Sir George de Carlin - a modern philosopher

[Ronin Truth]

George Carlin
Comedian

George Denis Patrick Carlin was an American stand-up comedian, social critic, actor, and author. Carlin was noted for his black comedy and his thoughts on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and various taboo subjects. Wikipedia

Born: May 12, 1937, Manhattan, New York City, NY

Died: June 22, 2008, Santa Monica, CA

Children: Kelly Carlin

Influenced by: Richard Pryor, Bill Hicks, Lenny Bruce, More

Spouse: Sally Wade (m. 1998–2008), Brenda Hosbrook (m. 1961–1997)

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?" -- George Carlin

[Ronin Truth]

"I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it." -- George Carlin

[Ronin Truth]

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin

[TheNewYorker]

Pretty sure Carlin didn't hate his job.

[Suzanimal]

I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic $#@!ing hatreds! ~ Sir George de Carlin

[Ronin Truth]

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.” -- George Carlin

[Ronin Truth]

And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? Not a word. You never hear them say “Jesus made me drop the ball.” “The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.” According to these guys Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these $#@!s are in last place. Must be another one of those “miracles.” -- George Carlin

[Ronin Truth]

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment. -- George Carlin

[jllundqu]

The man definitely ranks among the finest satirists of all time... his work will be long remembered.

[jllundqu]

[Indy Vidual]

[Ronin Truth]

"It’s the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin’ different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard. That’s our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free." -- George Carlin

[Ronin Truth]

"Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view." -- George Carlin

[Ronin Truth]

"Here’s another question I have: How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelet? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we’re better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? Because chickens are decent people. You don’t see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No. You don’t see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When’s the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the $#@! out of his hen, huh? Doesn’t happen. Because chickens are decent people." -- George Carlin

[Occam's Banana]

[Occam's Banana]

[Ronin Truth]

"We’re so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody’s going to save something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people kidding? Save the planet? We don’t even know how to take care of ourselves; we haven’t learned how to care for one another. We’re gonna save the $#@!in’ planet? And, by the way, there’s nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are $#@!ed! Compared with the people, the planet is doin’ great. It’s been here over four billion years The planet isn’t goin’ anywhere, folks. We are! We’re goin’ away. Pack your $#@!, we’re goin’ away. And we won’t leave much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left. Maybe a little Styrofoam. The planet will be here, and we’ll be gone. Another failed mutation, another closed-end biological mistake." -- George Carlin

[Suzanimal]

[Ronin Truth]

"Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong." -- George Carlin

[Ronin Truth]

"Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and He needs money." -- George Carlin

[Suzanimal]

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

Seems perfectly natural to me.

[Ronin Truth]

Seems perfectly natural to me.

For a guy, that's kinda like standing at a urinal, while drinking a beer. You don't ever really buy beer, you merely rent it.

[Suzanimal]

For a guy, that's kinda like standing at a urinal, while drinking a beer. You don't ever really buy beer, you merely rent it.

No doubt. A 12 oz can of Butt Light magically turns into 24 oz of piss.

[Ronin Truth]

"Catholics and other Christians are against abortions and they’re against homosexuals. Well who has less abortions than homosexuals? Leave these $#@!ing people alone for Christ’s sake. Here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion and the Catholics and the Christians are just tossing them aside. You’d think they’d make natural allies. Go look for consistency in religion." -- George Carlin

[Ronin Truth]

"So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. Not so you’d really notice it of course; just kinda on paper. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. Now there is another phrase I dearly love. That is a true oxymoron if I’ve ever heard one: “Civil War.” Do you think anybody in this country could ever really have a civil war?
“Say, pardon me?” (shoots gun) “I’m awfully sorry. Awfully sorry.” "-- George Carlin

[Ronin Truth]

"I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." -- George Carlin

[Ronin Truth]

"So maybe it’s not the politicians who suck; maybe it’s something else. Like the public. That would be a nice realistic campaign slogan for somebody: “The public sucks. Elect me.” Put the blame where it belongs: on the people. Because if everything is really the fault of politicians, where are all the bright, honest, intelligent Americans who are ready to step in and replace them? Where are these people hiding? The truth is, we don’t have people like that. Everyone’s at the mall, scratching his balls and buying sneakers with lights in them. And complaining about the politicians." -- George Carlin

[Ronin Truth]

"I don’t like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists. I often warn people: “Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no “I” in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an “I” in independence, individuality and integrity.'” Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. If they say, “We’re the So-and-Sos,” take a walk. And if, somehow, you must join, if it’s unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and join. But don’t participate; it will be your death. And if they tell you you’re not a team player, congratulate them on being observant." -- George Carlin

[timosman]

"So maybe it’s not the politicians who suck; maybe it’s something else. Like the public. That would be a nice realistic campaign slogan for somebody: “The public sucks. Elect me.” Put the blame where it belongs: on the people. Because if everything is really the fault of politicians, where are all the bright, honest, intelligent Americans who are ready to step in and replace them? Where are these people hiding? The truth is, we don’t have people like that. Everyone’s at the mall, scratching his balls and buying sneakers with lights in them. And complaining about the politicians." -- George Carlin

[Ronin Truth]

"People are $#@!ing nuts. This country is full of nitwits and $#@!s. You ever notice that? Nitwits, $#@!s, $#@!ups, scumbags, jerkoffs, and dipshits. And they all vote. In fact, sometimes you get the impression that they’re the only ones who vote." -- George Carlin