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Thread: Just a simple joke.

  1. #1

    Just a simple joke.

    Not sure where to put this but I wanted to share it. Laughter is good for the soul and body.

    After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.



    When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they ever had in the years they had been married.



    On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.



    Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.



    The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.



    The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"



    "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, ............... But, I fish on Fridays.



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  3. #2
    Nurses never laugh.....










    "Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional.




    In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."









    "Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the




    Smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life.. In




    Length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.









    Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came




    Out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.









    Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as




    Well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came




    Over me. On my honour as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't




    Happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"









    "It's swollen," Bob replied.









    She ran out of the room.






























  4. #3
    One from my Ma.......

    Understanding Political Correctness...or not.

    The federal government, which has “Tomahawk” cruise missiles and "Apache," "Blackhawk," "Kiowa" and "Lakota" helicopters - and used the code name "Geronimo" in the attack that killed Osama bin Laden, officially objects to the name of the Washington Redskins.

    Really???

  5. #4
    "Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need are two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’ll wish you had a club and a spade."

  6. #5

  7. #6
    2nd marriages.....the triumph of hope over experience.

  8. #7

  9. #8



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  11. #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Suzanimal View Post
    ROFLMAO!

  12. #10
    Since this is in Personal Health and Well-being...

    The Onion

    FDA Approves New Drug For Treating Pill Deficiencies

    WASHINGTON—In what is being considered a major breakthrough for the millions of Americans suffering from a severe lack of capsules and tablets, the FDA announced Friday that it had approved a new drug for treating pill deficiencies. “After months of clinical testing, our studies show that regular usage of this drug provides an immediate boost to the number of caplets in the patient’s body,” said FDA spokesperson Anita Brown-Reed, noting that the fast-acting medication is safe for people of all ages who currently experience symptoms of pill shortage, such as seeing just one or two bottles of medicine in their bathroom cabinet or swallowing capsules twice a week or less. “Certainly those with dangerously low levels of pills may need to take a stronger dosage, possibly three or even four of these 500 mg tablets per day, based on their physician’s recommendation. Overall, however, this treatment appears to provide hope for the countless Americans who are currently living with an entire empty row in their pillbox.” Brown-Reed noted, however, that the new pill may leave patients with an increased risk of co-pays.

    http://www.theonion.com/articles/fda...icienci,37784/

  13. #11
    (Pssssst, it's the nail.)

  14. #12
    http://www.backwoodshome.com/humor/jokes151.html

    The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $20 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins. The study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

  15. #13
    Go to the link and listen to the audio, it's in the upper right hand corner. I laughed my ass off.

    Bhutanese passport
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bhutanese_passport

  16. #14
    Quote Originally Posted by Suzanimal View Post
    Go to the link and listen to the audio, it's in the upper right hand corner. I laughed my ass off.

    Bhutanese passport
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bhutanese_passport
    I couldn't get it to play

  17. #15

  18. #16
    Southern Facts
    A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.


    There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

    There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.

    If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

    Onced and Twiced are words.

    It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!

    Jawl-P? means, Did you all go to the bathroom?

    People actually grow, eat and like okra.

    Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do that. (But it could be day after tomorrow.)

    There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.

    Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.

    Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

    The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'

    You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

    You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

    Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural.

    All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

    You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.

    You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco and ketchup.

    The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, the motor sports, and gossip.

    Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss(first name) or Mr.(first name)

    You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

    You know what a hissy fit is..

    Fried catfish is the other white meat.

    We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!

    You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.





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  20. #17
    Lol, Damn straight! ^^^

  21. #18
    Quote Originally Posted by Suzanimal View Post
    Go to the link and listen to the audio, it's in the upper right hand corner. I laughed my ass off.

    Bhutanese passport
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bhutanese_passport
    Quote Originally Posted by navy-vet View Post
    I couldn't get it to play
    They took it down, it was hilarious.

  22. #19
    The Old Cowboy
    <?xml:namespace prefix = "v" ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:vml" />




    Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
    Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
    Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
    When you are over seventy-five who gives a crap?

    ***********

    I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,
    "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your
    hair cut, you'd look all right."
    I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
    When you are over seventy-five who gives a crap?

    ***********

    I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess
    what day a woman was born on just by feeling her boobs.
    "Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
    After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
    I said, "Yesterday."
    When you are over seventy-five who gives a crap?

    ***********

    I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
    The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
    When you are over seventy-five who gives a crap?

    ***********

    I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing
    on a table. I said, "Good legs."
    The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
    I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed
    by now."
    When you are over seventy-five who gives a crap?

  23. #20
    Quote Originally Posted by Suzanimal View Post
    They took it down
    Turn that frown upside-down.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?...ldid=643029124

  24. #21
    A classic one that I had heard a few months ago... <warning, contains adult language>


    A man and his friends step up to the bar and order their drinks.


    A moment later, a seemingly beligerant drunk staggers up to one of the men, a yells, "I had sex with your mom, and she is one sweet piece of ass!"


    Not getting so much as an acknowledgement from the man he has just yelled at, the drunk hobbles back to his seat.


    Several minutes later, the 3 men at the bar order their second round, and the drunk man returns bellowing "Your mom is the best $#@! in town! I know because I $#@!ed her!"


    All the patrons in the bar wait with nervous anticipation, but the tension quickly dissipates as the drunk returns back to his stool without any confrontation.


    The 3 men finally order their 3rd round, and this time the drunk is too inebriated to leave his seat. Still, the drunk yells at the man from across the bar, "I just $#@!ed your mom last night, and she liked it!"


    This time the man responds back to the drunk stating, "Go home, dad... you're drunk".

    Gulag Chief:
    "Article 58-1a, twenty five years... What did you get it for?"
    Gulag Prisoner: "For nothing at all."
    Gulag Chief: "You're lying... The sentence for nothing at all is 10 years"



  25. #22
    Quote Originally Posted by helmuth_hubener View Post
    YAY!!!! I just listened to it again.

  26. #23
    Quote Originally Posted by brushfire View Post
    A classic one that I had heard a few months ago... <warning, contains adult language>


    A man and his friends step up to the bar and order their drinks.


    A moment later, a seemingly beligerant drunk staggers up to one of the men, a yells, "I had sex with your mom, and she is one sweet piece of ass!"


    Not getting so much as an acknowledgement from the man he has just yelled at, the drunk hobbles back to his seat.


    Several minutes later, the 3 men at the bar order their second round, and the drunk man returns bellowing "Your mom is the best $#@! in town! I know because I $#@!ed her!"


    All the patrons in the bar wait with nervous anticipation, but the tension quickly dissipates as the drunk returns back to his stool without any confrontation.


    The 3 men finally order their 3rd round, and this time the drunk is too inebriated to leave his seat. Still, the drunk yells at the man from across the bar, "I just $#@!ed your mom last night, and she liked it!"


    This time the man responds back to the drunk stating, "Go home, dad... you're drunk".

  27. #24
    Quote Originally Posted by Suzanimal View Post
    YAY!!!! I just listened to it again.
    meeeeeee tooooooooooo
    wth?



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  29. #25

  30. #26
    May I tell my favorite sexist joke without offending the oversensitive?

  31. #27
    Quote Originally Posted by tod evans View Post
    May I tell my favorite sexist joke without offending the oversensitive?
    Since when does tod evans care about "offending the oversensitive"? What have you done to tod evans????



    Seriously, tell the damn joke.




    With all this build up, it better be a really bad one.

  32. #28
    Why did God make women 30% smarter than cows?




















    So when ya' play with their tits they don't $#@! on the floor...

    Ta-dum....

  33. #29
    Here's one of Mr. Animal's favorite jokes. He tells me to mind my stance every time we play golf.


    A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

  34. #30
    Quote Originally Posted by tod evans View Post
    May I tell my favorite sexist joke without offending the oversensitive?
    Ah, you didn't do it right... Here:

    Why do women have smaller feet than men?

    It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
    "And now that the legislators and do-gooders have so futilely inflicted so many systems upon society, may they finally end where they should have begun: May they reject all systems, and try liberty; for liberty is an acknowledgment of faith in God and His works." - Bastiat

    "It is difficult to free fools from the chains they revere." - Voltaire

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