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Thread: Sunday Morning Sit Down Stand Up Comedy

  1. #91
    'We're the best thing that ever happened to Assad.'--Donald Trump

    'I don't want to just repeal [Obamacare], I want to replace it.'--Marco Rubio

    '[The people of the middle east] would rather have U.S. leadership, but given a choice between no leadership and Putin leadership they'll choose Putin leadership.'--Marco Rubio

    I think Catholic and Christian philosophy has always concerned itself with [economic] fairness...--Bill Di Blasio, defending socialism

    'The theory of Hillary is always better than the reality of Hillary running in the race.'--Matthew Dowd

    'I think [Joe Biden] should run because I think it will be good for him--I think it will be cathartic for him--and I think he will bring some fun to this race.'--Ana Navarro

    'This week, the consensus winner of the GOP debate--Carly Fiorina--only on Fox News Sunday.'--Chris Wallace

    'I think if [the pope] knew me he would like me... I think he's a little bit different a kind of a pope and it's nice.'--Donald Trump

    'I would not advocate putting a Muslim in charge of this nation.'--Ben Carson

    'Those [women's health services not including abortion] are important and should be expanded.'--Carly Fiorina

    '256,000 baby boomers will retire from the federal government in the next eight years. I will not replace a single one.'--Carly Fiorina

    'I'm not going to blame Washington, because remember we elect those people.'--Chase CEO Jamie Dimon

    'What the American people also don't feel is that they send their money to Washington and some of it might not be properly used.'--Jamie Dimon

    '[Putin] has destabilized a huge arc of the world from Syria to Germany.'--Charles Lane

    'And Obama's fecklessness. Let's don't forget that.'--Karl Rove

    'If you sort it all out, it's a mixed picture.'--Hillary Clinton, on whether Dubya kept us safe

    'Now I'm being as transparent as possible--more than anybody else ever has been.'--Hillary Clinton

    'It's time to say that the debate about the Affordable Care Act is over.'--Hillary Clinton

    'I cannot imagine anyone being more of an outsider than the first woman president.'--Hillary Clinton

    'Arming both sides was a mistake.'--Rand Paul

    'I think we need to go back to first causes in these wars and not throw gasoline on the fire.'--Rand Paul

    'You wonder why outsiders are doing well in the polls? It's because Republicans in Congress are doing nothing to reign in spending.'--Rand Paul

    'I ran for Congress because I didn't like the way things were going... Right now people are upset and not happy with the way things are going and I'm one of them.'--Rand Paul

    'Hillary Clinton has been at the center of American political life for a quarter of a century... Of course she's not an outsider.'--Peggy Noonan

    'Trump was tired, repetitive, not very impressive... boring.'--Michael Gerson

    So, what have we learned today? You can hear all about the reason we're fighting on both sides of Syria's civil war and Russia is once again a major player is the middle east is because we haven't jacked with them enough, and the fact that Syria is buying Russian anti-aircraft missiles to protect their sovereign airspace is an affront to the United States, and that by popping up late and selling a few anti-aircraft weapons Putin has destabilized two continents, but when we armed both sides of a civil war we simply didn't do enough in our fecklessness. You can learn that you should be more concerned with who isn't running for the Democratic nomination than who is. You can learn that when the pope says the rich steal too much of the wealth that means Jesus was a socialist, and what is of Caesar really is of God. You can learn that when the mainstream media says someone won a debate, that's the consensus. Neither the leading candidate for the GOP nomination nor the CEO of Chase can string a coherent sentence through to the period at the end, but we should believe one when he says that bribing three quarters of Congress doesn't make him an insider, and the other when he says that when we vote for the people his bank pays the media to tell us to vote for and they turn out to be insane that's entirely on us. You can learn that when the government does something from foreign intervention to domestic health care and does it wrong, that never means that the government should have done nothing at all.

    Or, you can turn off the television and listen to Rand Paul. And breathe a huge sigh of relief. Four hours of Sunday morning blather, and only eight minutes of it made any sense at all.

    Must Not Be Mentioned this week: O'Malley, Chaffee, Webb, Jindal, Graham, Pataki and Santorum.
    Last edited by acptulsa; 09-21-2015 at 06:21 AM.
    "Stupidity got us into this mess. Why can't it get us out?"--Will Rogers

    "All I know is what I read in the newspapers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance."--Will Rogers



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  3. #92
    'I think it's evidence that [the American people] are listening less to the pundits and strating to think for themselves...'--Ben Carson

    '...anyone who's an outsider, whether it's Ted Cruz or someone on the House side...'--Newt Gingrich

    'We've been seeing Donald Trump raise his voice, insulting people, and he says nothing. Nothing. And I think that's why he's fading.'--Donna Brazile

    'There's no other solution for the Syrian crisis than to strengthen the existing government structure and helping them fight terrorism.'--Vladimir Putin

    'Is it the analysts that are getting the intelligence wrong, or is it getting politicized somewhere in the process?'--Devin Nunes

    'I don't think this pope's liberalism is going to help liberals much.'--William Kristol

    'Republicans love to scandalize everything about the Clintons, but I think this one is largely self-inflicted.'--Donna Brazile

    'These polls don't matter. They don't filter out the people who aren't going to vote.'--Jeb Bush

    'So I'm not going to sit here and say I make up my mind. That's the Republicans. They make up their minds.'--Hillary Clinton

    'If you add up the five outsiders--Carson, Trump, Fiorina, Paul and Cruz...'--Rep. Mick Mulvaney

    '[Planned Parenthood] is a political slush fund in addition to butchery.'--Carly Fiorina, talking about their contributions to Democratic candidates

    'I don't want to leave my successor a dirty barn.'--John Boehner

    '[The pope] said really nice words to me. I won't repeat them because then I really will cry.'--John Boehner

    'I think the power of money over the political process is horrendous.'--Bernie Sanders

    'I think debates are a good way for candidates to differentiate their differences.'--Bernie Sanders

    'The next Speaker may not be a thick-skinned as he was.'--Nancy Cordes

    'The last six Speakers all left on their own accord.'--Susan Page, apparently unaware that the last Speaker got his ass primaried

    'I've been a reformer all of my life.'--John Kasich

    'Nobody has shaken up the system more than I have.'--John Kasich

    If we assume Mick Mulvaney either didn't get The Memo or (bless his heart) just ignored it, the Must Not Be Named list this week is lengthy: Chaffee, Christie, Graham, Huckabee, Jindal, O'Malley, Pataki, Paul, Santorum and Webb. No mention of Christie this week. Apparently they've decided he can drop out now without anyone noticing that Rand Paul really did drive him out.

    Nice to see not only Mulvaney but Newt admitting that a sitting Senator can be an outsider. Mulvaney obviously didn't get the memo, but what's Gingrich's excuse?
    Last edited by acptulsa; 09-27-2015 at 11:28 AM.
    "Stupidity got us into this mess. Why can't it get us out?"--Will Rogers

    "All I know is what I read in the newspapers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance."--Will Rogers

  4. #93
    '[The pope] said really nice words to me. I won't repeat them because then I really will cry.'--John Boehner
    LOL I would have tuned in for that! He's a real ugly crier. Almost as bad as Claire Danes.



    http://www.zerohedge.com/news/2015-09-25/farewell-weep

    'If you add up the five outsiders--Carson, Trump, Fiorina, Paul and Cruz...'--Rep. Mick Mulvaney
    Funny, I only see two outsiders listed. Fiorina is a neocon princess, Cruz is married to a Goldman Sachs banktsa who also worked for GWB's NSA, and as for Trump, well let's just say if the government was the mob, he'd be a made man.
    Based on the idea of natural rights, government secures those rights to the individual by strictly negative intervention, making justice costless and easy of access; and beyond that it does not go. The State, on the other hand, both in its genesis and by its primary intention, is purely anti-social. It is not based on the idea of natural rights, but on the idea that the individual has no rights except those that the State may provisionally grant him. It has always made justice costly and difficult of access, and has invariably held itself above justice and common morality whenever it could advantage itself by so doing.
    --Albert J. Nock

  5. #94
    'I think I'm probably going to wind up paying more--I don't know.'--Donald Trump, after saying both that he would pay more tax under his tax plan, and that he and everyone else will pay less, on This Week

    'Assad's a bad guy, but they're all bad guys.'--Donald Trump

    'I have a bigger heart than you do.'--Donald Trump

    '...winning every state and every national poll, and bigly.'--[I]Donald Trump[/I

    'The problem's not what's in the hand, it's what's in the head.'--Tom Cole on gun control

    '...get tougher on mental illness.'--Chris Christie, after explaining that the only problem with gun control in Washington and Chicago is it isn't enforced

    'I'd rather jump off the Brooklyn Bridge than be in Congress.'--Chris Christie

    'I think Bernie Sanders has made a great contribution to this race by speaking to what people feel.'--A talking head who just never said something like that about Rand Paul

    'This is the most serious and direct challenge to America's global position in decades.'--Meghan O'Sullivan, who did not say whether it isn't about time we got a reality check

    After [he was shot] Reagan was changed physiologically and psychologically.'--Bill O'Reilly, plugging his new book

    'I can bridge the gap between some of the more centrist members and some of the more hard right members.'--Jason Chaffertz

    'To say that there are crazy people and stuff is happening is to abdicate government's responsibility.'--Ruth Somebody whose identity Bleats the Press seems to want to keep a secret

    'We are going to get bogged down in Syria--you look at the Soviet Union, they got bogged down in Afghanistan and they went bankrupt--the Soviet Union went bankrupt.'--Donald Trump

    'I like that Putin is bombing the hell out of ISIS, and it's gonna be ISIS.'--Donald Trump

    'We are fighting Assad, and we are fighting for people that, we don't know who they are. And they could be worse.'--Donald Trump

    'This [GOP] field is fluid--very fluid.'--Chuck Todd

    '[Obama] wants the kind of gun control they have in Australia where you just go in and confiscate the guns. You couldn't push that through here if the Democrats controlled both houses of Congress. I think it's a quixotic mission.'--Brit Hume

    No Faze the Nation this week, because nothing is more important to this nation than two second-rate NFL teams playing on a London soccer field. Those Who Must Not Be Named this week: Chaffee, Cruz, Graham, Huckabee, Jindal, O'Malley, Pataki, Paul, Rubio, Santorum and Webb. Because nothing is more important than spending ten minutes speculating about the creepiest clown of all, Joe Biden. And so it goes.
    Last edited by acptulsa; 10-04-2015 at 09:42 AM.
    "Stupidity got us into this mess. Why can't it get us out?"--Will Rogers

    "All I know is what I read in the newspapers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance."--Will Rogers

  6. #95
    'What we [the Congressional Freedom Caucus] want is what the American people want.'--Rep. Dave Brat, on Bleats the Press

    The media is willing to admit that Paul Ryan has problems, but you sure can't tell from listening to them that anyone else at all is in the running for Speaker. Newt Gingrich is blaming this uproar in the House on the elimination of earmarks. No adult conversations today. Case in point...

    'Cruz is essentially an outsider.'--Newt Gingrich

    How can that be justified? And how does a Senator come up in a conversation about the Speaker of the House position?

    'The House is supposed to be in turmoil. The founding fathers designed it that way. It's supposed to be the most responsive to the gusts and eddies of public opinion.'--George Will

    'Syria is a quagmire within a quagmire.'--Bernie Sanders

    'Nominating Hillary Clinton would be like launching a nitro glycerine juggling marathon for the Democratic Party.'--Hugh Hewitt

    Not to be Named this week: Chaffee, O'Malley and Webb (though ABC did show their faces without names, while talking about Biden), Graham, Huckabee, Pataki, Santorum, Fiorina believe it or not, and everyone who is in the running for Speaker of the House except Ryan. One House member did mention Rand Paul; I guess he didn't get the memo.
    Last edited by acptulsa; 10-11-2015 at 10:21 AM.
    "Stupidity got us into this mess. Why can't it get us out?"--Will Rogers

    "All I know is what I read in the newspapers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance."--Will Rogers

  7. #96
    no talk about murdering doctors?

    thanks for keeping this thread alive and saving me from watching this crap.
    Seattle Sounders 2016 MLS Cup Champions 2019 MLS Cup Champions - and the [un]official football club of RPF



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  9. #97
    The Meet The Press segment on the speakership is worth finding and watching, just to see the spectacle. Highly entertaining.
    The more prohibitions you have,
    the less virtuous people will be.
    The more weapons you have,
    the less secure people will be.
    The more subsidies you have,
    the less self-reliant people will be.

    Therefore the Master says:
    I let go of the law,
    and people become honest.
    I let go of economics,
    and people become prosperous.
    I let go of religion,
    and people become serene.
    I let go of all desire for the common good,
    and the good becomes common as grass.

    -Tao Te Ching, Section 57

  10. #98
    'Like the founding fathers said, "If men were angels..." but men aren't angels, so we need regulations.'--Ben Carson

    'Sometimes it is said that man cannot be trusted with the government of himself. Can he, then, be trusted with the government of others? Or have we found angels in the form of kings to govern him? Let history answer this question.' --Thomas Jefferson saying pretty much the exact opposite of what Ben Carson intimated the founders said

    '...why they're working longer hours for lower wages, why we have massive income inequality...'Bernie Sanders, talking about 'our rape economy' but inexplicably not mentioning the Fed and inflation.

    'We'll come up with that [tax] rate, but it will be a damned lot higher than it is now.'--Bernie Sanders

    'I didn't say [no tax hikes for those below the top one percent].'--Bernie Sanders

    '...there will be no COLA for our seniors on Social Security. I think that's absurd.'--Bernie Sanders again failing to talk about the Fed and the hazards to the poor of unsound money

    'We're not there to nation build and turn Afghanistan into a mini America, but to provide assistance in fighting our common enemy in ISIS and Al Qaeda'--Tulsi Gabbard (D-Hi) claiming that ISIS is in Afghanistan

    'I support the president's decision to stay, but I think this could have been predicted two years ago...'--Adam Kinsinger (R-Il) supposedly providing a counterpoint to Gabbard but agreeing with her in every respect except whether Obama deserves to be lambasted for saying two years ago we'd be out of Afghanistan by now

    'I think we saw two candidates in the debates...'--Katrina vanden Heusel talking about a debate that five candidates participated in

    '[Sanders is] not just expanding the electorate. He's expanding the horizons of what is possible.'--Katrina vanden Heusel

    'I wanna be unpredictable...'--Donald Trump

    'I think we have the highest tax rate in the world. In the entire world, we have the highest tax rate.'--Donald Trump

    'I'm not cutting services but I'm cutting spending.'--Donald Trump promoting his own version of Reaganomics

    'OK. The Wall St. Journal was bought for five billion dollars. It's now worth five hundred million dollars. So I don't want the Wall St. Journal to tell me what to do.'--Donald Trump

    'If someone has a property in the middle of a seven thousand job factory... in a town which is dying, of which we have many... I am in favor of that.'--Donald Trump saying the opposite of what he's trying to say about emminent domain

    'It wasn't even close that Libya was more stable [under Khaddafi]'--Marco Rubio

    'About bankruptcy. I used that as a tool. I never filed bankruptcy.'--Donald Trump

    'I don't think Bin Ghazi is as big a problem for [Hillary Clinton] as her past.--Donald Trump channeling Yogi Berra

    'But when I looked at the transcript of [the Trump interview] and looked at the actual words coming out of his mouth, none of it makes any sense.'--Charles Lane

    'Nixon was actually forced to resign by the Republicans... Too many crimes, too many lies.'--Bob Woodward, speaking of a time when partisanship still involved cleaning up one's own house

    'There's an understanding between the military and the Commander in Chief... you do your job, and I'll do mine. And part of the Commander's job is to protect the military and not use them to drop tons of bombs in order to win re-election.'--Bob Woodward condemning Dubya, intentionally or not

    Candidates Who Must Not Be Named this week: Santorum, Huckabee, Pataki. Kashich, and those other three Democrats that I heard somewhere were in the Democratic debate, though you couldn't confirm it by listening to the media. Rand Paul did not make the list; he is being both attacked and laughed at with a sort of desperation that is both disgusting and heartwarming. We might have finally made it past the 'first they ignore you...' stage.
    Last edited by acptulsa; 10-19-2015 at 07:22 AM.
    "Stupidity got us into this mess. Why can't it get us out?"--Will Rogers

    "All I know is what I read in the newspapers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance."--Will Rogers

  11. #99
    'I think that a lot of people find [Donald Trump] entertaining. But not me so much.'--John Podesta

    'There are many places where we have maintained a presence--South Korea, Germany, Japan. The difference here is the Afghans want us here.'--Gen. John Campbell

    'There are two different ways you can say I don't know.'--John Heilemann desperately trying to turn the Trump/Carson religious spat into something resembling a newsworthy story.

    'Marco Rubio will have his chance to be the Establishment candidate. No question.'--Mark Halperin

    If you like your Medicare you can keep your Medicare--Paraphrasing Ben Carson. How much Medicare will lose if only those whose health savings accounts are insufficient to their particular illnesses use it he did not say.

    'So, the presence of TV cameras adds to the grandstanding on both sides of the aisle?'--Chuck Todd
    'Heh. What do you think, Chuck?'--Rep. Trey Gowdy, SC

    Never saw a superPAC commercial for a specific candidate during one of the Sunday morning blather shows before, but just saw one for Bush. I guess Fox decided to stop pretending they have no conflicts of interest.

    'Together we can drain the swamp...'--Ben Carson in a commercial reading a script that directly 'borrows' from a 2012 Iowa Ron Paul commercial

    'The other is the Des Moines Register, a totally liberal newspaper which is third rate. No one respects it in Iowa.'--Donald Trump, apparently confusing the Register with one of the news outlets Murdoch took over

    'I think this is much more about [Bernie Sanders] trying to change the dynamics of the Democratic Party than trying to hurt Hillary Clinton.'--One of the Bleats the Press panelists who must not be named

    'I am disavowing all PACs. I am self-funding my campaign... I don't want any money.'--Donald Trump

    'I'm not going to say, but I will tell you.'--Donald Trump

    Getting pumped this week: Marco Rubio
    Last edited by acptulsa; 10-25-2015 at 10:26 AM.
    "Stupidity got us into this mess. Why can't it get us out?"--Will Rogers

    "All I know is what I read in the newspapers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance."--Will Rogers

  12. #100
    'We need to mature in the way we hold these debates if they're to be useful to the American people.'--Ben Carson making sense

    'We need to give Ukraine offensive weapons.'--Ben Carson making nice with the neocons

    '[Jeb Bush] looked like the nerd at the party trying to get along with the cool kids--and failing.'--Van Jones

    'Our party has not been a successful propositions party.'--Paul Ryan

    'That's not a criticism of John Boehner. That's a criticism of the way this job has been done.'--Paul Ryan, after criticizing John Boehner

    'I am the most unknown, or the least well known of the candidates.'--Carly Fiorina pretending she didn't get surged

    'That debate was a really weird debate.'--Jeb Bush

    'Innocent life should be protected at all cost for sure.'--Jeb Bush, brother of the most blood soaked U.S. president since FDR

    'These two guys--Bush and Rubio--are the two Republicans with the best shot at winning the general election.'--Helene Cooper

    'Is Jeb really so electable?'--Chuck Todd

    'I don't know that he is.'--Helene Cooper, obviously feeling like an idiot after parroting the Official Propaganda

    'Marco Rubio is about to have his moment in the sunlight, and I'm anxious to see if he can come out if it unscathed.'--Helene Cooper telling us who's slated to get surged next

    'The whole idea of no boots on the ground is absurd.'--Helene Cooper further blurring the line between Democrats like herself and neocons

    'Blitzing Matthew Stafford is like taking Halloween candy from a baby.'--Jimmy Johnson during the midst of the most propaganda-free, and best all around Fox Sunday morning blatherfest in years (during halftime of the Chiefs-Lions game in London)

    'I think big government displaces what we call civil society.'--Paul Ryan saying something on Faze the Nation that he did not already say on This Week and Bleats the Press

    'Paul Sanger is signaling that he thinks [Marco Rubio] is a good investment, so it becomes a reality that it's a good investment.'--Jonathan Martin trying to make Rubio's manufactured surge look organic and spontaneous

    Who must not be named? Too many to list. If you ain't Clinton, Bush, Sanders, Carson, Trump,Rubio the Surge Boy, or Cruz, you ain't nobody. Though if you're Fiorina you can still get a camera pointed at you, and if you're Steny Hoyer you're actually allowed to say Martin O'Malley's name out loud.
    Last edited by acptulsa; 11-01-2015 at 11:22 AM.
    "Stupidity got us into this mess. Why can't it get us out?"--Will Rogers

    "All I know is what I read in the newspapers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance."--Will Rogers

  13. #101
    Fauci was on Faze the Nation this morning. He was admitting to doing so many things wrong, welcoming the upcoming "9/11 Commission-style" whitewash, and blaming all his failures on those pesky states' rights thingies.

    The Tenth Amendment seems to deeply offend him.
    "Stupidity got us into this mess. Why can't it get us out?"--Will Rogers

    "All I know is what I read in the newspapers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance."--Will Rogers

  14. #102
    dp
    "Stupidity got us into this mess. Why can't it get us out?"--Will Rogers

    "All I know is what I read in the newspapers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance."--Will Rogers

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