Noodles
07-19-2007, 09:36 AM
http://renalfailure.wordpress.com/2007/07/18/spare-some-change-and-a-30-second-tv-ad/
Spare some change and a 30-second TV ad?July 18th, 2007
So I’m down by the overpass, throwing bacon at the homeless and watching them wrestle for it while I sit in my lawn chair and do play-by-play into a tape recorder for my later enjoyment, and I see that my Heavyweight Homeless Bacon Wrestling champion Vagabond Jackson has been bested for his yummy bacon strips by a newcomer.
“Holy shit, it’s John McCain!” I say, getting a good look at the new champion.
Apparently John McCain’s campaign for President has gone so poorly that he’s very low on campaign money, he’s lost a lot of his staff, and is now wrestling the homeless for campaign contributions.
“What the hell’s going on, man?” I ask. “You’re either second or third in most polls for Republican candiates… how are you falling on such hard times?”
“Less questions, more bacon,” says John McCain. “I need the protein if I’m going to lead America to a bright and terror-free future.”
So I throw a couple more strips of bacon out there and John McCain immediately chokes out Jitters Danson for the win.
“Rudy’s killing on me the terror thing,” says John McCain, chewing on his bacony prize. “I can’t scare people like he can. Plus he’s all for torturing the shit out of people and I’m not. Mitt Romney’s went up on me with that whole ‘Double Gitmo’ line at the last debate. And everyone else hates illegal Mexican immigrants more than I do. I can’t get a firm piece of the Republican voters.”
“Not even Chris Matthews‘ constant whacking off sessions to you on MSNBC’s Hardball have helped?” I ask.
“I’m starting to think it’s not a good idea for Chris Matthews to be masturbating on TV to you,” says John McCain. “More bacon!”
I throw some more bacon out and watch John McCain throw Harelip Eddie to the ground and punch him in the face until Harelip Eddie stopped moving.
“That’s right, I’m John McCain and I approve of this beatdown,” says John McCain getting up from the homeless man he possibly might just have killed with his bare hands.
“Look at things this way, at least you’re still beating Ron Paul,” I say.
“I’ve had tumors removed from my face that could beat Ron Paul,” says John McCain, eating his bacon and watching the blood that is not his own drip off his knuckles. “It’s Fred Thompson who’s really screwing me up. His lazy ass can’t even figure out if he’s running or not, but there he is leeching off my supporters. Do that many people like Law and Order so much? He’s not even that good on it. The other two District Attorney’s before him were much better. Are they thinking he’s going to make Sam Waterson his Vice-President?”
“Sorry John McCain, but I’m almost out of bacon,” I say. “And I need some strips for the teenage heroin addicts with histories of sexual abuse to fight over in my new Homeless Cruiserweight Division. So you’re going to have to leave.”
“All right, fine,” says John McCain. “I’ll be over at the wishing fountain, grabbing as many handfuls of change I can before mall security arrives.”
It’s a bad time to be John McCain. It’s an even worse time to be a homeless guy standing between John McCain and his bacon.
One comment to “Spare some change and a 30-second TV ad?”
maybe it’s time to switch to baloney
by nursemyra July 19th, 2007 at 4:41 am
Spare some change and a 30-second TV ad?July 18th, 2007
So I’m down by the overpass, throwing bacon at the homeless and watching them wrestle for it while I sit in my lawn chair and do play-by-play into a tape recorder for my later enjoyment, and I see that my Heavyweight Homeless Bacon Wrestling champion Vagabond Jackson has been bested for his yummy bacon strips by a newcomer.
“Holy shit, it’s John McCain!” I say, getting a good look at the new champion.
Apparently John McCain’s campaign for President has gone so poorly that he’s very low on campaign money, he’s lost a lot of his staff, and is now wrestling the homeless for campaign contributions.
“What the hell’s going on, man?” I ask. “You’re either second or third in most polls for Republican candiates… how are you falling on such hard times?”
“Less questions, more bacon,” says John McCain. “I need the protein if I’m going to lead America to a bright and terror-free future.”
So I throw a couple more strips of bacon out there and John McCain immediately chokes out Jitters Danson for the win.
“Rudy’s killing on me the terror thing,” says John McCain, chewing on his bacony prize. “I can’t scare people like he can. Plus he’s all for torturing the shit out of people and I’m not. Mitt Romney’s went up on me with that whole ‘Double Gitmo’ line at the last debate. And everyone else hates illegal Mexican immigrants more than I do. I can’t get a firm piece of the Republican voters.”
“Not even Chris Matthews‘ constant whacking off sessions to you on MSNBC’s Hardball have helped?” I ask.
“I’m starting to think it’s not a good idea for Chris Matthews to be masturbating on TV to you,” says John McCain. “More bacon!”
I throw some more bacon out and watch John McCain throw Harelip Eddie to the ground and punch him in the face until Harelip Eddie stopped moving.
“That’s right, I’m John McCain and I approve of this beatdown,” says John McCain getting up from the homeless man he possibly might just have killed with his bare hands.
“Look at things this way, at least you’re still beating Ron Paul,” I say.
“I’ve had tumors removed from my face that could beat Ron Paul,” says John McCain, eating his bacon and watching the blood that is not his own drip off his knuckles. “It’s Fred Thompson who’s really screwing me up. His lazy ass can’t even figure out if he’s running or not, but there he is leeching off my supporters. Do that many people like Law and Order so much? He’s not even that good on it. The other two District Attorney’s before him were much better. Are they thinking he’s going to make Sam Waterson his Vice-President?”
“Sorry John McCain, but I’m almost out of bacon,” I say. “And I need some strips for the teenage heroin addicts with histories of sexual abuse to fight over in my new Homeless Cruiserweight Division. So you’re going to have to leave.”
“All right, fine,” says John McCain. “I’ll be over at the wishing fountain, grabbing as many handfuls of change I can before mall security arrives.”
It’s a bad time to be John McCain. It’s an even worse time to be a homeless guy standing between John McCain and his bacon.
One comment to “Spare some change and a 30-second TV ad?”
maybe it’s time to switch to baloney
by nursemyra July 19th, 2007 at 4:41 am