PDA

View Full Version : Sir George de Carlin - a modern philosopher




Ronin Truth
12-03-2015, 02:45 PM
George Carlin
Comedian

George Denis Patrick Carlin was an American stand-up comedian, social critic, actor, and author. Carlin was noted for his black comedy and his thoughts on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and various taboo subjects. Wikipedia

Born: May 12, 1937, Manhattan, New York City, NY

Died: June 22, 2008, Santa Monica, CA

Children: Kelly Carlin

Influenced by: Richard Pryor, Bill Hicks, Lenny Bruce, More

Spouse: Sally Wade (m. 1998–2008), Brenda Hosbrook (m. 1961–1997)



"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?" -- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
12-04-2015, 09:46 AM
"I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it." -- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
12-05-2015, 10:21 AM
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin (http://www.ronpaulforums.com/quotes/authors/g/george_carlin.html)

TheNewYorker
12-05-2015, 10:40 AM
http://cdn.humoropedia.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/George-Carlin-Quotes-5.jpg

Pretty sure Carlin didn't hate his job.

Suzanimal
12-05-2015, 10:53 AM
I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds! ~ Sir George de Carlin

Ronin Truth
12-06-2015, 08:42 AM
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.” -- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
12-07-2015, 10:15 AM
And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? Not a word. You never hear them say “Jesus made me drop the ball.” “The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.” According to these guys Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. Must be another one of those “miracles.” -- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
12-08-2015, 09:36 AM
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment. -- George Carlin

jllundqu
12-08-2015, 10:00 AM
The man definitely ranks among the finest satirists of all time... his work will be long remembered.

jllundqu
12-08-2015, 10:01 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ux1o7F5oEb4

Indy Vidual
12-08-2015, 12:03 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=acLW1vFO-2Q

Ronin Truth
12-09-2015, 11:02 AM
"It’s the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin’ different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard. That’s our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free." -- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
12-10-2015, 10:02 AM
"Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view." -- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
12-11-2015, 10:47 AM
"Here’s another question I have: How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelet? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we’re better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? Because chickens are decent people. You don’t see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No. You don’t see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When’s the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn’t happen. Because chickens are decent people." -- George Carlin

Occam's Banana
12-11-2015, 05:41 PM
http://in1.ccio.co/Z2/IA/44/983fa43e4d7351348037e4fdc51f6fb6.jpg

Occam's Banana
12-11-2015, 05:42 PM
http://in1.ccio.co/T1/OF/L5/ff053cd4848a7ac823b9b2acee4248fc.jpg

Ronin Truth
12-12-2015, 04:50 AM
"We’re so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody’s going to save something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people kidding? Save the planet? We don’t even know how to take care of ourselves; we haven’t learned how to care for one another. We’re gonna save the fuckin’ planet? And, by the way, there’s nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are fucked! Compared with the people, the planet is doin’ great. It’s been here over four billion years The planet isn’t goin’ anywhere, folks. We are! We’re goin’ away. Pack your shit, we’re goin’ away. And we won’t leave much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left. Maybe a little Styrofoam. The planet will be here, and we’ll be gone. Another failed mutation, another closed-end biological mistake." -- George Carlin

Suzanimal
12-13-2015, 06:19 AM
http://i.imgur.com/v1PFAaZ.png

Ronin Truth
12-13-2015, 08:38 AM
"Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong." -- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
12-14-2015, 09:24 AM
"Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and He needs money." -- George Carlin

Suzanimal
12-14-2015, 10:11 AM
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.


:confused:
Seems perfectly natural to me.

Ronin Truth
12-14-2015, 10:43 AM
:confused:
Seems perfectly natural to me.


For a guy, that's kinda like standing at a urinal, while drinking a beer. ;) :) You don't ever really buy beer, you merely rent it.

Suzanimal
12-14-2015, 10:46 AM
For a guy, that's kinda like standing at a urinal, while drinking a beer. ;) :) You don't ever really buy beer, you merely rent it.

No doubt. A 12 oz can of Butt Light magically turns into 24 oz of piss.

Ronin Truth
12-15-2015, 09:40 AM
"Catholics and other Christians are against abortions and they’re against homosexuals. Well who has less abortions than homosexuals? Leave these fucking people alone for Christ’s sake. Here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion and the Catholics and the Christians are just tossing them aside. You’d think they’d make natural allies. Go look for consistency in religion." -- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
12-16-2015, 09:04 AM
"So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. Not so you’d really notice it of course; just kinda on paper. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. Now there is another phrase I dearly love. That is a true oxymoron if I’ve ever heard one: “Civil War.” Do you think anybody in this country could ever really have a civil war?
“Say, pardon me?” (shoots gun) “I’m awfully sorry. Awfully sorry.” "-- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
12-17-2015, 08:46 AM
"I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." -- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
12-18-2015, 11:50 AM
"So maybe it’s not the politicians who suck; maybe it’s something else. Like the public. That would be a nice realistic campaign slogan for somebody: “The public sucks. Elect me.” Put the blame where it belongs: on the people. Because if everything is really the fault of politicians, where are all the bright, honest, intelligent Americans who are ready to step in and replace them? Where are these people hiding? The truth is, we don’t have people like that. Everyone’s at the mall, scratching his balls and buying sneakers with lights in them. And complaining about the politicians." -- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
12-19-2015, 10:08 AM
"I don’t like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists. I often warn people: “Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no “I” in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an “I” in independence, individuality and integrity.'” Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. If they say, “We’re the So-and-Sos,” take a walk. And if, somehow, you must join, if it’s unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and join. But don’t participate; it will be your death. And if they tell you you’re not a team player, congratulate them on being observant." -- George Carlin

timosman
12-19-2015, 10:26 AM
"So maybe it’s not the politicians who suck; maybe it’s something else. Like the public. That would be a nice realistic campaign slogan for somebody: “The public sucks. Elect me.” Put the blame where it belongs: on the people. Because if everything is really the fault of politicians, where are all the bright, honest, intelligent Americans who are ready to step in and replace them? Where are these people hiding? The truth is, we don’t have people like that. Everyone’s at the mall, scratching his balls and buying sneakers with lights in them. And complaining about the politicians." -- George Carlin

https://dangitbill.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/truth-hurts1.jpg

Ronin Truth
12-20-2015, 08:51 AM
"People are fucking nuts. This country is full of nitwits and assholes. You ever notice that? Nitwits, assholes, fuckups, scumbags, jerkoffs, and dipshits. And they all vote. In fact, sometimes you get the impression that they’re the only ones who vote." -- George Carlin

Spikender
12-20-2015, 09:06 AM
George Carlin is probably my favorite comedian philosopher. Better than anyone we have today really. I remember watching him all the time on those late college nights during work.

Ronin Truth
12-21-2015, 09:27 AM
"I have solved this political dilemma in a very direct way: I don't vote. On Election Day, I stay home. I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. Now, some people like to twist that around. They say, 'If you don't vote, you have no right to complain,' but where's the logic in that? If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and they get into office and screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You voted them in. You caused the problem. You have no right to complain. I, on the other hand, who did not vote -- who did not even leave the house on Election Day -- am in no way responsible for that these politicians have done and have every right to complain about the mess that you created." -- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
12-22-2015, 10:08 AM
"Now, there's one thing you might have noticed I don't complain about: politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don't fall out of the sky. They don't pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do folks. This is what we have to offer. It's what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. Term limits ain't going to do any good; you're just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. So, maybe, maybe, maybe, it's not the politicians who suck. Maybe something else sucks around here... like, the public. Yeah, the public sucks. There's a nice campaign slogan for somebody: 'The Public Sucks. F*ck Hope.'" -- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
12-23-2015, 10:25 AM
"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups." -- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
12-24-2015, 08:31 AM
"How can [God] be perfect? Everything He ever makes dies.” -- George Carlin

Natural Citizen
12-24-2015, 08:49 AM
Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.

I enjoy comparing baseball and football:

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.

Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.

Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.The baseball park!

Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.

Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.

In football you wear a helmet.

In baseball you wear a cap.

Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?

Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?

In football you receive a penalty.

In baseball you make an error.

In football the specialist comes in to kick.

In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.

Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.

Baseball has the sacrifice.

Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...

In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.

Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.

Football has the two minute warning.

Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end - might have extra innings.

Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.

In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.

In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.

And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:

In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.

In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!

-- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
12-26-2015, 11:18 AM
< missed yesterday > :(

"People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think." -- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
12-26-2015, 11:20 AM
"Electricity is really just organized lightning." -- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
12-27-2015, 08:49 AM
"They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don’t mention anything about cursing a lack of candles." -- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
12-28-2015, 08:56 AM
"The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it." -- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
12-29-2015, 10:05 AM
"There are over seventeen thousand golf courses in America, they average over one hundred and fifty acres a piece. That’s three million plus acres, four thousand, eight hundred and twenty square miles. You could build two Rhode Islands and a Delaware for the homeless on the land currently being wasted on this meaningless, mindless, arrogant, elitist, racist, there’s another thing; the only blacks you’ll find at country clubs are carrying trays. And a boring game. A boring game for boring people. You ever watch golf on television? It’s like watching flies fuck!" -- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
12-30-2015, 08:51 AM
"I am perfectly willing to share the room with a fly, as long as he is patrolling that portion of the room I don’t occupy. But if he starts that smart-ass fly shit, buzzing my head and repeatedly landing on my arm, he is engaging in high-risk behavior." -- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
12-31-2015, 10:16 AM
"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity." -- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
01-01-2016, 08:45 AM
"People are fucking nuts. This country is full of nitwits and assholes. You ever notice that? Nitwits, assholes, fuckups, scumbags, jerkoffs, and dipshits. And they all vote. In fact, sometimes you get the impression that they’re the only ones who vote." -- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
01-02-2016, 09:07 AM
"When it comes to God’s existence, I’m not an atheist and I’m not an agnostic. I’m an acrostic: the whole thing puzzles me." -- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
01-03-2016, 08:50 AM
"The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers, but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice." -- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
01-04-2016, 09:07 AM
"Rights aren’t rights if someone can take them away. They’re privileges. That’s all we’ve ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter. You see all, sooner or later. Sooner or later, the people in this country are gonna realize the government does not give a fuck about them! The government doesn’t care about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfare or your safety. It simply does not give a fuck about you! It’s interested in its own power. That’s the only thing. Keeping it and expanding it wherever possible." -- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
01-05-2016, 10:17 AM
"Here’s some bumper stickers I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.” “We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teachers’ attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters.” “We have a daughter in public school who hasn’t been knocked up yet.” “We have a son in public school who hasn’t shot any of his classmates yet. But he does sell drugs to your honor student. Plus he knocked up your daughter.” “We are the embarrassed parents of a cross-eyed little nit-wit who at the age of ten not only continues to wet the bed but also shits on the school bus.” -- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
01-06-2016, 09:48 AM
"I have certain rules I live by. My first rule: I don’t believe anything the government tells me. […] I look at war a little bit differently. To me, war is a lot of prick-waving! OK? Simple thing. That’s all it is. War is a whole lot of men standing out on a field waving their pricks at one another. Men are insecure about the size of their dicks, and so they have to kill one another over the idea. That’s what all that asshole jock bullshit is all about. That’s what all that adolescent, macho, male posturing and strutting in bars and locker rooms is all about. It’s called “dick fear!” Men are terrified that their pricks are inadequate and so they have to compete with one another, to feel better about themselves, and since war is the ultimate competition, basically, men are killing each other in order to improve their self-esteem! You don’t have to be a historian or a political scientist to see the bigger-dick foreign policy at work. It sounds like this: “What, they have bigger dicks? Bomb them!” And of course, the bombs and the rockets and the bullets are all shaped like dicks. It’s a subconscious need to project the penis into other people’s affairs. It’s called “fucking with people!” -- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
01-07-2016, 10:03 AM
"Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of 'em are stupider than that." -- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
01-08-2016, 09:25 AM
"This country was founded by a group of slave owners who wanted to be. Am I right? A group of slave owners who wanted to be free! So they killed a lot of white English people in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out the rest of the red Indian people, in order to move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. You know what the motto for this country ought to be? 'You give us a color, we'll wipe it out.'" -- George Carlin

opal
01-08-2016, 12:15 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1uaw3WIOlc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9TQ1zkMIl8

heavenlyboy34
01-08-2016, 01:07 PM
"There are over seventeen thousand golf courses in America, they average over one hundred and fifty acres a piece. That’s three million plus acres, four thousand, eight hundred and twenty square miles. You could build two Rhode Islands and a Delaware for the homeless on the land currently being wasted on this meaningless, mindless, arrogant, elitist, racist, there’s another thing; the only blacks you’ll find at country clubs are carrying trays. And a boring game. A boring game for boring people. You ever watch golf on television? It’s like watching flies fuck!" -- George Carlin

Yup. I feel the same way about US football and baseball. *yawn*

Ronin Truth
01-09-2016, 08:34 AM
"You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans." -- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
01-10-2016, 12:40 PM
"When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat." -- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
01-11-2016, 09:31 AM
"When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend." -- George Carlin

jllundqu
01-11-2016, 09:49 AM
"Now, there's one thing you might have noticed I don't complain about: politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don't fall out of the sky. They don't pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do folks. This is what we have to offer. It's what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. Term limits ain't going to do any good; you're just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. So, maybe, maybe, maybe, it's not the politicians who suck. Maybe something else sucks around here... like, the public. Yeah, the public sucks. There's a nice campaign slogan for somebody: 'The Public Sucks. F*ck Hope.'" -- George Carlin


My new sig line, right there! "The Public sucks, Fuck Hope!"

Ronin Truth
01-12-2016, 05:09 PM
"The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions." -- George Carlin

Danke
01-12-2016, 05:43 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46fOtLfYC4Q

Ronin Truth
01-13-2016, 10:40 AM
'Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”? ' -- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
01-14-2016, 09:35 AM
"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth." -- George Carlin

Ronin Truth
01-15-2016, 08:48 AM
"Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it." -- George Carlin

Suzanimal
04-09-2017, 11:50 AM
I miss Ronin.:(

http://i.imgur.com/bmXkxbe.png

ChristianAnarchist
04-09-2017, 11:59 AM
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C87t51nUAAAmzYH.jpg:large