist Desmond Tutu passed away at age 90. Tutu was one of the most effective spokesmen for the anti-apartheid movement in the 1980s. Always media-savvy, Tutu helped spawn a spate of anti-apartheid songs from the likes of Hall & Oates, Bob Geldof, the Fat Boys, Jackson Browne, Daryl Hannah, Bono, and Bruce Springsteen.

The idea was to bombard the West with aural crimes against humanity, so whites could know the true meaning of suffering. “See how you like it,” Tutu famously said after the debut of the Bono/Fat Boys single “Jo’berg Sucka MCs.”

Absent from the Tutu obits was acknowledgment of the fact that by any measure, the old bastard failed badly at his “life’s work.” His defining achievement was the establishment of South Africa’s “Truth and Reconciliation Commission,” which was supposed to “heal the nation” by giving amnesty to anyone who committed crimes under apartheid as long as they stood before the commission and confessed.

The idea was, blacks who harmed whites would be forgiven by whites, and whites who harmed blacks would be forgiven by blacks.

One of those things happened, the other didn’t. Can you guess which is which?

So many whites have been murdered since the beginning of black rule in SA that it’s tempting to wonder if the uneven outcome of Tutu’s commission was a bug or a feature.

In 1998, when Anne Paton, the widow of the white author whose book Cry, the Beloved Country was supposedly an “inspiration” to Tutu, wrote a letter to The Sunday Times explaining that she was fleeing SA due to the nonstop murdering of whites (and her own near-murder), Tutu conveniently forgot to get any musicians on board for a benefit song (Johnny Depp’s short-lived rock band P had recorded “Die Anne” just three years earlier…a song ready-made for the occasion!).

Tutu died knowing that his jibber-jabber about “reconciliation” was as meaningless as a Zulu rain chant.

The only question (which the MSM will never ask) is, did Tutu die disappointed…or pleased?

THE SOUTH WILL OXIDIZE AGAIN
A funny thing happened when Virginia politicians kowtowed to BLM and decided to decimate all Confederate statues and monuments…they realized that the history they were destroying was more than just representative effigies.

There was, like, actual history inside those statues.

Several of the demolished sculptures had been constructed with time capsules in the base.

While razing the 134-year-old Robert E. Lee memorial in Richmond, workers leveling the pedestal came across a curious oxidized copper box. Turns out the box was a time capsule placed there in 1887.

Fearing that the box might contain racism, it was rushed to a forensic lab to be examined under controlled conditions.

Sadly, upon opening the container, the statue-destroyers were not attacked by suspended-animation murder cicadas. A pity, as the world would’ve been better for it.

Instead, the “researchers” (who, keep in mind, were happily participating in the physical destruction of historical artifacts) came across historical artifacts and feigned delight at their discovery like nobody would catch the contradiction.

“Yay, I just destroyed a 134-year-old monument! But ooooh, I just uncovered an old newspaper clipping! I’m a good historian!”

Along with newspaper clippings, the box contained Confederate money (burn it!), a button from a Confederate uniform (melt it down!), a shell fragment from the Battle of Fredericksburg (use it to shoot white women!), and an old directory of the city of Richmond (imprison the descendants!).

Hopefully, the inconvenient box will be the last impediment to clearing away the Lee statue to make room for its replacement, a monument to the legendary moment when Nikole Hannah-Jones discovered Mallomars (“man, they tasty”).

[Anti Federalist]

The Week That Perished

https://www.takimag.com/article/the-...-perished-172/

Takimag

January 09, 2022

The Week’s Most Shaking, Baking, and Resolution-Breaking Headlines

MINER 1619ER

Did you know that black women are God? That’s an actual talking point these days, and like a Lyme-carrying tick, you’re best off avoiding it.

The Black Woman Is God is a traveling exhibit currently housed at the SOMArts Cultural Center in San Francisco through Feb. 6 (so get your tickets now). And the central concept of the exhibition was defined last week by rapper Big Sean during an interview with Essence. Black women, the talentless mumbler explained, “are magical” and “the closest thing to God,” because all black people “come out of a Blackhole just like the universe was birthed and it’s really deep when you get down to it.”

Deep indeed (to quote an old National Lampoon punchline, “Help me find my motorcycle and we can ride around until we see daylight”).

Unfortunately, many of Big Sean’s godly black female fans didn’t appreciate the compliment, pointing out that the rapper never dates black chicks. Others on social media mentioned that “white” and “yellow” holes birth slightly less, uh, lawless “universes.”

And although everyone envisions God in their own way, it’s a little difficult to imagine an all-powerful deity brawling at McDonald’s because they fries be takin’ too long.

“God was in this KFC today.”

“How do you know?”

“Look at all the shredded weaves on the floor.”

At the same time Big Sean was quoting from his holy (fentanyl) tablets, a sacred black woman stormed through a Venice Beach Rite Aid carrying a pickax, threatening staff and customers as she loaded a basket with shoplifted items.

Does that count as a religious vision? Our Lady of Yo’ Mama So Fátima?

It must, because in observance of the miracle, Rite Aid announced that it’s closing over 63 stores due to shoplifting by deities.

Vacant Rite Aids: the Lourdes of wokeness.

ALOHA ʻOE VEY

Pacific Islanders are some hefty SOBs. Back in 2015, CNN called the Pacific Islands “the fattest region in the world,” noting that, according to the WHO, “among the top-10 most obese countries or territories globally, nine are Pacific islands.”

There’s nothing “micro” about nesians.

While suggesting that Pacific Islander blubber may be genetic “based on the fact Pacific islanders once endured long journeys at sea and those who fared best stored enough energy in the form of fat to survive their journey,” the network declared Pacific Island fat-assery a major health hazard, a sentiment echoed by public health officials interviewed for the piece.

2015, such an ignorant and primitive time. People still thought superstitions like “genes” and “heritability” were real instead of racist constructs. And doctors still had the fatphobic notion that obesity is unhealthy.

Thankfully, Covid rid us of that silliness (just as it rid scores of fat people of their vital signs). These days, a coalition of “body positivity” activists and extremist pro-vaxxers who refuse to entertain the notion that anything other than vaccines and never-ending boosters can help fight the disease (“Therapeutics? Bunk! Reducing obesity? Voodoo!”) are making sure that fatties can fantasize that their fat doesn’t put them at major risk of dying from Covid…even though every single health agency from the CDC to the WHO says it does.

So when the Hawaii Department of Health decided to launch a New Year’s campaign to encourage islanders to get their jab, the poi-stuffed pinheads at the agency crafted an animated online spot in which a portly, chinless Hawaiian woman is thinking about her New Year’s resolutions.

“Eat healthier?” she wonders. But no, that thought is immediately crossed out with a big red line. Never eat healthy! “Exercise regularly?” she suggests. Nope, that one too gets crossed out as unnecessary. “Get keiki (child) vaccinated?” Yep! That’s the one the Hawaii DOH says you gotta do! Forget those other things.

Within days of posting the video, the Hawaii DOH was forced to remove it due to complaints from furious natives still dealing with the repercussions of the deforestation caused by all the grass needed to furnish skirts that can fit the state’s lard-ass hula dancers.

As they say on the island, “Belly kalikimaka.”

HEY, MASK THAT DUMPSTER BABY!

Remember when people would sneak into an airplane bathroom for a quick smoke?

Ah, the salad days! At present, it’s more likely that air travelers will hide in a bathroom to remove their mask to get a few needed gasps of unmuffled air. It’s actually rather surprising that the Biden administration hasn’t mandated “oxygen detectors” in airplane restrooms to make sure no one’s breathing too much.

Last week, a woman from Madagascar took the whole “dirty deed in the bathroom” thing one massive step further. Displaying the ingenuity that’s led to her island nation’s resounding successes in science and technology—over 7% of Madagascar roads are paved, and last year the country got its first VCR (once they figure out electricity, they’ll fire it up)—the unnamed Madagascarian crept into the bathroom on a flight to Mauritius and popped out a baby, leaving it in the trash bin and returning to her seat.

If you’re wondering why nobody sitting near the bathroom became alarmed by the cries of the infant, it’s because most Madagascarians have never been on a plane; the passengers were first-timers, so they just assumed that jet engines sound like screaming babies.

The child was eventually found during a post-flight customs check. After declaring the baby doody-free, the agents notified police, who took the woman into custody after conducting a medical examination to determine that she’d recently given birth (fortunately there was a European tourist on the plane who was able to instruct the Mauritius doctors where on the woman’s body to look).

At least the other female passengers didn’t have to endure what happened to the women aboard a Qatar Airways flight last October, when a newborn was found in a toilet and every woman on the plane had to undergo forced vaginal prodding.

Welcome to Aer Cunnilingus.

GETTIN’ BLOWN IN THE WIND

Back in August 2009, Bob Dylan was stopped by police while strolling through a neighborhood in Long Branch, N.J., because residents mistook him for a shadowy lurking creeper. The story went viral as music fans worldwide ridiculed the locals for not recognizing rock’s defining incoherent icon.

Well…maybe the neighbors were onto something.

An elderly woman in Greenwich, Conn., has filed a lawsuit against the 80-year-old music legend, accusing him of having molested her when she was a 12-year-old girl in 1965.

To crib a Norm Macdonald joke, “And I thought I left things to the last minute.”

Oldy McGee (identified in court papers only as J.C., implying a possible messiah complex) claims that when she was a child, Dylan (in his mid-20s at the time) plied her with “drugs, alcohol, and threats of violence” as he “groomed” her for sexual favors.

According to J.C.’s suit, the “depression, humiliation and anxiety” she felt as a result of the abuse “were of a permanent and lasting nature and have incapacitated plaintiff from attending her regular activities.”

Well, it’s good she’s finally seeking remedy now…when her life’s practically over.

Hopefully the closure she receives from the lawsuit will finally allow her to pursue her dream of becoming an Olympic athlete.

J.C.’s attorney told Page Six that he had no comment regarding why it took his client 57 years to seek redress, but rumor has it she became badly distracted by a Rubik’s Cube in 1980.

Along with her Dylan suit, J.C. has launched a petition urging NBC to bring back The Golden Girls.

A spokesperson for Betty White responded, “You couldn’t have done this a week ago?”

ONE STEP FORWARD, TWO STEPS BACK…TO HELL

No one’s saying that George Soros is the devil. That would be silly. That would be childish. No one’s suggesting that Soros sits at home singing “Those Were the Good Old Days” from Damn Yankees.

That said, if the devil were on earth, there’s nothing he’d do that Soros isn’t already doing.

Just when New Yorkers thought they might get a reprieve from the unprecedented explosion of violent crime and anarchy that’s plagued their city since George Floyd’s chiropractic procedure went south, just when it seemed like ex-cop mayor-elect Eric Adams was going to bring back something resembling law and order, in comes new Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg—a man whose campaign was funded by Soros—and voilà, like magic, the pushback against crime ends, and Adams reverses himself on his “restore the rule of law” pledge.

Again, no one’s saying that Soros is Satan. But he’s very likely Satan.

Bragg has decreed that under his rule, almost every felony except homicide will no longer be prosecuted. That includes armed robbery and the “punch an Asian” and “jack a Jew” games so popular among the city’s young blacks. Under Bragg’s new guidelines, armed robbers will be let off the hook as long as they don’t kill someone, and home invaders will get off as long as they only break into a part of the property “not accessible to a living area.”

So for Manhattanites with garages, now’s the time to move your crap into Granny’s room, because every garage is now a take-a-penny tray.

“Tough on crime” Mayor Adams declared Bragg a leader on “Team Public Safety.” When asked how he could so swiftly reverse himself on his defining campaign issue, Adams merely laughed and said, “These things happen.”

He then went home and gazed at the portrait of his grotesque 200-year-old self, pondering the possibility that the blood contract he signed with Soros in the 1800s was a mistake.

[Swordsmyth]

https://www.takimag.com/article/the-...-perished-173/

The Week’s Most Flaying, Braying, and MLK-ing Headlines
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH JEW-CONTRITION
New Mexico consistently scores worst-of-the-worst in terms of poverty and educational rankings by state. And many of the “Land of Enchantment’s” Jews want out. So where are they heading? L.A.? What, I’m made of money? Florida? Oy, the humidity. Okay, then Israel hows-about?
Enough with the Arabs already!
Nope, the destination of choice for New Mexico’s choosy Jewsies is…Spain.
Didn’t see that coming, huh?

It all started in 2015 when the Spanish Parliament apologized to Jews for the Inquisition and passed a “right of return” providing a pathway to citizenship for any Jew whose family had been kicked out in the 1400s.
Better late than never, huh?
Turns out there are thousands of Jews who actually want to take Spain up on its offer; the nation received over 50,000 applications from wandering schmendricks in the first year alone, many from New Mexico Jews who claim Spanish ancestry (or Spanish surnames adopted to allow them to take advantage of the affirmative-action laws they helped pass). So now Spain’s put the brakes on the program, and New Mexico’s unchosen Chosen are lobbying their elected officials to force Spain to let them in.
NM Rep. Teresa Fernández and Sen. Ben Luján made a personal appeal to Spanish Prime Minister Pedro Sánchez last week: “Let our people come!”
The Sante Fe New Mexican interviewed one of the frustrated farbissiners, Jean Stevens, who kvetched that the Spanish government “strung her along” for two years and didn’t inform her that her application had been rejected. She also complained that her brother hadn’t told her their father was dying until he was already gone.
And then McDonald’s left her fries on the counter for ten minutes until they were soggy.

This woman has no luck.
In an ironic twist of fate, Spain is facing so many legal challenges from barred Jews, the nation’s looking to up its quota of lawyers.
Some problems fix themselves.
TWO-POINT CONVERSION
Of course, in the circle of life, when something exits, something else enters. As New Mexico prepares to lose Jews, Ohio just got new ones. A black family in Canton recently converted to the militant “Hebrew Israelite” faith, and, eager to display their newfound Judaism, they stopped eating pork and started becoming litigious.
The family’s suing their son’s high school athletics department because, they allege, the coaches forced the boy, a star (of David) football player, to eat pizza with pepperoni on it, in violation of the family’s long-standing (like, almost an entire year!) religious traditions.

The coaches countered that players were given a choice of pizza or chicken nuggets, and apparently little George Washington Kosher went for the pizza, removing the pepperoni before eating it.


No matter, said the school. The head coach and six assistants have been fired. Of the fired staff, all but two are black.
You become Jewish and immediately you get rid of the schvartzes. McKinley High athletics department has been gentrified!
The coaches are countersuing the family for defamation, and while the family has obtained a fine Hebraic lawyer as befits their new identity, the coaches have hired a bargain-basement black one who’ll take any case for only $16.19 an hour.
According to the Daily Mail, the student has transferred to another school after facing bullying and harassment from his teammates, several of whom belong to a violent anti-Jewish street gang, the Libel Bloods.
You’re Jewish for just a few weeks and already, an expulsion. Hopefully he’ll have better experiences at camp.
No word on where the exiled boy will end up, but Spain could probably use a good kicker for its national soccer team.
THE BOYZ IN THE BUBBLE
From the Harlem Renaissance through the black-power movement, poems about black Americans have uniformly stressed one defining characteristic: strength. The power to survive and thrive under all manner of oppression and strife.
I am the darker brother.
They send me to eat in the kitchen
When company comes,
But I laugh,
And eat well,
And grow strong.
—Langston Hughes, 1925
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.
—Maya Angelou, 1978
I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!
—Black America, 2022
How the hell did black America become so fragile? Blacks go around these days acting like they’re made of porcelain. A slight wind might break ’em! “Racist thoughts” in the ether are shortening their life spans, giving the men hypertension and the women miscarriages, and causing low birth-weight in babies.
And whites aren’t just buying into this but enabling it. Last week saw a spate of stories about how Covid treatment is being denied to whites because hospitals, clinics, and health departments now consider being black a high-risk comorbidity. This isn’t just happening in blue states; it’s happening in places like Texas and Utah (where a perfectly healthy one-quarter-black college athlete would get preferential treatment over a 70-year-old white man with cancer).
The Biden administration (“I’ll take ‘three words that are never followed by anything good’ for $400”) has backed a lawsuit by black Whole Foods employees who were prevented from wearing BLM face masks (Whole Foods has a blanket “no political attire” policy for employees). The black workers, supported by the National Labor Relations Board, are invoking a section of the National Labor Relations Act that guarantees workers the right to not feel “unprotected” in the workplace. The employees are literally saying the BLM masks “protect” them from dying of racism.
Anti-racism masks…expect colleges to start mandating those immediately!
Today’s woke, fragile blacks “rise like air” because it’s the only thing in their head.
MOOS OF THE WORLD
Turkey may be a nation long past its prime when it comes to being a defining world power, but boy, when it comes to strapping cumbersome electronic gear to the faces of cows, they’re the international leader.
A farmer named Izzet Kocak (well, izzet kocak or isn’t it?) in Askaray (izzet kocak? Askaray!) has announced to the international press that he’s found a high-tech way to up milk production on his dairy farm: He’s affixed VR headsets to his cows. The headsets make the cows believe they’re standing in a lush, green pasture, instead of the cramped indoor pen of a local lunatic.
According to Kocak, ever since he put his moo-cows in the Matrix, milk production has risen from 22 liters a day to 27. He told Metro that the cows are “happier” now, though there’s a rumor it’s because animal-rights hackers replaced the VR pastoral images with scenes of the entire herd stomping the living crap out of Izzet Kocak.
Metro noted that the bovine VR headsets come from a lab in Russia. Not to get paranoid, but Putin’s an old-school spook of the poison-umbrella type. The dude never shies away from a wacky scheme, be it putting radiation in tea, dousing fathers and daughters with nerve gas, or transforming the Ukrainian president into Deadpool.
If the idea of Russia turning the West’s cows against us seems far-fetched, to Putin it wouldn’t be. Now that the VR headsets are being given a test run in Turkey, expect them to be the next big thing in the U.S. All day long, cows will receive subliminal messages: “Kill the Americans and their children! They seek to eat you; it’s you or them. Crimea was always part of Russia!”
There are 93 million cows in the U.S.—more than double the population of California. Still, the Soviet fifth cowlumnists might be slightly hampered by their inability to use a gun or knife or, like, do anything but plod.
But woe be to any teenagers who try to tip them.
They will bury moooooo.
DEFACE OF STUPIDITY
Opposite parts of the world, similar idiots.
In Greece, two gay men decided it would be a hoot to film a hardcore X-rated sex scene at the Acropolis in Athens. This is against the law over there, as no filming of any kind is allowed at historical landmarks without the express written permission of the Ministry of Culture.
But really, lack of a permission slip is the least troublesome thing about that shoot. Greek law forbids “any action on a monument site, which may directly or indirectly cause destruction, damage, pollution or alteration of its form.”
As it was a gay porn, there was almost certainly some “pollution.”
Police are searching for the men, who apparently aren’t the sharpest Spartans in the Hot Gate, because they showed their film at a university, and authorities got a copy.
The porn stars thought they could get away with it by covering their faces during filming, but unfortunately for them, as police were viewing the footage, one cop blurted out, “Hey—I know that penis! It’s the guy who starred in Leonidass vs. Jerxes.”
As everyone in the room stared at him, the cop cleared his throat and said, “How ’bout that Panathinaikos match last night? That last goal was a nail-biter!”
Meanwhile, in Big Bend National Park in Texas, vandals defaced an 8,500-year-old prehistoric stone carving depicting “abstract images of geometric forms, circles, and undulating lines” (this was from early man’s Spirographic period). Not surprisingly (because what could such people be except complete morons?), the vandals carved the date of their visit and their names into the defaced rock: Norma, Adrian, Isaac, and Ariel.
“Whoa, dude, how’d you find us?”
“You wrote your friggin’ names.”
“Whoooooah…an almost perfect crime. If only we hadn’t made that one little mistake.”
The hardest rocks are inside those cretins’ heads.

[Swordsmyth]

https://www.takimag.com/article/the-...-perished-174/

The Week’s Most Hibernal, Nocturnal, and Sempiternal Headlines
WAKE-OB’S LADDER
In the wokeness ecosystem, one corrupt race-hustler springs forth from another, which sprung forth from another, which itself sprung forth from another. It’s like the fly-egg-larva-pupa-fly cycle on dog poop, but far more putrid.
Last week, Marilyn Mosby, state’s attorney for Baltimore, was indicted on federal perjury and fraud charges. Mosby, a strong black woman, was especially strong when it came to bilking the system. She conned $100,000 in Covid relief money by falsely claiming “financial hardship” (her annual salary is $248,000), and she made false statements in mortgage applications for a $490,500 home and a $428,400 condo.
Now that’s some good old-fashioned “hardship.”
I’m gon’ lay down my burden,
Down by my riverside condo.

Mosby, who got where she is because of race, was helped to that position by Kamala Harris, who also got where she is because of race—half-black, half-Indian. And on the same day that black race-hustler Mosby was indicted, Indian race-hustler Charles Edwards pleaded guilty to federal fraud charges. Edwards had been Inspector General for Homeland Security under Obama (another race hustler), who appointed Edwards IG because who better than an Indian to investigate government waste? (Indians know all about “waste”…just look at any sidewalk in Mumbai.)
Turns out the pilfering Punjabi “used, possessed, and transferred stolen DHS-OIG and USPS-OIG documents and information to software developers in India.”
He also kept calling people claiming to be from Windows tech support.
The irony is, while Edwards was IG, he prosecuted a race-hustling Hispanic woman, Dawn Hamilton, for falsely claiming to be a small-business owner in order to receive benefits from the Small Business Administration’s Section 8(a) program, which throws cash at minority businesses like an NBA player at a strip club.
Rungs on a race-hustling ladder. Obama, Hamilton, Edwards, Harris, Mosby: each running their own game, each proving daily that diversity is our stench.
SAD SACKER
Naissus, 443 AD
The army of Attila the Hun relaxes in its encampment, the city thoroughly crushed.
Faint weeping is heard from Attila’s tent. Curious, one of his generals enters.

General: “What troubles you, my leader?”
Attila: “Why people gotta be so mean?”
General: “Sir?”
Attila: “People bein’ mean to me for sacking they towns. They givin’ me dirty looks ’n’ yellin’ at me. They be sayin’ I’m makin’ mahself rich an’ takin’ they stuff, like I don’t care or nuthin’.”
General: “But sir, you don’t care. You’re a heartless warlord.”

Attila (smiling): “Oh snap, I fo’got!”
Human callousness has never more vulgarly expressed itself throughout history than when selfish peons have shown hostility to ruthless pillagers without considering the feelings of those pillagers. Attila, Genghis, Timur…these were human beings. And shame on us for not taking that into account.


At least that’s how the L.A. Times sees it. Last week the paper ran a twelve-hankie portrait of BLM cofounder Patrisse Cullors, who is “healing” from having “PTSD” because the “little people” got angry at her after BLM sacked their cities while she nabbed multimillion-dollar book deals and splurged on fancy houses.
Yes, Cullors is claiming she got “PTSD” from those she gave PTSD (the people beaten and robbed by BLM, the families of those killed, and the store owners who lost their livelihoods).
According to the Times, the woebegone woke warlord “checked herself into treatment for post-traumatic stress disorder.” Cullors, the ultimate objectifier and attacker, told the Times she felt “objectified and attacked.” She explained that she couldn’t find a PTSD clinic that could treat her “racial trauma,” so she assembled a team of high-priced therapists and booked a country estate as her exclusive clinic.
Such a victim! Cullors should join Marilyn Mosby in a spiritual:
Swing low, golden chariot,
Comin’ for to carry me to my million-dollar home!
A MURDER OF CORNROWS
For its February cover, British Vogue hired the blackiest collection of African fashion models ever assembled. The dark-skinned lady noires posed next to each other, dressed in black, sporting the “noble woman-of-color face” that’s the template these days for all black female media photos.
Models Adut Akech (gesundheit), Janet Jumbo (only $1 more than Janet Large), Anok Yai (antibiotics can cure that), Nyagua Fall (slowly I turned…), Akon Changkou (you’re welcome), and four others carried off the cover in grand style. British Vogue editor-in-chief Edward Enninful, a Ghanaian, kvelled, “I love that we’re finally giving more space to African beauty.”
Unfortunately, that love was not shared by “black Twitter,” where malcontents complained that the cover is “too black” and the lighting makes the girls look “too dark. “They put these models in terrible lighting, they dressed them all in black like a funeral,” one tweeter fumed.
“This isn’t #BlackGirlMagic, it’s Black Girls Tragic,” another wrote.
“Why blacks gotta be so black?” might seem like an odd beef in the BLM age, but such complaints aren’t unique to blacks. Two weeks ago, Mercedes-Benz was pelted with criticism in China for an advertisement that used Chinese models with “slanted eyes.” Weibo users slammed the automaker for perpetuating “harmful stereotypes about Asians” by showing Asian women with Asian features.
At which point the highly rational Germans at Mercedes self-destructed like in that Star Trek episode where Kirk uses illogic to short-circuit some androids.
In response to the criticism, Chinese model Cai Niangniang (oh, a wise guy, eh?) told the Daily Mail, “Just because my eyes are small, I’m not good enough to be a Chinese person?”
Then she self-destructed as well.
It’s getting impossible to tell the difference between “racial pride” and “self-loathing.”
RETURN OF THE MACRON
The French always get things just a little…wrong. Like screaming “liberty, fraternity, and equality” during a “revolution” of terror and bloodshed.
Or declaring war on a more powerful nation in the name of liberating a nation they can’t possibly liberate, while trusting the British to stand by them in the aftermath.
“Sacré bleu, mes frères, why are you all heading to ze beach? Should we not be fighting ze Nazis?”
“Right…uh…well…we’re goin’ fer a dip we is we is. Just a right quick swim ’round the channel to ’arden the nerves, me old fruit, and then we’ll be back to ’elp you run off them bloody krauts.”
“D’accord. Enjoy your swim, mes amies!”
(The above was taken from the wartime diary of Charles de Gaullible.)
President Macron has decreed that in order to teach French children how to discern accurate information from untruths, to “educate our children with the critical ‘spirit of method,’” the government must ban all internet posts it considers “disinformation.”
Yes, that’s exactly how you teach critical thinking! Let the government decide what’s true and ban everything else.
Like how the best way to lose weight is to have someone else exercise for you.
Macron wants to prosecute social media posters for the crime of “diffusion by digital means of news which is known to be inexact and which damages others.”
Putting people in prison for being “inexact” will sure help teach those “critical thinking” skills!
Macron assured the media that these new speech regulations are in no way connected to the fact that he’s mere months away from an election in which he’ll be facing three rightist candidates, one of whom has already accrued several “hate speech” charges for daring to point out that violent Muslim immigrants are violent.
Macron insisted that he’s not attempting to use the new speech regs to silence his opposition. “This is France,” he told reporters. “When we want to silence opposition, we use a guillotine.”
He then laughed and added, “I’m kidding, of course. We just have our violent Muslims behead them.”
“POLITICS IS LITERALLY MURDERING ME”
Consider for a moment the mindset of the average Zoomer. Consider the world as they see it. Covid is killing young people by the score. Schools are unsafe. Three vaxxes and ten boosters will not protect you, even though you still need to get them because if you must die, die for science! Police shoot about a thousand unarmed people daily (2,000 in black areas), as Donald Trump mounts a Nazi army that will invade the Capitol (under the command of Obersturmbannführer DeathSantis), as Klansmen lynch the gender-fluid (a.k.a. every Zoomer) while climate change depletes the planet’s oxygen and people of color die agonizing deaths due to racism-rays emanating from old VHS tapes of 1990s stand-up comedy.
It should come as no surprise that young people who claim to be “news-savvy” are suffering debilitating health effects from the anxiety caused by their VR-nightmare America.
A new study from the University of Nebraska found that Democrat-leaning young people are experiencing “a serious toll on their physical health” due to their political beliefs. While the study found that this phenomenon is not confined to young liberals, that’s the group “most likely” to be literally murdered by their worldview.
Indeed, the study found that a large percentage of these face-tat fetuses have actually contemplated suicide because of politics. And why not? If you think death awaits you around every corner, via Covid, police, Trump, Nazis, KKK, racism, or global catastrophe, best to take the easy way out before you realize you’re trans and Dave Chappelle strangles you as you sleep.
The author of the study worries that if young liberals continue to suffer physically because of their politics, they might check out of the entire process: “If people view politics as so conflictual, and potentially a threat to their own well-being, they’ll say ‘heck with it, I don’t want to get involved.’”
It’s nice, for once, to end The Week on an optimistic note.

[Anti Federalist]

The Week That Perished

https://takimag.com/article/the-week-that-perished-175/

Takimag

January 30, 2022

The Week’s Most Galling, Appalling, and Stonewalling Headlines

JEWDUNIT

It’s easy to imagine Anne Frank sitting beside Emmett Till in the great beyond, yelling down at the living, “Can’t you morons please let us rest in peace?”

Ah, but what’s the point of murdered teenagers if you can’t turn them into an industry? Teens are lazy and work-shy enough when they’re alive; the dead ones who refuse to earn their keep are even worse.

Fortunately, that’s not a problem for either Frank or Till, the most profitable dead teens since Ritchie Valens. And last week was Frank’s time to shine.

While speaking at an anti-vax mandate rally in D.C., Robert F. Kennedy Jr. declared that Anne Frank had it better than unvaxxed Americans:

Even in Hitler’s Germany, you could cross the Alps into Switzerland, you could hide in the attic like Anne Frank did. Mechanisms are being put in place so that none of us can run and none of us can hide.

Anne Frank lived in the Netherlands, not Germany, but what’s a minor detail like that to a Kennedy heir who seems to be trying to outdo JFK Jr. in the “fatal nosedive” competition?

The Auschwitz Museum denounced RFK 2.0’s comments in a press release, which ended with a plug for the museum’s new Anne Frank Escape Room Adventure: Figure out the coded diary and unlock the secret annex before poison gas fills the room!

Meanwhile, a new book, The Betrayal of Anne Frank, claims to have solved the whodunit regarding the identity of the person who betrayed the Frank family to the Nazis. According to the author, a Jewish notary ratted them out, apparently because Anne wouldn’t let him stamp her diary.

The New York Times condemned the book, because surely no Jew would’ve ever betrayed another Jew during the Holocaust.

Cut to George Soros nervously looking around, eyes darting from side to side, saying, “Yeah, sure, that’s right, see? Jews never betrayed Jews during the Holocaust, see? And don’t you forget it, see?”

MEAT(HEADS) AND POTATOES

There are two types of people: those who like Neil Young’s music and those with good hearing.

Last week, the whiny relic penned an open letter to Spotify demanding that the streamer stop carrying the Joe Rogan podcast. Young threatened to remove his music from the service if his demands weren’t met. According to the jowly has-been, the Rogan podcast (Spotify’s most successful show) is “spreading fake information about vaccines.”

“Please act on this immediately today and keep me informed of the time schedule,” Young dictated to his secretary (a hamster) before storming off into a broom closet and angrily remarking, “This isn’t Massey Hall!”

The irony about Young’s “protest” is that Young himself has a history of spreading medical disinfo. In the 1980s, he went on a bizarre crusade against gays working in public places, because he thought you could get AIDS by touching something a gay person had touched.

“You go to the supermarket and you see a fagggot behind the $#@!ing cash register, you don’t want him to handle your potatoes.”

That’s an actual quote.

This summer I hear the drumming,
I’m dead from a poe-tay-toe.

Young was also a booster of Charles Manson, recommending the cult leader to music-industry execs. He even bought the dude a motorcycle! Manson called Young the only person who ever truly believed in him.

So, Neil Young championed Charles Manson and thought you could get AIDS from a potato that’d been “touched by a fagggot.”

By all means, trust this guy’s instincts.

And while Spotify responded to Young’s threat by acting like he doesn’t exist (which everyone else had been doing anyway), that surely won’t slow the man’s golden-years activism.

Next stop: his local supermarket. “Get rid of your AIDS potatoes or I won’t let you play my songs on the Muzak.”

ART IMITATES STRIFE

In their quest to make New York even less livable, two state senators, Brad Hoylman and Jamaal Bailey, have proposed a new law that would prevent the use of rap lyrics as evidence against rappers who boast about their crimes in song.

The law would bar prosecutors from bringing up a rapper’s admission of guilt, as long as said admission had been uttered as part of the accused’s “art.”

“The right to free speech is enshrined in our federal and state constitutions,” Bailey told the press. “The admission of art as criminal evidence only serves to erode this fundamental right.”

The idea that a confession can’t be used in court as long as it’s delivered as “art” opens up a whole new opportunity for fellowship between blacks and Jews. Black criminals can hire Jewish gag-writers to teach them how to deliver confessions as a comedy monologue, thus making them inadmissible under the new law.

Suspect: “There’s a joke about a guy named DeMarquis who robbed a bodega at Washington and 178th. Didja hear it?”

Detective: “No.”

Suspect: “Well, that cashier I shot in the face certainly did!”

Wakawakawaka!

Suspect: “You know why I punched that Chink woman at Tremont station?”

Detective: “Why?”

Suspect: “She asked me for some kung-POW!”

Boyoyoyoing!!!

Suspect: “Hey, here’s a hilarious one! I looted an entire Walmart. Cleaned the place out!”

Detective: “I don’t find that funny.”

Suspect: “I guess it loses something in the retailing.”

Ba-dum bum!

Suspect: “Yo, how many dead UberEats drivers do it take to change a light bulb?”

Detective: “I have no idea.”

Suspect: “Definitely not three…found that out last night!”

Wah-wah-waaaaaah!

WHAT XI REALLY WANTS TO DO IS DIRECT

Last week, Chinese basketball fans pelted black player Sonny Weems (who plays for the Guangdong Southern Tigers) with racial insults (Weems, to his credit, resisted the urge to shout back, “Hey, with me on the team it’s the LONGdong Southern Tigers”).

If the Chinese get that worked up about a black basketball player, one can imagine how they feel about the fact that Hollywood these days only seems interested in churning out films with black leads.

As a result, the CCP is rereleasing older American hits, but the problem is that a lot of those films are from a time when movies could at least pretend to be somewhat anarchic and not single-mindedly obsessed with social justice.

The Chinese, ever practical, have decided that the best way to deal with “problematic” American films is to reedit them so that they have pro-authoritarian endings.

Canny film buffs discovered last week that David Fincher’s Fight Club was reedited by Chinese censors so that Tyler Durden’s terrorist attack is thwarted and he’s taken to a gulag.

Funny as that may seem, in 1955 CBS forced Alfred Hitchcock to do the same thing with Alfred Hitchcock Presents. Hitch’s stories often involved the bad guy getting away. The network let the stories be shot as written, but then Hitch would have to appear at the end to reassure the audience that the villains were eventually caught. In the show’s adaptation of Roald Dahl’s short story “Lamb to the Slaughter,” in which a wife bludgeons her husband with a leg of lamb and then serves it to the investigating officers so that they eat the murder weapon, the network made Hitch add a coda where he said, “But soon enough the detectives realized what happened and arrested the widow.”

1955. So the Chinese are only 67 years behind us. Yet, as Hollywood’s most coveted audience, perhaps it’s time for filmmakers to go back to those good old days and start producing the kind of antiseptic content the CCP can be at peace with.

Like, remake Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner.

But lose the black guy.

WILD BLACK YONDER

Last week it was revealed that the U.S. Air Force repeatedly reinstated a female airwoman after she quit time and again during training. The sista was being groomed to be the first female to make it through the USAF’s elite special tactics officer training, but the trainee turned out to be “special” in all the wrong ways. During a land navigation event, she “self-eliminated” (that’s military jargon for “quit”; it’s also Secret Service jargon for why Biden needs a new pair of pants ASAP). The black trainee also quit twice during “water confidence sessions” in a swimming pool and there’s no joke that can be written here that’s any better than the one you just thought of yourself.

It was also revealed that the woman was only in the elite program in the first place because training standards had been lowered just for her.

Normally when a trainee quits they’re removed from the program. The trainee in question, Morgan Mosby, quit thrice, and leadership kept bringing her back, whether she wanted to return or not. Because today the medals aren’t for skill, bravery, or service but affirmative action, social justice, and reading Ibram X. Kendi books. And graduating a black female special tactics officer would earn Air Force brass the coveted “Kamala Cackle,” the highest honor that can be bestowed upon career military pencil-pushers.

Initially, USAF Lieutenant General James Slife praised Mosby and condemned the airman who leaked the story of her preferential treatment. But now that the press, and the GOP, are on the case, Slife is promising an investigation.

Funny enough, none of the media accounts mention Mosby’s race, and the USAF has removed her profile with her photo. That’s counterproductive. Stress that she’s black and the GOP will back off, lest they risk losing Baltimore in the next election.

As for Mosby, she’s blaming the entire thing on men who are “out to get her,” suggesting that she’s far more suited to a career in politics than the military.

[Anti Federalist]

The Week That Perished

https://www.takimag.com/article/the-...-perished-176/

February 06, 2022

The Week’s Most Fidgeting, Widgeting, and Midgeting Headlines

TERRORS OF TINY TOWN

Dwarf actors are kings of the self-own. You hire them, and they always find some way to screw it up. Suicide by gun (Hervé Villechaize, David Rappaport) or alcohol (Verne Troyer, Hank Nasiff), running their fool selves over with their own dwarfmobile (Jack Purvis), and even if they manage to avoid death and they get cast in a reboot of their most successful project, they’ll blow it by calling the director a “rapist murderer” (Mike Anderson).

And now the world’s most famous dwarf actor has decided to blow it for everyone else in his demographic. Peter Dinklage, the “handsome dwarf” (which is rather like saying that melanoma is the “least fatal cancer”; true, but it’s still cancer), has gone to war with Disney over the studio’s live-action remake of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Dinklage claims it’s “insulting” to portray heroic dwarfs with well-defined personalities unconnected to their dwarfism.

Dinklage is urging Disney to either scrap the film, or make the dwarfs into trannies (Grumpy repeatedly screams, “Call me ma’am,” Doc lops off penises, and Bashful lacks the courage to expose himself to schoolgirls).

As it is, Disney’s been patting itself on the back for casting a mixed-race “Latina” as Snow White: Actress Rachel Zegler is of Polish and Colombian descent (how can you tell a Polish Colombian? At the airport he puts his shampoo bottle inside his bag of cocaine).

The studio announced last week that it’s attempting to address Dinklage’s complaints by “talking to the dwarf community” (there’s only one way to talk to dwarfs, and that’s “down”).

Dinklage’s griping has sparked a backlash from less successful dwarf actors, who’ve accused the Game of Thrones star of ruining their chance at a big-budget movie role. These actors see Dinklage as a man who got so famous, he forgot his roots, as he now gives other dwarf actors the high-hat.

Of course, to a dwarf, even a yarmulke is a high-hat, so it’s all a matter of perspective.

LIGHTEN UP, BROWNIE!

John Leguizamo isn’t a dwarf. At 5′ 6″ he manages to rise just above being a DeVito. And Leguizamo is an unreliable narrator regarding his ancestry, at various times describing himself as Puerto Rican, Mestizo, Colombian, Italian, Basque, and Lebanese.

Yes, Leguizamo is all things…except a watchable actor (his “breakout” 1997 film The Pest bombed at the box office and was pulled from theaters after one week; it currently holds an 8% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes).

Knowing that he can’t carry a film, Leguizamo’s made a career out of being a supporting player in larger projects. And now, as a voice actor in the Disney hit Encanto, Leguizamo’s returned to being Colombian, giving a series of interviews claiming that if he didn’t look properly Latino before, it’s because he used to avoid exposure to the sun, as racist Hollywood producers had ordered him to “stay light-skinned.”

Leguizamo laments that throughout his career, he was told to never be “too Hispanic.”

Odd, then, that he got a boatload of money from Fox in 1995 to produce and star on the sketch comedy series House of Buggin’, which consisted of nothing but “cholo” humor. The show was so unpopular Fox pulled it in its first season.

Perhaps Leguizamo avoided the sun so as not to be seen in public by all the people who’d wasted time and money on his god-awful content.

Last week, Leguizamo may have taken his “poor brown child” routine one step too far. In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, he wept about being fired from the 2006 film Lonely Hearts because the director didn’t want a “Latin” in the lead role. However, the director, and others involved in the movie, strongly dispute that claim (director Todd Robinson told EW that Leguizamo was never even considered for the part).

If “sunlight is the best disinfectant,” it’s completely understandable why this slippery little mold spore tries to avoid it.

PREGNANT MEN AND CANCER COFFEE

Last week was a particularly good one for thee science.

Not science, as in, actual science. Last week was a crappy one for that.

But thee science, the leftist ersatz science (if science were a porterhouse, thee science is a soyburger), did quite well.

Apple released a new emoji for its iPhones depicting a “pregnant man,” because in thee science, men can get pregnant. Also, the pregnant-woman emoji was renamed “pregnant person,” to remind the world that men are the primary gestators of babies, and women are so incidental to the process, they don’t deserve to be mentioned by name.

Also last week, Sharon Stone, the marginally talented 1990s relic whose surprisingly decent turn in Casino is most notable for tricking Martin Scorsese into thinking he could repeat that success with Cameron Diaz, came out swinging against Joe Rogan, claiming that the Spotify mega-podcaster is an “idiot” who spews “medical misinformation” that “gets people killed.”

“I’m an infectious-disease worker who has won the Nobel Peace Summit Award for my work in infectious disease, Harvard Awards, Einstein Awards, you know these kinds of things,” Professor Crotchshot told TMZ.

This is the same Sharon Stone who announced at the National Press Club that she’d been diagnosed with terminal cancer, but when she gave up coffee, her tumors vanished overnight.

Yet she hates Joe Rogan for talking about Ivermectin.

She also told an audience at Cannes that the 2008 Sichuan earthquake, which killed over 87,000 people, was caused by “bad karma.”

It’s very possible that the “Einstein Award” she brags about was intended sarcastically, as in, “nice job, Einstein.”

Thee science marches on!

METAWORSE

With Facebook’s launch of its “Metaverse” virtual reality universe, Mark Zuckerberg surely expected to have a great 2022.

It’s not turning out that way.

When the U.K.’s Nina Patel created her avatar and entered the Metaverse, she was only looking for a bud-bud-buddy. Instead she discovered that her Poona is far from untouchable. Ms. Patel claims that her avatar was virtually molested by other avatars (ctrl+shift, then alt+tab+PERV to activate “Weinstein mode” in the Metaverse).

Ms. Patel penned a Medium piece in which she described the horror of being “virtually gang-raped” by male avatars. And although nothing actually happened to her in real life, Patel whined, “My physiological and psychological response was as though it happened in reality.”

Odd how gamers can get killed a hundred times a day playing first-person shooters and nobody ever cries about being “dead in reality.”

Still, Patel is virtual-bloodied but virtual-unbowed: “I am a determined woman, not about to be deterred by 3–4 avatars to scare or intimidate me.”

To hell with firefighters and paramedics: Nina Patel’s the real hero, as she stands up to enemies that literally don’t exist.

Oh, and Patel also runs a rival VR company. Not that this would give her any motivation to slam Zuckerberg’s creation.

Besides, Zuck doesn’t need any slamming from her to feel slammed. Since introducing Metaverse, his company’s earnings have plummeted, its stocks plunging 20%. This disastrous turn of events is blamed on FB’s “news feed” losing traffic.

Who’d have thought? Ban news links from all but the most antiseptic left-wing sources, and people stop paying attention to their feed. Nobody could’ve foreseen that.

Poor Zuck. Looks like his avatars aren’t the only thing being reamed these days.

QUEEER EYE FOR THE AGE-EIGHT GUY

When illegals cross the border by the thousands, NBC is AWOL. When nonwhites commit horrific crimes, NBC is out to lunch. If you call NBC to ask about a school-board cover-up of a tranny who raped a girl in a school restroom, NBC will pretend to be the maid: “NBC no esta aqui señor.”

But if a random conservative parent in a state with a population of almost 30 million files a complaint about a book in a school library, NBC is there, with mics, fedoras marked “press,” and a copy of the Constitution to wag at the evil “censors.”

Last week, “NBC News sent public records requests to nearly 100 school districts in the Houston, Dallas, San Antonio and Austin regions and found 86 formal requests to remove books from libraries.”

Eight-six requests out of 30 million people? Stop the presses! That’s 0.0002866666666666667% of the population! Forget that 10,000-person caravan crossing the Rio Grande…put every reporter on the 86 parents!

NBC presented the story like a scoop (and also like a story about censorship, even though it’s about 86 requests, not actual removals). Most of the (not) banned books deal with underage sex. One is about “a teenager who’s starting to notice his attraction to other boys.” Another contains “a graphic sexual experience between minors.” Yet another features “a description of oral sex with minors, among other sexually explicit passages.” And another is “about a 17-year-old gay student who has a lot of sex and isn’t ashamed of it.”

NBC is shocked—shocked—that parents might object to any of this. Certainly, if there were a book about a female avatar getting groped in the Metaverse, it would have to go. But these books? It’s almost like parents think teachers want to corrupt their kids.

Cue Rhode Island state senator Tiara Mack, a former teacher. Last week, the “unapologetically black queeer” who looks like Bill Nunn in drag declared that she’s “really excited for the house sex ed bill hearing later today. Teaching comprehensive, ***** inclusive, pleasure-based sex ed was a highlight of my time teaching.”

Teaching “pleasure-based sex ed” to children? When asked why NBC News hasn’t covered Mack’s comments, a spokesperson replied, “¡Ay yi yi, no es bueno! ¡Trabajo trabajo siesta siesta!”

[Swordsmyth]

https://www.takimag.com/article/the-...-perished-177/

The Week’s Most Basking, Multitasking, and Unnecessarily Masking Headlines

THE GU-GU MOLLS
Welcome to the 2022 Winter Olympics, where athletes from around the world are mistreated by a bunch of inscrutable automatons bent on world conquest through slave labor and superior math skills.

According to the Daily Mail, the rations being fed to the athletes in what passes for Beijing’s “Olympic Village” (a.k.a. Maoschwitz) are starvation-level scraps. But the Chinese math whizzes insist they’ve crunched the numbers and the competitors are receiving just enough calories to keep them alive…though not enough to let them win medals.

Also, athletes are being rousted from their beds at all hours for random Covid tests, and if the tests come back “unclear,” they’re hauled off to internment centers.

You know it’s a crappy Olympics when the Israelis actually hope to be taken hostage by Palestinians because it would mean an improvement in their living conditions.

It’s gotten so bad, competitors from over fifty nations have started a petition to get Eric Rudolph furloughed and flown to Beijing.

To Xi and his cohorts there’s only one thing that truly matters about these games, and that’s Eileen Gu. She’s the spoiled Zoomer brat who was raised, educated, and trained in America, only to compete for China because of racial identification with her “homeland.”

For Chinese leaders, this is the Gulympics, a chance to show the West that its gullibility regarding immigration will be its downfall, that no matter what kindness or benefits the West shows to Chinese migrants, racial loyalty—exactly what the West discourages in its own people and what the Chinese encourage in theirs—will win the day.

Gu is the ultimate gangster moll, hanging on Xi’s arm as he sneers, Edward G. Robinson-style, “M’yeah, see? Kipling was right, see?”

Indeed, word has it that Xi has included a copy of “The Stranger” with every meal of Oldboy-brand Sustenance Dumplings served to American athletes.

Now that’s just rubbing it in.

INSANE IN THE DEM-BRAIN
A common standard for determining if a criminal is competent to stand trial is whether the accused tried to conceal their crime, which indicates an understanding that society disapproves of their deed.

For example, if a dude kills his wife because a 40-foot whelk named Dippidy-Drippidy ordered him to, that’s crazy. But if he meticulously covered up the crime, that demonstrates an acknowledgment that he knew what he did was wrong.

On the other hand, if a woman strips naked, covers herself in tapioca, and runs down the street slashing people with a machete while pooping on the sidewalk (in San Francisco this is known as “a daily occurrence”), and when the cops come she hands them the blade and says, “I killed Gordon Lightfoot; where’s my Nobel Prize?” well, there’s a candidate for an asylum, as she’s obviously unaware she did anything wrong.

Which brings us to Stacey Abrams, the Angelyne of American politics. Last week, Abrams attended a “Black History Month” book reading at a Decatur elementary school (the book-of-the-day was How to Achieve National Political Prominence by Eating Ribs, Being Black, and Never Winning). During the event, she posed for a photo, unmasked and smiling like a psychopath, surrounded by a roomful of white children bound and gagged by masks.

She actually thought this was a good look. She had no idea it would cause controversy. She proudly tweeted the photo (as did the school’s principal). Look at me, unmasked, gap-toothed grinning like blackface David Letterman, forcing these ofay white devil-kids to “mask up” because I love having the power.

Shockingly, there was a backlash. Abrams deleted the tweet (the principal of the school, Holly Brookins, deleted her entire account!) and accused those who criticized the photo of racism for attacking her during Traffic Light Inventor’s Month.

Two days later, after consulting with Dippidy-Drippidy, Abrams apologized on CNN for the “bad optics.”

It ain’t optics; it’s brain-rot. The fact that Democrats keep posing for these kinds of photos without foreseeing the societal disapproval is legal-standard insanity—not just unfit to stand trial, but to hold office.

JESUS CHRIST, SUPER-HECKLER
Hecklers are the bane of live performers. Nine out of ten times, they’re incoherent drunks just looking to humiliate themselves. But every now and then, a heckler arises who speaks for the room.

Remember Perry Farrell of Jane’s Addiction? If you were part of the L.A. music scene in the late 1980s, you’d certainly have heard that Farrell (born Peretz Bernstein, an only slightly less stereotypical name than Schmegegge Klutzenberg) was the “future of rock.”

And whoever told you that would’ve also been really into New Coke.

In December 1990, Jane’s Addiction were performing at the Hollywood Palladium when Farrell stopped the show cold to embark on an anti-GOP tirade. Over audience boos (this was back in the days when rock fans wanted music, not lectures), Farrell announced that he was going to “spread some truth” by declaring that “Barbara Bush is an ugly bitch.” And right after he said that, a Doc Marten launched from the audience beaned him on the forehead, to everyone’s delight.

During the next night’s show, Farrell once again tried to talk politics…and a Birkenstock came flying through the air, cracking him in the face.

The names of the heroic Doc Marten and Birkenstock guys are lost to history. But if they left no footprints in the sand, it’s not because they had no shoes.

It’s because Jesus was carrying them.

Last week, far-left “comedian” Heather McDonald, a writer for really far-left atheist “comedian” Chelsea Handler, was performing on stage at the Improv in Tempe. In lieu of jokes, she lectured the audience about vaccinations while mocking Christians: “I’m double-vaxxed, booster, flu shot, and I have the shingles shot, too, and I still get my period, yes! I never got COVID.”

Sarcastically, she sneered, “Clearly Jesus loves me the most!”

And then she passed out, dropping like a stone, hitting her noggin on the mic and fracturing her skull when she hit the stage.

Pride wenteth before the fall.

In 1990, you could count on the audience to bean the self-important onstage scolds. Not anymore. But thankfully, Jesus is there, tossing spiritual Birkenstocks to show that the ultimate heckler’s veto lies with Him.

THE TURD AMENDMENT
James Madison: “Behold, my Amendment the Third: ‘No soldier shall be quartered in any house without the consent of the owner.’ Now, who could argue with that?”

Scooby Franklin: “Yeah, but, like, man, what if in the future some city orders Americans to quarter street dudes who, like, poop their pants and do drugs and howl at the moon and…”

Madison: “Enough, Scooby. We only let you in here because you’re one of Ben’s 200 bastard sons. But you’re a fool. This Republic shall never sink to a level where a city would order such a thing. My Third Amendment will cover soldiers only. Now, back to the opium den with you.”

Narrator: “Yet Scooby Franklin was correct. And in the year 2022, the city of San Francisco proved Madison wrong.”

Yes, the leaders of Pooptown USA are coercing locals into taking the city’s “unhoused” into their own homes. Using a combination of financial incentives and threats to expose old “N-word” texts, SF elites are trying to force locals with spare rooms to open them up to spitting, crapping, injecting, ranting, stinking schizos in order to make space on the sidewalks for more spitting, crapping, injecting, ranting, stinking schizos.

Essentially, the city is forcing every SF property owner to become a Section 8 landlord.

Fun fact: In the rental business, Section 8 means subsidies to house criminals, druggies, and welfare cases. In the Army, it means you’re a friggin’ lunatic.

Coincidence?

The city’s push to put hobos in homes came the same week that an interview with an SF homeless guy went viral. In the video, the dude admits that he ain’t no Red Skelton lovable tramp, but a felon who lives to steal and do drugs.

Odd how Nancy Pelosi hasn’t opened her mansion to him.

Wonder why?

THE NINETEEN-HADES
What if you could take the worst things of the 1980s and combine them in one person, a kind of Typhoid Mary embodying the most hellish detritus of that decade?

Take one part Boesky scandal, one part S&L meltdown, one part Milken bilkin’, one part ZZZZ Best Ponzi, and mix them together with that pinnacle of 1980s cultural vomit: white rappers. What would you get? You’d get Heather Morgan, a.k.a. “Razzlekhan.” This 31-year-old NorCal-bred Pacific trash vortex is accused, along with her husband, of a $4.5 billion heist involving manipulated cryptocurrency, NFTs, the “dark web,” money laundering, and Walmart gift cards.

But Morgan isn’t the kind of cultural sore content to just be runny; she has to be painful as well. Before her thievery was exposed by the Justice Department, Morgan, who wrote financial advice columns for Forbes, encouraged CEOs to relieve their stress via “rapping.” And Morgan, under her “performance name” Razzlekhan, was quite the rapper, if by “quite” one means “deafeningly unbearable.”

Waving her arms like a masturbating chimp, Morgan’s “raps” never even reached the level of that 1980s rapping answering machine tape:

I’m glad you called, but I’m not home;
But I’ll be back before too long.
Wait for the beep! Wait for the beep!

Still, Morgan literally incorporated those very lyrics into her raps.

No word on whether the CEOs who hired her for rapping advice got a free Alfonso Ribeiro breakdancing board to compensate for the money she swindled.

Morgan and her husband are facing 25 years in prison.

Sadly, it’s for financial fraud, not their music, which one could argue is the greater crime.



https://www.takimag.com/article/the-...-perished-178/

The Week’s Most Degrading, Upbraiding, and Ukraine-Invading Headlines

WAG THE DOG-EARED
In a 2004 episode of The Wire, drug kingpin and would-be legitimate businessman Stringer Bell gets “rainmade” by shifty city hall power broker Clay Davis. Bell had bribed Davis for the approval of contracts that never came through.

As Bell’s shyster Levy explains, “He rainmade you. A guy says if you pay him, he can make it rain. If and when it rains, he takes the credit. If and when it doesn’t, he finds reasons for you to pay him more.”

“Rainmaking” is a good grift; it’s also the best way to make an elderly dementia patient appear to be conducting foreign policy in his sleep (in the literal sense of that term).

Last week the NY Times ran a Biden PR piece explaining why President Snoozevelt is so alarmist about the “upcoming” Russian invasion of Ukraine: He hopes the alarmism will scare the Russkies from invading.

Nice rainmaking there, Ron Klain! If the Russians don’t invade, Biden takes credit for frightening them away. If they do, he takes credit for warning the world. It’s win-win, and he never even had to wake up.

Well, two can rainmake that game. The Week That Perished is alarmed to announce the imminent invasion of the U.S. by the island nation of Nauru. The first wave will involve special ops, who’ll confuse our dogs by pretending to throw a stick without actually throwing it. Wave 2, the “shock troops,” will stand on street corners next to the walk sign as if they’ve pushed the button. But they won’t, and everyone will have to run really fast when the light changes.

The final wave, the grunts, will cruise McDonald’s drive-throughs and ask about every single menu item until there’s a line stretching two blocks.

With America’s pedestrians winded, our fast-food aficionados emaciated, and our dogs deeply disillusioned, we’ll be presented with Nauru’s demands: a gift subscription to Netflix so the islanders can finally have something to watch on the nation’s only TV set.

This will happen next week. And if it doesn’t, you know who to thank!

“DIE BITCH” WITH A VENGEANCE
Last week Reuters ran a breathless piece detailing the “plague” of “terroristic notes” being received by school board members whose only crime is telling white kids they’re evil and should die.

Reuters quoted from a bunch of anonymous hate-notes that board members totally didn’t write themselves.

Because, of course, there’s no way to fake an anonymous threat. Unless you’re able to use a pen.

Just ask Kaliyeha Clark-Mabins, a black student at Southern Illinois University who’s pursuing a Ph.D. in “White People Want to Touch My Hair.” Clark-Mabins claimed to have found two handwritten notes affixed to her dorm-room door. One said “BLACK PEOPLE DON’T BELONG,” the other “DIE BITCH.”

The latter is also the name of a critically lauded German film about a female dog.

In response to the Nazi notes, the university called in the feds (Clark-Mabins might’ve been too wrapped up in writing her term paper “Polly IS a Cracker: The Racist Microaggressions of Parrots” to remember that these days the FBI will assign thirty agents to a piece of Silly String if a black person claims it looks like a noose).

Clark-Mabins told the feds that the notes were the work of two white students, Amanda Jerome and Jimmi Thull. No word on why Clark-Mabins fingered those two, but it’s almost certainly because she knew they secretly wanted to touch her hair.

The university’s Black Student Union held marches calling for Jerome and Thull’s expulsion, and a Change.org petition demanding the whiteys’ immediate removal garnered over 1,800 signatures.

But then it turned out that Clark-Mabins wrote the notes herself.

Didn’t see that coming, huh?

And now she’s been criminally charged.

Perhaps she’ll be able to lecture her cellmate on microaggressions.

HARVEY DENT BECOMES HARVEY GET-BENT
Last November, Thai fashion model Bew Jirajariyawetch was savagely beaten to the point of disfigurement in a random NYC subway attack. Last week, a suspect was arrested—a black gentleman with 44 priors.

Bew Jirajariyawetch’s attorney, who sadly is not named Jew Birajariyawetch because that would’ve been funny, slammed Manhattan’s soft-on-crime Soros-funded DA Alvin Bragg for refusing to keep hardened felons behind bars.

This was followed by last week’s brutal slaying of Christina Lee by yet another NYC black career thug who followed the young Asian into her apartment and stabbed her to death.

No word on how many priors that guy has, but Bragg put his money on 58 in the office pool.

In response to the daily epidemic of murders and assaults by black criminals with lengthy rap sheets, New York’s mayor Eric Adams, who ran on a “tough on crime” platform, has decided to switch to the far easier platform of “tough on white.” Adams held a presser in which he lambasted “white reporters and editors” for writing through a “white prism” that distorted their view of the city’s crime rate.

“I’m a black man that’s the mayor, but my story is being interpreted by people who don’t look like me,” Adams declared.

Well, thanks to the city’s crime policies, Bew Jirajariyawetch doesn’t look like anyone, except maybe the Elephant Man. So if reporters can only cover stories about people they look like, dig up Joseph Merrick and give him a metro beat at the Times (even 130 years dead, he’d still be a better reporter than anyone else on staff).

Adams threatened to stop talking to white reporters if they didn’t stop being so white.

And with that, the illusion that Adams was serious about fighting crime dissolved, as the city’s thugs danced in the streets like Ewoks, and the Force ghosts of David Dinkins, Al Sharpton’s liposucked blubber, and Tawana Brawley’s nonexistent rapist grinned with pride.

HALF-BAKED BREAD
In 1933, FDR signed Executive Order 6102, which required Americans to turn in their gold. The government, the polio’d privateer explained, needed all the gold (his slogan “Where the gold at? I want the gold, give me the gold” has inspired generations of leprechaun hunters). Americans were hoarding, see? And as a result, rail-riding hobos couldn’t afford sacks for their sticks and Dust Bowl farmers couldn’t buy N95s.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez fancies herself a modern-day FDR. And indeed she is, if you take away Roosevelt’s intelligence, cunning, communication skills, and comprehension of cause and effect.

But yes, AOC is exactly like FDR, if one limits the scope of FDR’s life to the five minutes on April 12, 1945, when, following his massive cerebral hemorrhage, he retained a pulse but had no brain activity.

At that moment, FDR was just like AOC.

AOC wants to be the FDR of bread. In her worldview, all crime is caused by nonwhites trying to “find bread for their family.” Yes, looters might look like they’re sacking Nike retailers, but it’s only because we live in an age of bread-hoarders, so those loaves of rye, sourdough, and focaccia might be anywhere.

“Man, I stole me fifteen Adidases today, and not one baguette in the boxes.”

“Tell me about it, brother. That old lady I mugged didn’t even have no English muffins in her purse.”

Last week, AOC was at it again, telling reporters that the current nationwide surge in crime is due not to DAs refusing to prosecute hardcore criminals, but rather the expiration of the child tax credit, which is forcing nonwhites to steal…

Thought she was gonna say bread? Ha! Wrong, sucker. Now it’s baby formula.

“The child tax credit just ran out, on December 31st, and now people are stealing baby formula,” EEG-flatline FDR told the press.

Of course, there’s no evidence of anyone stealing baby formula, any more than there was of people stealing bread. Nevertheless, AOC should go full FDR and propose an executive order that will nationalize the Paneras and force whites to turn in their Gerbers, so that thugs won’t have to steal tires or flat-screens to get the bread and mush they need to survive.

It’s AOC’s New Meal.

BLACK LIVES RAT-A-TAT-TATTER
Quintez Brown is Louisville’s “Mr. BLM.” The 21-year-old student at the University of Louisville personifies the organization in his hometown. But, as Sid Vicious might say, he’s had his fill, his share of looting. Yes, Quintez Brown decided to mature as an activist. No more smash-and-grabs, no more arson.

Quintez Brown was goin’ legit.

Time to run for office!

After all, in the past two years, Brown’s campaigned alongside local politicians who sought the BLM vote in this 24% black city. Brown was also a columnist for The Courier Journal, where, one can assume, he penned many a piece about white folks touching his hair.

Brown’s Twitter profile summed up his platform: “We have one scientific and correct solution, Pan-Africanism: the total liberation and unification of Africa under scientific socialism.”

“Scientific socialism” is as oxymoronic as “peaceful BLM activist.”

As Quintez Brown proved last week.

After filing his papers to run for city council, he learned that a white man—a dirty Jew, no less—was running for mayor.

It was the greatest outrage since Tuskegee Experimental Airman Emmett Till caught syphilAIDS from George Wallace (the comedian, not the governor).

So Quintez Brown decided to settle the election BLM-style. He loaded his gun, stormed into the office of Hebraic usurper Craig Greenberg, and emptied the weapon.

Not a single bullet hit anything but wall.

Although Brown was swiftly arrested, he’ll be receiving a special award at next month’s Oscars for his race-reversal Pulp Fiction “point-blank hand-cannon” reboot.

Even when he misses, Quintez Brown’s a hit!


https://www.takimag.com/article/the-...-perished-179/

The Week’s Most Scrutinizing, Glutenizing, and Putinizing Headlines

PUTIN OUT-TRUDEAUS TRUDEAU
The “Trudeau Doctrine” is very simple: If there’s even one Nazi flag at a peaceful protest, the entire protest is Nazi and must be dismantled by force, its participants imprisoned and impoverished. Never bother to find out who brought the flag or why. One flag = ruthless war of extermination against everyone present.

The Trudeau Doctrine has been lauded by U.S. leftists, who’ve long said that anything “Nazi” deserves to be punched, no questions asked.

So it’s rather surprising that Trudeau and the American left are angry at Putin for invading Ukraine. Putin made it quite clear in his Feb. 24 speech that he was only attacking in order to punch Nazis: “We will seek to denazify Ukraine,” to cleanse the nation of “far-right nationalists and neo-Nazis.”

Putin: the Antifa president!

This is some grade-A trolling. Putin, for his many faults, reads his enemies well (whereas Biden reads Where’s Waldo? not-so-well: “C’mon, man; where are ya?”). Western leftists have spent years pushing the line that the presence of even one “Nazi” in a thing means that the entire thing must be crushed, and all rights and rules suspended in the course of the task. And Western media has readily admitted the presence of Nazis in Ukraine (until last week, when it became a “manufactured claim”).

So there are Nazis that need punching.

Punch away, Vlad!

Even the American right is doing its part, with Tucker Carlson agreeing that Putin’s Nazi-hunting is legit because during WWII Ukraine “collaborated with the Nazis” while the Russians “fought fascism.”

Tucker “Wiesenthal” Carlson!

Putin may not be Sviatoslav Richter on the piano, but when it comes to playing Westerners, he’s a maestro.

TRANS-ATLANTIC
If Putin isn’t expecting much in the way of retaliation from the West beyond a few limp-wristed hisses from government-funded drag queens (“boo, Pu, your invasion is borrr-rrring!”), he can hardly be blamed for that belief. After all, the West’s been on a decades-long mission of sissyfication and self-emasculation.

But in the U.K., that tide may be turning. Last week Boris Johnson’s Education Secretary Nadhim Zahawi (Iraqi-raised, so he wasn’t indoctrinated to become Eddie Izzard) announced a new set of rules to “de-woke” public education.

Under the new guidelines, teachers are forbidden from pushing BLM propaganda and critical race theory. Teachers are also prohibited from portraying historical figures like Winston Churchill as “white oppressors” whose entire lives are defined by that time they dared to tell a diaper-clad wog, “You ain’t a betta man than I am.”

The goal is to reclaim the British educational system from fanatical leftists who seek to create generations of Brits who hate their homeland.

Across the Atlantic, U.S. teachers don’t have to contend with Nadhim Zahawi. Last week teachers in California debuted their latest advancement in educational technology: the “transition closet,” a cabinet filled with bras, dresses, and wigs that will be installed in schools. Boys will be instructed to enter the closet as male and come out as female, because teachers are some sick SOBs.

Still, all might not be lost. The originator of the “trans closet,” who goes by the online name “@justa*****teacher,” has agreed to donate several hundred of his magic tranny boxes to the Ukrainian war effort. Vodka will be used as bait to entice Russian soldiers to enter, and the hope is they’ll emerge as ladies after getting plastered and discovering their inner Catherine the Great.

Might it work? Is it possible that trannies will save Ukraine?

No.

Seriously, no.

FROZEN STIFF
President Xi sits in his palatial office, a photo of Mao (with eyes that follow you across the room) over one shoulder, a velvet painting of LeBron James in a Speedo over the other.

His aide enters:

Aide: “You sent for me, sir?”

Xi: “Yes. Tell me, what is world opinion of our Winter Olympics?”

Aide: “Do you want the feel-good answer, or the one that will get me shot?”

Xi: “Surprise me.”

Aide: “Well…it’s being called the worst Olympics ever. The opening ceremony attracted a mere 14 million viewers, compared to 112 million who watched the American Super Bowl the same week. There was a doping scandal, weeping teen girl skaters berated on camera, complaints about the shabbiness of our Olympic Village, athlete malnourishment, midnight MSS raids, Covid outbreaks, and abysmal weather. Basically, the world couldn’t wait for it to be over.”

Xi: [Stroking his chin in contemplation] “I will spare your life, because as bad as the news is, it could’ve been worse. At least no athlete had his penis frozen solid.”

Aide: “Uh…please tell my wife I love her.”

In an Olympic first, Finnish cross-country skier Remi Lindholm nearly became a reluctant tranny when his “pole” froze during his final race. Intense windchill had so alarmed Olympic officials that the course was shortened from 50km to 20km.

Frostbite was the main concern.

But, you know, of fingers and such.

Sadly for Lindholm, Jack Front came nipping, but not for a nose. Lindholm’s, shall we say, “Mannerheim” was frozen solid during the race.

On the bright side, medics were able to thaw out his creamsicle, a painful process that shattered the stereotype of Finns as stoic. Word has it Lindholm’s screams were so loud, a Uyghur in a faraway gulag heard them and said, “Wow, I thought we had it bad.”

Lindholm finished 28th, a terrible showing under normal conditions but gold-medal-level for someone whose privates were cryogenically preserved without his consent.

HARVARD JARRED
Remote learning caused a multitude of problems for America’s students, but nobody suffered more than academia’s hate-crime hoaxers. These doughty individuals, dedicated to rooting out America’s Klansmen by pretending to be Klansmen and then rooting themselves out, had a terrible time during school closures. When you’re on a Zoom call with your class, it’s hard to hide the fact that you’re the one who just took a Sharpie and drew “blackie go home!” on your living-room wall.

You can’t tell blackie to go home when blackie is home.

With in-person learning now the norm again, hate-crime hoaxers are making up for lost time. Last week, we covered a hoax in which a black Southern Illinois University student taped “blackie go home” notes to her own dorm-room door, falsely accusing two white students of the offense.

Only days after that hoax was exposed, a black female student at McClatchy High School in Sacramento scrawled Jim Crow-era graffiti around campus, writing “black” and “white” over the school’s drinking fountains (Sacramento was, of course, the heart of the Confederacy). The young rapscallion was caught thanks to security cameras, but local black activists, not wanting to give up the dream, refused to accept the evidence, preferring instead to blame Bull Connor’s shape-shifting ghost.

And at Harvard, Michael Cheng, president of the Undergraduate Council, claimed to have found anti-Asian notes taped to his dorm door (Cheng didn’t say exactly what was on the notes, but it was most likely “blackie go home” with “blackie” crossed out and “chinky” written above).

When the council drafted a statement in support of its victimized president, Cheng rebuked the statement, because in the recent Undergraduate Council presidential election several members had backed a different candidate. That makes them as evil as whoever wrote the note, Cheng told The Harvard Crimson.

So not supporting an Asian who runs for office is now as bad as writing a racist hate note.

How much do parents pay to send their kids to Harvard?

When asked by the Crimson if it’s possible that he himself wrote the notes as a way of getting revenge against the council members who refused to back him in the election, Cheng’s eyes darted nervously side to side as an Oriental gong sounded in the background.

“Damn gong,” Cheng exclaimed. “I knew downloading that ‘stereotypical ethnic incidental music cue’ app was a mistake.”

LABOR OMNIA VOMIT
Meet 32-year-old Oklahoma Democrat congressional candidate Abby Broyles. The perky blonde is looking to unseat GOP Rep. Stephanie Bice, who flipped the seat red in 2020.

And Broyles’ strategy?

Humiliating and vomiting on preteens.

Hey—is it any worse than what Biden would do to them?

Last week, Broyles visited a friend for a night of wine-drinking and girl talk.

Broyles really likes her wine.

The friend’s middle school daughter happened to be hosting a sleepover that same evening.

What could go wrong?

Apparently, everything. Broyles got so drunk, she began belittling and abusing the girls, hurling racial epithets and saying things one running for office shouldn’t say to children.

According to the NY Post, Broyles called one girl an “acne $#@!er,” and another a “Hispanic $#@!er.” When Broyles spilled wine on a girl’s blanket and the child asked for a dry one, Broyles called her a “judgy $#@!er.”

Eloquence worthy of Daniel Webster!

Then Broyles began projectile-vomiting, first in a laundry basket, then on the girls’ shoes.

Understandably, the parents were not pleased when they came to pick up their children in the morning. Several went to the press. And Broyles flatly told reporters that she’d never even been to the house: “I’ve been out of town on a fundraising trip. I don’t know these women and I don’t know what is behind this, but it’s just not true.”

A retch-wing conspiracy!

When confronted with the fact that she’d recorded a TikTok video with the girls that night while in her “not-yet-abusive” drunk phase, Broyles admitted that yes, she’d been to the house, but someone drugged her and forced her to hurl insults at the children.

And she spun that yarn with a straight face.

Forget Congress; put her on SCOTUS!

[Anti Federalist]

Diversity is discord, strife, weakness...all things opposite of strength.

For Chinese leaders, this is the Gulympics, a chance to show the West that its gullibility regarding immigration will be its downfall, that no matter what kindness or benefits the West shows to Chinese migrants, racial loyalty—exactly what the West discourages in its own people and what the Chinese encourage in theirs—will win the day.

For Chinese leaders, this is the Gulympics, a chance to show the West that its gullibility regarding immigration will be its downfall, that no matter what kindness or benefits the West shows to Chinese migrants, racial loyalty—exactly what the West discourages in its own people and what the Chinese encourage in theirs—will win the day.

For Chinese leaders, this is the Gulympics, a chance to show the West that its gullibility regarding immigration will be its downfall, that no matter what kindness or benefits the West shows to Chinese migrants, racial loyalty—exactly what the West discourages in its own people and what the Chinese encourage in theirs—will win the day.

[Anti Federalist]

The Week That Perished

https://www.takimag.com/article/the-...-perished-180/

March 06, 2022

The Week’s Most Straining, Sustaining, and Ukraining Headlines

SKOR-ZANY

Otto Skorzeny epitomized “strange bedfellows.” The Waffen-SS Obersturmbannführer was the Errol Flynn of the Third Reich, performing feats of derring-do for his Führer, much to the chagrin of Europe’s Jews. Yet later in life, Skorzeny was recruited by the Mossad to carry out operations for Israel (“schmaltz herring-do”).

And today the world’s witnessing even stranger bedfellows: Ukraine and Israel. For decades following WWII, Ukrainians were held as uniquely contemptible by those in the Never Againosphere (“Dey were da woist collaboratahs of da Holocaust”). Israelis loved nothing more than making elderly Ukies face the gallows.

But today? Well…guess who’s collaborating with the collaboratahs?

Back in 2018, Haaretz reported that Israel was funneling arms to the Nazi fanboys of Ukraine’s Azov militia. Indeed, it’s very likely that some of the weapons being employed right now by Azov against invading Russian troops are Israeli-supplied.

In 2019, Sergey Glazyev, adviser to Vladimir Putin, penned an article on his blog accusing Ukrainian President Zelenskyy and the Azov militia of conspiring with Israel to “cleanse” ethnic Russians from disputed parts of Ukraine in order to repopulate the areas with Jews!

It’s the ol’ genocide switcheroo: The cleansed become the cleansers.

Whether Glazyev’s accusation is true or a total Babi Yarn, the fact is, Israel’s uncharacteristic silence during the current chaos might lead some observers to conclude that there’s intrigue afoot, if not for the fact that Israel has never, ever, ever been known for intrigue (unlike those shifty Samoans).

Funny enough, the only sound coming from the not-barking kosher hot dog last week was a plea by the Israeli government and Yad Vashem to spare Russian-Jewish oligarch Roman Abramovich from sanctions, as he’s the single biggest donor to Israeli Holocaust remembrance institutions. Deprived of Abramovich’s dough, Jews are worried they might forget to remember.

If this whole Israel/Ukraine/Russia thing seems convoluted, it’s likely by design.

Hopefully some blond cheerleader will say the “N-word” on TikTok soon, and the American press can focus on simpler matters.

DUDE AIN’T NO ROCKET ZIONIST

Of course, if Israel isn’t keen on publicly interjecting itself into the Russia/Ukraine conflict, certain “friends” of Israel are more than happy to oblige…whether Israelis want them to or not.

If you were perusing the evening news last week and wondered why Gary Oldman was back in his “elderly Dracula” makeup from the Coppola film, in fact what you were watching was the triumphant return of televangelist Pat Robertson, rocking a knit sweater and looking more like your grandma than your grandma does.

Robertson emerged from retirement to warn the world that Putin is only pretending to attack Ukraine. His actual target is Israel, which he’ll attack after taking Ukraine and Turkey.

And why is Putin sowing such nefariousness?

Why, he’s the Antichrist, of course, who seeks to destroy Israel to bring about the End Times.

For the record, Putin is roughly the 500th public figure Robertson’s accused of being the Antichrist over the decades. Previous nominees for Satan of the Year have included Gorbachev, Clinton (Bill & Hillary), Qaddafi, Khomeini, Sadat, Hussein, and Johnny Depp (this was based on Robertson’s misreading of Revelations 6:8—“Behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Depp, and Hell followed with him”).

Also, the Russia/Ukraine war is just one of many events Robertson incorrectly predicted would lead to the end of days. Previous misfires include the Gulf War, the Iraq War, the Israel/Lebanon War, the Lebanese Civil War, the Iran/Iraq War, and of course the 2000 Super Bowl halftime show with Edward James Olmos and dancing Aztecs.

Following Robertson’s dire warnings, a spokesdemon for Satan vehemently retorted that Putin is by no means the Antichrist: “It’s Aaron Sorkin. It’s always been Aaron Sorkin. We put him on earth to torment mankind with his cloying, clichéd writing, but it turns out a lot of you actually like him. We greatly underestimated your tolerance for crap.”

INCONTINENTS

With everybody and their ’tarded cousin weighing in on the Ukraine conflict, last week the ’tardedest cousin of all decided to opine.

Nikole “Bae” Hannah-Jones, the “1619 Project” pseudohistorian fraud, graced the world with her “hot take.” And man, was it hot and steaming:

What if I told you Europe is not a continent by defintion [sic], but a geopolitical fiction to separate it from Asia and so the alarm about a European, or civilized, or First World nation being invaded is a dog whistle to tell us we should care because they are like us.

Behold the wisdom: Europe’s not a continent, and fears about the Russia/Ukraine conflict are grounded in white supremacy.

And for one brief moment, all fighting ceased, as every player—Russian, Ukrainian, Belarusian, Chechen—paused on the battlefield to acknowledge that “Bae” is a moron.

Europe, of course, is “by defintion” a continent, hence the use of the term “transcontinental countries” for nations like Russia and Turkey that straddle Europe and Asia (Bae thinks a “transcontinental country” is one that yells at retail workers, Call me ma’am!”).

As for her claim that global concerns regarding the Russia/Ukraine war are based on Eurocentrism, it’s far more likely that those concerns are rooted in the fact that any European war has the potential to go nuclear.

That’s why Kalahari Bushmen skirmishes don’t generate headlines. When your wars involve throwing mud and sticks, they just don’t make the history books.

“We have nothing to fling but poo itself” might’ve been an inspirational speech for the Basarwa hunter-gatherers, but it’s not the stuff of Netflix documentaries.

Still, be on the lookout for Nikole Hannah-Jones’ next ten-part NY Times series, “Why Antarctica Gotta Be So Cold,” coming next month.

NEW JACKIN’ IT CITY

As if young black men don’t already have enough on their plate—work, school, summonses, child support, and keepin’ it real—this cruel, unforgiving world is now demanding something else from them, something of a most personal and private nature…

Their sperm.

As reported last week in The Wall Street Journal, American sperm banks don’t have enough jazzy jizz. Black men are refusing to “cum in the cup,” and as a result, black women looking for love in all the wrong basters are being forced to use Arab and Indian seed.

This was a front-page WSJ story.

WSJ founder Charles Dow in 1889: “My shining new beacon of financial edification shall enlighten prosperous men of substance in the daily workings of the market.”

Dow’s sidekick Bunky: “Sure thing, Mista Dow. But one day it’ll also cover the nationwide shortage of black spooge.”

Dow: “Bosh! Pshaw! A most idiotic prognostication, Bunky. I rue the day I purchased you from that syphilitic street vendor.”

WSJ offers several explanations for the nationwide lack of semaaaaan: Covid’s made it more difficult to recruit donors at colleges and universities, and most sperm banks require a criminal background check before accepting a guy’s goo.

Another, unmentioned explanation might be that young black men love giving kids to single women—they just prefer doing it the old-fashioned way. For a demographic often derided as work-shy and prone to shortcuts, young blacks can at least pride themselves on the fact that generations of single black women got knocked up by men willing to “do the work” one-on-one.

The WSJ interviewed a black sperm-seeker who claims that she’s looking for a man whose seed will ensure that her child’s born with cornrows.

So maybe that’s another reason for the problem…a general lack of understanding in the black community of what DNA actually does.

GIMP ON THE BARBIE

The Australian government thought it could club the living hell out of its citizens to enforce Covid regs (you know, “for their own good”) and the brain injuries incurred from the beatings wouldn’t have any ripple effects.

It’s not like Aussies were geniuses to begin with, so repeated bonks to the noggin could only make things worse.

Kalman Tal is a fine example of Aussie brilliance. The 66-year-old white man from Queensland was constantly complaining about pain in his left leg, but he refused to see a doctor:

“Crikey! Me bloody leg’s givin’ me wuckas, deadset. Walkin’s hard yakka, mate. No furphy, cobber. No ambo, bloody oath; I’ll nut out on me own.”

[Translation: “My leg is causing me great pain, it’s true. I walk with tremendous difficulty. I’m not lying, my friend. But I shall not call an ambulance; I’ll deal with this on my own.”]

So what do you do when you’re in pain but too dumb to see an MD? Why, you pay a Third Worlder to perform drunken surgery.

Tal gave a Melanesian banana-picker $5,000 to take his leg off with a chain saw.

Melanesians are barely one genetic step above aborigines. In fact, in Vanuatu, banana-pickers are considered elites (“Look at Mr. Bigshot over there pulling fruit from a tree…he’s too good to dig for bugs with the rest of us”). Still, John Yalu, the man Tal chose for the job, wanted to disprove the stereotypes surrounding his people. With a steady hand, after a few beers, he delicately amputated Tal’s leg and…

Totally killed him.

Surprised by the blood-spew and agonizing cries of pain, Yalu ran away in a panic, leaving Tal to bleed out.

Unfair dinkum.

Yalu’s in custody, though detectives don’t know what to charge him with as there are many witnesses to the fact that the entire scheme was Tal’s idea.

Frustrated by what one Queensland cop called “the most bizarre case we’ve ever seen,” the police took a break to go beat some unmasked children.

Everyone needs a stress reliever.

[Anti Federalist]

The Week That Perished

https://www.ericpetersautos.com/2022...mobile-matrix/

Takimag

March 13, 2022

The Week’s Most Caddying, Daddying, and St. Paddying Headlines

FAUXPRAH’S BOOK CLUB

Leftist author Laurie Penny is half-Irish, half-Jewish.

How can you spot an Irish Jew? She thinks the IRA is a retirement account. She joined Sinn Féinberg and assassinated someone with a carbaum. She once captured a leprecohen, but its pot was filled with matzo balls.

Penny describes herself as “genderqueeer, pansexual, and polyamorous,” which is a verbose way of saying “raving lunatic.”

Her books are dedicated to slamming “transphobic” women who aren’t down with the whole “women don’t exist” thing.

Penny considers herself a “survivor of CPTSD.” “CPTSD” is post-traumatic stress disorder with a “C” in front to signify “complex,” which means “an idiotically convoluted reason for why I’m claiming PTSD.”

Penny never experienced any of the things that cause PTSD. She never fought in a war, or fled rape gangs in a Third World hellhole, or made a movie with Alec Baldwin. No, she claims that her “CPTSD” comes from the fact that her books get bad reviews.

If bad reviews lead to mental trauma, it’s amazing Michael Bay isn’t institutionalized.

Last week Julie Binder, a British feminist anti-transgender author, mocked “CPTSD” in a tweet:

I’m on a train, and have just diagnosed myself with Complex PTSD because a fella has just opened a packet of Cheesy Wotsits. I should be cured by the time I reach Darlington (unless some homophobe reviews this tweet & says it’s crap).

Penny haughtily responded:

I’m the person whose mental health history is being mocked in this tweet, along with everyone else who has experienced CPTSD- including a lot of your readers.

To which J.K. Rowling replied:

Laurie, you claim to be suffering PTSD because of *bad book reviews.* Bad reviews are part and parcel of being a writer. If they cause you equivalent trauma to being bombed out of your house or witnessing the murder of loved ones, maybe find a job where dishing it out, but not being able to take it, is a key requirement.

Forget Oprah’s Book Club; this is Oprah’s Fight Club. Take it into the ring with Joe Rogan as color commentator, and you just might attract an entirely new male demographic to feminist lit.

MY DINNER WITH TRANDRÉ

And speaking of BS “tranny-trauma”…

In the classic Japanese movie series Lone Wolf and Cub, disgraced, widowed assassin Ogami must decide whether to mercy-kill his baby or train him in the way of the samurai. Placing a child’s bouncy-ball on the floor alongside a sword, Ogami waits to see which one the baby crawls toward. The ball? He dies. The sword? He’ll become his dad’s protégé.

Fifty years ago, this was the stuff of pulpy action films. Today, it’s how we’re supposed to decide a child’s gender. The old method of actually looking at a newborn and saying “penis or no penis” has been supplanted by “my male toddler chose a doll over a fire truck, so he’s actually a girl! Let’s lop off his genitals.”

Back in 2016, Texas mom Amber Briggle thought she had a daughter, until the child chose fire truck over doll. So the daughter became a son, and when Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton announced his opposition to mutilating children based on the doll/fire-truck test, Briggle invited him over for dinner, to soften the evil redneck’s heart.

Surprisingly, Paxton accepted the invitation, but it didn’t make his Grinchy heart grow. Instead, what Paxton saw was a parent mind-warping an innocent child, so following the dinner, he actually doubled down on wanting to limit the ability of parents to hire mad scientists to turn their children into human centipenises.

And now that Paxton, along with Governor Abbott, is finally cracking down on the Frankensteining of minors, Amber Briggle and other parents of forcibly “resexed” children are claiming that the drive to stop the surgical and chemical mutilation of kids has given them “trauma.”

If you think it’s outlandish for people who inflict trauma on children to scream, “I’m being traumatized because I can’t inflict trauma on children,” dig this: Briggle told NPR that attempts to stop parents from cutting off their kids’ ding-dongs and woo-woos are “more detrimental to these kids’ health than a global pandemic.”

Yes, preventing parents from lopping off the body parts of children is worse than a deadly pandemic.

And just like that, Ogami the assassin looks perfectly sane by comparison.

At least when his son chose the sword, Ogami didn’t use it on the boy’s ball.

DEAD MAN KVETCHING

Call it the Shawschmuck Redemption. Or the Greenberg Mile.

“Only KFC initially refused to pull out of Russia, but that’s because Putin has the Colonel compromised with a pee tape that would’ve revealed the horrifying secret behind those ‘11 herbs and spices.’”
Jewish community leaders in Phoenix (the retirement mecca for Jews kicked out of Miami for going “oy, the humidity” one too many times) have filed suit to block Arizona’s use of cyanide gas in prisoner executions because it’s “traumatizing” for Jews to see “Hitler gas” used at “taxpayer expense.”

More than likely these are the same Democrat-voting Jews who pour millions of dollars annually into Planned Parenthood (“Dr. Mengele’s Snip ’n’ Save Abortion Clinic! You concept ’em, we dissect ’em!”).

In announcing the lawsuit, Tim Eckstein of the Jewish Community Relations Council of Greater Phoenix told the press: “Approximately 80 Holocaust survivors currently call our state their home and many of these survivors are horrified at being taxed to implement the same machinery of cruelty that was used to murder their loved ones.”

In fact, Arizona gives condemned inmates the choice of gas or lethal injection. So really, these Jews are trying to take away the last free choice the condemned men have.

Kinda cruel, when you think about it. “You’ll take the injection and you’ll like it!”

Fauci should put these Jews on payroll.

Ironically, American gas chambers predate the Third Reich. The first gas chamber execution on American soil was in Nevada in 1924. The inmate was a Chinese fellow, Gee Jon, who’d killed a fellow Chinaman in a gang fight.

And that’s the core reason for the outrage by Southwestern Jews. Gee was executed before he could finish his food deliveries. In Henderson, there are still Jews waiting for their egg rolls and chow mein.

“Morty, it’s been 98 years. I don’t think it’s coming.”

“One more day, Rivka…then I’m calling to complain.”

STINGER-LICKIN’ GOOD

Providing lethal aid by cutting lethal aid…an odd wartime strategy. The same leftists who demand that the U.S. supply Ukraine with Stingers and Javelins to kill Russians are also demanding that the U.S. cut off Russia’s supply of unhealthy food that kills Russians.

Fast-food joints like McDonald’s are being ordered to stop operating in Russia.

Cross-purposes? Don’t we want fat, lazy, “supersized” Russkies? Isn’t it helping Putin’s evil empire if we deprive his minions of addictive crap that renders them obese and slothy?

It’s like if FDR supported Hitler’s anti-smoking crusade. No, dude, we want Nazis dying of lung cancer!

Only KFC initially refused to pull out of Russia, but that’s because Putin has the Colonel compromised with a pee tape that would’ve revealed the horrifying secret behind those “11 herbs and spices.” But now even KFC’s joined the boycott.

Deprived of McNuggets, dye-filled Shamrock Shakes, and artery-clogging fried chicken, young Russians are now being forced to eat healthy.

That’ll show ’em.

Joining the boycott, Starbucks has also closed its Russian locations, robbing those filthy reds of the simple pleasure of a $12 cup of coffee.

These punishments are harsh indeed.

Perhaps a more helpful strategy would’ve been to let Russia keep its McDonald’s and Starbucks and we ship over our supply of big-boned weave-wearing black women who brawl over fries that be takin’ too long and young black men who wreck Starbucks because they want to use the bathroom without ordering anything.

We could easily part with a few thousand of such stellar citizens.

And the Russians would cave in a week.

Win-win.

FROM PIGMEAT TO DEAD MEAT

Pigmeat Markham was a defining black vaudevillian of his era; he drew huge audiences back in the days when blackface was a popular option for white comics but a requirement for black ones.

But the thing is, when social standards changed, and blacks were not only allowed but encouraged to show their real faces on stage, Pigmeat couldn’t do it. He could only be comfortable in blackface; he felt “protected.” Dubbed “the last man in blackface,” Markham ended up being attacked by the NAACP for his refusal to go barefaced.

As Democrat politicians are finding out to their dismay, leftists have Pigmeated themselves regarding Covid masks. Even if you tell them to de-mask, they won’t. They can’t.

This is the end-stage of Covid dementia: a nation of Pigmeats told by their own allies, “For God’s sake show your damn face already!”

Last week NYC mayor Eric Adams realized, much to his chagrin, that his city’s schools are run by Pigmeats. Even as Adams tries to end masking for K-through-12 students, teachers and principals are “ignoring the science” and ordering students to “mask up” anyway.

Adams went so far as to accuse mask-mandating school officials of “bullying” their students into wearing masks.

Good luck getting them to stop. NYC still requires children ages 2 through 4 (the demographic least needing it and most harmed by it) to “mask up.”

When there’s no logic or reason to the rules, it’s hard to tell the obsessives to get sane. Nothing about any of this is sane.

Except in Florida, where last week the state surgeon general came out against not just masks for kids but vaccinations for children who don’t have comorbidities.

Florida: on the front line of battling Covid blackface.

Dat’s one state Batmeat Markhan ain’t gonna play!

Masks don’t fails me now!

[Swordsmyth]

The Week That Perished

https://www.ericpetersautos.com/2022...mobile-matrix/

Takimag

March 13, 2022

The Week’s Most Caddying, Daddying, and St. Paddying Headlines

FAUXPRAH’S BOOK CLUB

Leftist author Laurie Penny is half-Irish, half-Jewish.

How can you spot an Irish Jew? She thinks the IRA is a retirement account. She joined Sinn Féinberg and assassinated someone with a carbaum. She once captured a leprecohen, but its pot was filled with matzo balls.

Penny describes herself as “genderqueeer, pansexual, and polyamorous,” which is a verbose way of saying “raving lunatic.”

Her books are dedicated to slamming “transphobic” women who aren’t down with the whole “women don’t exist” thing.

Penny considers herself a “survivor of CPTSD.” “CPTSD” is post-traumatic stress disorder with a “C” in front to signify “complex,” which means “an idiotically convoluted reason for why I’m claiming PTSD.”

Penny never experienced any of the things that cause PTSD. She never fought in a war, or fled rape gangs in a Third World hellhole, or made a movie with Alec Baldwin. No, she claims that her “CPTSD” comes from the fact that her books get bad reviews.

If bad reviews lead to mental trauma, it’s amazing Michael Bay isn’t institutionalized.

Last week Julie Binder, a British feminist anti-transgender author, mocked “CPTSD” in a tweet:

I’m on a train, and have just diagnosed myself with Complex PTSD because a fella has just opened a packet of Cheesy Wotsits. I should be cured by the time I reach Darlington (unless some homophobe reviews this tweet & says it’s crap).

Penny haughtily responded:

I’m the person whose mental health history is being mocked in this tweet, along with everyone else who has experienced CPTSD- including a lot of your readers.

To which J.K. Rowling replied:

Laurie, you claim to be suffering PTSD because of *bad book reviews.* Bad reviews are part and parcel of being a writer. If they cause you equivalent trauma to being bombed out of your house or witnessing the murder of loved ones, maybe find a job where dishing it out, but not being able to take it, is a key requirement.

Forget Oprah’s Book Club; this is Oprah’s Fight Club. Take it into the ring with Joe Rogan as color commentator, and you just might attract an entirely new male demographic to feminist lit.

MY DINNER WITH TRANDRÉ

And speaking of BS “tranny-trauma”…

In the classic Japanese movie series Lone Wolf and Cub, disgraced, widowed assassin Ogami must decide whether to mercy-kill his baby or train him in the way of the samurai. Placing a child’s bouncy-ball on the floor alongside a sword, Ogami waits to see which one the baby crawls toward. The ball? He dies. The sword? He’ll become his dad’s protégé.

Fifty years ago, this was the stuff of pulpy action films. Today, it’s how we’re supposed to decide a child’s gender. The old method of actually looking at a newborn and saying “penis or no penis” has been supplanted by “my male toddler chose a doll over a fire truck, so he’s actually a girl! Let’s lop off his genitals.”

Back in 2016, Texas mom Amber Briggle thought she had a daughter, until the child chose fire truck over doll. So the daughter became a son, and when Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton announced his opposition to mutilating children based on the doll/fire-truck test, Briggle invited him over for dinner, to soften the evil redneck’s heart.

Surprisingly, Paxton accepted the invitation, but it didn’t make his Grinchy heart grow. Instead, what Paxton saw was a parent mind-warping an innocent child, so following the dinner, he actually doubled down on wanting to limit the ability of parents to hire mad scientists to turn their children into human centipenises.

And now that Paxton, along with Governor Abbott, is finally cracking down on the Frankensteining of minors, Amber Briggle and other parents of forcibly “resexed” children are claiming that the drive to stop the surgical and chemical mutilation of kids has given them “trauma.”

If you think it’s outlandish for people who inflict trauma on children to scream, “I’m being traumatized because I can’t inflict trauma on children,” dig this: Briggle told NPR that attempts to stop parents from cutting off their kids’ ding-dongs and woo-woos are “more detrimental to these kids’ health than a global pandemic.”

Yes, preventing parents from lopping off the body parts of children is worse than a deadly pandemic.

And just like that, Ogami the assassin looks perfectly sane by comparison.

At least when his son chose the sword, Ogami didn’t use it on the boy’s ball.

DEAD MAN KVETCHING

Call it the Shawschmuck Redemption. Or the Greenberg Mile.

“Only KFC initially refused to pull out of Russia, but that’s because Putin has the Colonel compromised with a pee tape that would’ve revealed the horrifying secret behind those ‘11 herbs and spices.’”
Jewish community leaders in Phoenix (the retirement mecca for Jews kicked out of Miami for going “oy, the humidity” one too many times) have filed suit to block Arizona’s use of cyanide gas in prisoner executions because it’s “traumatizing” for Jews to see “Hitler gas” used at “taxpayer expense.”

More than likely these are the same Democrat-voting Jews who pour millions of dollars annually into Planned Parenthood (“Dr. Mengele’s Snip ’n’ Save Abortion Clinic! You concept ’em, we dissect ’em!”).

In announcing the lawsuit, Tim Eckstein of the Jewish Community Relations Council of Greater Phoenix told the press: “Approximately 80 Holocaust survivors currently call our state their home and many of these survivors are horrified at being taxed to implement the same machinery of cruelty that was used to murder their loved ones.”

In fact, Arizona gives condemned inmates the choice of gas or lethal injection. So really, these Jews are trying to take away the last free choice the condemned men have.

Kinda cruel, when you think about it. “You’ll take the injection and you’ll like it!”

Fauci should put these Jews on payroll.

Ironically, American gas chambers predate the Third Reich. The first gas chamber execution on American soil was in Nevada in 1924. The inmate was a Chinese fellow, Gee Jon, who’d killed a fellow Chinaman in a gang fight.

And that’s the core reason for the outrage by Southwestern Jews. Gee was executed before he could finish his food deliveries. In Henderson, there are still Jews waiting for their egg rolls and chow mein.

“Morty, it’s been 98 years. I don’t think it’s coming.”

“One more day, Rivka…then I’m calling to complain.”

STINGER-LICKIN’ GOOD

Providing lethal aid by cutting lethal aid…an odd wartime strategy. The same leftists who demand that the U.S. supply Ukraine with Stingers and Javelins to kill Russians are also demanding that the U.S. cut off Russia’s supply of unhealthy food that kills Russians.

Fast-food joints like McDonald’s are being ordered to stop operating in Russia.

Cross-purposes? Don’t we want fat, lazy, “supersized” Russkies? Isn’t it helping Putin’s evil empire if we deprive his minions of addictive crap that renders them obese and slothy?

It’s like if FDR supported Hitler’s anti-smoking crusade. No, dude, we want Nazis dying of lung cancer!

Only KFC initially refused to pull out of Russia, but that’s because Putin has the Colonel compromised with a pee tape that would’ve revealed the horrifying secret behind those “11 herbs and spices.” But now even KFC’s joined the boycott.

Deprived of McNuggets, dye-filled Shamrock Shakes, and artery-clogging fried chicken, young Russians are now being forced to eat healthy.

That’ll show ’em.

Joining the boycott, Starbucks has also closed its Russian locations, robbing those filthy reds of the simple pleasure of a $12 cup of coffee.

These punishments are harsh indeed.

Perhaps a more helpful strategy would’ve been to let Russia keep its McDonald’s and Starbucks and we ship over our supply of big-boned weave-wearing black women who brawl over fries that be takin’ too long and young black men who wreck Starbucks because they want to use the bathroom without ordering anything.

We could easily part with a few thousand of such stellar citizens.

And the Russians would cave in a week.

Win-win.

FROM PIGMEAT TO DEAD MEAT

Pigmeat Markham was a defining black vaudevillian of his era; he drew huge audiences back in the days when blackface was a popular option for white comics but a requirement for black ones.

But the thing is, when social standards changed, and blacks were not only allowed but encouraged to show their real faces on stage, Pigmeat couldn’t do it. He could only be comfortable in blackface; he felt “protected.” Dubbed “the last man in blackface,” Markham ended up being attacked by the NAACP for his refusal to go barefaced.

As Democrat politicians are finding out to their dismay, leftists have Pigmeated themselves regarding Covid masks. Even if you tell them to de-mask, they won’t. They can’t.

This is the end-stage of Covid dementia: a nation of Pigmeats told by their own allies, “For God’s sake show your damn face already!”

Last week NYC mayor Eric Adams realized, much to his chagrin, that his city’s schools are run by Pigmeats. Even as Adams tries to end masking for K-through-12 students, teachers and principals are “ignoring the science” and ordering students to “mask up” anyway.

Adams went so far as to accuse mask-mandating school officials of “bullying” their students into wearing masks.

Good luck getting them to stop. NYC still requires children ages 2 through 4 (the demographic least needing it and most harmed by it) to “mask up.”

When there’s no logic or reason to the rules, it’s hard to tell the obsessives to get sane. Nothing about any of this is sane.

Except in Florida, where last week the state surgeon general came out against not just masks for kids but vaccinations for children who don’t have comorbidities.

Florida: on the front line of battling Covid blackface.

Dat’s one state Batmeat Markhan ain’t gonna play!

Masks don’t fails me now!

I just noticed you posted the wrong link, this is the right one: https://www.takimag.com/article/the-...-perished-181/

[Swordsmyth]

https://www.takimag.com/article/the-...-perished-182/

The Week’s Most Raving, Enslaving, and Daylight-Saving Headlines
HARMADUKE
A world run by dogs wouldn’t be so bad, especially considering the mess humans have made of things. Dog World would be very close to utopia. Belly rubs would replace money, love and loyalty given would always be returned in kind, and work would be meticulously balanced with play.
Oh, and criminals would be scalped instead of coddled.
Utopia indeed.
Poor Talmika Bates. All she wanted to do was shoplift a few reparations from a high-end beauty-supply store. Sadly, it takes a lot of cosmetics to make Talmika Bates look passable to the human eye. So when the 26-year-old targeted Ultra Beauty in Brentwood, Calif. (near the Bay Area, right in the path of where Oakland’s raiders maraud every night), she brought along a BIG satchel.

Bates and two friends ended up making off with over $10,000 in merchandise.
Unfortunately, the beauty-challenged thieves found themselves tailed by cops, so they ditched their getaway vehicle and took to the hills. A police K9 named Marco found Bates hiding in some bushes, and when the German shepherd barked at her, and Bates replied, “Oh I know you dih-in’t just bark at me!” the dog retorted by grabbing her by the hair.
In his defense, he assumed it was a weave. It wasn’t, and Talmika lost part of her scalp.
She really gonna need them beauty products now.
Last week, Bates announced that she’s suing the city of Brentwood for “injuries, depression, and trauma,” telling the local press, “My whole brain almost fell out. I don’t even feel cute. I feel ugly.”
Well, she could always rob a beauty supp….oh, right.

As for Marco, he’s being floated as a replacement for L.A. County DA George Gascon. And he just might win, especially with California’s maul-in ballots.
STABR
Dating’s never been easier, thanks to dozens of apps designed to bring loved-starved young people together for a lifetime of happiness.
Or a night of gruesome geopolitical revenge.
Well, no app is perfect.
A Nevada man looking for love in all the wrong faces was bafflingly delighted when a 21-year-old woman named Nika Nikoubin responded to his ad on Plenty of Fish. With eyebrows that can be seen from space and a face that makes passersby think they’re in a Tootsie reboot, Nikoubin doesn’t exactly seem the type to set a man’s heart afire.

But she sure can rip a man’s jugular asunder, as the Nevada man discovered when his experience with Plenty of Fish resulted in the loss of plenty of flesh.


Turns out Nikoubin was fishing not for love but victims. The mannish Persian scare-quotes “beauty” wanted to get revenge for the assassination of Iranian military leader Qasem Soleimani, killed in a U.S. drone strike in 2020. Following Soleimani’s death, Iranian “Supreme Leader” Ayatollah Khamenei declared that his friend’s murder would be met with “harsh retaliation.”
In a world of dirty bombs, anthrax, and sarin, it’s not entirely certain if “setting up a random guy on a really bad date” qualifies as “harsh retaliation.”
Nikoubin took her prey to a Las Vegas hotel, where she plied him with liquor and had sex with him before plunging a knife through his neck.
Though injured, the man was able to push Nikoubin away, chasing her out of the room and calling 911. He survived his grisly injury, and, on the plus side, he did get laid, so was it really that bad a date after all?
Nikoubin is being held in a Henderson jail. And Ayatollah Khamenei had to explain to his mullahs why “Operation Bimbarossa” failed.
Unbowed, Khamenei vowed that his next assassin would be sent through Grindr, though he fears that some of the potential victims might actually enjoy the experience.
AMERICA RUNS FROM DUNKIN’
Last week, the Columbus police officer who, a year ago, shot and killed 16-year-old land-dwelling whale Ma’Khia Bryant was cleared of all charges by a grand jury. The cop, Nicholas Reardon, had been forced to shoot Bryant as she was about to kill another young girl, Shai-Onta Craig-Watkins. Reardon’s bullets stopped the murder-in-progress. Yet BLM and its political patrons demanded a witch hunt, claiming that Reardon should’ve gently delivered a Mr. Spock neck pinch to nonviolently subdue the raging beast who had Craig-Watkins pinned to a car with a knife at her throat.
At the hearing, Reardon pointed out that Mr. Spock isn’t real, and Bryant didn’t just outweigh him, but the car as well.
Ironically, as BLMers were decrying the Reardon decision, they were cheering the slap-on-the-wrist given to a 27-year-old black man for beating a 77-year-old white guy to death for saying the “N-word.”
Corey Pujols is the jive-talkin’ manager of a Tampa Dunkin’ Donuts. Vonelle Cook was a crusty old whitey who didn’t like his doughnuts (“Hang-darnit, I said the one with the sprinkles, not the jelly, you black bastard”). On TV, these two could’ve been the new Chico and the Man. But instead they became Africo and the Dead Man. When the irate Cook used the “N-word” while berating Pujols for his poor doughnut handling, the young manager punched the old honky square in the face, killing him, because that tends to happen when you punch a 77-year-old square in the face.
Last week a judge sentenced Pujols to a sweetheart deal of house arrest and community service, and not a soul in the black community suggested that a fit, healthy young man could’ve handled an irate but unarmed elderly man with less-deadly force.
Only cops are expected to be Spock. Fit young black men facing off against elderly white dudes are allowed all the lethal force they want.
Also, apparently in Florida you can now legally murder someone for saying “******.” Note to Quentin Tarantino: Shoot your next film elsewhere.
HOT (CAULDRON) FOR TEACHER
America’s teachers really seem to enjoy tormenting their charges. Forcing masks on toddlers, making kids (even vaxxed ones) eat outdoors in the cold and rain, and encircling desks with plexiglass walls.
Last month a Louisiana teacher was sentenced for serving students semen-laced cupcakes, joining the American educators “Summa Cum Proudy” Hall of Fame alongside the elementary school teacher who fed his students semen cookies and the music teacher who filled his students’ woodwinds with semen.
But now the kids are scoring some payback, tormenting their instructors with ever-changing demands to be called different pronouns, and reporting them to administrators when they fail the they/them/zhir/zhem test.

Usually, the teachers cater to their little gender chameleons, because the only thing teachers like more than scrambling kids’ minds on race is scrambling them on gender. But for one middle school teacher, Pamela Ricard of Fort Riley, Kansas, the daily barrage of “call me ma’ams” during roll call became too much to bear.
Ricard, a devout Christian who doesn’t believe that kids can switch sex via willpower (i.e., she’s rational), decided to stop using gender pronouns at all after being ordered by her superiors to never call a sir a ma’am or a zur a zam or a flim a flam.
But a student complained, demanding that Ricard be forced to (in menacingly intoned Walter White voice) “say my name.”
Hey, it’s not like Ricard’s a missionary being boiled alive by cannibals. They’ll let her out of the pot as long as she surrenders her convictions.
But Ricard’s not bending; she’s hired a lawyer, claiming that the school is forcing her to adopt an unwanted belief system, thus violating her First Amendment rights.
Admins have suspended and reprimanded her, because if there’s one location where notions of “conscience” and “rights” have no place, it’s American schools.
It’s easy to feel anger toward the kids, but to be fair, several years of oxygen deprivation from masks coupled with nutritionally questionable cookies and cupcakes couldn’t have been good for their brain development.
SMOTHER AND CHILD
Sticking with a theme, last week officials with the California Department of Social Services raided three San Diego preschools to grill the toddlers on their mask habits and whether or not their school was keeping them properly smothered.
The tykes were separated and interrogated solitarily with no parent or guardian present.
No way that was a terrorizing experience!
Following the grilling sessions (“Vee haff vays off making you talk. Grape juice, perhaps?”), the heroes of the California Department of Scaring the Living Crap Out of Babies cited the investigated schools for improperly allowing children to breathe too much (Covid kids will surely eventually come to be known as “Generation RainMan”).
Also, based on the kids’ testimony, one school was cited for having a Frankenstein in the closet and another for “totally letting Logan use the crayons but Logan promised he’d share the crayons but he didn’t share the crayons and I didn’t get to play with the crayons but Logan did and it’s no fair because I like the crayons too especially green.”

To close the week by bringing things full circle, it should be noted that the last time Southern California child-services stormtroopers raided schools and interviewed small children with no guardians present, the state got the McMartin Trial, the defining 1980s example of moral panic and false testimony.
And the exact same institute that launched that witch hunt by berating and intimidating kids into saying they were molested, Children’s Institute Inc. (CII), is today one of the main suppliers to SoCal schools of—guess what—masks! On its website, CII brags about flooding schools with “18,440 face masks, 47,184 ounces of hand sanitizer, 192,600 individual disinfecting wipes, 58,900 rubber gloves, and 5,110 face shields.”
Apparently, terrorizing children is like eating potato chips; once you start, it’s really hard to stop.

[Anti Federalist]

The Week That Perished

https://www.takimag.com/article/the-...-perished-183/

March 27, 2022

The Week’s Most Shaking, Baking, and Spring-Breaking Headlines

STAR TREK: THE NEXT DEFECATION

Sci-fi has a long history of calling things wrong. Blade Runner predicted a 2019 L.A. with no Mexicans except Edward James Olmos. Back to the Future Part II predicted hoverboards in 2015. And 2001: A Space Odyssey envisioned that year as being all about white guys piloting spaceships rather than Muslims piloting hijacked planes.

But one thing sci-fi got right was America having a black president. From 1997’s Fifth Element to 1998’s Deep Impact and 2006’s Idiocracy, sci-fi saw it coming.

So why stop at president?

An October 1986 episode of the Twilight Zone reboot penned by Game of Thrones scribe George R.R. Martin depicted a black college bimbo who’s informed by time travelers that one day she’ll be “president of Earth” (see the episode here. The roommate is played by model-actress Cindy Harrell, the girl from the Ghostbusters music video. After this episode, Harrell fled the business, marrying a wealthy Jewish philanthropist so she’d never have to act again. Among shiksa model-actresses this is known as a “Goldenberg parachute”).

So even back in 1986, prominent sci-fi authors were predicting a black female “president of Earth.”

Last week the Paramount+ TV series Star Trek: Discovery cast Stacey Abrams as the future “president of Earth.” Yes, that Stacey Abrams, the one who’s had this conversation about a thousand times:

“Ms. Abrams, your printer must’ve run out of ink. Your résumé is just your name and race, but no jobs or accomplishments.”

“Naw, it printed correct.”

Star Trek: Discovery is set in the year 2255, and even then Abrams is still claiming to be governor of Georgia. But while conservatives have balked at the show’s fawning, there might be accuracy to the portrayal. Should there ever be a “president of Earth,” it would almost certainly be an empty vessel rendered untouchable by race and gender. It’s highly doubtful anyone with substance and principles could get the support of all earthly nations.

Congrats, sci-fi. This one seems on-the-nose.

LENTILMEN PREFER BLONDES

Blonde “economist” Teresa Ghilarducci knows all about poverty. Not from ever having experienced it, of course. But she saw it once on TV.

Ghilarducci, of the leftist Economic Policy Institute (founded by Robert Reich as a shell company to siphon money from the Lollipop Guild pension fund), is personally bankrolled by the Alfred Sloan Foundation, the U.S. Department of Labor, the Ford Foundation, and the Rockefeller Foundation.

So of course Bloomberg News chose her to write a guidebook to help ordinary Americans cope during a time of out-of-control inflation.

Her primer was initially comprised of just one sentence: “Like errmahgerd, if you need money just get funded by the Alfred Sloan Foundation, the U.S. Department of Labor, the Ford Foundation, and the Rockefeller Foundation.”

But Michael Bloomberg asked her to flesh it out a bit, so she reworked the piece, adding a few practical tips to help the peons survive the Biden bust: Take the bus and eat lentils.

And there you have it, Mr. and Mrs. America. Your financial problems are over. “Now may be the time to sell your car,” John Retard Keynes told her readers, “it’s worth reconsidering public transportation.”

And since you’ll need energy to keep doing your filthy poor-person jobs, forget meat—that’s for the elites. Your future is beans and lentils:

Tasty meat substitutes include vegetables (where prices are up a little over 4%, or lentils and beans, which are up about 9%). Plan to cut out the middle creature and consume plants directly. It’s a more efficient, healthier and cheaper way to get calories.

Consume plants directly, worker drones. And stay efficient on sustenance-level caloric intake.

So spoke Teresa Ghilarducci as she ate caviar from Mike Bloomberg’s naked ass as his yacht spirited them to his private island, far away from the filthy commoners who are only poor because they won’t eat their veggies.

KORNERED BY KAMALA

Kamala Harris is that person who corners you at a party. You try to get away, you try to make an excuse: “I need to use the restroom” or “I’m gonna go get a refill.” But your words don’t register. She just keeps talking.

And she won’t stop laughing at her own “jokes.” Worse, she leans in after every “funny” quip, insisting that you laugh along.

“I mean, right? Ha-hah…ah-ha-hah? Right? Uh-huh? Ha-ha-ha-haaaaah?”

The first rule of comedy is that if you have to prod someone to laugh, your joke flopped.

And the first rule of public speaking is that you have to do more than string random words together.

Last week Harris was in Louisiana promoting high-speed internet, something even an AT&T Punjabi peasant working in a phone bank for a dollar a day can effectively do. And yet she still managed to screw it up. Peppering her remarks with her trademark “Right? Right?” the vapid veep explained:

The significance of the passage of time, right? The significance of the passage of time. So when you think about it, there is great significance to the passage of time. And there is such great significance to the passage of time when we think about a day in the life of our children and what that means to the future of our nation.

Yes, America has as its VP the only Indian who couldn’t pull off a Windows phone scam.

“Hello, sir, I’m from Microsoft security and I’m calling to discuss with you the passage of time, right? Time is significant and it passes. Right? Right?”

A billion Indians, and we got Hamstrunga Din.

TRAN-AND-CHEESE SANDWICH

Alabama’s favorite black tranny Quentin Bell looks like Nell Carter if Nell Carter had been 500 times uglier. Gazing at Quentin Bell, now a man but born a woman, one is compelled to accept the appropriateness of his transition. Because trying to imagine this freak show as a female is frightening.

According to the Houston Chronicle, Bell is the Martin Luther King of trans men. He travels his state battling bills that dare to declare that women exist.

And when Bell lectures legislators about tranny acceptance, he uses what the Chronicle admiringly dubs his “sandwich analogy.” Bell quizzes the lawmakers on their favorite type of sandwich, and then he explains that a sandwich can be anything: “Sandwich,” like gender, is a social construct. He uses the example of a peanut butter sandwich. It’s not bound by bigoted definitions. It could be whatever you want to call it.

Absolutely brilliant.

Except…

If someone has a peanut allergy and you serve them a peanut butter sandwich, they might get seriously ill, no matter what you call the sandwich. Ditto if someone has a shellfish allergy and you serve them a seafood salad sandwich. You can call it a Philly cheesesteak, but that crab’s still gonna be deadly.

Sandwich “deadnames” matter.

Last year a female patient at a British hospital was raped, but the hospital denied the crime because only “women” were present in the “single-sex ward.” For an entire year, the hospital gaslighted the victim and stymied the police investigation. “All our patients in this ward are Philly cheesesteaks. It’s not possible that someone was violently penetrated by a peanut butter sandwich.”

Last week the hospital finally admitted that yes, one of the patients in the ward was a tranny with a penis, and yes, he raped the woman.

In a restaurant, if you order a Philly cheesesteak and you get a peanut butter sandwich, you can send it back. In real life, if you’re admitted to a female-only hospital ward and you get raped by a dude, you just gotta swallow it and pay the bill.

Quentin “Martin Luther Dong” Bell’s sandwich analogy might not be as helpful as he thinks.

SPRING BREAK-DANCERS

Speaking of Martin Luther King, who can forget his impassioned speech about how the only way that America can finally achieve true racial equality is if black kids get to go to Miami for spring break and shoot up the town with impunity?

Okay, MLK may never have delivered such a speech. But try telling that to the young justice warriors in Miami right now protesting a curfew imposed by the city because “black spring breakers” won’t stop shooting each other.

“Freedom Summer”? Meet “Bleed’em Spring.”

Last week, Miami city leaders imposed the curfew after a wave of violence by revelers who were merely celebrating Biden’s historic nomination of a black woman for SCOTUS.

Pierre Rutledge, chair of the Miami-Dade Black Advisory Board, told the Miami Herald that the curfew is just as bad—maybe worse—than the segregationist oppressions of early-1930s Florida. Rutledge told the Herald that in 1936 his grandma had to carry an ID card just to walk along the beach. And today, young black men are being prevented by a racist curfew from murdering each other on that same beach.

“If you don’t know your history, you’re destined to repeat it,” Rutledge wept. “And it looks like that’s where we’re headed.”

There’s no difference between 1930s race-based ID cards and a present-day non-race-based curfew enacted to stop an epidemic of blacks shooting blacks.

Apparently, Rutledge is also chair of the Miami-Dade Drooling Idiots Advisory Board.

One black spring breaker told the Herald that just because her friends were shooting each other doesn’t mean they should be hit with a curfew.

“The curfew makes it seem like we’re the problem.”

Indeed, how very ridiculous to blame violence by black spring breakers on black spring breakers.

Especially when the real culprit is probably Putin.

Laugh if you will; that’ll likely be MSNBC’s headline tomorrow.

[Swordsmyth]

https://www.takimag.com/article/the-...-perished-184/

The Week’s Most Grueling, Drooling, and April-Fooling Headlines
SLAPPY BLACK
Once again, an onstage disaster has overshadowed the Best Picture win of a woke film. In 2017, the Warren Beatty/Faye Dunaway envelope mix-up upstaged the win by the black-African-immigrant-gay-tranny-Hispanic-pedo film Moonlight (a movie that never had a script, just a series of checked boxes). And this year, the “historical” win of “Look at us, we’re deaf!” movie CODA was ignored because everyone was talking about the Will Smith/Chris Rock slap (on the bright side, the cast of CODA couldn’t hear what people were chatting about anyway).
The Hitch-slap sparked debate on the left, ranging from “Hooray, a black man standing up for his woman!” to “Racism caused Smith to assault Rock” to “Racism is why people are criticizing Smith for assaulting Rock.”
Finally, leftists settled on “White folks just need to shut up.”
The inevitable end-point of all leftist debates.

On the right, a bunch of amateur Zapruders studied the slap for clues as to whether it was staged (correction: A bunch of amateur Zapruders decided it was staged and then projected their confirmation bias on the footage). “Rock kept smiling after the blow” (because we all know that any man sucker punched in front of millions of people will simply crumble to the floor crying, “Oweee oweee I need my mommy!” Ego and adrenaline are Deep State myths). “The slap was orchestrated for ratings” (even though the moment was bleeped for U.S. audiences and only viewable on YouTube and Twitter).
Perhaps the best argument against the incident being staged is that Rock had no decent comeback. In 1974, the Academy was tipped off that a streaker might crash the event, so host David Niven was pre-equipped with a witty rejoinder. Niven’s “off-the-cuff” comment went down in Oscar history.
So, with Smith and Rock we have an A-lister destroying his brand on the night of his first Oscar win and a comedian stammering with no comeback.
Paging Oliver Stone! This was definitely a false flag.
PH.D IS A PH.DUNCE
The worst-of-all-takes on the Smith/Rock incident came from self-promoting, self-appointed “spokesman for blacks” Dr. Jason Johnson (a “Dr. Jill Biden” type with a nonmedical Ph.D and an inferiority complex that compels him to demand to be called “doctor”).


Doc Johnson, a regular commentator on (of course) MSNBC and (of course) CNN, took to Twitter to declare that if a white man had told the “Jada so bald men tryna use her head to pick up a spare” joke, the Academy would’ve unleashed a strike force to tackle Will Smith before he could reach his target:

No way Will Smith does that to a white comedian. A Bill Burr or Ricky Gervais. He wouldn’t have even been able to reach the stage. He definitely would’ve been asked to leave afterwards. And both of those comedians would be just as likely to make that joke.

When it comes to BS “doctors,” Jason Johnson is the best of ’em. He can’t cure disease or stitch a wound, but man, can he prove why degrees in political science are only of worth if you use them to light a cigar.
The idea that if a white comedian had told the “Jada so bald gypsies read her head” joke, and if Smith had stepped up on stage as he did, the Academy would’ve unleashed some hidden Seal Team Six to tackle him, is so stupid, it could literally only come from an MSNBC guy with a worthless degree. The notion that the telecast’s producer had a red panic button to push in case a white person needed help is pure paranoid schizophrenia.
This guy literally believes that the producer said, “We’ll let Smith stay because he only hit a black man.”
Oh wait—the show’s producer was black and he employed an all-black production team. So the decision to not deploy the Green Berets, and to let Smith stay after the assault, was made by blacks.

It’s hard to say whether “Sawbones Johnson” is mentally ill or just incurably stupid. But either way, he’s earned his position at CNN and MSNBC, where paranoid schizophrenia and/or mental retardation are job requirements.
AFFIRMATIVE ACTION ISN’T SENDING ITS BEST
And on the topic of that “all-black Oscars production team”…
It might not have been the best idea to choose the staff via color chart instead of knowledge and experience.
“Incidental music cues” have always been the most annoying way talentless filmmakers club an audience over the head with the obvious. Like when a Chinese character enters the room and the soundtrack plays “tingle-tingle-tingle-ting-ting-ting, GONG!”
Experienced TV producers would avoid such things.
But this year’s Oscars didn’t go by experience, just color.
2022 Oscars so black, Angelina Jolie tried to adopt it. 2022 Oscars so black, the sets were bought on layaway. 2022 Oscars so black, it was sponsored by Newport menthols. 2022 Oscars so black, CPS seized the budget for unpaid child support.
And wow, did that all-black staff go wild with the ethnic/racial incidental music cues.
When Ugandan-born actor Daniel Kaluuya walked on stage to present an award, the producers played Toto’s “Africa” as the music cue.
As Toto are an L.A. band with zero connection to Africa (and no founding black members), one can assume this idiotic error occurred because one of the affirmative-actioned cancer-curers googled “Africa music” and downloaded the first thing that came up.
Later, when Colombian/Bolivian actress Stephanie Beatriz took the stage, the producers played Madonna’s “La Isla Bonita,” which is as authentically South/Central American as a Del Taco Crunchtada.
“Alexa, play somethin’ Spanish, yo.”
While covering the outrage surrounding these gaffes, The Hollywood Reporter was forced to admit that no white decision-makers were involved.
Too bad this wasn’t the year Parasite won; it would’ve been nice to hear that Charlie Chan theme music.
JUDGE FRUITY
It wasn’t just the Academy Awards that checked all the right boxes regarding hiring practices last week. Elsewhere in the formerly great state of California, unrestrained madman Gavin Newsom chose a walking disaster in a dress as the first openly transgender Superior Court appointee in the state’s history.
If you took Paul Shaffer and threw a wig on him, he’d still look better than Andi Mudryk, Newsom’s new tranny judge. Judge Trainryk welcomed the news of “her” installation with a speech in which “she” put the people of the state on notice that “she” checks so many victimhood boxes, resistance to the appointment is futile.
Judge Schmendryk told the L.A. Times that zhe’s “a transgender woman, a person with a significant disability, the parent of an adult Black man, and the descendant of Jewish Holocaust survivors.”
Cut to Mudryk’s parents looking at each other and saying, “Oy, we survived for this?”
The Times doesn’t explain what the “parent of an adult Black man” thing means (if you have a black son, you have a black son, whether he’s a minor or an adult). Some questions are best left unanswered; it’s likely the “adult Black son” mess involves grown men in diapers and Pulp Fiction S&M “gimp” outfits.
Good luck to anyone without victimhood cred who appears before Judge Cut-Off-My-Pudryk. No doubt the judge will show little compassion toward parents whose children are being forcibly “transitioned” at their school.
Governor Gruesome is currently scanning the roster of lower-court judges for his next appointee.
Word has it that in Bakersfield there’s a traffic court judge who identifies as a “transgender Afro-Cuban dwarf with Lyme disease and long Covid who has a 100-year-old Cambodian son who survived Pol Pot because he’s part hyena and also invisible.”
California’s next state Supreme Court chief justice!
THE MOLDIN’ STATE
And since we’re in California, why leave just yet? Such geographic beauty. Majestic mountains, stunning beaches, snowy slopes, starry deserts, and a rich history of supporting the Confederacy and growing cotton on slave plantations.
Wait, uh, that last one doesn’t seem accurate. But before you consult a history book to determine if Jefferson Davis ran his renegade republic from Malibu (“Ah do declare, Madam Streisand, that your new guesthouse has blocked mah ocean view. You have offended mah honor”), know that to the California legislature, whether or not the state ever had slavery is irrelevant.
Cali is paying off blacks for something Cali never did.
Last week, the “blue ribbon panel” convened by Governor Newsom to determine the scope of California’s slavery reparations scheme released its first report (the report took longer than expected after Bubba Wallace mistook the blue ribbon for a noose and 300 FBI agents descended upon Sacramento to investigate).
Funny enough, the asylum of anencephalic vegetables on the panel were locked in a bitter dispute over who should get the gubmint cash. One group favored blacks who can trace their lineage to slavery. The other favored any person who identifies as even partially “black.”
For those who enjoy reading between the lines, the latter group was comprised of Democrats who realize that with blacks now making up barely 5% of the state, the cash giveaway is meaningless, vote-wise, if it can’t be extended to Hispanics.
“Si, señor, mi nombre es Kunta Gonzales. You need drywall, massa? I do drywall.”

Sadly, by a 5-to-4 vote, the panel decided that only slavery descendants will get the dough, because in the words of every black on the panel, “ain’t no beaner gettin’ my bread.”
So, the group that votes 100% Democrat no matter what will now get millions of taxpayer dollars from Democrats.
Kinda makes the entire venture meaningless.
Still, for those who seek to heal the wounds of California’s nonexistent Confederate history, finally, some closure.

[Anti Federalist]

The Week That Perished

https://www.takimag.com/article/the-...-perished-185/

Takimag

April 10, 2022

The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Calming, Psalming, and Sunday-Palming Headlines

THE BIG APPLE’S GENDERLESS WORMS

NYC mayor Eric Adams has a hard life. Like getting court orders to smother toddlers with unnecessary masks, and then partying maskless with boozing billionaire “actress” Cara Delevingne (a descendant of British-Jewish aristocracy whose permanent expression of contempt for humankind has redefined “resting bitch face” as “resting Soros face”).

Another difficulty faced by hizzoner is that the city’s out-of-control crime wave has caused an exodus of taxpayers. So Adams is using leftist outrage over Governor DeSantis’ grade K–3 anti-sexual-propagandizing law (which liberals have fraudulently dubbed “don’t say gay”) to lure well-to-do gay Floridians to his rotting city.

Last week, still hungover from the Delevingne event (especially the part where she challenged him to a “kick the peons in the teeth” contest), Adams unveiled a series of digital billboards around the city bragging that in NYC, you can “say anything.”

“GAY GAY GAY! Come to the city where you can say whatever you want,” read one of the billboards.

Unfortunately, even if NYC residents can say whatever they want, most of the time, they end up saying the exact same things:

“Take my wallet, just don’t kill me.”
“Please stop beating me!”
“You’re stabbing me! Why? Why?”
“Help, I’ve been shot.”

But in fact, NYC is not a place where you can “say anything.” You can say “gay,” but you can’t say “mother.” At the exact same time Adams was unveiling the billboards, the city’s Department of Health chief medical officer, Dr. Michelle Morse, apologized for referring to women who give birth as “mothers” when she should’ve said “birthing people.” She promised to never again “gender” birthing people by using such a filthy word.

Yep, surely tons of Floridians are gonna trade their beautiful and sane state to go live in a lunatic asylum.

And to those who do? Good riddance!

NATIONAL “PUNCH A WOMAN IN THE THROAT” DAY OF VISIBILITY

Finally, the world has proof: Reincarnation is real.

Look at this photo of old-timey funnyman Arnold Stang.

Now look at this photo of tranny “rapper” Faye Fadem.

It’s Stang, reincarnated as a mentally troubled dude in a wig.

Mind you, certain things get lost as the soul is reborn. For example, Stang was funny on purpose.

Fadem made headlines last week after “it” released a rap calling for the murder of author J.K. Rowling for blasphemy (Rowling adheres to the heretical belief that women exist). The musical monstrosity also spoke of “killing TERFs” (“trans-exclusive radical feminists,” a.k.a. women who believe in biology).

To no one’s surprise, Twitter refused to ban Fadem’s video. Whereas a rightist can get banned for any flimsy reason, a leftist can literally say, “I’m gonna kill those with whom I disagree,” and Parag Agrawal dons his Frank Zappa mask and gives a speech about the value of free expression.

This time, Agrawal’s charade failed. After Fadem’s threats hit the press, Twitter abruptly removed the video. But it allowed Fadem to retain this gem: “I put out a new music video today for anyone who has ever thought about punching a TERF in the throat.”

Remember that TERFs by definition are biological women. So Twitter will ban you if you say “biological women exist,” but if you say, “Let’s punch biological women in the throat,” not only will you not get banned, your tweet won’t be removed.

On Twitter you can only acknowledge the existence of biological women if you say they should be beaten.

Agrawal should take off the Zappa mask and put on the Chris Brown one.

Arnold Stang woulda never punched a woman; he was a lovable little nebbish.

Apparently, reincarnation works like an old Xerox machine: Each new copy degrades in quality.

THIS WEEK IN HATE HOAXES

With a new incident almost every week, hate hoaxes are fast becoming America’s largest employer. College students struggling with debt merely have to write “******” on a bathroom wall, and voilà, that GoFundMe pays off their bills. College admins and professors, no longer teaching anything that matters in the real world, get paid to hold “racial healing seminars.” And the FBI, which long ago lost interest in catching murderers and solving real crimes, can justify its budget by dispatching hundreds of agents to interrogate a piece of string.

A few weeks ago at Our Lady of Mercy School for Young Women in Rochester, the following was found scrawled on a bathroom wall: “This school is filled with a bunch of *******. Get out or else!!”

So of course, there were BLM marches and promises from the administration to severely punish the culprit.

Until it turned out a student of color did it.

No surprise there.

The twist came when it was discovered that although the offending student is black, her family’s of Hispanic descent. Social justice orgs declared that therefore she can’t be black:

“NOT TRUE… she is HISPANIC… a Hispanic is NOT considered African American is no way!!!” tweeted one Rochester activist.

So no black person of Hispanic descent can ever be called American? Wow…that sounds kinda, what’s the word? Racist. Nativist, even.

Funny how the graffiti was fake racism but the response was real racism.

True to form, administrators thanked the hate-faker for “opening a discussion.” The school will now increase its diversity programs.

Only someone as ignorant as a modern-day American educator could fail to see the connection between the rewarding of hate hoaxes and the proliferation of hate hoaxes.

That said, it looks like such hoaxes are becoming not just America’s leading employer, but its newest export. Russian-Ukrainian Jewish oligarch Pavel Fuks was accused last week of paying teens to spray-paint swastikas all over Kyiv in a scheme to blame it on local “Nazis.”

Fuks says Putin made him do it.

But as Ukraine’s leading funder of Holocaust remembrance institutions, there might just be another reason for the hoax!

Paging Sarah Silverman: We finally found your sidewalk swastikas! And a Jew did ’em.

Oy!

UNNECESSARY PRE-SURGERY

It’s fitting that in England, the nation that gave us Life of Brian (a film in which one of the male characters obsesses over wanting to give birth), life is imitating comedy.

British doctors now view Life of Brian as an instructional.

Doctors in England must now ask any male patient scheduled for an X-ray or MRI if he’s pregnant.

“Operating theater” used to mean the room where the surgery takes place. Now it’s an actual theater where doctors playact fictional scenarios.

Doctors are wasting their patients’ time with idiotic questions to please the tranny lobby, which ruthlessly enforces the doctrine that “men can get pregnant.” And doctors have to play along, because every time a British doctor doesn’t properly recite his lines, a hundred tranny children commit suicide Heaven’s Gate-style.

Funny enough, the male Heaven’s Gate cultists cut off their nads before committing mass suicide. But oddly, we still refer to them as men. Because even a castrated man is still a male.

But hey, that’s just biology. Don’t expect doctors to care about that!

The “ask men if they’re pregnant” policy has been endorsed by the British Society of Radiographers. Which suggests that British radiographers might have serious radiation-poisoning-induced brain damage.

No word on whether British doctors are also going to have to do the “cough and drop” hernia test on their female patients. Hell, why not go the full Monty Python and force all female patients to have a prostate exam?

That might just create an entire nation of TERFs.

Trannies, be careful what you wish for.

BOSS IS COMIN’—LOOK BUSY!

Well, it’s finally happened. After decades of hearing black thugs protest to police that they “dindu nuthin’,” for once, it turns out that some of them are telling the truth. Unfortunately for the people who donated money to BLM in the belief that it would go to “activism,” what the leaders of BLM “dindu nuthin’” with was all that cash.

They just pocketed it.

Oh, and they bought a $6,000,000 California mansion!

This is separate from all those other multimillion-dollar houses BLM cofounder Patrisse Cullors bought for herself last year. This is a mansion for all BLM leaders to use as a resort. A getaway from the ghetto; a home away from homies. According to a damning piece in New York magazine last week, BLM leaders did everything they could to hide the house from their donors.

What finally gave away the game?

Three BLM bimbos—Cullors, Alicia Garza, and Melina Abdullah—shot a video of themselves sharing drinks and toasting their success in front of the house!

It’s the Achilles’ heel of every black thief: They get away with the dough, but then they just have to post photos online where they pose with the loot.

NY mag came into possession of internal BLM memos detailing how leaders were planning to deal with the exposé. Some memos suggested trying to “kill” the story. Others recommended “deflating” it. Some argued that the mansion should be presented as a “safe house” to protect BLM leaders from the KKK. But since most people hiding in safe houses don’t post videos of it online, it was finally decided that the official story will be that the mansion was purchased “to serve as housing and studio space for recipients of the Black Joy Creators Fellowship.”

And the day after the NY mag story dropped, BLM tweeted “We are bringing Black Joy, Black Art, and Black Voices to the top of your newsfeed with our new Fellowship and Creator House.”

Total coincidence. They wuz gonna do that anyway.

Honest, officer…we did-du sumthin’.

[Anti Federalist]

The Week That Perished

https://www.takimag.com/article/the-...-perished-186/

Takimag

April 17, 2022

The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Shining, Pining, and Passover-Wining Headlines

GIVING UP DECENCY FOR LENT

Lent used to be about resisting evil. Now one church is making it about giving in.

After all, what better way to show devotion to God than by rejecting a large segment of His creation? According to a Chicago church, all humans are made in the image of God except whites.

It’s hard to say whether First United Church of Oak Park is an actual church, or if someone just scribbled the word “church” in front of an insane asylum for a tax break. This year, these Presbyterian psychos decided to give up white people for Lent.

For the record, First United is a predominantly white congregation. Because of course it is.

Last month, the church’s pastor, Rev. John Edgerton, made the announcement that anything “white” (himself and his congregants excluded) would be banned from church during Lent. Last week, someone outside the cult, sorry, “church,” noticed, and it made the press.

The pew-filled nuthouse’s website explains that the ban on “white” even extends to long-dead composers and sacred texts:

In our worship services throughout Lent, we will not be using any music or liturgy written or composed by white people. Our music will be drawn from the African American spirituals tradition, from South African freedom songs, from Native American traditions, and many more.

Wait, isn’t that “appropriation”? Don’t Africans and Indians usually balk at whitey stealing their “sacred traditions”? One wonders if the congregation performed those “sacred” songs in blackface or with feathered headdresses. And did Reverend Edgerton introduce the negro spirituals in the voice of a 1910 black vaudevillian?

“An’ now, here be da timeless spit’ual ‘In da Club’ by Deacon Fitty Cent.”

This Lent, it seems that God has given up the First United Church of Oak Park.

MAXINE WATERS RUNS SHALLOW

The first rule of throwing a successful “gibs me free” party is to actually have free stuff to gibs.

Otherwise, it’s like throwing a birthday party with no cake. But Congresswoman Maxine Waters, whose entire career has been one long audition for the title role in the gender-swapped reboot of Rain Man, sees no problem with disappointing her party guests. After all, they should be happy just to be there, basking in the glow of her wig’s Afro Sheen.

Last week the L.A. Times dared to publish a story about something that happened back in March, when hundreds of L.A.’s street dwellers flocked to South Central because Waters had promised free Section 8 housing vouchers to all who showed up.

And what a glorious procession of L.A.’s best and brightest it was! The drunks put down their Sterno and put on their Sunday best (the shirt with the nice vomit pattern), the druggies removed the needles from their arms and wiped the huffed paint from their faces, the layabouts stored their “starving and broke; please give” signs in their $500-a-month temperature-controlled taxpayer-funded storage units, and the schizos took the knives out of the pedestrians they were butchering, using the blades instead to carve “thank you Maxine” into their bare-naked chests.

And off they went to Gibstravaganza, marching joyfully down Florence Avenue. It was like the Rose Parade, if roses smelled like feces.

Unfortunately, when they reached their destination, ol’ Maxine had plum forgot to bring the vouchers. So the crowd turned nasty, surrounding Waters and berating her.

At which point she told the homeless people to “go home.”

“Congresswoman Waters, the studio called: You got the Rain Woman role!”

When the jetsam reminded Waters that they have no homes to go to, she laughed and cussed them out.

Worst gibs party ever.

Dejected, L.A.’s detritus slithered back into the sewers. Waters ordered the Times to hush up the incident, and because she’s a black Democrat, nobody screamed “fascist.”

Behold, the Teflon Tard.

COVID CLAPS BACK

Covid lockdowns sure made Americans crabby. And not just in the figurative sense.

According to the CDC, the CDC’s response to the Covid pandemic caused a meteoric rise in sexually transmitted diseases, which the CDC is now bitching about because how could the CDC have possibly known that idiotic CDC measures would have unforeseen ripple effects?

A CDC report released last week details how the agency’s policy of locking down Americans, closing businesses, mothballing workers, preventing participation in outdoor activities, and basically confining folks to their homes, combined with discontinuing “nonessential” medical services like STD screenings, combined with preventing people from seeking medical treatment for non-Covid-related maladies, combined with redirecting resources away from non-Covid diseases, combined with labs being instructed not to run tests on anything but Covid, combined with millions of Americans losing health care due to lockdown-related unemployment, has led to an American renaissance in STDs.

“In spring a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of penicillin.” And indeed, spring is in the air, but that odor ain’t flowers; it’s 2.4 million new cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis since the start of the pandemic.

Well done, CDC. Give yourself a hand (but please wash it first).

According to the CDC’s report, the STD epidemic is heavily centered on young gay men.

See what happens when you close the antique stores? When you cancel all the Cher and Streisand concerts? When you shutter the all-male choirs? An idle gay hand is the devil’s twerkshop.

The CDC is hoping that the STD uptick will lead to an increase in its annual budget, because surely throwing money at the agency that created the problem is the best possible solution.

Syphilis is known to cause insanity, so perhaps the CDC directors are the ones who need to get tested.

SEPARATE BUT SPREEQUAL

Mind you, while the CDC was ignoring the STD epidemic, it was leading a crusade against Covid “misinformation” online, partnering with sites like YouTube to take down “dangerous” videos.

“Dangerous” as in doctors who disagreed with CDC findings (and in most cases those doctors have been vindicated over time).

And just as the CDC’s lockdown crusade conveniently missed the concurrent rise in venereal diseases, its YouTube crusade missed some genuinely “dangerous” videos that flew under the radar, because everyone was so busy hunting for “disinformers” who believe in natural immunity that they ignored a genocidal lunatic who was openly plotting a massacre.

Frank James, the NYC subway spree-shooter, spent the entire pandemic making YouTube videos about the race war he planned to start (“I’m wantin’ to kill everything in sight,” he declared in one video). But because James is black, not once did those videos set off any of YouTube’s ban alert ban alert alarm bells.

Because at least James never spoke in support of natural immunity.

The BLM-obsessed self-described “rage-filled black nationalist” also posted “kill all whiteys” memes on Facebook, but Facebook was too busy removing posts about vax side effects to notice.

One of James’ favorite talking points was segregation. White people and black people, he claimed, “shouldn’t live in the same hemisphere.” James also referred to Asians as “slant-eyed $#@!ing pieces of $#@!,” and “Spanish-speaking motherfuckers” as “crimes against $#@!ing nature.”

But by all accounts he supported masking toddlers, so his social media presence was allowed to thrive.

Some conservatives are claiming that James’ views on whites and racism are no different from those spewed daily on MSNBC. But comparing Frank James to Joy Reid is unfair. One is a grotesque, hate-filled low-IQ mentally unstable misery-causing racist scumbag, and the other has yet to have his day in court.

Forty-eight hours after James’ attempted massacre, YouTube finally removed his channel.

He must’ve mentioned Ivermectin during his arraignment.

A GARDEN STATE TRANNY MIRACLE

It’s only April, but New Jersey is already celebrating a virgin birth. Two female inmates at the Edna Mahan Correctional Facility in Clinton have found themselves pregnant.

How could this be? Every inmate is a woman, and none had any interactions with outsiders or male guards or administrators.

Truly, the world has witnessed a miracle of biblical proportions!

Or…

Turns out last year the ACLU forced the prison to house male inmates who claim to be women even though they have penises and all the other male “equipment.” So now the prison of 800 actual women houses 27 dudes in wigs and a full set o’ junk. One of the tranny transfers, identified as “Sonia Doe,” not only won the right to knock up actual women in his cell, he also received a $125,000 settlement from the state for initially being refused a transfer to a women’s prison.

Edna Mahon Correctional Facility: where female inmates can find not just love but a well-heeled sugar daddy.

No word on why prison admins didn’t foresee that pregnancy would be the inevitable result of caging men with women. Then again, if you believe that a male can think himself into becoming female, is it that much of a stretch to believe he can also think away his ability to reproduce via ejaculation?

As for the ACLU, which apparently now considers it a “constitutional right” for men to be locked in cells with women they can sexually assault (hey, the Constitution’s a “living document”! If it contains the “right to free college and health care,” it surely contains the “right to be called ‘ma’am’”), the reaction to the Virgin Births has been euphoric, with ACLU legal director Jeanne LoCicero declaring that the only way to prevent “harassment on the basis of identity” is to allow sexual assault on the basis of biology.

The ACLU: from helping Nazis to traipse through Skokie, to helping trannies do rapes in the pokey.

[Anti Federalist]

The Week That Perished

https://www.takimag.com/article/the-...-perished-187/

Takimag

April 24, 2022

BLACK FACE IN BLACKFACE

For the professional blackface hunter, that dogged activist who ferrets out and cancels anyone who dares to wear blackface, times are lean. Average whites just don’t black up anymore, and the remaining blackface practitioners (Jimmy Kimmel, Ralph Northam, Howard Stern, Sarah Silverman, Justin Trudeau) are a “protected species.”

Frustrating indeed.

But maybe not anymore. Jill Lassen and Stuart Rhoden are paid “equity coordinators” (i.e., freeloaders) who work for the Scottsdale Unified School District. Their job consists solely of pointing at things and screaming “racist” (prior to their tenure that job was performed by a macaw, but it was fired for being overqualified). Last week, Rhoden (who looks like Beetlejuice the dwarf) and Lassen (who looks like the Howard sibling Moe, Curly, and Shemp considered too ugly for movies) made an amazing discovery: There are over 40 million Americans who wear blackface every day with impunity.

They’re called black people, and they must be stopped!

When the Phoenix PTA held a retro ’70s party for charity, the organizers hired a DJ to spin some tunes. True to the party’s theme, the DJ wore a novelty ’70s-era afro wig. And Rhoden and Lassen immediately swooped in to “cancel” the entire PTA, because their DJ was in “blackface.”

Because the DJ’s black.

When this was brought to the attention of the two equitards, Lassen apologized for criticizing a black man for wearing his own skin. But Rhoden doubled down, saying that blackface is blackface, and it matters not if it’s your actual color. He pledged to continue to fight against black faces, starting with his own, as he submerged his head in a vat of bleach.

Condolence cards can be sent c/o the Scottsdale USD.

A brave hunter, who realized that the most deadly prey of all was himself.

ARBEIT MACHT FLY

The folks who run easyJet aren’t flying on all engines. Last week the British airline launched an ad campaign that featured a customer who tattooed his first easyJet flight number on his wrist, Auschwitz-style.

“You never forget your first flight,” easyJet captioned the photo.

Remarkably, outrage ensued, with furious social media users pointing out that the combination of the tattoo and “never forget” (the official catchphrase of the Holocaust since 1971, replacing the old one, “Oy, This I Could’ve Done Without”) couldn’t possibly have been accidental.

Some critics noted that this isn’t the carrier’s first brush with distasteful Holocaust content: In 2009, easyJet’s in-flight magazine featured a Holocaust-themed fashion spread (“Uli just loves her Monowitz monokini, while Gisela’s rocking that strapless brastika”).

In response to the media führer, the campaign was pulled. Perhaps it would’ve been smarter for easyJet to go all-in on its Holocaust fetish. What better way to stand apart from other carriers, who foolishly don’t see the commercial viability in linking air travel with mass murder?

Some suggestions:

Outfit the bathrooms with not just smoke detectors but Zyklon detectors as well.

Offer free preflight head-shaving.

Complementary yellow badges will make every passenger feel like a “star” (of David).

And perhaps best of all, make boarding an adventure by having a “selektion” ramp where passengers are either sent right (first class) or left (coach).

Flugbegleiter Höss: “Left, left, left, right, right, left, left…halten sie! You may take only one of your children to first class. Zee ozzer must go to coach.”

Sophie: “No, please! I beg you! Don’t make me choose!”

Höss: “You vill choose, or both vill go to zee sektion mit no TV, headphones, or schnacks.”

Sophie: “You monster! Have you no mercy?”

Höss: “Perhaps you should haff taken zee train, schweinehund.”

EasyJet: the final solution to your air-travel needs.

TRANS LIVES MATTERHORN

Nobody does hard-edged investigative reporting better than The Washington Post! Nobody, except literally everybody on earth. The Post decided last week to prove that conservative backlash to Disney’s woke activism (which includes opposition to Florida’s K–3 sexual propagandizing prohibition) hasn’t harmed Disney attendance.

The Post contacted thirteen travel agents who specialize in Disney trips, inquiring whether they’d seen a slowdown of bookings.

Eleven of those agents responded that they were too frightened to comment because the issue was “politically radioactive.” Of the two who did respond (one of whom is gay), they were both like, “Disney rules! Conservatives suck! And I say this of free will and sound mind.”

So the Post concluded, “Case closed: Disney traffic suffers not!”

Now, that was some fine reportage. One can imagine the Post conducting an in-depth investigation in 1928 regarding reports that the Chicago Mafia was shaking down businesses.

“We reached out to thirteen South Side business owners. Eleven responded by weeping uncontrollably for us to stop asking questions or they’ll be killed. Of the two who replied, one stated, ‘There is no Mafia. I am well, and if my business burns down it’ll be a gas leak.’ And the other, legitimate businessman Frankie “Disemboweler” Tagliotti, replied, ‘M’yeah, see, we’re doin’ fine, see? Ain’t no Mafia here, see? Now scram.’ We therefore declare the South Side free of Mob activity!”

When asked why the Disney “investigation” didn’t mention the company’s stock tanking last week, WaPo editor Sally “Simple Sal” Buzbee pretended to be a Mexican laborer who speaks no English. “No hablo, señor. Me do drywall. You need drywall?”

With the WaPo having “proven” that Disney is surviving conservative backlash, leftists are encouraging the company to relocate to bluer areas. Colorado governor Jared Polis tweeted that Disney World should move to his state, where, weather allowing, it can remain open five whole months a year! And writer/activist/yenta Amy Siskind recommended moving the park to NYC. When her followers reminded her that Disney World occupies a landmass larger than Manhattan, Siskind donned a sombrero and said, “I mow lawn, señor. You need mow?”

PRONOUN AND CON-NOUN

Occasionally, the news of the week is positive. Such was the case with the latest skirmish in The Great Call Me Ma’am War of 2022.

The “Battle of Therma’ampylae” started when the lobotomized bonobos who run Shawnee State demanded that all professors who teach at the Ohio university refer to their students by whatever pronouns the junior bonobos demand. Philosophy professor Nick Meriwether balked. As a Christian, he told university admins that the notion of men thinking themselves into becoming women goes against his deeply held beliefs.

The situation escalated several days later when Meriwether referred to a male student as “sir.”

“CALL ME MA’AM!” the dude shot back. Meriwether politely refused, so after class the truculent tranny confronted him in a threatening manner, calling him “$#@!” while circling like a shark in lipstick. Meriwether suggested a reasonable compromise: From now on he’d refer to the student by name, bypassing pronouns entirely. That only made the wig-wearing wacko angrier. He went to the dean’s office and shrieked about how “Professor Hitler” had “misgendered” him.

The university agreed, and Meriwether was disciplined.

But he didn’t take it lying down; Meriwether filed suit. And the 6th Circuit Court ruled in his favor, likening the university’s pronoun policy to “forcing a Soviet émigré to address his students as ‘comrades.’”

“If professors lack free speech protections when teaching, a university would wield alarming power to compel ideological conformity,” the court declared.

So last week Shawnee State paid Meriwether $400,000 in compensation for trying to make him act against his beliefs.

That tranny student was one hell of an expensive “ma’am.”

Then again, war is always costly. And as the Battle of Transfalgar concluded with a win for the good guys, hopefully a message has been sent to other colleges to avoid such skirmishes.

FOREVER AGAIN

Everybody needs a hobby, be it stamp collecting or building model ships. For Jon Minadeo, it’s getting headlines as a hatemonger because the Jews you can’t quit can’t quit you, either.

Minadeo, who looks and dresses like the kind of bottom-tier amateur stuntman who’d be in the biker-bar scene of a super low-budget Don “The Dragon” Wilson direct-to-video flop (the preceding eleven words comprised a very redundant descriptor), has made a cottage industry out of traveling the country leaving anti-Jewish pamphlets at the doors of homeowners in Jewish neighborhoods.

Minadeo practically defines the term “insignificant loser,” but Jewish orgs are determined to give “biker guy who gets punched by Steven Seagal” a significance way beyond his merits.

Last December, The Week That Perished detailed the over-the-top response by Jewish activists and pandering politicians to Minadeo’s activities in Beverly Hills and the Bay Area. Earlier this year, the fearmongering frequent flyer flier-flinger repeated his pamphleteering aktion in Sarasota, prompting local kvetch artist Lesley Abravanel to condemn Governor DeSantis for not giving Minadeo statewide publicity by denouncing his shenanigans (it’s hard to blame Abravanel for her stupidity or her anti-Nazi vendetta: She was the recipient of a Mengele brain-removal experiment in Brazil in the 1970s).

Last week, Minadeo struck again in Beverly Hills, leaving anti-Jewish fliers outside the city’s many mansions, where they were picked up by puzzled Mexican gardeners (“Que es ‘Holohoax’?”).

And again, the Jewish press made a superstar of Minadeo.

A few months ago, one of Minadeo’s followers posted, “Thanks, Jews, for the publicity,” in response to the Pavlovian reaction every time Minadeo blankets a block.

With Jewish orgs making a celebrity out of a two-bit loser, as black activists thank hate-hoaxers for “starting a conversation about race,” it’s hard to believe that these “anti-racists” don’t understand that their actions encourage more racism.

It’s almost like the activists and orgs want more racism…like they need it to justify their existence.

[Swordsmyth]

https://www.takimag.com/article/the-...-perished-188/

The Week’s Most Husking, Busking, and Elon Musking Headlines
BANNED, ON THE RUN
The danger in being a merciless tyrant is that if your regime is toppled, those to whom you showed no mercy will repay the unkindness a thousandfold once they’re the ones in power.
This must’ve been the main thing on the mind of Heinrich Himmler, who spent the first weeks after VE Day masquerading as a lowly one-eyed private named Hitzinger. Himmler’s jibber-jabber about SS “honor” was long forgotten by the very man who codified it. He hid like a coward and ran like a rat, knowing full well what vengeful treatment would be in store were he to be captured.
Surely at some point during his time on the lam, Himmler must’ve thought, “Y’know, maybe we shoulda listened to those guys who said, ‘Don’t declare war on America.’”
And maybe Twitter shouldn’t have mocked Elon Musk when he first mused about buying the platform.

Daring the world’s wealthiest and most brazenly trollish entrepreneur to “go for it” proved a fatal act of hubris.
And now, the Twitter wokestapo is on the run, a thousand Hitzingers fleeing from “payback tweets” now that rightist accounts are roaring back along with an unmuted desire for retribution after years of being silenced, restricted, banned, and doxxed.
Even Biden, the man they helped install as president, can’t save the Twitter Hitzingers now.
As reported in the Daily Mail, Twitter employees, especially those who wielded the all-mighty ban hammer, are in a panic. They fear being fired, and they fear repercussions from those they banned.
The Mail reports scenes of wailing, weeping, and screaming by the now-disempowered thought police. Many are even taking the ultimate way out—the figurative cyanide capsule—by deleting their accounts. As the Mail wryly notes, some of these overdramatic losers are leaving behind “last tweets” as their epitaph.
Like anyone cares.

The only thing predictable about history is irony. Woke Twitter tried to erase conservatives, science, and women, only to be erased itself.
R.I.P., Twitzinger.
GOOGLE KEEPS US LUCIFUGAL
Of course, even if Musk succeeds in purging Twitter of wokeness, there are other influential platforms peddling the same poison.
“Lucifugal” means avoiding light. Lucifugous creatures are denizens of darkness. And Google has for quite some time dedicated itself to keeping its users in the dark, by skewing search results to bury facts and opinions that are inconvenient to leftists, by depressing search results for conservative sites, and even by automatically sending conservative emails to the spam folder in Gmail.
But now, in its most Luciferian lucifugalism yet, Google has launched an “inclusive language” function that will berate users who search for words that a few Ivy League inbreds consider “racist” or “gender oppressive.”

For example, if you search for “policeman,” Google will rebuke you for not searching for “police officer.” Ditto “housewife,” which should be “stay-at-home spouse,” and “blacklist” instead of “deny list.”


Based on these new “improvements,” it’s very likely that by next year, you’ll be seeing Google searches like this:
[Typing] “Dentists in my neighborhood.”
Google reply: “Don’t you mean black dentists in your neighborhood?”
[Typing again] “Dentists in Los Angeles.”
Google: “Why are you evading the question? Don’t you trust black dentists?”
“I have no problem with black dentists, but I want to see all dentists in my area.”
Google: “Just not the black ones.”
“I never said that! I’m looking for any dentist; I have a toothache.”
Google: “What happened? Did a black man sock you in the jaw for being racist? Serves you right, KKKlancy.”

“Okay, okay. Black dentists in my neighborhood.”
Google: “Typical! Another white man looking to gentrify a black business. Stay in your lane, cross-burner.”
“Screw this; I’m going back to the Yellow Pages.”
Google: “Autocorrected to Chinese Pages.”
BEETHOVEN? MORE LIKE HATEHOVEN
Beethoven be racist. In fact, all opera be racist.
Of course, it ain’t black people saying that (the number of black opera fans is roughly equal to the number of black comedians named “Scoey”). No, it’s (of course) whites, once again charging in to eliminate nonexistent hate speech because they read Robin DiAngelo (the L. Ron Hubbard for impressionable, self-hating whites) and realized that they must become “clear” of racism.
The New York Metropolitan Museum of Art has taken a break from masking the faces on its paintings (in The Death of Socrates, the philosopher is commanding everyone to mask up!) to rewrite Beethoven. In the Met’s current presentation of the opera Fidelio, the borderline tards in charge of production have changed the story line and added dialogue to make the opera about BLM.

Beethoven’s original title of Fidelio was Leonore, oder der Triumph der Ehelichen Liebe. In English that’s Leonore, or The Triumph of Conjugal Love. The Met’s version is called Lemarcus, or The Triumph of Conjugal Visits.
And last week, the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra’s presentation of Beethoven’s Ninth saw the original vocals removed and replaced with a rap about BLM and transgenderism.
Those decisions were made by the orchestra’s musical director, Marin Alsop, a Jewish lesbian.
Ode to Joy? More like Ode to Oy!
The “woking” of opera is the wave of the future among musical directors who have a deep abiding hatred of their genre. Still, it’ll be fun to see what comes next.
Word has it the Detroit Opera is preparing a production of Rossini’s Barbershop of Seville:
This is the barbershop of Seville,
We’ll give you a fro, a fade, a frill.
We’ll give you cornrows or a dread,
And we’ll even shave your head.
Niggaro niggaro niggaro!
And it’ll be interesting to see what the Oakland Opera House does with Puccini’s Madame Big-Butt-erfly.
JIVEY LEAGUE
May 2023: All of Harvard stands frozen in anticipation. Admins, professors, and students gather in Memorial Hall, which has reached standing-room-only capacity. Those unable to get inside view the proceedings via closed-circuit TV.
The cafeterias stand empty. Who can eat at a time like this?
Today is the day the results of the university’s unprecedented $100 million research project into slavery will be revealed.
The project was launched in April 2022 following the release of the long-awaited 132-page Report of the Presidential Committee on Harvard and the Legacy of Slavery. The report, prepared by more than a dozen of the university’s top social justice activists (at least three of whom aren’t Ashkenazi Jews), was commissioned to establish Harvard’s complicity in America’s slave trade and, more important, to determine what actions the school must take to atone.
Regarding the first question, the report concluded that, from 1636 to 1783, seventy—yes, seventy—slaves were at one time owned by people who worked at Harvard.
Surely, the greatest crime in mankind’s history! To put that number in perspective, that’s more than one entire NFL team (but less than two, meaning that Harvard’s slaves wouldn’t have even been able to face off in regulation play).
An atrocity. So the Presidential Committee Report mandated that $100 million be set aside for the “study of slavery.”
And today, May 1, 2023, is the day of the unveiling of the results of that study.
A hush falls upon the crowd as Harvard president Lawrence Becow, an Ashkenazi Jew but that has nothing to do with anything, steps on stage, walking to the podium in the company of John Amos, who portrayed adult Kunta Kinte in Roots, LeVar Burton, who portrayed young Kunta, and Squakeisha Junkins of Atlanta, who tried to get a McFlurry that time but the machine be broke and that straight-up racist, y’all, ’cuz y’all know if she be white they be fixin’ that machine right now.
All eyes are on Becow as he opens a gold-colored folder.
“And now, on behalf of this university, I present the results of our $100 million study of slavery. I present this not just in the name of Harvard, but humanity itself.”
[Dramatic pause]
“Slavery is bad. Thank you and good day.”
And with that, the crowd files out of the auditorium into a better, wiser world.
NWA (NAZIS WITH ATTITUDE)
Just throw your hands in the air,
And heil like a Gauleiter!
All the sucka MCs beware,
Nobody spits like Adolf Hit-lerrrrr.
Third Reich in da house!
Austria has declared war on rappers, because apparently Austrians are very bored these days (what a far cry from the 1930s when Austrians were the life of the Party).
Last week, an Austrian rapper with the stage name “Mr. Bond” was hit with a rather hefty ten-year sentence for composing a rap that “glorified Nazi ideology.” “Bond’s” little brother got four years for running the rapper’s website.
Austria’s really onto something! The best way to stop oppressive fascism is to throw a guy in prison for a decade just for singing.

The harsh sentence has provoked outrage from music lovers the world over, not because they give a damn about the free-speech rights of neo-Nazis, but because how dare any European nation imprison rappers when Miker G and DJ Sven still walk free?

Seriously, THIS is a crime against humanity.
One of the reasons the Austrian Ministry of Lack of Irony Appreciation gave for the long sentence is that in 2019 an anti-Jewish gunman livestreamed his shooting spree in Saxony-Anhalt, using “Mr. Bond’s” music as his backing track.
For those in the U.S. who believe this nation needs to adopt stricter, European-style anti-speech laws, a point of order: If U.S. authorities jailed every rapper whose music was used in a shooting, there wouldn’t be a single rapper walking free and not a single rap song on the radio.

[Swordsmyth]

https://www.takimag.com/article/the-...-perished-189/

The Week’s Most Spaying, Swaying, and Mother’s Daying Headlines
WORDS ARE VIOLENCE! (SO IS VIOLENCE)
America’s trannies rank among the greatest inventors of our time. True innovators, like George Washington Self-Carver, Androgene Polley, and Pedophilo Farnsworth.
Look at all the genders they invent on a daily basis. And the pronouns! Zir, zher, xem, xyr, moop, joop, and meep (correction: Those last three are Dutch months).
Two weeks ago, a tranny fashion designer presented its newest creation: “pressure underwear” for little boys that flatten their genitals (the Chinese saw this and said, “Holy clap, even our foot bindings ain’t that sadistic”).
And now trannies have revealed their greatest discovery of all: Actual violence is more violent than word violence. Yes, words might equal violence, but violence equals violence even more.

Last week, as Dave Chappelle was wrapping his set at the Hollywood Bowl, trans activist Isaiah Lee decided to test his discovery that knives are more dangerous than words, as he rushed the comic brandishing a deadly nonverbal weapon.
Sadly, like so many visionary inventors throughout history, Lee went unappreciated, as Chappelle and his bodyguards left the dysmorphic duelist looking like a ventriloquist’s dummy with the strings cut.
As Lee was being mulched off stage, Chappelle joked to the crowd that the attacker was a “trans man.” Immediately, the usual suspects slammed Chappelle for “transphobia,” even as it came out that indeed Lee is a tranny activist, which anyone who doesn’t work at CNN or MSNBC could’ve foreseen.
Rolling Stone tried to excuse Lee’s defeat at Stabomattox by explaining that the poor guy’s “mentally ill.”
Ah, so now we can admit the truth about trannies?
Because that’s one “discovery” all normal people made years ago.

SITUATIONAL PREGNANCIES
Following the SCOTUS leak of an early draft of a majority decision that would overturn Roe v. Wade, the left found itself in its worst tizzy since Bubba Wallace saw a string.
The left’s reaction to the SCOTUS leak revealed an important if previously unexplored aspect of human pregnancies: They’re situational. Last year, the AP revised its stylebook to instruct its writers that the term “pregnant woman” is “non-inclusive” because it ignores “pregnant men.” Scribes were ordered to only use “pregnant people,” “pregnant individuals,” and “those who are pregnant.”
But now the AP has run into a problem: With Roe on the line, the left wants to present abortion as a women’s issue and only a women’s issue.
As the intolerant transphobe Gavin Newsom told a crowd of pro-choicers last week, “If men could get pregnant, this wouldn’t even be a conversation.”
But…men can get pregnant, right?

Not so fast, hate-criminal! The AP is here to dispel your confusion. The stylebook was updated yet again, this time instructing reporters to never dare say “men can get pregnant” in relation to abortion.
When it comes to other situations, yes, men can get pregnant. But when it comes to news stories about abortion, no, men cannot get pregnant.
Got it?
If that doesn’t make sense to you, it’s because you lack a master’s in Matlatzinca/Ocuiltec Gender-Fluid Haiku Labor Movement Pamphleteering in Fifth-Century Chapultenango. Your degreed superiors in Journalism Inc. understand that uttering the word “abortion” erases male pregnancy, while the word “healthcare” brings it back.
Trust the science (fiction), you rubes.
THE APPLE iHOMES
The black slang “homeboy” (or “homes” or “homey”) is said to have originated as an affectionate term for your “boy” who resides in your hometown. But apparently that’s just a racist myth. Because according to a coalition of Apple employees, blacks call each other “homes” in honor of the place from which they’re too scared to venture.
Yes, it’s now “white supremacy” to expect a black person to go outside.


Last week, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced that, to mark the official end of pandemic procedures, employees would have to start returning to the office a minimum of one day a week, increasing to three days by mid-May.
That didn’t sit well with “Apple Together,” a collective of about 200 company homebodies who served Cook with an open letter demanding that work-at-home continue indefinitely, because in-person employment is “racist.” And sexist, too. And ableist. As the letter states, forcing workers to leave their homes will make Apple “whiter, more male-dominated, more neuro-normative and more able-bodied.”
To be fair, maybe the “neuro-abnormative” should stay home. As anyone who lives in San Francisco knows, “neuro-abnormatives” have an unfortunate habit of public urination, poo-flinging, and the occasional stab attack.
But regarding the “non-able-bodied,” state and local governments have spent trillions of dollars in Americans with Disabilities Act compliance to make every square inch of the outside world safe for even the most spastic of cripples. Wheelchair ramps, walk/don’t walk signs that shriek, dwarf drinking fountains, all the best parking spots, and the biggest public toilets. So many accommodations. And now the disabled tell us we’re being “ableist” for expecting them to venture outside?
Coulda mentioned that before we spent the money, Shortbus.
Also, where was that black reclusiveness in summer 2020? If you can leave your home to burn down a city, you can do so to earn a paycheck.
Twitter and Facebook have already buckled to the demands of the hermits, and Apple is likely to follow. Welcome to 2022, when the definition of workforce inclusivity is home isolation.
You know you’re knee-deep in irony when the slave laborers who make your electronics have a more active social life than your white-collar workers.
OFFENDING THE OFFENDERS
A cornerstone principle of Soros-style criminal justice “reform” is that prisons must never be used for punishment but only “rehabilitation.” Just as a stranger is merely a friend you haven’t met, a rapist-murderer is merely an upstanding citizen who hasn’t yet attended the right group-therapy session.

In the U.S., there’s no such thing as “irredeemable.” Recidivism is caused not by inborn criminality but by prisons that don’t nurture enough. That dude who got busted for his twelfth rape just needs one more go-round with the fidget toys, conversation cubes, and bobo dolls.
Still, things haven’t gotten as bad here as they have in the U.K., where, to show how much ’Er Majesty’s Bleedin’ Government cares about its killers, rapists, and molesters, prison officials have been told to treat inmates as though they’re on a right bloody ’oliday.
British prison guards and administrators have been ordered to call their charges “clients,” “guests,” and “residents,” who live not in cells but in “rooms.” Those released from incarceration are not called “convicts” but “prison leavers” and “community resettlers.”
Some prisons have even installed phones in the cells (sorry, “suites”) so inmates can stay up all night chatting with each other about the new Harry Styles album and how much they’d love to meet him, get an autograph, murder him, brutalize his corpse, and wear his face like a do-rag.
Last week, a group of British politicians led by Justice Secretary Dominic Raab officially called for an end to the “woke” coddling language being used in the British penal system. Raab and the others plan to draft a new style guide mandating a return to the old days of “prisoners” and “cells.”
Also, prison rape will no longer be referred to as a “Sore-shank Redemption,” a “Brown Mile,” or a “Londonderry Airing.”
Hopefully, the new terminology will keep the nicks from being pricks and the nonces from feeling like ponces.

AUSCHWITZ-JERKENAU
Speaking of Brits, Denis Avey had a most unremarkable WWII career as a British soldier. Captured by Germans while trying to flee to Greece on a floating crate, he spent the war in a POW camp. Yet in 2001, Avey suddenly “remembered” that he’d escaped his Nazi POW camp and infiltrated Auschwitz-Birkenau, where he saved Jews and witnessed the horrors of the gas chambers.
After recovering the memory, Avey was like, “So that’s why I’ve had that string tied around me finger for the last 58 years!”
Naturally, he became a national hero, and a rich one at that, with newspaper interviews, a BBC special, and a best-selling book, The Man Who Broke Into Auschwitz.
Turns out the only thing Avey ever broke was wind.
As reported in The Guardian last week, Avey’s story should’ve been rated B for “bollocks.” Yes, he was a POW. No, he never infiltrated Auschwitz. Piotr Setkiewicz, head of research at the Auschwitz-Birkenau Memorial Museum, told Reuters that even though the Auschwitz part of Avey’s story is fake, the other parts—like him being named Denis—are true. “Perhaps 80 or 90% of what Mr. Avey says is true, but the problem is that Holocaust deniers have this wonderful habit of fixing on every single thing which is obviously not true.”
Sorry, Stosh, but in Avey’s case the 10 or 20% fake part is the entire story. Like how humans may differ genetically from chimps by just 1.2% DNA, but it’s a really important 1.2%.
Along with lying about marching under the “Arbeit Macht Frei” wrought-iron gate, which Avey likely saw in a documentary without understanding that the gate wasn’t at Birkenau but Auschwitz-Stammlager, there were other dead giveaways that his tall tale was influenced by his postwar viewing habits. The commandant of Auschwitz was not Benny Hill, inmates didn’t get shaved so he could slap their bald heads, and the death marches weren’t conducted in fast motion to “Yakety Sax.”
Those details should’ve set off red flags years ago.
According to The Guardian, Avey’s publishers plan to keep the book in print, but with “qualifying notes” added to future editions. The publishers didn’t divulge the text of those notes, but a good start would be “What yer about to read is total bullshite, ya prat.”

[Swordsmyth]

https://www.takimag.com/article/the-...-perished-190/

The Week’s Most Ellipsing, Eclipsing, and Apocalypsing Headlines
SKULLED LABORERS
There are many indicators that you may be living in a crappy country. Frequent coups and juntas, plagues of diseases born of poor hygiene, streets running with human excrement, towns controlled by warlords, famines killing every other child.
But nothing says “crappy country” quite like police discovering the skulls of 150 tortured and executed people and realizing that the remains might be from 1,000 years ago, or yesterday.
Ten years ago, Mexican police uncovered just such a cache of craniums in Chiapas. Between drug crimes, kidnappings, and insurrections by leprous natives straight out of a 1980s Italian jungle flick, Chiapas is the kind of place where the locals think Mad Max is a utopian fantasy.
When cops found the skulls in 2012, the condition of the remains—teeth bashed in and holes in the head—led them to suspect local drug lords. But just last week, forensic scientists at Mexico’s National Institute of Anthropology dated the skulls to between 900 and 1200 AD.

Yes, it took ten years to run the tests, because the scientists were working a second job doing drywall for San Diego homeowners.
Look, trabajo is trabajo.
The unfortunate original owners of the skulls were from a pre-Aztec culture. And although the scientistos buenos couldn’t determine exactly why those 150 people were so brutally killed, a likely possibility is that the penalty for waking the emperor with leaf blowers was severe indeed.
Upon learning that Mexico hasn’t advanced enough as a civilization for inhabitants to tell the new mass graves from the old ones, a spokes-troglodyte for Australian aborigines told the AP, “What losers,” adding, “but damn they did a great job drywalling my hut last year.”
WAR OF ARREARS
The specter of nuclear war was a lot more fun in the 1980s. The left’s anti-Reagan antiwar posturing gave the world a bunch of great pop tunes from the era’s “pwease don’t kill the childwen, Mistuh Pwesident” songsmiths. From Germans singing about red balloons filled with helium rather than Zyklon (a most welcome change) to an Australian band hoping their antiwar anthem would repair their one-hit-wonder image (it didn’t), the looming threat of war in the 1980s had a good beat and you could dance to it.
Sadly, today, as deranged leaders in D.C. seem intent on drawing the nation into war with Russia, pop culture is offering no decent diversions.

The big “state of the culture” story last week involved an ex-stripper named “Blac Chyna” (who isn’t so much a human as a giant augmented ass with fake eyelashes), who lost a defamation lawsuit against one of the Kardashians (bizarre otherworldly beings who, like the Borg, aren’t so much individuals as one giant hive-hind).

Apparently, this anus vs. anus court case kept much of the nation rapt, a fine distraction from the president, and legislators from both parties, who are literally daring Putin to use nukes. But who cares about that when all eyes were on Chyna’s mother, “Tokyo Toni” (who also possesses a massive posterior), who unsuccessfully accused the judge of bias, as Chyna herself blew off steam by going to a bar and kicking a woman named Sequoya in her ample stomach (but not in her ample hindquarters, as that would’ve violated the big booty sisterhood code of ethics).
After losing their suit, “Chyna” and “Tokyo” launched a GoFundMe to cover their legal bills. The crowdfunding goal is $400,000, to which the victorious Kardashians donated $5 (such cruel mockery is known as a “rump roast).”
It could be argued that the great music of the “no nukes” 1980s was, even if inadvertently, a reminder of the beauty of life and why it’s worth preserving.
The ultimate antiwar sentiment.


Conversely, 2022 pop culture seems to be a reminder of why nuking everything and starting from scratch wouldn’t necessarily be such a bad proposition.
FLY THE FRIENDLY OYS
And speaking of 99 Luftwaffeballons, the Germans have once again displayed the tact and diplomacy that made them such a hit in the early 20th century.


Three weeks ago, this column highlighted a British airline with a Nazi fetish. Apparently, the people who run Lufthansa read that story and decided that if any carrier was going to torment Jews, it would be theirs.
So Lufthansa went about building a better Maus-trap. And last week it sprung, as the airline re-created the exclusionary Nuremberg Laws (this time with free pretzels and a surcharge for carry-on).
Staff on a Frankfurt-to-Budapest flight turned away all “visibly Jewish” passengers after a small group of Jews on an earlier flight had refused to wear masks. As a result, 127 Jews were barred from their connecting flight. Videos taken by yowling Juden show one Lufthansa employee snapping, “It was Jewish people who were the mess, who made the problems.”
“The Jews are our misfortune” seems like a less-than-appealing 21st-century airline catchphrase. Indeed, it sounds downright ausrotten.
Regarding how Lufthansa determined which of the passengers were Jewish, fortunately the home office still had a few 1930s phrenology charts lying around.
Initially, Lufthansa refused to apologize for the selektion. Indeed, rumor had it that the new Judenfrei carrier had ordered back issues of Der Stürmer as the in-flight magazine. However, after foolishly opening a second front against Russian passengers, Lufthansa leadership found itself isolated in a bunker, forced to unconditionally capitulate.
“Verdammt,” exclaimed CEO Carsten Spohr as he was escorted to Spandau. “One day, we’ll get this right.”
ACLUSELESS
Somewhere in Vancouver, the members of Stonebolt, malnourished, graying, and unkempt, haunt the local dives trying to get free drinks.
“Hey, man, we’re Stonebolt,” they announce. “Buy us some whiskey.”
“I’m sorry, we don’t know who you are,” is the inevitable reply of the patrons.
“We had a top 10 hit,” they shoot back. “‘I Will Still Love You.’ Pretty cool, huh?”
The patrons ask a follow-up: “What year was that?”
“1978.”
“And you’re still talking about it now? Haven’t you done anything since?”
And with that, Stonebolt retreat, the free alcohol as out of reach as the stardom they enjoyed for one month a lifetime ago.
If Stonebolt were a U.S. progressive litigation group, it would be the ACLU, the one-hit wonder of legal advocacy nonprofits. As pointed out by University of San Francisco law professor Lara Bazelon in The Atlantic last week, the formerly respected “civil liberties” organization still trots out its 1978 defense of the right of Nazis to march through Skokie as proof that it fights for the rights of non-leftists.
As Bazelon—an ACLU member—ruefully notes, the people who run the ACLU trumpet this Carter-era accomplishment while never having repeated it in 44 years. Bazelon calls out the org for having long ago abandoned its mandate in favor of schemes like the pay-to-play deal with Amber “Fecal Tooth Fairy” Heard, in which the ACLU pimped her “I’m an abuse survivor” op-ed in exchange for $3.5 million.
When Heard reneged on the deal, the ACLU extorted $100,000 from Johnny Depp and $500,000 from Heard’s short-term beau Elon Musk (who paid with a spare wad of cash he was using to stabilize the leg of a wobbly table).
Bazelon declares that this isn’t the behavior of a world-class civil liberties organization (and if you just felt a tremor, it’s every human being on earth replying, “DUH!”).
Bazelon also slammed the org for arguing against the rights of male defendants in college sexual assault cases, as it “embraces dubious causes” and disavows its own clients for political reasons.
Oh, but they had that one hit in 1978.
If the ACLU isn’t willing to release an updated cover of that hit, maybe it’s time for the leadership to retire to the bar, permanently, in the hope that some 70-year-old Nazi remembers them and buys them a drink.
BLACK AN’ GAS
Cows must spend a lot of time wondering why humans are so obsessed with their gas. To the average cow, humans must seem like freakish fart fetishists.
If cows could speak, the conversations would likely go like this:
Bessie: “Last week this manic, googly-eyed Hispanic congresswoman was sniffing around my butt, trying to gauge my farts. I let one rip right as she was taking a breath. I thought it would annoy her, but she actually seemed to enjoy it.”
Clarabelle: “Sweetie, that’s nothing. A few days ago the British royal family was smelling my burps. I mean, I know they’re supposed to be inbred and all, but that’s just nasty.”
Yes, last week Prince Charles announced the £50,000 prizewinning invention in the Royal College of Art’s Sustainable Markets Initiative contest: a cow burp collector.
The Prince of Wales became the Prince of Gales as he heralded this foul-wind filter for Guernseys. The device, which looks like an S&M strap-on ball gag, is fitted to a cow’s nose and mouth, capturing errant belches so that, as described by The Telegraph, “the gas travels through a micro-sized catalytic converter, and is released into the atmosphere as carbon dioxide and water vapour.”
Ostensibly, this is intended to save the planet in ways that only make sense to people who are dumber than cattle and far less useful.

While the bovine burpinator has yet to be mass-tested on cows to see if they’ll even wear the damn things, John Goodman has volunteered to test it on humans.

“Seriously, you don’t want to be around me after a cabbage pie and ten beers,” he told The Telegraph. “If they can make one of these for the other end, too, my wife might actually let me back in the bedroom.”

[Swordsmyth]

https://www.takimag.com/article/the-...-perished-191/

The Week’s Most Burying, Ferrying, and Primarying Headlines
ENOUGH WITH THE POLACKS ALREADY
Call it the Museum of Intolerance.
New York’s Museum of Jewish Heritage has banned Florida governor Ron DeSantis from speaking on its grounds. DeSantis was scheduled to give a talk on “the vibrancy of Jewish life in Florida,” but when museum officials learned that Jewish life in Florida doesn’t include getting mugged while walking to a bodega or being pushed in front of a subway car, they gasped, “You call that vibrancy? Where’s the excitement?”
Museum leadership also slammed DeSantis for banning transgender propagandizing of kindergartners. According to museum directors, this prohibition “does not align with our values of inclusivity.” Because of course a Holocaust museum is exactly the place to celebrate modern-day Mengeles who chop the privates off children.
In years past the museum had no problem hosting such divisive leftist figures as Bill de Blasio (a.k.a. “Warren Wilhelm Frick”), Israel foe AOC (a.k.a. “Googly-Eyed Genocide”), and Andrew Cuomo (a.k.a. “Maximilian Grabner”).

The Museum of Jewish Heritage’s “values” are best exemplified by its international arm, the Auschwitz Jewish Center in Oświęcim, Poland. Dedicated to abusing the Polish locals (because how dare they live in a city where Nazi occupiers built Auschwitz-Birkenau?), the center features an exhibit in which native Poles are instructed to abandon their identity and heritage to Third World immigrants. The exhibit, titled “Borders,” depicts Africans in traditional Polish cultural attire to demonstrate “the limits of Polish national identity against the backdrop of rapid social change.”
The Nazis tried to eradicate Poland by replacing the population with Germans. And now a New York-based Holocaust museum is trying again, this time using Africans.
DeSantis dodged a bullet. If he has to speak in NYC, better it be at the Fulton Fish Market. Compared to the Museum of Jewish Heritage, the stench is way less odious.
BLM? MORE LIKE LBM (LUCRATIVE BABY-MAKER)
Forget four-leaf clovers, rabbits’ feet, or horseshoes. There’s a new good-luck icon in the black community: Damon Turner, the luckiest baby daddy in history.
Turner didn’t just hit the honeypot, he hit the jackpot. As baby daddy to BLM cofounder Patrisse Cullors, Turner’s found himself on the receiving end of nearly one million bucks of BLM sucker—sorry, “donor”—dough.
Tax filings have revealed that BLM’s corrupt Nell Carter look-alike (star of the upcoming sitcom Gimme Something to Break) paid Turner $970,000 to “produce live events.”

Which apparently means fathering a baby and nothing else.
While Turner is living the life of Rioty for doing something most young black men do for free, BLM is coming under increasing scrutiny for the money doled out to Cullors’ family ($840,000 to her brother), the $3.2 million Cullors doled out to herself to buy four fancy houses, the $6 million Cullors and her girlfriends sunk into an L.A. party mansion, and the $2.1 million paid to BLM executive director Shalomyah Bowers for “support services.”
Rumor has it those “support services” consist entirely of exclaiming “You go, gurl!” every time Cullors burns down a Walgreens.
One disgruntled former BLM organizer, YahNé Ndgo, told the Daily Mail that there’s been zero oversight regarding the distribution of the org’s $42 million in assets. Worse still, Cullors reneged on a promise to buy Ndgo two additional vowels for her surname.
Feeling as untouchable as a Hindu latrine-cleaner and ten times as pungent, last week Cullors went on MSNBC to boast about all the “white guilt money” she be throwin’ around. She also declared that questioning the use of BLM funds is racist, and IRS tax laws are “triggering.”

When asked how any of this relates to the death of George Floyd, Cullors responded, “Who? Oh, right, that guy. I planted a tree in his name in my mansion’s yard. Had to cut it down, though—the leaves were clogging my infinity pool.”
BLISTER TOAD’S WILD RIDE
Whatever doesn’t kill Yoonj just makes her stronger.
Yoonj Kim is a South Korean-born model who fancies herself a journalist. When Playboy temporarily banned boobs in 2015, it hired Yoonj to be the publication’s “investigative reporter,” complete with her own Playboy Channel news show, Journalista.
Always one to point out that she’s Asian as if her name and face don’t make it abundantly clear, Yoonj promoted herself as a special type of journalist, one who “has a track record for gaining access into marginalized communities” (because it’s so hard to persuade nonwhites to bitch to the press about their problems).
Sadly, Journalista flopped. But it left a large, if toxic, footprint. The monkey frog of South America secretes a highly poisonous hallucinogenic toxin as a natural defense against predators and Asian reporters. For an episode of Journalista, Yoonj had the frog poison burned into her skin, because she read that’s how Aztecs or Mayans or Cantinflas did it to “cleanse” after a heavy burrito and cerveza dinner.
Live on camera, “Edward R. Bimbo” had the poison applied to her burned, blistered skin, and the end result was lots of vomiting and fainting that, while not newsworthy, was certainly entertaining (the video has more than 1.5 million views).
Yoonj now works at MTV, where the brain damage she incurred from poisoning herself is not an impediment.


But what a legacy she left! Ever since her broadcast, other morons have been getting in on the whole “fatal frog toxin” thing, and the casualties have been mounting. In the past week alone, Russian oligarch Alexander Subbotin died when he used the frog poison to treat a hangover (it’s hair of the dog, dumbass, not frog), and a Spanish porn star was charged with manslaughter after he gave the poison to a fashion photographer to cure the man’s anxiety (the photog died, so, in a way, mission accomplished).
And now comes word that at this year’s meeting of the global elite at Davos, a “shaman room” will be set up where the participants can partake of “healing hallucinogens” like MDMA, LSD, ayahuasca, and frog poison.
Davos…now there’s a herd that could use thinning. Yoonj Kim may never be remembered as a competent journalist, but she might just leave a legacy of far greater importance.
BEAN UP TO NO GOOD
Last year, angry Asians in Southern California decided to hold a march to “stop Asian hate.” And why not? In cities all over the country, Asians were being beaten like foo yung eggs. The problem was, most of the violent perps weren’t “white supremacists” but capital-B Blacks. So of course the Asian marchers chose Diamond Bar, a city with almost no blacks.
Everyone knows the old Chinese proverb, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” Lesser-known is the coda: “and it ends with a Mexican.” Diamond Bar resident Steve Dominguez didn’t like these inscruta-bullies blocking his morning commute, so he drove around harassing the marchers with racial epithets and forcing them to run for cover as he came barreling through.
Fair-play turnabout as for once Asian pedestrians had to dodge a non-Asian’s bad driving.
L.A. County DA George Gascon declined to charge Dominguez with a crime, because only Anglos can be charged with hate crimes in L.A. Plus, Asians vote Democrat no matter what, so why not abuse them for fun? “When it comes to Democrats, all Asians are like George Takei,” Gascon told the press. “They love taking it up the butt.”
Last week the U.S. Attorney’s Office secured a federal indictment against Dominguez for “bias-motivated interference with federal protected activities.” Word has it Eric Swalwell spearheaded the prosecution after being given an ultimatum by his newest Chinese prostitute-spy.
Dominguez faces a maximum of twenty years in prison, or a minimum of ten days unpaid drywall work at the U.S. Attorney’s house.
BALD-FACED CRIER
There’s an old joke: “What happens when two bald men put their heads together? They make an ass of themselves.”
Or a “$#@!.”
Tony Finn hates being bald. The 64-year-old Brit sees the loss of his hair as yet another indignity in a life that’s full of ’em. After all, for 24 years the poor sod’s worked at the Yorkshire-based British Bung Company.
As you can imagine, his dating life isn’t exactly red-hot. Being bald is bad enough, but even if he gets a bird to chat him up at a pub, she rarely sticks around.
Girl: “So, what do you do for a living?”
Finn: “I’m deep in bung. [Pause] Hey, come back!”
Adding to Finn’s malaise, he’s routinely bullied by one of his co-workers, who calls him “bald $#@!” as a daily greeting.
Last year, Finn filed a formal complaint with his bosses, demanding that they instruct the co-worker to ease up on the “bald $#@!” business.
The bosses replied, “Yer fired, ya bald $#@!.”
So Finn went to the Sheffield employment tribunal to file a wrongful-dismissal claim. And last week the tribunal ruled that Finn had no grounds to complain about being called “$#@!” because, as the lead tribunal member stated, “You are kind of a $#@!, mate.” But Finn prevailed on the “bald” count. Turns out several of the tribunal members are themselves bald, and they ruled that the constant mockery of Finn’s barren pate was tantamount to sexual harassment, because making fun of a man’s bald head is akin to joking about a woman’s breasts.

One suspects these tribunal members have had their own experiences of being snubbed at the pub.
Finn’s former employer will now have to pay compensation for wrongful dismissal and sexual harassment, which will likely put British Bung in a hole.
Maybe with his winnings, Finn can buy a decent toupee.
Or at least a hat.

[Swordsmyth]

https://www.takimag.com/article/the-...-perished-192/

The Week’s Most Flaying, Spaying, and Memorial Daying Headlines
OKAY, WHO CAUSED A TEMPORAL PARADOX?
In the Bizarro 1980s (an inverted-reality dimension), Philip Michael Thomas became an A-list movie star after Miami Vice. Bobcat Goldthwait launched the most successful sitcom of all time (“a show about screaming about nothing”). Haysi Fantayzee sold more records than any group in history, and while a movie about a robot assassin from the future flopped at the box office, killing the careers of its bodybuilder star and egocentric director, The Perils of Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik-Yak broke box office records, launching lead actor Brent Huff into superstardom.
Bizarro ’80s is more than comic-book fiction; it’s pretty much what’s happening today. Case in point: In the real 1980s, leftists were against racial apartheid and war with Russia.
But not in the Bizarro ’80s!
Last week, Netflix announced the end of its racial-preference apartheid. The streamer, rapidly imploding due to “woke” programming and racial hiring caps and quotas, liquidated its black, Hispanic, Asian, and LGBT programming departments: Strong Black Lead (weak black ratings), Con Todo (no can-do), Golden Asia (yellow? Goodbye!), and Most (LGBTFU).

Needless to say, leftists are furious that a racial apartheid is ending!
Par for the course in the Bizarro ’80s. As is the fact that musicians are now clamoring for war with Russia, with Pink Floyd’s pro-Ukraine war anthem topping the charts. In the actual 1980s, Pink Floyd released anti-war songs, including “The Fletcher Memorial Home,” which gleefully depicted Reagan and Thatcher being murdered. But now, war’s, like, cool, man!
So have a New Coke and a smile, courtesy of Bill Cosby (and because this is the Bizarro ’80s, rest assured there are no quaaludes in it).
AND SPEAKING OF THE NINETEEN-AIDEES…
Here’s another resuscitated ’80s relic: a highly contagious African-origin gay disease.
Behold, monkeypox!
Gregg Gonsalves is an epidemiologist and “global health activist” at Yale. He rose to prominence in the 1980s fighting AIDS, and by “fighting it,” he means “getting it.” Yes, Greg with an extra “g” (for gay) saw friends and family die of AIDS in the 1980s and—by his own admission—he knew everything there was to know about the disease: how to get it, and how to not get it.

But still, in 1995, he got it. Even though it was (at the time) a death sentence, he couldn’t control his behavior enough to avoid one of the most easily avoidable deadly plagues in history.
Thankfully, his diagnosis came right as the first generation of Magic Johnson’s AIDS-B-Gone super-drugs were approved, so Gonsalves survived. And over the past two years the man who couldn’t control his pecker when it was life-or-death has been one of the prime COVID-scolds in America, lecturing the great unwashed on how they must sacrifice everything—their jobs, their kids’ education and mental health, their elderly parents’ companionship–in the name of controlling COVID.
Few argued harder than Gonsalves to keep churches closed during the pandemic; in November 2020 he tweeted: “If you think filling up churches and allowing congregants to get infected is in the name of God, you worship something far grimmer than most.”
Said the man who’s only alive today because he inadvertently timed his baneful buggering to coincide with the availability of protease inhibitors.
But now that monkeypox is here, spread via close contact among gay men, Greggay has changed his tune, tweeting “The answer isn’t shut down all these parties, tell gay men to stop having sex at them or dancing in close proximity to each other. It won’t work.” Yes, now that the plague’s gay, social distancing is homophobic.

Gregg Gonsalves: a life defined by screwing. “Screw your kids, screw your parents, screw your life, just don’t screw with my ability to screw.”
HOIST BY THEIR OWN SPANIARD
In 1989 David Ramirez, an Arizonan of obvious Aztec ancestry, did some DIY pagan sacrificing by butchering his girlfriend and her 15-year-old daughter. He stabbed both women two dozen times in the neck, back, abdomen, and eyes. And as the daughter lay dying, he raped her repeatedly. According to neighbors, this went on for thirty minutes.


Ramirez’s guilt was never in question. At trial, his attorney appealed to the judge: “You need drywall, señor? We do drywall.”
Ramirez was sentenced to fry. And refry, like all good beans.
His post-conviction lawyer was no more effective during appeal (“you want leaf blow? We blow leaf”).
In the decades since, Ramirez’s case has attracted the attention of the nation’s finest left-wing lawyers (from the firm Nebbish, Schmendrick, and Schmuck), who argue that Ramirez’s previous attorneys didn’t stress the extenuating circumstances that totally excuse their client’s behavior. “He was an abused child!” “He never got over the cancellation of Chico and the Man!” “He was just trying to film his version of Apocalypto!”
Unfortunately, Ramirez’s team was prevented from presenting these arguments at the federal appeals level, thanks to the 1996 Antiterrorism and Effective Death Penalty Act (AEDPA). So the attorneys went to SCOTUS demanding an AEDPA exemption.
Last week, SCOTUS, in a 6–3 decision, upheld AEDPA and sent Ramirez back to death row, much to the righteous rage of every leftist in America.
How dare the racist court send an abused Mexican to his maker!
But here’s the irony: AEDPA was passed following the Oklahoma City bombing as a tool against white supremacist terrorists! It was supported by Democrats, and signed by Bill Clinton.
Today, the Biden administration is trying to curtail civil liberties in the name of fighting white supremacist terrorists. You think they’ll learn a lesson from the Ramirez case about how these kinds of crusades can boomerang in unexpected ways?
Naw! That would require introspection. No time for that. Not when there are Mexican necrófilos to free and anti-CRT white parents to imprison.
BLACK SPARROW
Last week was the second anniversary of smothered brother George Floyd’s grand exit. Second anniversaries are symbolized by “cotton,” so even in death poor George is mocked by racism (next year will be better; the symbol of third anniversaries is fentanyl).
Unfortunately for those who turned Floyd’s passing into an excuse to defund cops and launch a national crime surge, America isn’t in much of a “defund” mood these days. After two mass shootings in a row, Americans have soured on the notion that crime can be stopped by social workers dispensing daisies.

So the commemorations for Cotton Floyd were rather muted.
It’s tempting to view the “defund” crusade as America’s version of China’s 1958 “smash sparrows campaign.” That was when Mao Zedong—a man so imbecilic new research suggests he wasn’t Asian at all but just a white guy with severe Down syndrome—ordered his people to kill every sparrow in the land because the birds were “eating the grain.”
So for an entire year, China became Auschwitz-Beakenau, as sparrows were genocided left and right. And then it turned out the sparrows hadn’t been eating grain but the bugs that infest the grain. And with all sparrows dead, an unprecedented plague of locusts caused a famine that killed millions.
Kill bug-eaters, you get more bugs. How can a people that good at math not understand 2 + 2 = 4?
At least the BLM Mau Maus who out-Mao’d Mao have an excuse for not understanding “remove all cops and crime will increase” cause and effect: They can’t read, write, or reason beyond a kindergarten level.
History always repeats itself, and when it comes to “great leaps forward,” BLM’s defund disaster proves that blacks can’t jump any better than Chinamen.
THROWING THE FAITHFUL A BONE
In religion news, last week was all about trad vs. rad, honor vs. on-him.
The Catholic Church has always been tolerant with Nancy Pelosi. Sure, the far-left Democrat rarely respects church teachings. She loves abortion so much she once tried to replace her speaker’s gavel with a curette. She’s so pro-gay she tried to force priests to conduct baptisms in bathhouses. And she threatened to withdraw tax-free status from churches that don’t allow trannysubstantiation.
Still, the Vatican kept her around, because what’s goth cathedrals without a gargoyle?
But now it looks like Pelosi’s luck has run out. Last week, Archbishop Salvatore Cordileone of the San Francisco Archdiocese issued a decree banning Pelosi from receiving Holy Communion “until she repents of her public pro-abortion stance.”
Poor Nancy now has to sneak down to San Jose to get back-alley Communion from a vato named Miguel (Pelosi generally avoids Mexican Catholics, as they often mistake her for a Guanajuato mummy). The Catholic Reporter denounced the archbishop, claiming that even though abortion is indeed a sin, Pelosi herself never had one—she only ensured that millions of other women have.
So it’s all cool, then.
As Archbishop Cordileone continues to prove himself incorruptible, across the country another Christian leader is proving himself in-your-rumptible. Eighty-three-year-old pastor Norm Self, of Moon Hearth Ministries in Asheville N.C., has decided to expand his ministry through gay porn. No, not watching it. Or selling it. The elderly pastor has decided to become a gay porn star himself.
Last week Self told The Sun that he “plans to keep starring in erotic films until society removes ‘sex-negative norms’ from its vocabulary.”
To which society replied, “Whatever you say, gramps! Just put your damn clothes back on.”
On his “church’s” website, Self offers “private sessions” for “sliding-scale donations based on session length and your gratitude.”
50 percent refund if you catch monkeypox.

And he’s raking in the bucks, mainly from fatties who’ve found in the pastor the ultimate appetite suppressant.
“Since seeing him naked, I’m nauseous 24/7,” said one satisfied customer.