what's a fish say when it swims into a stone wall?
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dam
Disclaimer: any post made after midnight and before 8AM is made before the coffee dip stick has come up to optomim level - expect some level of silliness,
The problems we face today exist because the people who work for a living are out numbered by those who vote for a living !!!!!!!
It's not really a traditional joke. I have a friend that "goofs" people. At parties, on nice properties, he will get attention and then look around and comment on how clean the owners keep their property. How nice it is. He will then throw his empty Coors Light can over in some bushes. Those of us that know him realize it is a goof and that he will collect them later. You should see and hear the reactions of those not in on it. Lol.
I poured spot remover on my dog.
Now he's gone.
No more IRS.
I am now old enough to vote.
Originally Posted by 2young2vote
"I've been listening to subliminal message tapes for people who tape the weather report while on vacation."
"Sometimes when I'm bored I like to run a slinky down the up escalator."
"I bought used paint... it's in the shape of a house. Then I went to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again."
"This morning when I woke up, everything I own had been stolen... and replaced with exact duplicates."
I'm a moderator, and I'm glad to help. But I'm an individual -- my words come from me. Any idiocy within should reflect on me, not Ron Paul, and not Ron Paul Forums.
George W. Bush told Dick Cheney, "I really hate all the stupid jokes people make about me." Cheney reassured him by saying, "Jokes can't hurt you. They are just made up by a bunch of stupid people. In fact, most humans are quite stupid. Here, I'll show you what I mean."
Cheney goes outside and hails a D.C. cab and says to the driver, "Please take me to 261 M street to see if I'm home, " said Cheney.
Without a word, the cabbie took them straight to M Street. Cheney then rang the doorbell, came back to the car and said, "Oh, I guess I'm not there! Take us back to where we started, please."
The cabbie did what he was told without a word. Cheney leaned over and said to Dubya, "You get the idea? People are idiots wherever you go! Don't worry about their opinions!"
Bush said, "Thanks Dick. I feel a lot better." Then he winked and whispered, "Hooboy, was he stupid! He picked us up right in front of a phone booth. He should have realized you could have called instead!
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side."
Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"
The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left."
When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let him in until he proved his identity. Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.
And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're Picasso?"
Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in.
When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. "How can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter said.
Bush replied, "Well heck, I don't know."
St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're George W. Bush?"
Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?"
St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in."
(Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.
Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.
Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.
The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"
Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal!
That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!"
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who pissed in your saxophone."
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb $#@!, it's Tony Blair!"
Bush and Gore were sitting in a restaurant to discuss the craziness of the election. When the waitress came to take their orders, Gore said, "I'll take the steak." When she asked Bush, he said, "I'll take the quicky." Gore motioned for the waitress to come closer, and whispered into her ear "He means the quiche."
In a Veteran's Day speech, President Bush vowed, 'We will finish the mission. Period.' Afterwards, he was advised he doesn't have to read the punctuation marks.
George W. Bush and his driver were going to Air Force One and were passing a farm. A pig jumped out in the road suddenly. The driver tried to get out of the way, but he hit him. He went in the farm to explain what had happened. He came out with a beer, a cigar, and a tons of money. Bush saw this and said, "My God, what did you tell them?" The driver replied, "I told them that I'm George W. Bush's driver and I just killed the pig."
As Governor, Bush got to ceremonially act as a state trooper for a day. While operating a speed trap Bush pulled over a Texas farmer. He lectured the farmer about his speed and the necessity of obeying laws made by his superiors, and in general threw his weight around. Finally, he got around to writing the ticket, and as he was doing so he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya, Sir?" Bush stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are -- I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of horses." Bush says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a minute he stops and slowly says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, Governor, I have too much respect for you to even think about calling you a horse's ass." Grinning broadly, Bush says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
Bush and Powell are slaving in the hot sun digging a hole while Rice is sitting under a tree drinking iced tea. Bush says to Powell, "hey, how come we're out here sweating and she's over there relaxing"? Powell shrugs and says "I dunno George why don't you go ask her." Bush climbs out of the hole he's been digging and wanders over to Rice and says "Me and Colin want to know why we're workin' our butts off and you're relaxing under this tree". "Well George", Rice says, "it's like this."
"You ever heard of a thing called Smarts"? "Smarts", George says, "what's that"? Rice says, "Here I'll show you how it works". "Now I'll hold my hand up in front of this tree and you punch it as hard as you can, okay?" Bush sensing a great ooportunity eagerly agrees. He gathers all of his strength and punches with all of his might but Rice moves her hand just in time for George to bust his on the tree. "Now you understand how Smarts works George" Rice asks.
"Gheeez", Bush replies, "that's pretty neat". Swelling with confidence Bush goes back to his hole and tells Powell, "hey, this is neat, the reason we're working is because of a thing called Smarts". "Smarts"' Powell says. "What's that." Bush replies, "now I'll hold my hand up in front of my face and you...
Prime Minister Paul Martin, Finance Minister Ralph Goodale, and Revenue Minister John McCallum are flying on the Executive Airbus to a gathering in British Columbia when Martin turns to Goodale and says, chuckling, "You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy."
Goodale shrugs and replies, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people happy." Not to be outdone, McCallum says, "Well I could throw a hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw all three of them out the window and make millions of people happy."
Last edited by Natural Citizen; 04-30-2013 at 07:23 AM.
//bad taste
Last edited by Dary; 04-30-2013 at 09:40 PM.
USDOJ...
not all jokes are funny.
Best of luck in life.
A professor at Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asked, "How many people here believe in ghosts?
" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that' s a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands. "That' s really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That' s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...has any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand. The professor took off his glasses and said, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Middle Eastern Muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asked, "So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"Ahmed replied, "$#@!, from way back there I thought you said 'goats!'"
“[T]he enshrinement of constitutional rights necessarily takes certain policy choices off the table.” (Heller, 554 U.S., at ___, 128 S.Ct., at 2822.)
How long before "going liberal" replaces "going postal"?
The guy who owns Congress is anti-establishment.
And the guy who has been paying Congress to screw us over is the populist we should trust to fix the problem.
Pretty funny, huh?
What's difference between me and my couch?
My couch pulls out
Donald Trump 2016
LOL Sola_Fide wins the thread.
Based on the idea of natural rights, government secures those rights to the individual by strictly negative intervention, making justice costless and easy of access; and beyond that it does not go. The State, on the other hand, both in its genesis and by its primary intention, is purely anti-social. It is not based on the idea of natural rights, but on the idea that the individual has no rights except those that the State may provisionally grant him. It has always made justice costly and difficult of access, and has invariably held itself above justice and common morality whenever it could advantage itself by so doing.
--Albert J. Nock
what did the grape say when it got stepped on?..
didn't say anything, just gave out a little wine.
How are Martinis like breasts?
Three's too many and one's not enough.
What?
How does he win for giving away the punch line to my joke?
It's best not to take the internet too seriouslyWhat?
How does he win for giving away the punch line to my joke?
With God as my witness, that's the best advice I ever saw you offer someone.It's best not to take the internet too seriously
Done! Thanks.
LOL I didn't read it that way and you know I love ya, but as a stand-alone joke "Donald Trump 2016" wins. Brevity is the soul of wit!What?
How does he win for giving away the punch line to my joke?
Based on the idea of natural rights, government secures those rights to the individual by strictly negative intervention, making justice costless and easy of access; and beyond that it does not go. The State, on the other hand, both in its genesis and by its primary intention, is purely anti-social. It is not based on the idea of natural rights, but on the idea that the individual has no rights except those that the State may provisionally grant him. It has always made justice costly and difficult of access, and has invariably held itself above justice and common morality whenever it could advantage itself by so doing.
--Albert J. Nock
That's as may be. But we should also remember that the longer someone waits to laugh last, the louder he is when he finally laughs best.
Especially at this point of the campaign.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
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.
.
.
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Nobody's sure but there are some great big holes all over Australia
Disclaimer: any post made after midnight and before 8AM is made before the coffee dip stick has come up to optomim level - expect some level of silliness,
The problems we face today exist because the people who work for a living are out numbered by those who vote for a living !!!!!!!
Gotta rep fisharmor for this one:
I wish I ran into this two weeks ago
Joke from one of my comedy routines that I wrote
What I want to know is if a man says or does something and there is no woman around to hear or see him,
is he still wrong?
No, it's not funny. At all.
Brawndo's got what plants crave. Its got electrolytes.
H. L. Mencken said it best:
“Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.”
"As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron."
Gary Johnson
- Kim KardashianIt's all about taking action and not being lazy. So you do the work, whether it's fitness or whatever. It's about getting up, motivating yourself and just doing it.
Donald Trump / Crenshaw 2024!!!!
My pronouns are he/him/his
What do the Mafia and a vagina have in common?
One slip of the tongue and you're in deep $#@!.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
What's the difference between your wages and your penis?
I can find lots of women who will blow your wages.
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop.
Says, 'This stuff goes right through me.'
I don't get it.
A boiled egg in the morning is really hard to beat
-rep
- Kim KardashianIt's all about taking action and not being lazy. So you do the work, whether it's fitness or whatever. It's about getting up, motivating yourself and just doing it.
Donald Trump / Crenshaw 2024!!!!
My pronouns are he/him/his
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