End of days. A very daunting issue WRT to my parents.

[phill4paul]

Ah, they, and through extension, me and siblings, are finally there.

My dad is 90. As many will remember I asked for prayer year last after he fell and broke his hip. Thank you so much for them. I, honestly, believe they are important. He was able to get back up and at it with a walker. Many also remember that my mother is in rehab now after a stroke on Christmas day past. At first she didn't try much but in the last month she has rebounded exceedingly.

When he got on the walker she could care for him. Now she can't and she is in a situation that even the best prognosis will leave her, mostly, in a wheel-chair. Possibly needing incontinance care and bathing help.

We are not uncaring. My sister sold her house last year and she and her husband plan on selling his place so they can, together, move outside of Atlanta. She offered to make a part of that ranch house "mom and dad's" space and take care of them. On the surface this is a great idea. But, she really has no idea what she is in for. None of the attendent functions that would be required would she be able to provide. And, more importantly, my parents would never do that in the name of their "independence." She is trying to convince them, but I know this is just not happening.

After talking with both of them their goal is...#1 To be with each other. #2 To be as independent as they can be for as long as they can be.

But, it's apparent the independence provision is gonna take some hits.
So, they will need help from here on out. We've looked at many options. They could still live in their house and hire an attendent 4 hrs. in the morning and 4 hrs. in the evening. At $20 per hour that works to $4,480 per month. And still the household expenses. Given their health ain't gonna get better I don't see this as an option.

So that leaves assisted living communities. Boyo's and girls if you haven't thought about buying long term assisted living insurance you should. These places are not for the weak of income.

The best place locally is $4,160 for the two of them. 1 bedroom and living room layout 487 sq. ft. layout. .Mom will need the Silver medical plan in addition. $1550. Total will run $5710 a month. My dad makes about $5500 a month from military Fed. Gov pension. So they can't even afford this placeHonestly, it is nice. All meals are provided, and I witnessed that the food is not "institutional" in the least.

However, if they signed up then the cost could be deducted as a medical expense for my parents net income. That would qualify my dad to apply for Veterans Adminstation Aid and Attendence. Given to war era vets. This would give him $24k a year. More than enough to cover the difference. With a bit left over.

But, the general rule of thumb is that they can never have more than $80k in assets to qualify. A home and vehicle does not apply.

But my dad thought he could sell the house later if they both needed "Gold" care. End of life. That'd run them about $8k a month. He was thinking he could sell the house and put it into a money generating account to cover the later costs. Nope. If he sells the house the government considers this an asset and he would have to burn about $90k before the VA Aid and Attendence would kick in again. At a rate too low to sustain.

My next move is to talk to an elder care financial planner. I have to. I've never run across such a conveluted mess. At least I have a very good V.A. advocate.

This is a $#@! show. On the plus side I still have my 90 yr. old father and 86 yr. old mother. And I'll do whatever it takes to make sure their wishes are done.

[angelatc]

Definitely talk to a lawyer that specializes in elder care. My grandparents were in somewhat the same situation, and the means testing will wipe them out if you don't move to protect the assets.

It's a racket, just like everything else.

[oyarde]

I pretty well plan on just giving away all my stuff before I feel bad unless the Mrs outlasts me . In which case I guess I will leave it to her because she will be old and crazy and need it . I wish you the best of luck Phil . I know you will do the right thing . I am complete on all this already , all of our parents are already gone .

[phill4paul]

Definitely talk to a lawyer that specializes in elder care. My grandparents were in somewhat the same situation, and the means testing will wipe them out if you don't move to protect the assets.

It's a racket, just like everything else.

Thanks. Yeah. From what I've read they should have diversed years ago. But, yeah, it is a racket, and need to talk to some anti-racketeer is apparent.

[phill4paul]

I pretty well plan on just giving away all my stuff before I feel bad unless the Mrs outlasts me . In which case I guess I will leave it to her because she will be old and crazy and need it . I wish you the best of luck Phil . I know you will do the right thing . I am complete on all this already , all of our parents are already gone .

Thank you for the wishes. I'm sorry that you and your lady have had your parents pass. But, in the end, that is our life. It will be mine soon enough. As long as each is alive I believe it will work as best as it can. But, I believe they are much like Johnny and June. I moved back into town when they were in their 70's because I thought they were getting older and might need me. Silly me. Tough old birds these two.

[heavenlyboy34]

Dang. My dad didn't even make it to 80 before the stroke and so forth got him. Praying for your folks and wishing that their remaining years are healthy and happy as possible. ~hugs~

[tod evans]

All I can offer is prayers...

Those you've got.

[Anti Federalist]

I know the dilemma you are in.

Nothing but best wishes and prayers as well.

I know you will do a better job than I did.

[euphemia]

Praying for you, pal. No simple solutions.

[donnay]

Phill, you and yours are my prayers. Ask God for guidance and direction he will give it to you. You are never alone with God on your side.

Give God your burdens.

Psalm 55:22 (KJV)
22 Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.

He will always show you a way out.

Isaiah 43:16-19 (KJV)
16 Thus saith the Lord, which maketh a way in the sea, and a path in the mighty waters;

17 Which bringeth forth the chariot and horse, the army and the power; they shall lie down together, they shall not rise: they are extinct, they are quenched as tow.

18 Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old.

19 Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.

[angelatc]

Thanks. Yeah. From what I've read they should have diversed years ago. But, yeah, it is a racket, and need to talk to some anti-racketeer is apparent.

The laws vary from state to state. In our state, the asset tests went back 24 months, so after everything was transferred to my parents, my parents paid the expenses for two years then, then my fellow Americans began to pay.

My parents originally attempted to care for my grandmother in-home. But my Mom was still working and my Dad wasn't up to the task. She needed attention 24/7, and he couldn't deal with things like bathing and changing diapers for his own mother.

Some people can and do manage it, so if your sister is one of those natural born care-givers, she probably can manage it if she has a strong support system.

[buck000]

I feel for you. It's a struggle, for both the parents and the offspring.

I've been through this phase with both my parents and my father-in-law, and now I'm a guardian for my 92 years-old-next-week aunt. Each situation is/was different, ranging from assisted living (then hospice) to in-home care, either provided by pros or family.

When my father-in-law (taken care of at our home by his daughters) got his little stroke and was bedridden and incontinent, he wondered why he couldn't just die.

My aunt is interesting, she can afford pretty much whatever, but wants to move back to her house from assisted living. I understand the desire, but assisted living is much better for her in some way, e.g., socialization with folks her age, 24x7 monitoring, etc. So, money is not an issue, but quality of life, as usual, is.

Best of luck in your decisions.... Don't forget to hug the parents; I wish I'd done more of that during their end of life.