lmao!Originally Posted by Acala
that's a great one.
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What do you call 3 Irishmen sitting on the front lawn?
Fertilizer.
How do you $#@! a fat girl?
Roll her in flour and go for the wet spot
What do you call a fat girl with a yeast infection?
a Whopper with cheese.
How do you know when a prostitute is full?
Her nose is running.
I heard the punch line say:
i DO TO BUT i DON'T THINK HE WOULD LET ME...
I suppose that would work just as well, or perhaps even better.
Something along the lines of: "So do I, but I doubt he would let me."
A Battalion commander (Lt Colonel) in the U.S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was work and how much of it was pleasure?
The X.O. (Major) chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
The Logistics officer (captain) said it was 50-50.
The colonel's aide, (lieutenant) responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was making the coffee. What was his opinion?
Without hesitation, the young private responded, "Sir, it absolutely has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir," the enlisted man said, "if there was any work involved, you officers would have me doing it for you."
CPT Jack. R. T.
US Army Resigned - Iraq Vet.
Level III MACP instructor, USYKA/WYKKO sensei
Professional Hunter/Trapper/Country living survivalist.
A recent survey suggested that over 90% of women kiss with their eyes closed
No wonder it's so hard to catch a rapist.
No matter how much you give a homeless person for coffee.... you never get that coffee.
Hell yea they are!OP-are politically incorrect jokes allowed in here? I have more of those off my head than clean ones.
(Im still reading thru all the jokes on here so havent picked a winner yet...)
1776 > 1984
The FAILURE of the United States Government to operate and maintain an Honest Money System , which frees the ordinary man from the clutches of the money manipulators, is the single largest contributing factor to the World's current Economic Crisis.
The Elimination of Privacy is the Architecture of Genocide
Belief, Money, and Violence are the three ways all people are controlled
- What's the difference between a neoconservative and a trampoline? When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.
- How many public union activists does it take to paint a house? It depends on how hard you throw them.
- What gets louder as it gets smaller? A politician in a trash compactor.
Last edited by Gaius1981; 02-19-2011 at 03:26 AM.
We have a Winner! +REP
This is definitely my favorite! Some damn good ones in there, even if they are just $#@!ed up!
---
A Marine General, an Air Force General, and a Navy Admiral are all arguing about which branch of the Military has the most Courage.
The Marine General proclaims that Marines definitely have the most courage because they are willing to die at any time for their country. He calls over to the the nearest PFC and yells to him "You! Private! Shoot yourself in the head!" The PFC responds immediately "Sir! Yes Sir! Right away Sir!" and proceeds to shoot himself in the head, and unsurprisingly dies instantly.
The Marine General boasts "Now thats Courage!" to the other two high ranking officers standing there.
The Air Force General responds "Bah! Thats nothing! He didn't even feel it! Watch this!" and calls to the nearest aircraft and orders the pilot to jump out without his parachute. The Pilot responds immediately "Sir! Yes Sir! Right away Sir!" and jumps from his perfectly good aircraft and falls several thousand feet to his imminent death.
The Air Force General gloats "Now thats Courage!".
The Admiral just shakes his head in disbelief, and says "Ok, watch this guys." He calls down to the first Seaman Recruit he sees and shouts to him "You! Seaman Recruit! Go get me a cup of coffee!" and pauses, "Now!". The two Generals look at each other with a puzzled look on their faces as the Seaman Recruit rudely responds to his Admiral "$#@! you! Get your own $#@!ing coffee! $#@!head!".
The Admiral looks back to the two Generals with a glare in his eye and says "Now thats Courage!"
---
There is some good stuff in here. Should we keep this thread going?
1776 > 1984
The FAILURE of the United States Government to operate and maintain an Honest Money System , which frees the ordinary man from the clutches of the money manipulators, is the single largest contributing factor to the World's current Economic Crisis.
The Elimination of Privacy is the Architecture of Genocide
Belief, Money, and Violence are the three ways all people are controlled
Chuck went to vegas with his family and while he was there he made a $100 sportsbet. He won, but decided he'd been lucky. Still he found a fascination with it.
So he decided he'd learn a little, and before he got done with the book he'd checked out at the library about it he was hooked. It was all he could do to finish it before he rushed out to find a bookmaker.
Pretty soon he had a place to make bets, and so this time he placed two. $100 each on two football games. The book he had read had given him some tips on finding the edge in football, and he'd watched quite a bit of the game himself, so he thought that'd be a good place for his money.
Well Sunday came around, and once the games were done he had lost both bets. So he was out the $100 he'd won in Vegas, plus a hundred more dollars. Dejected, Chuck thought and he thought about what he was going to do. Finally he thought, 'In Vegas I got lucky, and here I got a little unlucky. But before I put down any more money, I'm really gonna figure out this sportsbetting stuff.'
So he went back to the library and checked out a few more books. He learned about statistics, off-nights, and home field advantages. And then he watched games, this time basketball. It was his favorite sport, and one he thought he could learn all about. For a whole basketball season, he watched every game he could. And then, just when the time looked right, he placed his bets. They were sure fire he thought - 4 bets of $100 each on 4 different games. But when the games came around, he'd lost all four bets, and was now out $500.
This time Chuck was upset. He knew he'd gotten very unlucky, and was determined as ever to get his money back. This time he'd choose his ace in the hole - baseball - a game he'd played himself. He knew it inside and out already - but this time it wasn't enough. Without rest, Chuck studied the game like a religion. He taped and rewatched them all. He barely ate, he barely slept. He made charts, built computer programs to calculate probabilities, studied statistics, and more. And then finally, he knew he was ready - so he placed 8 bets of $100 each on 8 different games.
He had been so consumed and so was now so emotionally invested that he couldn't watch the games himself. But the day after his final bet was over, his bookie called him.
'Chuck, I've got bad news. You lost all your bets and you owe me $1300.'
'Damn,' Chuck said. 'I was so sure of those bets! I'm the unluckiest guy in the world. Give me one more bet, double or nothing. Put it all on one more baseball game - tonight. If I lose, I pay you tomorrow.'
'There's no baseball tonight. And besides, you lost 8 baseball bets, you really wanna bet baseball?'
'Alright basketball,' Chuck replied.
'No basketball either. And besides, you lost 4 basketball bets. You really wanna bet basketball?'
'Alright make it a football bet then,' Chuck said.
'It's wednesday, there's no football. And besides, you lost the football bet. You really wanna bet football?'
'Fine.' Chuck said, 'What else you got?'
'Well, there's 3 hockey games you can bet on.'
'HOCKEY?' said Chuck, exasperated: 'WHAT THE HELL DO I KNOW ABOUT HOCKEY?'
Last edited by nayjevin; 02-19-2011 at 04:58 AM.
I'm a moderator, and I'm glad to help. But I'm an individual -- my words come from me. Any idiocy within should reflect on me, not Ron Paul, and not Ron Paul Forums.
Why do mothers have ugly children?
Why don't you go ask your mother.
What do you tell a tramp with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice.
Bunkloco
how do you get a one-armed pollack out of a tree?
Wave at him
What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus?
I don't know, but it can sure pick lettuce!
Why did the Jews wander the desert for 40 years?
Someone dropped a quarter
What happens when a jew with an erection walks into a wall?
he breaks his nose
Ok, well since it looks like some people wanna keep the thread going, I'll give another +REP in a couple of days, starting this set from post #69 by Gaius1981 (just to be fair to him since I didnt read his before I picked a winner) and just continue on from there.
---
How do you catch a Unique Wabbit? Unique up on it! (unique = 'you neek', like 'you sneak' but without the 's', the way a young child would pronounce it)
How do you catch a Tame Wabbit? Tame way!
1776 > 1984
The FAILURE of the United States Government to operate and maintain an Honest Money System , which frees the ordinary man from the clutches of the money manipulators, is the single largest contributing factor to the World's current Economic Crisis.
The Elimination of Privacy is the Architecture of Genocide
Belief, Money, and Violence are the three ways all people are controlled
What do you call a Deer with no eyes?
No ideer.
What do you call a deer with on eyes and no legs?
Still no ideer.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter, It won't come when you call it anyway.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef.
Liberty is lost through complacency and a subservient mindset. When we accept or even welcome automobile checkpoints, random searches, mandatory identification cards, and paramilitary police in our streets, we have lost a vital part of our American heritage. America was born of protest, revolution, and mistrust of government. Subservient societies neither maintain nor deserve freedom for long.
Ron Paul 2004
Registered Ron Paul supporter # 2202
It's all about Freedom
Why do women have two sets of lips?
So that they can piss and moan at the same time!
So, a blonde housewife is feeling extremely depressed and angry about her life in general. Her husband tells her that he's been cheating on her. She gets out her gun and points it at her own head. Her husband says, "no, don't do it!", and the blonde says, "Shut up! You're next!":collins:
Okay, guess I upset some Marines. LOL
It's an old Navy tradition.......
A Marine and a Sailor walk into the head together. The Sailor unbuttons the 13 buttons on his fly and relieves himself. The Marine having a zipper on his fly is already finished relieving himself and is washing his hands. The Sailor having buttoned up his fly begins walking toward the restroom door, when the Marine says; "Hey Swabby, in boot camp they taught us to wash our hands after taking a leak." The Sailor replies; "In boot camp, they taught us not to piss on our hands."
I'm not good at jokes, but every time I think about the headline, "Trump wins republican nomination for 2012", I just laugh myself silly.
Maxed out to ALL of Ron Paul's campaigns.
Listen to Liberty Tree Radio! ::
Pro-Liberty, Pro-Gun, Pro-Militia Radio 5 days a week, 10 LIVE HRS TALK RADIO PER DAY!
http://www.libertytreeradio.4mg.com
http://www.themicroeffect.com (8A - 11A EST daily)
http://www.live365.com/stations/edtheak47 (3 PM- 9 PM EST daily)
Organize, Arm, Equip, and Train as a Militia !
Good $#@! guys! Keep em comin!
1776 > 1984
The FAILURE of the United States Government to operate and maintain an Honest Money System , which frees the ordinary man from the clutches of the money manipulators, is the single largest contributing factor to the World's current Economic Crisis.
The Elimination of Privacy is the Architecture of Genocide
Belief, Money, and Violence are the three ways all people are controlled
- So a guy comes into a bar ...
- Oh wait it was a giraffe!
- So a guy comes into a giraffe ...
A bum is sitting in an English pub when a gentleman enters. The bum asks the gentleman if he would buy him a drink but instead the gentleman tells him he will buy him a drink if he will listen to a little story. The bum agrees and the gentleman tells his story.
"An equestrian, a cyclist and a pedestrian were traveling down the road when from the other direction a young lady approaches. With which of the three was she acquainted?"
The bum thinks about this for quite some time and finally the gentleman says, "The answer is quite simple, the horseman knew her."
The bum laughed and laugh while drinking his drink. The gentleman leaves the pub and another man enters. The bum walks up to him and says; "I'll tell you a story if you'll buy me a drink." The man agrees and the bum tells his story.
"A man on a horse, another on a bicycle and one on foot are going down the road and from the other direction a woman approaches. Which of the three coming toward her did she know?"
The man thinks for a few seconds and the bum starts laughing, "Ha ha ha, you'll never guess, the answer's horse $#@!."
A father wants to keep his son from sleeping around with women. So, he tells his son, "they have teeth down there, son". The thought of the scares the daylights out of the boy, and he remains abstinent till he meets his wife. On the wedding night, the fellow's wife gets naked in their bed and summons him to her. "oh no!," he says, "you have teeth down there!" His wife laughs and invites him to inspect down there. After a thorough investigation, the fellow says, "you don't have any teeth, but your gums are in terrible condition!"
Take my wife...please.
She gives great headache.
One day, Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What's wrong, Adam?"
"I don't have anyone to talk to, God," Adam replied.
So God said, "I'm going to give you a companion, and she will be called a 'Woman.' This Woman will cook for you and wash your clothes. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and she will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and she will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."
Adam asked God, "How much would this Woman cost me?"
God said, "An arm and a leg."
So Adam asked, "Um...what can I get for just a rib?"
And the rest is history.
"Then David said to the Philistine, 'You come to me with a sword, a spear, and a javelin, but I come to you in the name of Yahweh of hosts, the God of the battle lines of Israel, Whom you have reproached.'" - 1 Samuel 17:45
"May future generations look back on our work and say that these were men and women who, in moment of great crisis, stood up to their politicians, the opinion-makers, and the Establishment, and saved their country." - Dr. Ron Paul
The Nuns at a convent went to town to buy supplies. On their way back, their automobile ran out of fuel and they had to walk down the road a quarter mile to a gasoline station to get more. When they got there, they were told, all there was to contain the gasoline for the trip back to the automobile was an old bedpan.
The nuns after transporting the bedpan full of gasoline back to their automobile were carefully pouring it's contents into the fuel tank when a Priest and a Rabbi, sharing a ride back to the hotel from a conference, saw them.
The Priest looked over at the Rabbi and said; "Don't you wish your people had faith like that?"
A priest and a rabbi were eating dinner together at a restaurant. All of a sudden, the priest sees a young boy bending over to pick up some money. The priest says, "I'd sure like to screw him."
The rabbi replies, "Out of what?"
Last edited by Theocrat; 02-22-2011 at 06:22 PM.
"Then David said to the Philistine, 'You come to me with a sword, a spear, and a javelin, but I come to you in the name of Yahweh of hosts, the God of the battle lines of Israel, Whom you have reproached.'" - 1 Samuel 17:45
"May future generations look back on our work and say that these were men and women who, in moment of great crisis, stood up to their politicians, the opinion-makers, and the Establishment, and saved their country." - Dr. Ron Paul
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
Remember humans are people too.
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