How can I improve the script of this Ron Paul video?

[Matthew Zak]

I am in the process of completely remaking this video. I'm about half way done. What I'm focusing on is making the theme of the video a bit more centered around Liberty versus Tyranny. The format, music, and many images are the same. Only I found much higher quality clips to use, a better, more legible font, better synchronization with the music, and it is historically more accurate.

The first half of the video is complete. Like the original, I want to compare this current movement to the original revolution. I want this one to be worthy of going viral, so any and all input would be much appreciated.

Feel free to offer youtube clips, quotes by famous people, historical examples, or anything else you feel would be a great addition to this project and I will strongly consider incorporating it.

Here's the original.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8BDc5b3vTg

[Matthew Zak]

Bump

I know you guys have a lot of wisdom for me.

[Highstreet]

cut, cut, cut......more succinct. quotes from all the founders warning about taxes, central banks, losing freedoms, etc. Maybe a graphic of world map with locations of all our military bases when you say we build and empire.

[Matthew Zak]

cut, cut, cut......more succinct. quotes from all the founders warning about taxes, central banks, losing freedoms, etc. Maybe a graphic of world map with locations of all our military bases when you say we build and empire.

I want it to be a longer video, but I am working on making it more concise. I have put more information in the second version, and I definitely plan on adding more details and context to the second half to tie it all together. I can't make it shorter though, because I think the music plays a big part. The intro music repeats mid-way while the image of settlers coming to america is also repeated. I did that in purpose because it sets up the comparison between each revolution. Without it I'm afraid the context might be lost.

[Matthew Zak]

Having said that, I will definitely implement more relevant quotes, and the world map graphic is a good idea. Though I can't find a good one. Did you have one in mind?

[Matthew Zak]

Any and all input welcomed and appreciated.

[FindLiberty]

It's late, I'm tired. Some ideas - you asked... I LIKED THE VIDEO AND MUSIC, but...

The early history lesson needs to trimmed and tightened by 80% (less IS more)
1) to shorten the whole video
2) make much more room for "1970 to present" history
3) positive ending

+++

4:44 through 5:00 superimpose (behind existing text) a bold red
line showing an INVERTED inflation graph (animation left to right)
showing the plunging DROP in the value of USD $1. Red title
with this superimposed red line reads "Value of Money"

Around 4:46 show much older (younger) 1980's image of Ron Paul
shouting NO! prior to inflation and terror/war images.

This whole modern history and conclusion area from needs editing
and text message work. I'm sure others on RPForums have great
wordsmithing skills and ideas for you...

5:25 bring back red line and show FASTER PLUNGE. Flip this graph line
(smoothly, in less than a second) upside down and change title to
read "Cost of Goods" superimposed over images of gas pump, etc.)

5:26 add "INFLATION" in all caps to existing text to ADD EMPHASIS
that most of that war machine runs on unrestrained, inflated money
(in my mind it's associated with the resulting image from 4:51 as
the Naval Warship fires). Show a bit of innocents missing eyes and
limbs, before/after dissolve of town reduced to rubble.

Then show "BLOWBACK" and more recent image of Ron Paul "speaking out
against invasion and war. Other joining Liberty Movement can't seem
negative - I love Adam K., but that image of him looks like Stalin
giving a Hitler WWII attack order to the storm troopers! Find a
nicer looking video clip.

Are we ramping up for Iran next? Video of Ron Paul supporters shouting
"No More Wars". Text reads "Ron Paul gets more campaign money donated
from US Military troops than all the other GOP candidates combined,
(don't put this text over any troops photos). He gets more private donations
than are made to Obama" (maybe?)

End with the 30 yr integrity of Ron Paul and reasons to support him
for POTUS above ALL others.

Picture, music and text to show a BETTER future:
1) Audit and tame the federal reserve. "Phase out the fed".
2) Change military from overseas offense to homeland defense.B
Close bases in other counties and bring our troops home.
2) Show peace and prosperity (less regulation = jobs?) ...with low taxes.
3) Stop wasting money locking peaceful people up in prison, and the
resulting judicial corruption from war on some drugs, etc.
4) Police as peace officers in contrast with TSA goons or revenue cameras
and show cleanup of street violence (who should really be in prison).
5) Show happy photos of families with children (mixed races), nice car/home etc.

There is much LOUDER Ron Paul audio available somewhere (and maybe better
larger crowd video too) for 6:10 - it sounds too weak and "few in numbers"

+++

BTW, Glad you didn't bring up the abortion issue at all in the video...

In case anyone cares, my views on THAT "3rd rail" poison subject:

I wish Ron Paul could divide being Pro-Life personally (good), yet take the
position that the fed gov can't be involved there! That leaves it a state
issue (good or bad). Personally, I can't see this divisive issue helping elect
any POTUS who's for the federal government reaching inside our bodies. Not
for any reason! Not to save an innocent baby (or "fetus" for the pro-death
rights supporters). Not to save a fertilized egg prior to implantation. Not to
even snatch that fist full of French Fries, or 2nd greasy hamburger out of some
morbidly obese person's hand (or chomping mouth). If the fed/gov is going
to protect all life, they would have to include diet and intervene if a person
is not doing everything possible to save or extend their own life due to
personal neglect, bad diet or health care ignorance. Isn't ignorance also
innocence and therefore a justification to also "protect" a fat adult's life?

To expand on this, I don't want the states to demand pregnancy testing either
and the resulting mandatory federal fetus guards 24x7(even for only ~273 days)
for all "expecting" or "fertile" females. 'cause that's what would truly be
necessary to "detect and protect ALL new human life".

I'm 100% for Constitutional Liberty, no compromises, we must have sound money.
Stick with the explicit limits imposed on fed/gov by the 9th ans 10th amendments.

Full disclosure: I'm an overweight male, married, parent(s) of teenagers
and I don't want mandatory federal (or state) cholesterol testing or hamburger
police regulations either...

I would not be happy with a 24x7x365 D(iet)SA guards screening for fatty food
"abuse" at drive-through fast-food lanes. The feds would have me on a their
diet watch list. I can imagine the sign that reads, "Remove shoes and step
on the scale." Next, blood testing... and then they'd shout, "Show me your
hands!" They'd have to search for fatty diet and poor nutrition contraband
food items like a TSA guard searches for loaded guns at the airport.

[Matthew Zak]

It's late, I'm tired. Some ideas - you asked... I LIKED THE VIDEO AND MUSIC, but...

The early history lesson needs to trimmed and tightened by 80% (less IS more)
1) to shorten the whole video
2) make much more room for "1970 to present" history
3) positive ending

+++

4:44 through 5:00 superimpose (behind existing text) a bold red
line showing an INVERTED inflation graph (animation left to right)
showing the plunging DROP in the value of USD $1. Red title
with this superimposed red line reads "Value of Money"

Around 4:46 show much older (younger) 1980's image of Ron Paul
shouting NO! prior to inflation and terror/war images.

This whole modern history and conclusion area from needs editing
and text message work. I'm sure others on RPForums have great
wordsmithing skills and ideas for you...

5:25 bring back red line and show FASTER PLUNGE. Flip this graph line
(smoothly, in less than a second) upside down and change title to
read "Cost of Goods" superimposed over images of gas pump, etc.)

5:26 add "INFLATION" in all caps to existing text to ADD EMPHASIS
that most of that war machine runs on unrestrained, inflated money
(in my mind it's associated with the resulting image from 4:51 as
the Naval Warship fires). Show a bit of innocents missing eyes and
limbs, before/after dissolve of town reduced to rubble.

Then show "BLOWBACK" and more recent image of Ron Paul "speaking out
against invasion and war. Other joining Liberty Movement can't seem
negative - I love Adam K., but that image of him looks like Stalin
giving a Hitler WWII attack order to the storm troopers! Find a
nicer looking video clip.

Are we ramping up for Iran next? Video of Ron Paul supporters shouting
"No More Wars". Text reads "Ron Paul gets more campaign money donated
from US Military troops than all the other GOP candidates combined,
(don't put this text over any troops photos). He gets more private donations
than are made to Obama" (maybe?)

End with the 30 yr integrity of Ron Paul and reasons to support him
for POTUS above ALL others.

Picture, music and text to show a BETTER future:
1) Audit and tame the federal reserve. "Phase out the fed".
2) Change military from overseas offense to homeland defense.B
Close bases in other counties and bring our troops home.
2) Show peace and prosperity (less regulation = jobs?) ...with low taxes.
3) Stop wasting money locking peaceful people up in prison, and the
resulting judicial corruption from war on some drugs, etc.
4) Police as peace officers in contrast with TSA goons or revenue cameras
and show cleanup of street violence (who should really be in prison).
5) Show happy photos of families with children (mixed races), nice car/home etc.

There is much LOUDER Ron Paul audio available somewhere (and maybe better
larger crowd video too) for 6:10 - it sounds too weak and "few in numbers"

+++

BTW, Glad you didn't bring up the abortion issue at all in the video...

In case anyone cares, my views on THAT "3rd rail" poison subject:

I wish Ron Paul could divide being Pro-Life personally (good), yet take the
position that the fed gov can't be involved there! That leaves it a state
issue (good or bad). Personally, I can't see this divisive issue helping elect
any POTUS who's for the federal government reaching inside our bodies. Not
for any reason! Not to save an innocent baby (or "fetus" for the pro-death
rights supporters). Not to save a fertilized egg prior to implantation. Not to
even snatch that fist full of French Fries, or 2nd greasy hamburger out of some
morbidly obese person's hand (or chomping mouth). If the fed/gov is going
to protect all life, they would have to include diet and intervene if a person
is not doing everything possible to save or extend their own life due to
personal neglect, bad diet or health care ignorance. Isn't ignorance also
innocence and therefore a justification to also "protect" a fat adult's life?

To expand on this, I don't want the states to demand pregnancy testing either
and the resulting mandatory federal fetus guards 24x7(even for only ~273 days)
for all "expecting" or "fertile" females. 'cause that's what would truly be
necessary to "detect and protect ALL new human life".

I'm 100% for Constitutional Liberty, no compromises, we must have sound money.
Stick with the explicit limits imposed on fed/gov by the 9th ans 10th amendments.

Full disclosure: I'm an overweight male, married, parent(s) of teenagers
and I don't want mandatory federal (or state) cholesterol testing or hamburger
police regulations either...

I would not be happy with a 24x7x365 D(iet)SA guards screening for fatty food
"abuse" at drive-through fast-food lanes. The feds would have me on a their
diet watch list. I can imagine the sign that reads, "Remove shoes and step
on the scale." Next, blood testing... and then they'd shout, "Show me your
hands!" They'd have to search for fatty diet and poor nutrition contraband
food items like a TSA guard searches for loaded guns at the airport.

Wow, awesome, lots of good suggestions here. Thank you!

[Suzu]

Feel free to send me a copy of the script for proofing (spelling, grammar, punctuation, syntax, etc.). Use PM. No time to watch but willing to correct errors.

[Matthew Zak]

Well I never wrote the script. It's all off the top of my head, as I go. That's why I made this thread... I don't want to do it wrong.

[DerailingDaTrain]

Which program do you use for editing videos?

[Suzu]

Well I never wrote the script. It's all off the top of my head, as I go. That's why I made this thread... I don't want to do it wrong.

Oh, sorry. I thought you were inserting text into the video. I see a lot of those where the video producer didn't bother to proofread the text (or maybe just can't see the errors, or doesn't care), and as a stickler on proper use of language I can't recommend their clips because of the poor writing! Forgive me if you have no text in yours, I didn't watch it. (Short of time today.)

[Matthew Zak]

Oh, sorry. I thought you were inserting text into the video. I see a lot of those where the video producer didn't bother to proofread the text (or maybe just can't see the errors, or doesn't care), and as a stickler on proper use of language I can't recommend their clips because of the poor writing! Forgive me if you have no text in yours, I didn't watch it. (Short of time today.)

I did write everything in my video.

Most of what I said I translated/condensed from other sources.

I usually create my videos by thinking of a subject, and then considering an inspirational way to portray a message that applies to Ron Paul's message of Liberty (really, the message of Liberty in general).

I then find videos, images, and music that "feel" right for the concept and put them all in one folder. Some I use, many I do not.

Once I have enough material to begin the feeling out process, I start creating a preliminary video. (the initial efforts are always rough draft in my mind).

I continue looking for ways to improve the original idea, whether that means eliminating material, or adding it.

Before now, I always just "Scripted" the video by the seat of my pants. But with this video, or should I say this concept, I want to make it as efficient as possible, while preserving what I consider to be an important dramatic and inspirational aspect.

[Matthew Zak]

I am making the script for the second half of the video much more concise. In so doing I am finding myself able to ad more information. But I don't want to convolute the video or confuse people. So I want to make it as easy to understand as possible, while making it relevant to the original revolution.

Here's the script for the second half of the video SO FAR. I need to keep sentences short to sync with the music.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[In the background, a printing press is flipping through soon-to-be-dollars, from various angles]

1913:

The Federal Reserve Act, written by European Bankers and policy makers, becomes law.

The government can now borrow money from the fed, who simply prints it.

Extracting American wealth through inflation.

"Give me control of a nation's money and I care not who makes the laws." - Mayer Amschel Rothschild.

[A graph, imposed over continual printing of money, shows the value of the dollar dropping since 1913]

[As the music increases in intensity, the theme shifts from the fed to war profiteering.]

[Video of bombs and IEDs exploding (nothing too graphic) fit back-to-back, synced with the music]
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

At this point I am at exactly 4:20 in the video. I shaved 9 seconds off of the original while tightening it up, so for reference, look to about 4:29 of that video to 'hear' where I'm at.

[Matthew Zak]

I need a video, or a really good image of the U.S. military bases around the world. Something high quality.

[Matthew Zak]

^
I can't find anything worthy of putting in a respectable video.

[coffeewithchess]

I'll look for something in a bit for you. I have military videos, tanks/helicopter/fighters, but I don't think anything showing our bases.

[Simple]

It'd be a really nice touch if you quoted Bin Laden vowing to bleed America to bankruptcy.

Source (http://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=1314&dat=20041102&id=AGlWAAAAIBAJ&sjid=4vIDAAAAIBAJ&pg=6718,234059)

[coffeewithchess]

It'd be a really nice touch if you quoted Bin Laden vowing to bleed America to bankruptcy.

Source (http://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=1314&dat=20041102&id=AGlWAAAAIBAJ&sjid=4vIDAAAAIBAJ&pg=6718,234059)

Nice share! I had seen this around here before, but never clicked the links. NEVER MIND, figured it out.
Saving this for a video maybe...

[Article V]

You get two minutes. That's it. Cut whatever you must. But get it to two minutes. And cut out all the dead air where your script is nonexistent.

Do we really need to see 15th century houses being built by computers in order to understand Ron Paul? I don't think so. Cut it down!

[Matthew Zak]

It'd be a really nice touch if you quoted Bin Laden vowing to bleed America to bankruptcy.

Source (http://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=1314&dat=20041102&id=AGlWAAAAIBAJ&sjid=4vIDAAAAIBAJ&pg=6718,234059)

Wow that's awesome. I would put that exact image in there but I can't figure out how to get rid of the blue matte cover the title.

[Matthew Zak]

You get two minutes. That's it. Cut whatever you must. But get it to two minutes. And cut out all the dead air where your script is nonexistent.

Do we really need to see 15th century houses being built by computers in order to understand Ron Paul? I don't think so. Cut it down!

Eh, I can not make an effective 2 minute video that has the tone, message, and purpose that I am trying to portray. That's like asking the producers of '24' to cut an entire season down into one movie.

[coffeewithchess]

Wow that's awesome. I would put that exact image in there but I can't figure out how to get rid of the blue matte cover the title.

HAHA! I asked the same thing in my post, then correct it and said, "NEVER MIND." after I figured it out.
To remove the blue matte on the title, click on another "title" section, like the Iraq section on the next page.

[coffeewithchess]

Eh, I can not make an effective 2 minute video that has the tone, message, and purpose that I am trying to portray. That's like asking the producers of '24' to cut an entire season down into one movie.

Having watched all the seasons, I would say the basic plot/premise is easily done in a 2 hour movie. Basically every single season was the same plot, redone with different enemies.

That being said, I'm going to watch the clip here in about 20-ish minutes, and see what I think.

[coffeewithchess]

Alright, just watched the full video.

First, good job piecing it together, and taking the time to find the clips of "colonial" America, and using the "TEA" part. I think that part of the message would speak to the "Tea Party", even the neocons that have no idea why/what they are part of, just that they don't like the government.

A few things though:
1) It seems to lack focus on what the message is about.
2) Going from the federal reserve in 1913, to 9/11 and foreign policy...was a bit of a jump for me.

So, for clarification...is the video about donating, or was that annotation added only after the video was made?
What exactly are you trying to portray with the video? What is the CORE message you want to get out with it?

[Tod]

Wow that's awesome. I would put that exact image in there but I can't figure out how to get rid of the blue matte cover the title.

I got rid of it by dragging over to the next page, clicking so that something on that page highlighted blue, then drag back to original page and not clicking on it. (if you mouse over the area that was blue, it will show up again, but go away if you move the mouse off that area. If you have problems with it, I could screen capture it for you.

edit: oops, I see someone else figured it out.

[jemuf]

The video was a lot better than I was expecting.

You've got your work cut out for you though...trying to deliver a creative yet concise message. Who's your target audience? Ron Paul supporters will be receptive to just about anything.

Here's a few tips:

Can you display RonPaul2012.com for a couple seconds to start the video? Maybe at the top of the frame? And definitely end with RonPaul2012.com

At 1:40 the techno beat starts (1:30 to 1:39 was awesome). I love techno, but I don't think that music fit as well as it needs to.

Can you find a better clip of a Ron Paul crowd and amplify the "Ron Paul" chant? I don't think you should limit yourself to something from '07.

As the video was ending I was thinking that the time, 7 minutes, was about right. Maybe you could try to keep it under 10 minutes.

[Article V]

Eh, I can not make an effective 2 minute video that has the tone, message, and purpose that I am trying to portray. That's like asking the producers of '24' to cut an entire season down into one movie.I only watched the first season of 24 because I thought it should have been cut down to 13 episodes, and I didn't want to have to sit through more seasons of the writers wasting my time. Because let's be honest. If Jack Bauer knew the terrorists were on the hilltops planning a prison break, then he should have never let the helicopters land to drop off the prisoner. He should have waved the helicopters away, telling them to take the prisoner elsewhere. Instead, he took the prisoner off the helicopter and escorted him into the very prison he knew was about to be assaulted by terrorists aimed at staging a break out. Absolutely dumbest thing any character on any show has ever done ever. No doubt about it, Jack Bauer sucks at his job. 24 should have been 13.

In complaining to the girl who made me watch the show about its shoddy writing and how most of the episodes beyond 13 were wasted contrived plots, I ended up doing some research on the writers. Sure enough, here's what Wikipedia said: "Fox initially ordered only 13 episodes — the successful rescue at the end of the first half of the season was planned as a series finale in the event that the show was not renewed."

There you have it. The writers themselves agreed the first season should have only been 13 episodes. That's where Jack's day ended. He would have gone to sleep, woke up the next day and the writers would have had time to make a plot worthy of television. Instead, they didn't edit themselves. They stretched what they had and, because they had extra time, they weren't forced to be as creative as normal writers and editors are when they're trying to maximize the impact of every single frame.

You're not maximizing the impact of every single frame, because you've got a lot of dead air in there where little is happening that has any relevancy to the viewer (at least no relevancy at the time you show it; perhaps the log cabin building and wagon wheels turning have some greater meaning in minute 7--I wouldn't know). I can't pick apart your whole video, because I didn't watch the whole thing. I watched only the first 2 minutes, then shut it off because I didn't know where it was going and I was bored.

I wanted to watch more, but couldn't. So what do you think people who are busy and not interested in politics are going to do? How long do you think they're going to last, watching a grassroots-made video supporting a candidate they likely have preconceived (perhaps negative) notions about when that candidate isn't even mentioned or shown an entire 2 minutes in? And what does the viewer get for those first 2 minutes? They learn nothing new (we all know the Pilgrims came here for freedom, then rebelled against Britain to keep that freedom) and still have no idea where the message of the video is going.

Sorry, you've got to cut it down drastically. To the very bare essentials. Otherwise you're rudely wasting the viewer's time. Long-windedness is a courtesy people only grant to friends.

...You say you can't cut it down while effectively portraying your purpose. How about you start by telling the audience your purpose? Isn't that what every good essay, movie, book, musical, song has: an intro that preps the audience for what they're about to see? I was more than a quarter of the way finished and still had no idea what the purpose of the video was. That's your problem. That's why I was bored. That's why I turned it off.

Cinderella starts with us learning about a royal ball and a girl in the ashes longing to attend. Beauty & the Beast starts with a prince cursed to look like a beast till he gets kissed. Pick any good piece of writing in any genre: the story is always on a clear trajectory very early on. Yours is not. Make it so.

[J_White]

Very nicely done.
Here are my suggestions -
1) List the things that were infringed upon under the British - taxes, tyranny, loss of liberties, involvement in foreign wars (?)
2) List the same things that we are losing now under our own Federal govt - more taxes, more inflation, less liberties, more wars.
When the parts of second list are shown - show split screen with graphics from the British era side by side with today's - show a comparison how we are headed on the same path.
3) List the main points of the Constitution, showing what the founders believed would keep them safe from a tyrannical Govt.
4) then show how the main points of our Constitution are kind of made obsolete by things like killing the having a central bank,gold standard, NDAA, gun bans,building an empire, perpetual war etc. Strike out the lines of the constitution that these things overlook.

Also as someone said use earlier clips of Dr.Paul and give his some main quotes - specially from the 2002 house speech.