US issues worldwide travel alert due to al Qaeda threat (satire)
by, 08-03-2013 at 04:30 AM (4094 Views)
It has just been learned that the worldwide travel warning and embassy shutdown was triggered by actionable intelligence that AQ had acquired and distributed to their loyal followers and supporters, the following:
1 Million cases of re-fried beans.
1 Million cases of really cheap beer.
2 Million bic lighters.
In addition, it has been learned that the TSA has been tracking hundreds of thousands of suspected AQ affiliates that have been training in the US all summer by attending county and state fairs and entering pie and hotdog eating contests.
The chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff lamented that the US chemical weapons inventory was not up to par, so we would be forced to respond to a WMD attack by nuking them. He then pleaded for funding for a massive chemical weapons program so we could keep up with the third world. Sen John McCain, on the other hand, went into a massive tirade stating that "We need to nuke Mecca NOW as a preemptive warning!".
A senior intelligence official, who spoke on conditions of anonymity also revealed that thanks to PRISM and XKeyscore the NSA had detected and tracked this sinister, worldwide terrorist network and were working with the pentagon to thwart the simultaneous, world wide massive attack on western interests. When pressed for details of the planned attack and counter attack, the official broke down and exclaimed: "OK! - we're screwed! We don't have enough drones and hellfires to go after them all at once. We might have to do another 'Shock & Awe', but time is getting short to plan something like that and I think the Hollysood special effects people we used last time are booked". The official then broke down, got on his knees and begged Congress for more funding for drones and hellfires. Once composed, we asked if there were any targets in American cities. He scoffed, saying "Everybody knows the FBI's false flag department handles those". Pushing our luck, we asked if this warning could possibly have anything to do with a bill passed out of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee on Thursday and headed to the Senate floor to fund embassy security? The kind of bill that is usually written by the very contractors that will profit from it? He looked at us incredulously and said: "Kid - don't you know how Washington works?".
Reporter tip: Who needs Whistle blowers when you have truth serum? Just dose the SOB and get to the bottom of things. No reporter should leave home without it! :D