I've heard a lot of talk recently from my friends on the left about how we need to make white people pay in some way or another as "reparations" for slavery. Or we need to have affirmative action as "reparations" for segregation. The theory of Social Justice hinges on a need to correct past injustices by punishing the descendants of the ones who committed those injustices. How far can we push this concept?
Let's take Social Justice to it's logical extreme!
-Women should be forced to sign up for a mandatory draft, to compensate for the millions of men who have died in war against their will over the years. Put 'em on the front lines!
-Men must be forced to wear corsets for at least a hundred years or so. Those things are painful! Oh, and Chinese men are in for some foot binding! As a matter a fact, men should probably lose the vote for a couple hundred years. It's only fair.
-Poor people in France need to pay reparations to the rich to compensate for their overzealous use of the guillotine. France must dedicate a national holiday of remembrance to the victims, and support programs should be set up for their ancestors, who are no doubt feeling the effects of the injustice to this very day!
-Chinese must pay for spreading the Bubonic plague to Europe through the Silk Road. 1/3 of Europe dead and they didn't get as much as a written apology! Chinese must take mandatory tolerance training classes to fully understand the amount of suffering and racial injustice they are responsible for.
-America must pay for putting the first man on the Moon, and denying other countries the satisfaction and pride from being the ones to do it. Think of the emotional suffering they went through! America must remove all it's spaceships and footprints from the Lunar surface and erase their history books, letting the other nations get their chance to be first!
-Vikings must pay for all the beautiful young women they stole from England, by sending them back. However, since they're no longer alive, they must send back the women's ancestors. Pay up Vikings!
-Romans must pay for enslaving the tribes of Germania and Gaul, conquered in roughly the 1st century AD. Ethnic groups have shifted a lot over the years, this one could be tricky. But Social Justice must be served!
-Greeks must pay for the horrific sack of Troy and the slaughter of the Phoenician people! Dating from the 13th century BC, it will be difficult to find the ancestors of either group to properly make reparations. In fact, enough time has passed that it's likely most Caucasians are partially descended from both groups. Reparations will be made by analyzing your DNA and figuring out how much Trojan and how much Achaean DNA you possess!
-Egyptians must pay for the enslavement of the Jewish people in the 16th century BC! It doesn't matter how much time has passed, there is no statute of limitations on social justice!
-In fact, every group or tribe who has ever won a war in all of human history must pay reparations to whoever lost the war. Any group that has ever taken slaves must pay reparations to the people they enslaved! Although this might seem...impractical at first, I promise you, social justice will find a way!
--Aztecs must be forced to pay years of backed up child support to the wives of the victims of their human sacrifices! Whoever thinks they might be descended from a victim should stand up, and receive their child support payments, compounded over 1000 years at a standard interest rate of 3%. You're getting off easy Aztecs!
-Parents must be forced to stand in the corner and bake cookies for their kids every day. After all, when do parents ever get sent to time out? Social Justice!!!
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We must balance the checkbook of the human race. A lot of injustice has been committed over the years, so we've got a lot of work to do! Historians with the UN will assess your total personal liability for the sins of your ancestors. We'll probably have some big social readjustments after this, but don't worry, we'll get everybody's privilege squared away!
On the plus side, at least Historians will now have something useful to do!
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