Post a Joke, Best Joke gets a +Rep!

[shakey1]

Two dogs & a cat were waiting outside the pearly gates waiting to get into heaven. St Peter had the day off, so God was minding the store on this day.
God looks to the first dog & says "Why do you deserve to get into my kingdom?".
The dog replies "Well, I've always been a good boy, & I saved two kids from drowning.".
God tells him "Of course, come in & sit beside me."
God looks to the second dog & says "Why do you deserve to get into my kingdom?".
The dog replies "Well, I've always been a good boy... & I didn't save any lives, but I never bit anybody.".
God said "Well... ok, you can come in as well.".
God, then turns his gaze to the cat saying "Well, what do you have to say for yourself?".
The cat looks at him & says "I think you're in my chair".

[Anti Federalist]

I carved 3.1415969 into a pumpkin for Halloween.

It's now Pumpkin Pi.

After Halloween I'll toss it out the window.

It will then be Pi in the sky.

[Anti Globalist]

Cory Booker

[tod evans]

Subject: Beer and the Wheel



The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.

Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.

Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer and vice versa. These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals.
2. Conservatives.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were less skilled at hunting (called 'vegetarians' which was an early human word meaning 'bad hunter') learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men “evolved” into women. Others became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern Liberals like special flavored beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine spritzers or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: many liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community organizers are liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are members of the military, big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, dentists, physicians, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true believers.

And there you have it. Just saying!

[Danke]

The Hitchhiker

A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"

[Origanalist]

[FONT="]The Hitchhiker [/FONT]

A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"

Damn, I thought I was having a bad day.....

[Origanalist]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Judy............Judy"

"Is that you, George?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then I pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again..

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, George...are you in Heaven?"

"No...........I'm a Rabbit in Kansas."

[Anti Globalist]

Bernie Sanders

[Danke]

Damn, I thought I was having a bad day.....

[Anti Globalist]

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?

You're too young to smoke.

[Danke]

Damn, I thought I was having a bad day.....

[Origanalist]

Oh damn, I am now forever grateful.

[Schifference]

That guy is on top of the world. She is gone away from home often. When she is home she is drunk. She is mostly incoherent and she has lots of money. Mr. Polosi loves Nancy very much.

[Danke]

I was having sex with my gf the other night. I decided to pull out and put it in her vagina, wow, it fits like a glove.

[Anti Globalist]

I was having sex with my gf the other night. I decided to pull out and put it in her vagina, wow, it fits like a glove.

Where were you putting it before?

[Danke]

Curly was pretty worried. His girl friend was pregnant and he was going to have to take a blood test to see if he was the father. He was scared $#@!less when he went in to take the test but when he came out he was all smiles.
"Can they prove you're the father?" asked his buddy Larry.
"Ain't no way," replied Curly, "the dumb-ass nurse took the blood sample from my finger!"

[tod evans]

HERE IS WHY PEOPLE IN CALIFORNIA APPEAR CONFUSED

Chief Heather Fong is the first SFPD female, lesbian chief of police.
Theresa Sparks, a former male, is president of the San Francisco Police Commission,
and CEO of a multi-million dollar sex toy retailer, and a transgender woman.
Sgt. Stephan Thorne, a former female, is the first transgender male SFPD police officer.

Where else are you going to find an Asian lesbian police chief, one deputy chief who is a woman who was a man, another deputy chief who is a man who was a woman, and a police commissioner who was a man is now a woman and whose full-time job is running a dildo store.
勞
Their Representative in Congress is Nancy Pelosi.

[Anti Globalist]

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

[Anti Globalist]

What is Moby Dick's dad's name?

Papa Boner.

[tod evans]

LEMON PICKERS NEEDED IN FLORIDA - CITIZENS OR LEGAL IMMIGRANTS MAY APPLY

"Lemon Pickers Needed" read the ad in the newspaper


Ms. Sally Mulligan of Coral Springs, Florida, read it, and decided to apply for one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.

She submitted her application for a job in a Florida lemon grove, but seemed far too qualified for the job. She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan, and a master's degree in Agriculture from Michigan State University. For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker, and also as a school teacher.

The foreman studied her application, frowned, and said, "I see that you are well educated, and have an impressive resume.

"However, I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"



"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said. "I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, voted twice for Obama, and once for Hillary."



She started work yesterday.

[Anti Globalist]

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breath out of that thing?

[tod evans]

CHICAGO—The city of Chicago is steadily recovering from an overnight snowstorm that delayed hundreds of murders on Friday morning and will likely continue to push numerous homicides across the city drastically behind schedule, public authorities announced. “As we speak, maintenance crews are working diligently to restore public transportation, de-ice roads, and clear back alleyways so that Chicagoans can quickly resume murdering again,” Department of Streets and Sanitation spokesman Dave Michelson said of the heavy blizzard, which caused numerous homicide cancellations this morning at peak murder times. “Unfortunately, we’re backed up by about 35 deadly shootings at the moment, but we hope to restore regular death tolls as soon as possible. We apologize to anyone forced to postpone shootings or other killings today and assure concerned murderers that they will be able to resume slayings by the early afternoon.” At press time, authorities reported that murders were up and running in many parts of the city, with four teenagers already gunned down on Chicago’s South Side.

[Anti Globalist]

Why don't witches wear underwear?

To get a better grip on their broom.

[Anti Globalist]

What's the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player?

A hockey player showers after 3 periods.

[Valli6]

https://cdn.quotesgram.com/small/48/...59ed26624b.jpg

[Anti Globalist]

What does a perverted frog say?

Rub-it.

[PursuePeace]

What did one elevator say to the other elevator?

I think I'm coming down with something.

[NorthCarolinaLiberty]

Q: Why is so much toilet paper being sold?

A: Because when someone sneezes, a hundred progs $#@! themselves.

[Anti Globalist]

Why do women have boobs?

So you got something to look at while you're talking to them.

[Suzanimal]

What does a farmer say when he can't find his tractor?

 

"Where's my tractor?"