So God made a banker
Commentary: A commercial for the next Super Bowl?
February 06, 2013|Brett Arends
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To be read in the voice of Paul Harvey...
And on the eighth day God looked down on his planned paradise and said,
“I need someone who can flip this for a quick buck.”
So God made a banker.
God said, “I need someone who doesn’t grow anything or make anything
but who will borrow money from the public at 0% interest
and then lend it back to the public at 2% or 5% or 10%
and pay himself a bonus for doing so.”
So God made a banker.
God said, “I need someone who will take money from the people who work and save,
and use that money to create a dotcom bubble and a housing bubble and a stock bubble
and an oil bubble and a commodities bubble
and a bond bubble and another stock bubble,
and then sell it to people in Poughkeepsie and Spokane and Bakersfield,
and pay himself another bonus.”
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So God made a banker.
God said, “I need someone to build homes in the swamps and deserts
using shoddy materials and other people’s money,
and then use these homes as collateral for a Ponzi scheme
he can sell to pensioners in California and Michigan and Sweden.
I need someone who will then foreclose on those homes,
kick out the occupants,
and switch off the air conditioning and the plumbing,
and watch the houses turn back into dirt.
And then pay himself another bonus.”
God said, “I need someone to lend money to people with bad credit
at 30% interest in order to get his stock price up,
and then, just before the loans turn bad,
cash out his stock and walk away.
And who, when asked later,
will, with a tearful eye, say the government made him do it.”
God said, “And I need somebody
who will tell everyone else to stand on their own two feet,
but who will then run to the government for a bailout as soon as he gets into trouble —
and who will then use that bailout money
to help elect a Congress that will look the other way.
And then pay himself another bonus.”
So God made a banker.
