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Thread: Post a Joke, Best Joke gets a +Rep!

  1. #31
    Quote Originally Posted by guitarzan View Post
    donald rumsfeld walks into a bar and sees george bush sitting there.

    He sits down next to bush, and tells bush he has some unfortunate news...that 2 brazilian soldiers were killed in iraq that same morning.

    Bush immediately throws his head down into his arms and starts weeping uncontrollably...

    Rumseld, knowing bush to be a person that didn't show his emotions often, was dumbfounded by bush's reaction, and asked why he was so shaken by this marginal news.

    To which bush looked up sobbing and asked, "just how many is two brazilian?"
    omg!!! Lmao!
    Diversity finds unity in the message of freedom.

    Dilige et quod vis fac. ~ Saint Augustine

    Quote Originally Posted by phill4paul View Post
    Above all I think everyone needs to understand that neither the Bundys nor Finicum were militia or had prior military training. They were, first and foremost, Ranchers who had about all the shit they could take.
    Quote Originally Posted by HOLLYWOOD View Post
    If anything, this situation has proved the government is nothing but a dictatorship backed by deadly force... no different than the dictatorships in the banana republics, just more polished and cleverly propagandized.
    "I'll believe in good cops when they start turning bad cops in."

    Quote Originally Posted by tod evans View Post
    In a free society there will be bigotry, and racism, and sexism and religious disputes and, and, and.......
    I don't want to live in a cookie cutter, federally mandated society.
    Give me messy freedom every time!



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  3. #32
    I just sent out my resume to some free market think tanks because I have always wanted an invisible hand job.



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  5. #33
    Quote Originally Posted by Deborah K View Post
    I'm sending that one to my Mom.
    My mom loved that joke.

  6. #34
    A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
    A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
    The Screwdriver responds, "You have a drink named Murray?"
    Guy walks into a bar and sits at a table. Tells the waitress, "I'll have a Bloody Mary and a menu." When she returns with his drink, he asks "Still servin' breakfast?" When she says Yes, he replies, "Then I'll have two eggs-runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon ON END-well done on one end and still raw on the other, two pieces of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee." Indignantly the waitress says, "We don't serve that kinda stuff in here!" Guy says, "Funny... that's what I had in here yesterday..."
    A panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hamburger. After he eats he stands up stretches and pulls out a gun shooting everyone in the room but the bartender. The panda puts $20 on the bar and turns to leave. As he walks out the door the bartender asks why the panda shot everyone. The panda tells him to look in the encyclopedia. The bartender looks up panda and he reads "Panda: Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."!
    A guy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the establishments finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets him up, and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last one in the and does the same. The bartender asks him, "Why did you do that?" And the guy replies, " Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!"
    A priest, a rabbi, and a pastor are sitting in a bar, across the street from a brothel. They are sipping their drinks when they see a rabbi walk in to the brothel. "Oy! It's awful to see a man of the cloth give into temptation", says the rabbi.
    A short while later, they see a pastor walk into the brothel. "Damn! It's terrible to see a man of the cloth give into such temptation", says the pastor.
    In a little bit, they see a priest enter the brothel.
    "It's nice to see the ladies, who have been used so poorly, have time to confess their sins", says the priest.

    A guy walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?" The bartender shakes his head and says, "No, we only have plain."

    A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.

    "Back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman, "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!"

    "In me pub in London," says the Englishman,"I pay fer two pint's o' Guiness and they give me a third one free!"

    "That's nuthin'" says the Irishman, "Im my pub back in Dublin, you walk up to the bar, they give the first pint fer free, the second pint fer free, the third pint fer free -- and then they take you upstairs and you have sex for FREE!"

    "Is that true?" asks the Scotsman. "Has that really happened to you?"

    "Well, no," says the Irishman, "but it happens to me sister all the time!"

    Horse walks into a bar.

    Bartender says, "So. Why the long face?"

    A guy walks in.........ok, he did not walk in, he was already there. One guy says, "I slept with my wife before we were married, did you?". The other guy says, "I don't know; what was her maiden name?".
    A woman and a duck walk into a bar.

    The bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig."

    The woman says, "That's not a pig, that's a duck."

    He says, "I was talking to the duck."

    So a guy walks into a bar, looking really moody and orders immediately a double-whiskey. Then he starts rambling on about how lousy a wife he's got, until the bartender finally says: "You know, I don't understand what you're complaining about. All the other guys in here only have compliments about your wife."
    Skunk walks into a bar and he says, "Hey where did everybody go?"
    E-flat walks into a bar, The bartender says, sorry, we don't serve minors......
    A potato walks into a bar and all eyes were on him!
    A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging." "Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
    "What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked. "Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
    "Weird guy," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"


    "Rustling," said the bartender.

    Two guys are sitting at a bar. One guy says to the other, "Do you know that lions have sex 10 or 15 times a night?". The other guy says, "Damn, I just joined the Rotary Club."


    How do you get a one-armed Pollack out of a tree?

    Wave at him



    Quote Originally Posted by Torchbearer
    what works can never be discussed online. there is only one language the government understands, and until the people start speaking it by the magazine full... things will remain the same.
    Hear/buy my music here "government is the enemy of liberty"-RP Support me on Patreon here Ephesians 6:12

  7. #35
    OP-are politically incorrect jokes allowed in here? I have more of those off my head than clean ones.
    Quote Originally Posted by Torchbearer
    what works can never be discussed online. there is only one language the government understands, and until the people start speaking it by the magazine full... things will remain the same.
    Hear/buy my music here "government is the enemy of liberty"-RP Support me on Patreon here Ephesians 6:12

  8. #36
    Two men were sitting on a park bench when a dog came over and starting licking it's self.

    One of the men looked at the other and exclaimed, "I wish I could do that."

    The other man responded, "Perhaps you should pet him first."

  9. #37
    A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!"

    The grasshopper asks, "You have drink named Steve?"

  10. #38
    Quote Originally Posted by Dr.3D View Post
    Two men were sitting on a park bench when a dog came over and starting licking it's self.

    One of the men looked at the other and exclaimed, "I wish I could do that."

    The other man responded, "Perhaps you should pet him first."
    I lol'd!

  11. #39
    A seventy-five year old White guy, his hair was completely white, marries a twenty-two year old girl, and she gets pregnant.

    Nine months later, he walks into the Maternity Ward. He says to the nurse, "Well, how'd I do?"

    The nurse says: "She had twins."

    He says, "Heh, heh, heh...well, I guess that goes to show, that even if there's snow on the roof, there can still be fire in the furnace."

    She says, "Well, then you'd better change filters. Both of the babies are black."
    Diversity finds unity in the message of freedom.

    Dilige et quod vis fac. ~ Saint Augustine

    Quote Originally Posted by phill4paul View Post
    Above all I think everyone needs to understand that neither the Bundys nor Finicum were militia or had prior military training. They were, first and foremost, Ranchers who had about all the shit they could take.
    Quote Originally Posted by HOLLYWOOD View Post
    If anything, this situation has proved the government is nothing but a dictatorship backed by deadly force... no different than the dictatorships in the banana republics, just more polished and cleverly propagandized.
    "I'll believe in good cops when they start turning bad cops in."

    Quote Originally Posted by tod evans View Post
    In a free society there will be bigotry, and racism, and sexism and religious disputes and, and, and.......
    I don't want to live in a cookie cutter, federally mandated society.
    Give me messy freedom every time!

  12. #40
    Quote Originally Posted by Bruno View Post
    I lol'd!
    Thanks.

    It's hard for some people to understand the dual meaning that joke has.



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  14. #41
    Quote Originally Posted by Dr.3D View Post
    Two men were sitting on a park bench when a dog came over and starting licking it's self.

    One of the men looked at the other and exclaimed, "I wish I could do that."

    The other man responded, "Perhaps you should pet him first."
    heeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!
    Diversity finds unity in the message of freedom.

    Dilige et quod vis fac. ~ Saint Augustine

    Quote Originally Posted by phill4paul View Post
    Above all I think everyone needs to understand that neither the Bundys nor Finicum were militia or had prior military training. They were, first and foremost, Ranchers who had about all the shit they could take.
    Quote Originally Posted by HOLLYWOOD View Post
    If anything, this situation has proved the government is nothing but a dictatorship backed by deadly force... no different than the dictatorships in the banana republics, just more polished and cleverly propagandized.
    "I'll believe in good cops when they start turning bad cops in."

    Quote Originally Posted by tod evans View Post
    In a free society there will be bigotry, and racism, and sexism and religious disputes and, and, and.......
    I don't want to live in a cookie cutter, federally mandated society.
    Give me messy freedom every time!

  15. #42
    I used to be a Jehovah's witness, so I'll tell this one.

    The Jehovah's witnesses headquarters is in Brooklyn, New York, and it is called The Watchtower and Bible Tract Society.

    Anyways, one of the brothers working at the Society's headquarters approaches another brother and says "I've good some incredibly good news and some bad news! What do you want to hear first?

    "The good news", said the other brother.

    "Your not going to believe this, but Jesus himself called the Watchtower headquarters!!"

    "Oh!! That is absolutely fantastic!!", said the other brother. "So, what is the bad news?"

    "He called from Salt Lake City."
    "..and on Earth anguish of nations, not knowing the way out...while men become faint out of fear and expectation of the things coming upon the inhabited Earth." -- Jesus of Nazareth

  16. #43
    Quote Originally Posted by YumYum View Post
    I used to be a Jehovah's witness, so I'll tell this one.

    The Jehovah's witnesses headquarters is in Brooklyn, New York, and it is called The Watchtower and Bible Tract Society.

    Anyways, one of the brothers working at the Society's headquarters approaches another brother and says "I've good some incredibly good news and some bad news! What do you want to hear first?

    "The good news", said the other brother.

    "Your not going to believe this, but Jesus himself called the Watchtower headquarters!!"

    "Oh!! That is absolutely fantastic!!", said the other brother. "So, what is the bad news?"

    "He called from Salt Lake City."

    SALT LAKE CITY?!?!

    Get a rope.

    That really chaps my hide.
    "He's talkin' to his gut like it's a person!!" -me
    "dumpster diving isn't professional." - angelatc
    "You don't need a medical degree to spot obvious bullshit, that's actually a separate skill." -Scott Adams
    "When you are divided, and angry, and controlled, you target those 'different' from you, not those responsible [controllers]" -Q

    "Each of us must choose which course of action we should take: education, conventional political action, or even peaceful civil disobedience to bring about necessary changes. But let it not be said that we did nothing." - Ron Paul

    "Paul said "the wave of the future" is a coalition of anti-authoritarian progressive Democrats and libertarian Republicans in Congress opposed to domestic surveillance, opposed to starting new wars and in favor of ending the so-called War on Drugs."

  17. #44
    Why are there so many beastiality jokes...
    In the end, it's never what you worry about that gets you.

  18. #45
    Best joke of the thread-the waiter joke
    Quote Originally Posted by Torchbearer
    what works can never be discussed online. there is only one language the government understands, and until the people start speaking it by the magazine full... things will remain the same.
    Hear/buy my music here "government is the enemy of liberty"-RP Support me on Patreon here Ephesians 6:12

  19. #46
    - Know knock.

    - Who's there?

    - A neoconservative

    - A neoconservative wh.. *BOOOOM*

    .......

  20. #47
    What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a sack of potatos?





    jokes about michael jackson are tasteless
    I'm a moderator, and I'm glad to help. But I'm an individual -- my words come from me. Any idiocy within should reflect on me, not Ron Paul, and not Ron Paul Forums.

  21. #48
    This is an economist's joke, so, if you guys don't get it, that's fine.

    A plane crashes on route to an island---the only three survivors are an economist, physicist, and chemist--they all manage to make it to shore along with a number of large boxes of food.

    Upon setting up a shelter and fire, they open the crates only to find that all the food is in tin cans. Immediately they begin discussing and debating the proper way to open it. The physicist says "we hurl the cans down from a peak on the island approximately one-hundred foot tall; the force of the blow, once it hits the ground, should break the cans open". The chemist protested that it was an inferior and work intensive method, to which he stated "if we merely heat the cans to boiling point, it will generate enough steam to cause the cans to expand, and thus, rupture, allowing access to the contents inside."

    After a few more minutes, the physicist and chemist pause, then one asks the economist "how would you open the tin cans?"

    The economist thinks for a moment, then lifts a finger and says "Assume a can opener".
    Last edited by Fox McCloud; 02-16-2011 at 12:41 AM.



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  23. #49
    A man lost in the countryside finds himself upon a farmhouse. Inside he finds a family just sitting down for dinner. The father welcomes the weary traveler to the table and says he can stay the night. While eating the man notices a pig with a peg leg wandering the farm. "What's with that pig with the peg leg?" the man asked. The farmer replied, "oh that's one special pig... One day we fell through the ice on that pond over there and that little pig came running with ropes and a sled and got us all out of there."
    "but how'd he get that peg leg?" the man asked again.
    "that pig is one helluva animal!" the farmer exclaimed, "my boy fell in the well and that pig pulled him right out, no problem!"
    "the leg sir, what about the leg?". The farmer again went on about the pig, "one day the barn caught on fire and he came pulling buckets of water and put it out before losing any of our animals!". One last time the man asked, "so how'd he get that peg leg?"
    To which the farmer replied, "oh, such a great pig like that, you just can't eat all at once."
    Last edited by polomertz; 02-16-2011 at 01:21 AM.
    “...& they did it to make us safe?!? The media just pounds it in that without this type of operation we as Americans won’t be safe. And yet the exact opposite is happening.” Ron Paul on the killing of Soleimani

  24. #50
    Why do blondes have big belly buttons?






















    Their boyfriends are stupid to!
    Libertarians - trying to improve the world through ideas and free markets rather than legislation and prisons.

  25. #51
    Quote Originally Posted by Bman View Post
    Why do blondes have big belly buttons? Their boyfriends are stupid to!
    Blonde jokes now?


    Why do Blondes prefer cars with tilt-wheel steering?

    More head room.
    Pfizer Macht Frei!

    Openly Straight Man, Danke, Awarded Top Rated Influencer. Community Standards Enforcer.


    Quiz: Test Your "Income" Tax IQ!

    Short Income Tax Video

    The Income Tax Is An Excise, And Excise Taxes Are Privilege Taxes

    The Federalist Papers, No. 15:

    Except as to the rule of appointment, the United States have an indefinite discretion to make requisitions for men and money; but they have no authority to raise either by regulations extending to the individual citizens of America.

  26. #52
    Quote Originally Posted by Dreamofunity View Post
    Why are there so many beastiality jokes...
    I dunno, why are there so many bestiality jokes? Waits for the punch line.

  27. #53
    Ala John Stewart

    What's the difference between the New York Times and Barack Obama?


    One's black and white and full of lies and the other's a news publication I've never read.
    Those Who Do Not Move, Do Not Notice Their Chains.

  28. #54
    A guy walks into his lawyer's office and his lawyer says "Sit down Bill. I've got good news and bad news. Which do you want first?"

    "Let's have the bad stuff first, Tom."

    "Well, I have reviewed the contract and the complaint in this matter and my opinion is that you don't have any defense. You are going to lose your business. And, because you didn't incorporate like I told you to, you are also going to lose your home and all your savings."

    Bill puts his face in his hands and burst out sobbing. After a minute he suddenly looks up and says "Wait a minute . . . what's the good news?"

    "Well" says the lawyer "did you see that new blonde receptionist out there? I $#@!ed her last night"
    The proper concern of society is the preservation of individual freedom; the proper concern of the individual is the harmony of society.

    "Who would be free, themselves must strike the blow." - Byron

    "Who overcomes by force, hath overcome but half his foe." - Milton

  29. #55
    A guy walks into his doctor's office and the doctor says "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Mr. Johnson, but you have cancer and alzheimer's disease." Johnson looks distressed for a minute and then brightens up and says "Well, at least I don't have cancer!"
    The proper concern of society is the preservation of individual freedom; the proper concern of the individual is the harmony of society.

    "Who would be free, themselves must strike the blow." - Byron

    "Who overcomes by force, hath overcome but half his foe." - Milton

  30. #56

    Smokey the Bear

    Why can't Smokey the Bear have children?

    Because every time his wife gets hot, he beats her with a shovel.
    The proper concern of society is the preservation of individual freedom; the proper concern of the individual is the harmony of society.

    "Who would be free, themselves must strike the blow." - Byron

    "Who overcomes by force, hath overcome but half his foe." - Milton



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  32. #57
    An old man totters into the pharmacy and wanders around for a while. Finally the pharmacist says "can I help you?"

    The old man says "I suppose you might. Where do you keep the condoms?"

    "On that end cap over there, sir" And then, being a curious sort, the pharmacist says "Are those for your use sir?"

    The old man says "well, I don't see how that is your business, but yes they are."

    Now the pharmacist is really curious. "If you don't mind me asking, sir, how old is your wife?"

    "Who said she's my wife?"

    "Pardon me. How old is your girlfriend?"

    "She's 78, same as me, Mr. Nosy."

    Now the pharmacist is really perplexed. "Well, sir, at her age there is no way she could conceive. You don't need those."

    The old man shoots back "Well I KNOW that ya durn fool! She just likes the smell of burning rubber!"
    The proper concern of society is the preservation of individual freedom; the proper concern of the individual is the harmony of society.

    "Who would be free, themselves must strike the blow." - Byron

    "Who overcomes by force, hath overcome but half his foe." - Milton

  33. #58

    last one

    A woman goes to see her lawyer. After they were together in his office for a few minutes she says "Please kiss me!"

    The lawyer says "You know I can't do that."

    After a few more minutes the woman pleads more passionately "Oh, please kiss me!!!"

    Again the lawyer says "I've told you a dozen times that I can't do that!"

    A few more minutes pass and the woman says "Oh, why can't you kiss me?

    The lawyer responds "I can't kiss you because it would be unethical. I shouldn't even be having sex with you."
    The proper concern of society is the preservation of individual freedom; the proper concern of the individual is the harmony of society.

    "Who would be free, themselves must strike the blow." - Byron

    "Who overcomes by force, hath overcome but half his foe." - Milton

  34. #59
    Quote Originally Posted by nayjevin View Post
    Why did the frog cross the road?

    because he was stapled to the chicken.
    A frog??? You totally screwed that one up. Better let a pro handle this one.

    Why did the punk rocker cross the road?

    Because he was stapled to a chicken.

    Another one I almost killed a guy with:
    Why do dogs lick their balls?









    Because they can.
    --------------------------------------------
    First step to ending the income tax: end payroll tax withholding.
    Require each American to write a check to their state and federal governments every month.

  35. #60

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