Yea, cos we all know that next to girls, teenager boys just love hanging out with their mom on a politics forumOriginally Posted by William Tell
He needs account here.
I quite like this joke... Heard it in different versions but it's still good.An airplane was about to crash, there were 5 famous passengers on board but only 4 parachutes left. The first passenger said, I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me. I can't afford to die... So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hilary Clinton said, “I am the wife of the former president of the US. I am also the Secretary of State. For the sake of international stability, I need a parachute.” She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, President Barack Obama said "I'm president of the United States of America. Our country needs intelligent solutions, and as a former Harvard Law School professor, I am the only person who can offer those solutions. Americans can't afford for me to die.” So he quickly grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
The fourth passenger was the Pope and he turned to the fifth passenger, a Rabbi and said, “I am old and frail so I don't have many years left. As a good Catholic, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute. “
The Rabbi turned to him and said "Thank you but it's really OK.... there are enough parachutes for both of us. America's most intelligent President has just taken my Tallis bag."
"I am a bird"
OMG... I guess I qualify as a redneck!
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. - Hey, when ya gotta go, ya gotta go!!
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. - Yo.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. - I once kept a canoe in my garage for that length of time without using it even once.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. - Yes. Don't ask. Maybe I'll post the video if someone asks politely.
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6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture. - Where do y'all think I *GOT* the furniture??
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. - See above.
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9. You come back from the dump with more than you took. - In college, my apartment was furnished with speakers, a kitchen table, a microwave, a
dresser, and a couple lamps all obtained via "dumpster diving."
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12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. - No joke - When we were kids, my brother and I used to receive ammunition (wrapped in gift wrap, no less) as a Christmas present.
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16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. - I have hauled worse in my car. Much, much, MUCH worse...
17. You have a rag for a gas cap. - Um... yeah, well, I, uh... oh, never mind. And yes, I parked a long way away from any place where anyone smoked.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. - In my bachelor days, the windows of my apartment had no curtains... except my bedroom, where I simply tacked up a nice thick U-Haul blanket pad over the window because I like to sleep in complete darkness.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean. - Hey, some of 'em really are pretty clean... kinda clean... not really filthy at least... um... well, hell, at least *I* didn't have to do the mopping!
20. You can spit without opening your mouth. - Can't everyone?!?!
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22 . Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. - I've actually considered this. For real.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side. - When I was a kid, my parents actually did use these for salad bowls.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. - Well, I did get lost in a Wal-Mart once. Does this count?
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. - Well, I used to have a working stereo sitting on top of my broken stereo. (Y'know, the ones with the speakers acquired from my dumpster-diving days)
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. - I probably would, if I were fancy enough to own an ironing board!
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28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back. - I'm pleading the fifth on this one. Unless you can truly understand how bad that itch was...
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30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65. - True story - I once brought home, cleaned and ate a rabbit I hit with my car.
my favorite redneck tell.. for girls (well unless your name is Katlin)
if you've ever worn a strapless dress, with a bra that's not.... you could be....
Disclaimer: any post made after midnight and before 8AM is made before the coffee dip stick has come up to optomim level - expect some level of silliness,
The problems we face today exist because the people who work for a living are out numbered by those who vote for a living !!!!!!!
A gentlemen from the State board of health was completing his annual inspection and certification of the Sunny Dale Nursing Home. As he walked down the corridor looking for a mentally sound resident to interview, which would conclude the final phase, he came across a spry looking little elderly lady in a bright blue bath robe who was coming out of a room. "Hello there" he said to her. She turns and smiles and replies cheerfully, "well hello to you sir". After introducing himself and learning that she had been residing there for the last five years, and would be pleased to answer his questions. Opening his clipboard and withdrawing his pen he says, "well the first question I have is how is the food?"
With that she perked up and said "the food?" "Hah, that's a joke". And with that she reached into the pocket of her robe and withdrew a small round article which she handed to him and with much urgency in her voice said "here, taste this!" He looked quizzically at it and said "wwhat?" and she again waved her hand "go on, taste that pea!".
Reluctantly, he put the pea in his mouth and bit down on it and chewed it up, and swallowed it. He then looked her in the eye and said "ahhh, yeah I see what you mean". And she nodded and says, "and do you know, it took me FOUR days to pass that thing?"
A priest was giving a homily on enemies one Sunday and asked the congregation if there was anyone who didn't have an enemy. A little old lady in the front row raised her and the priest asked how she lived so long without ever making an enemy. She replied, "Easy, I outlived the bitches."
here's a fairly good one...
A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked, "But have you ever eaten pork?"
"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "And Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.
Finally the rabbi quietly observed, "Beats the $#@! out of a bacon sandwich, doesn't it?"
That depends. Bacon sandwiches are pretty damn good.
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical
clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr.Geezer's clinic.
Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans
about medicine, thought thiswould be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So
he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr.Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth.
Can you please help me ??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring
medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!
You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to
recover his money. Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember
anything." Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3
drops in the patient's mouth." Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is
Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back.
That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after
several more days.
Dr.Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so,
" Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be
$500."
Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can
outsmart an "Old Geezer"*
This one is less funny in print. I heard it in college years ago.
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."
The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"
The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
Oldie but goodie...
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. “T-Square, do your stuff.”
T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
The Accountant said his dog could do better, and said, “Slide Rule, do your stuff.”
Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff.”
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.
The Government Worker called to his dog and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff!”
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers’ Compensation and went home on sick leave.
A really funny joke was Rand's election campaign
That one was hilarious
- Kim KardashianIt's all about taking action and not being lazy. So you do the work, whether it's fitness or whatever. It's about getting up, motivating yourself and just doing it.
Donald Trump / Crenshaw 2024!!!!
My pronouns are he/him/his
TheTexan -repped me for this^^Who'd-a thunk this joke was bad enough to anger someone. Perhaps this fellow has anger issues?
Thread:Just a simple joke.
I don't ever neg rep, but that joke inspired me to start
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel..'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and
goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?
dated but still good...
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