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Matt Collins
12-23-2007, 12:18 AM
Will the Feds Bust Santa Claus?



Will the Feds bust Santa Claus this year?


When Santa Claus comes to town , he'd better watch out -- because the federal government may be making a list of his crimes (and checking it twice).

"Hark the federal agents sing, Santa is guilty of nearly everything....The feds know when Santa's been bad or good -- and he's been bad, for goodness sakes."

Does Santa belong in the slammer? Instead of stuffing stockings, should he be making license plates?

If he's held to the same standards as a typical American, yes. For example:

Every December 25, Santa Claus crosses the border into the United States without a passport. He carries concealed contraband, which he sneaks into the country in order to avoid inspection by the U.S. Customs Service. And just what's in all those brightly colored packages tied up with ribbons, anyway? Homeland Security wants to know.

Look at how this international fugitive gets around: Santa flies in a custom-built sleigh that hasn't been approved by the FAA. He never files a flight plan. He has no pilot's license. In the dark of night, he rides the skies with just a tiny bioluminescent red light to guide him -- a clear violation of traffic safety regulations.

Pulling Santa's sleigh: Eight tiny reindeer, a federally protected species being put to hard labor. None of these reindeer have their required shots, and Santa's never bothered to get these genetically- engineered animals registered and licensed. It's no wonder: He keeps them penned outside his workplace in a clear violation of zoning laws.

But Crooked Claus the Conniving Capitalist harms more than just animals -- he's hurting hard-working American laborers, too. Isn't Santa's Workshop really Santa's Sweatshop, where his non-union employees don't make minimum wage and get no holiday pay? Add the fact that OSHA has never inspected the place, and you have a Third-World elf-exploitation operation.

No wonder Santa is able to maintain his monopoly over the toy distribution industry: He's cornered the Christmas gift market. Santa dares to give away his products for free in a sinister attempt to crush all competition -- Is Santa Claus about to be hit with an anti-trust lawsuit?

The bottom line is that it might be tough sledding for Jolly St. Nick this Christmas if the government decides to prosecute him. He could be in trouble with the FAA, FCC, FDA, FTC, INS, DHS, EPA, DOJ, etc. After all, Santa Claus is everything that politicians aren't: He's popular, reliable, and gives us something for nothing every December 25th -- instead of taking our money every April 15th!


An old one but still worth the read every year! :D

Matt Collins
12-23-2007, 12:19 AM
Entitled
"Santa's Little Helper"



































http://i185.photobucket.com/albums/x93/sonicspikesalbum/Santas-little-helper.jpg

Pharoah
12-23-2007, 07:14 AM
He'd better not wave his arms about and shout "Ho Ho Ho" or he'll get tasered - much like the poor woman in the supermarket.

Matt Collins
12-23-2007, 10:39 AM
He'd better not wave his arms about and shout "Ho Ho Ho" or he'll get tasered - much like the poor woman in the supermarket.

A woman got tazed for that?

Matt Collins
12-23-2007, 11:12 PM
/////

Pharoah
12-24-2007, 08:05 AM
She was tazed for being "loud and irate" and/or "suspicious" in the supermarket.

http://www.wftv.com/print/14898682/detail.html#
http://www.cfnews13.com/News/Local/2007/12/20/tased_at_best_buy.html

^^ Note that the above stories conflict about her motivation - she was either using a credit card that they mistakenly claimed wasn't hers, or she received an upsetting phone call... either way, the police state gets tazer happy yet again.

johngr
12-24-2007, 08:27 AM
It looks like the Israelis want to taser him and waterboard him:

http://d.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/afp/20071221/capt.sge.msh03.211207182233.photo00.photo.default-512x341.jpg?x=400&y=266&sig=qT.g6VZzKCzJ_SjVODpDyw--

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20071221/wl_mideast_afp/mideastconflictisraelbarrierdemo

BETHLEHEM, West Bank (AFP) - Israeli guards beat five demonstrators, including one dressed as Father Christmas, during a protest on Friday against Israel's separation barrier in the West Bank, organisers said.

About 50 Palestinian, Israeli and international peace activists attended the rally in the village of Um Salomona, near Bethlehem, the Biblical birthplace of Jesus that is preparing to celebrate Christmas.

Israeli border guards armed with truncheons briefly detained one activist and beat another five during the rally, the organisers told AFP, adding that one was wearing a Santa Claus costume.

An Israeli army spokesman said there had been disorder at the protest and that several demonstrators who were briefly detained were subsequently released.

Israel says the massive barrier of electric fencing, barbed wire and concrete walls built across the West Bank is needed to stop potential attackers from infiltrating the country and attacking Jewish settlements on Arab land.

The Palestinians say the project is aimed at grabbing their land and undermining the viability of their promised state.

In 2004, the International Court of Justice issued a non-binding ruling that parts of the 650-kilometre (410-mile) barrier criss-crossing the West Bank are illegal and should be torn down. Israel has vowed to complete the project.

Matt Collins
12-25-2007, 11:07 AM
......

Matt Collins
12-16-2008, 05:08 PM
Bump again for some more holiday jeer....uhh...err... I mean cheer.

heavenlyboy34
12-16-2008, 05:16 PM
This thread really puts me in the holiday spirit! ;)

AdamT
12-16-2008, 05:33 PM
Hilarious.

Freedom 4 all
12-17-2008, 12:15 AM
What about the crime of illegally videotaping and wiretapping every child in America. "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows when you've been bad or good so be good for goodness sake." Come to think of it, Santa sounds like either a child mollesting pervert or an NSA agent. I can't really decide which one of those things I find less offensive.

Matt Collins
12-23-2008, 04:46 PM
//

Pepsi
12-23-2008, 08:46 PM
Santas Disable Enforcement Cameras in Tempe

Watch as some Santas gift wrap three speed and red light cameras.

http://kfyi.com/cc-common/news/sections/newsarticle.html?feed=&article=4766345

Matt Collins
12-06-2009, 10:08 PM
Santas Disable Enforcement Cameras in Tempe

Watch as some Santas gift wrap three speed and red light cameras.

http://kfyi.com/cc-common/news/sections/newsarticle.html?feed=&article=4766345



I think you mean this...


YouTube - Santa's helpers disable naughty cameras in Tempe (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T43LtGNFLPw)

JenH88
12-07-2009, 10:09 AM
lol.. for some reason i dont remember reading this last year.. funny never the less.. =)

Matt Collins
12-23-2009, 05:51 PM
lol.. for some reason i dont remember reading this last year.. funny never the less.. =)
It's a good way to show the absurdity of big government.

Morgan Brykein
12-23-2009, 07:27 PM
Santa Clause is a socialist! He was probably born in Kenya too! :D

CCTelander
12-23-2009, 07:41 PM
Bust him? Hell, they'll taze him and tune him up right in front of a gaggle of kids, cuff him, haul him of to some "black" facility and proceed to waterboard him 183 times. Then they'll try him before some kangaroo military tribunal and lock him away for life.

They're funny that way.

Matt Collins
12-24-2009, 04:01 PM
"http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGdrMOttV_s"

Matt Collins
12-24-2012, 08:31 PM
Bump

Matt Collins
12-24-2013, 03:38 PM
Christmas favorite bump!

compromise
12-24-2013, 04:01 PM
Collins is extremely proud of this piece.

Paulbot99
12-24-2013, 04:26 PM
Bring on the pedophilia lawsuits! See all those kids sitting on his lap? What about all those times he sneaks into children's bedrooms and leaves "presents". We got to sue this multi-billionaire pedophile!