Fixed. Joke Telling 101: Never step on the punch line. /joke-naziOriginally Posted by Danke
The Bastiat Collection · FREE PDF · FREE EPUB · PAPER Frédéric Bastiat (1801-1850)
- "When law and morality are in contradiction to each other, the citizen finds himself in the cruel alternative of either losing his moral sense, or of losing his respect for the law."
-- The Law (p. 54)- "Government is that great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else."
-- Government (p. 99)- "[W]ar is always begun in the interest of the few, and at the expense of the many."
-- Economic Sophisms - Second Series (p. 312)- "There are two principles that can never be reconciled - Liberty and Constraint."
-- Harmonies of Political Economy - Book One (p. 447)· tu ne cede malis sed contra audentior ito ·
Why did the girl want to dance with the mushroom? He was a fungi!
Why are dogs bad dancers? They have two left feet.
A liberal, a moderate, and a conservative walk into a bar.
The bartender says "Good evening, Mitt."
"The journalist is one who separates the wheat from the chaff, and then prints the chaff." - Adlai Stevenson
“I tell you that virtue does not come from money: but from virtue comes money and all other good things to man, both to the individual and to the state.” - Socrates
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew.
I am a person of color that is entitled to housing and food. Tomorrow I will wake up early and work hard all day long.
Joker: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Jokee: Why?
Joker: To get to the ugly person's house.
Joker: Knock knock...
Jokee: Who's there?
Joker: The chicken.
When a trumpet sounds in a city, do not the people tremble?
When disaster comes to a city, has not the Lord caused it? Amos 3:6
What did the sushi say to the bee?
Wasabi.
A LESSON: DON’T TEXT UNLESS IT’S ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY
“Hi Fred, this is Richard next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself any longer without you knowing this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife without you knowing about this. In fact, much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you. Regards, Richard.” Neighbor’s response: Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He looked down at his phone and discovered a second text from Richard. “Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured if out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife”. Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all!”
Pfizer Macht Frei!
Openly Straight Man, Danke, Awarded Top Rated Influencer. Community Standards Enforcer.
Quiz: Test Your "Income" Tax IQ!
Short Income Tax Video
The Income Tax Is An Excise, And Excise Taxes Are Privilege Taxes
The Federalist Papers, No. 15:
Except as to the rule of appointment, the United States have an indefinite discretion to make requisitions for men and money; but they have no authority to raise either by regulations extending to the individual citizens of America.
A Boston Red Sox fan, a Chicago Cubs fan and a NY Yankees fan were all in Saudi Arabia performing military duty for the US Army. While off base, they were caught sharing a smuggled case of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime they were sentenced to death!
With the help of good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, a benevolent Sheik decided that they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik said, "Its my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each one of you one wish before your whipping".
The Cubs fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so after some thought he said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Cubs fan was carried away bleeding and crying.
The Yankees fan was up next (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "OK please tie two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Yankees fan crying like a baby.
The Red Sox fan was the last up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said "you support the greatest baseball team in the world, your supporters are the best and most loyal fans in all the world. For this you may have two wishes".
The Red Sox fan replied, "My first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes". "You are very brave," said the Sheik. "100 lashes so be it. And your second wish?"
"Tie the Yankees fan to my back."
We have long had death and taxes as the two standards of inevitability. But there are those who believe that death is the preferable of the two. "At least," as one man said, "there's one advantage about death; it doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
Erwin N. Griswold
Taxes: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an automatic extension.
Anonymous
An old sailor from New Hampshire walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.
"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"
The old sailor sighs and tells him, "My ship hit an iceberg and a mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"
"Well," sighs the sailor, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
Next up, an Injun, and African joke followed by a slut joke.
Last edited by Danke; 05-27-2018 at 02:37 PM.
Pfizer Macht Frei!
Openly Straight Man, Danke, Awarded Top Rated Influencer. Community Standards Enforcer.
Quiz: Test Your "Income" Tax IQ!
Short Income Tax Video
The Income Tax Is An Excise, And Excise Taxes Are Privilege Taxes
The Federalist Papers, No. 15:
Except as to the rule of appointment, the United States have an indefinite discretion to make requisitions for men and money; but they have no authority to raise either by regulations extending to the individual citizens of America.
Pfizer Macht Frei!
Openly Straight Man, Danke, Awarded Top Rated Influencer. Community Standards Enforcer.
Quiz: Test Your "Income" Tax IQ!
Short Income Tax Video
The Income Tax Is An Excise, And Excise Taxes Are Privilege Taxes
The Federalist Papers, No. 15:
Except as to the rule of appointment, the United States have an indefinite discretion to make requisitions for men and money; but they have no authority to raise either by regulations extending to the individual citizens of America.
A German is on holiday in the US, getting wasted at a bar. He walks outside and starts taking a leak on the side of the building. An American woman walks by, looks at what he's doing, and says "Ugh, gross."
The German man looks up, smiles, and says "Danke"
DamianTV owes ya a +rep for that one.
When I was living in Germany, I heard that a lot. No HB, it wasn't at gay bars.
Pfizer Macht Frei!
Openly Straight Man, Danke, Awarded Top Rated Influencer. Community Standards Enforcer.
Quiz: Test Your "Income" Tax IQ!
Short Income Tax Video
The Income Tax Is An Excise, And Excise Taxes Are Privilege Taxes
The Federalist Papers, No. 15:
Except as to the rule of appointment, the United States have an indefinite discretion to make requisitions for men and money; but they have no authority to raise either by regulations extending to the individual citizens of America.
A loose Georgia woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top. She raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer, revealing that she does not shave her armpits to hide her third nipple.Meanwhile, a sloppy drunk on the other side of the bar signals the bartender, "Buy that ballerina over there a drink on me."
The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?"
"Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick that can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina."
Pfizer Macht Frei!
Openly Straight Man, Danke, Awarded Top Rated Influencer. Community Standards Enforcer.
Quiz: Test Your "Income" Tax IQ!
Short Income Tax Video
The Income Tax Is An Excise, And Excise Taxes Are Privilege Taxes
The Federalist Papers, No. 15:
Except as to the rule of appointment, the United States have an indefinite discretion to make requisitions for men and money; but they have no authority to raise either by regulations extending to the individual citizens of America.
At first, I thought I could relate to this woman but then I got to the part about not shaving to hide the third nipple and ya lost me. I shave and I'm proud of my third nipple.
-rep
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely..
So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
and that it would be a woman.
He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you.'
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,
and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you !
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.'
Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'
'An arm and a leg.'
Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib ?'
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
Don't need a weather man to know which way the wind blows
A kid walks into a whore house with a dead frog. He goes to the front desk and sets his dead frog up on the counter top. The man at the desk says, we don't allow kids here. The kid puts $100 bill on the counter and the man replies, ok what do you want? The kid says, I want to have sex with the girl here that has the most STD's I can get. We don't have women like that here sorry buddy. The kid then puts another $100 bill on the table. Ok kid, all the way down the hall last door on the left. The kid comes out of the room after awhile and as he's walking out the front door the man stops him. Hey kid, why in the world would you do that? You basically just killed yourself. The kid looks up at him and says, I'm going to go home and $#@! my babysitter. My parents are going to come home then my dad will take the babysitter home and he will $#@! the babysitter. My dad will come home and he will $#@! my mom. My dad will leave for work in the morning and the mail man will come and my mom will $#@! the mail man and that's the mother $#@!er who ran over my frog.
my guess is that some sleuth here on RPF already knows or could at least guess this - but anyways . . .
How did Bill Gates come up with the name for Microsoft ?
(Hint : joke is common in colleges from sororities to engineering students (I think) LOL
answer in 5 . . .4 . . . 3 . . .2 . . . (weeks days hours minutes)
(Edit in ans. )
He looked between his legs.
Last edited by Jan2017; 06-20-2018 at 08:28 AM.
Obama was a great president.
"Perhaps one of the most important accomplishments of my administration is minding my own business."
Calvin Coolidge
My son told me this one...
How does a crazy person get through the forest?
ftfy?
Why do cows have no feet?
Because they lack toes.
"Perhaps one of the most important accomplishments of my administration is minding my own business."
Calvin Coolidge
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an
Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas
somewhere.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. (I know, a tear is coming to my eye too)
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife
and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though..."
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'
'That fellow traveling through,' said the farmer. 'needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'
The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, And she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying goodbye,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'
'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....
'LAIDTHEOLADEETOO'
Don't need a weather man to know which way the wind blows
The next day after taking her grandchildren to the drive in movies, a woman pulled into a filling station where an attendant wearing a hearing aid approached her.
He asked her what she wanted and she replied; "Fill it up and do you have a rest room."
Seeing popcorn all over the back seat, the attendant said, "Just pull it over to the air tower and I'll blow it out for ya."
An Arab, a Mexican and a Georgia girl are in Olde Towne Tavern in Lawrenceville
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces...
He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces...
He says, 'In the Arab World we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The cool Georgia girl, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.
Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Georgia we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
"Perhaps one of the most important accomplishments of my administration is minding my own business."
Calvin Coolidge
(Repeat) because it is what I feel now on UNIX/FortranIV WATFIV "internets" . . .
How did Bill Gates come up with the name for his new company . . . 'microsoft' (?)
Last edited by Jan2017; 08-30-2018 at 01:43 PM.
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