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View Full Version : Ben Bernanke makes FRONT PAGE of The Onion Website Today!




Napoleon's Shadow
08-03-2011, 12:03 PM
Absolutely hilarious :D

AGRP
08-03-2011, 12:06 PM
lol:


Customers at the bar told reporters the "shitfaced" and disruptive Bernanke refused to pay for his drinks with U.S. currency, claiming it was "worthless." Witnesses also confirmed that near the end of the evening, Bernanke put money into the jukebox and selected Dire Straits' "Money For Nothing" to play five times in a row.

"This is what it's all about," said Bernanke, who reportedly danced alone in the middle of the dark tavern. "Fucking love this song."

Another article:

WASHINGTON—In a hastily called press conference broadcast live on all major television networks this morning, Food and Drug Administration commissioner Margaret A. Hamburg implored every citizen of the United States to induce vomiting immediately. "Please, everybody, there's no time to explain. Just gag yourselves, drink ipecac, do whatever is necessary to puke everything out right now—all of it," Hamburg said moments before jamming her index and middle fingers deep into her throat and violently disgorging the contents of her stomach all over the lectern. "Do it now! Now, now, now!" As of press time, the FDA released a statement saying that everyone should have vomited by now and informing those who hadn't that it was "too late."

http://www.theonion.com/articles/fda-everyone-needs-to-induce-vomiting-right-now,21055/


Seems theres a rouge liberty fan at the Onion. I remember them being quite statist in the past.

Napoleon's Shadow
08-03-2011, 12:13 PM
The 2nd to the last paragraph is hilarious.


Bernanke refused to pay for his drinks with U.S. currency, claiming it was "worthless." Witnesses also confirmed that near the end of the evening, Bernanke put money into the jukebox and selected Dire Straits' "Money For Nothing" to play five times in a row.

dannno
08-03-2011, 01:30 PM
I compiled all the interesting snippets:


"Look, they don't want anyone except for the Washington, D.C. bigwigs to know how bad shit really is," said Bernanke, slurring his words as he spoke. "Mounting debt exacerbated—and not relieved—by unchecked consumption, spiraling interest rates, and the grim realities of an inevitable worldwide energy crisis are projected to leave our entire economy in the shitter for, like, a generation, man, I'm telling you."

http://o.onionstatic.com/images/articles/article/21/21059/Drunken_Ben-R_jpg_600x345_crop-smart_upscale_q85.jpg

"And hell, as long as we're being honest, I might as well tell you that a truer estimate of the U.S. unemployment rate is actually up around 16 percent, with a 0.7 percent annual rate of economic growth if we're lucky—if we're lucky," continued Bernanke, nearly knocking a full beer over while gesturing with his hands. "Of course, if everybody knew that, it would likely cripple financial markets across the entire fucking globe, even in various emerging economies with self- sustaining growth."

...

Numerous bar patrons slowly nodded in agreement as Bernanke went on to suggest the United States could pass three or four more stimulus packages and "it wouldn't even matter."

"You think that's going to create long-term economic growth, let alone promote job creation?" Bernanke said. "We're way beyond that, my friend. There are no jobs, okay? There's nothing. I think that calls for another drink, don't you?"

While using beer bottles and pretzel sticks in an attempt to explain to the bartender the importance of infusing $650 billion into the bond market, the inebriated Fed chairman nearly fell off his stool and had to be held up by the patron sitting next to him.

Another bargoer confirmed Bernanke stood about 2 inches from her face and sprayed her with saliva, claiming inflation was going to "totally screw" consumer confidence and then asking if he could bum a smoke.

"Sure, we could hold down long-term interest rates and pursue a program of quantitative easing, but c'mon, we all know that's not going to make the slightest bit of difference when it comes to output, demand, or employment," Bernanke said before being told to "try to keep [his] voice down" by the bartender. "And trust me, with the value of the U.S. dollar in the toilet, import costs going through the roof, and numerous world governments unprepared for their own substantial debt burdens, shit's not looking too good for us abroad, either."

"God, I'm so wasted," added Bernanke, resting his head on the bar.

Later in the evening, Richard Kampman, a truck driver who was laid off in 2010, said Bernanke approached him in the men's restroom and attempted to strike up a conversation about various factors contributing to the current financial crisis.

"He stumbled up to the urinal and started mumbling on about the depressed housing sector or something," said Kampman, who claimed Bernanke had to use both hands on the wall to steady himself. "Then after a while he just sort of stopped and I couldn't tell if he was laughing or crying."

"Then he puked all over the sink and the mirror," Kampman added.

Customers at the bar told reporters the "shitfaced" and disruptive Bernanke refused to pay for his drinks with U.S. currency, claiming it was "worthless."

Nate-ForLiberty
08-03-2011, 01:50 PM
lol:



Another article:

WASHINGTON—In a hastily called press conference broadcast live on all major television networks this morning, Food and Drug Administration commissioner Margaret A. Hamburg implored every citizen of the United States to induce vomiting immediately. "Please, everybody, there's no time to explain. Just gag yourselves, drink ipecac, do whatever is necessary to puke everything out right now—all of it," Hamburg said moments before jamming her index and middle fingers deep into her throat and violently disgorging the contents of her stomach all over the lectern. "Do it now! Now, now, now!" As of press time, the FDA released a statement saying that everyone should have vomited by now and informing those who hadn't that it was "too late."

http://www.theonion.com/articles/fda-everyone-needs-to-induce-vomiting-right-now,21055/


Seems theres a rouge liberty fan at the Onion. I remember them being quite statist in the past.

http://bastian.blog.lemonde.fr/files/rouge.thumbnail.gif

are you sayin' he's a commie? :D

Steve-in-NY
08-03-2011, 03:09 PM
Ive got tears from the Bernanke post. oh man, hilarious. thanks for that

goRPaul
08-03-2011, 04:19 PM
Don't forget this one from a while back:

US Economy Grinds to a Halt as Nation Realizes Money Just a Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion (http://www.theonion.com/articles/us-economy-grinds-to-halt-as-nation-realizes-money,2912/)
http://media.theonion.com/images/articles/article/2912/Ben-Bernanke-R_jpg_600x1000_q85.jpg

DamianTV
08-03-2011, 06:40 PM
Don't forget this one from a while back:

US Economy Grinds to a Halt as Nation Realizes Money Just a Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion (http://www.theonion.com/articles/us-economy-grinds-to-halt-as-nation-realizes-money,2912/)
http://media.theonion.com/images/articles/article/2912/Ben-Bernanke-R_jpg_600x1000_q85.jpg

Damn! That pic is going in the Bestest Picture Thread EVARR (http://www.ronpaulforums.com/showthread.php?132690-Bestest-Picture-Thread-EVARRR)!

flightlesskiwi
08-03-2011, 07:13 PM
this is hilarious. why does this thread only have 1 star???

Carson
08-03-2011, 07:59 PM
The Onion has outdone itself.

Carehn
08-03-2011, 08:40 PM
Ha ha! He is bald!

DamianTV
08-04-2011, 02:18 AM
Its a side effect of Spenditol...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBoYYc1APr8

Tarzan
08-04-2011, 03:36 AM
this is hilarious. why does this thread only have 1 star???

Probably because it was already posted on this forum a couple of hours before the OP.

DamianTV
08-04-2011, 03:39 AM
Rated. Fixed.