Obedience vs. Reasoning -- influence of parenting style on moral development.

[specsaregood]

An especially powerful example of the influence of parenting style on moral development is found in the book, "The Altruistic Personality" by Samuel and Pearl Oliner. The Oliners conducted over 700 interviews with survivors of Nazi occupied Europe -- both "rescuers" (those who actively rescued victims of Nazi persecution) and "non-rescuers" (those who were either passive in the face of the persecution or actively involved in it). The study revealed profound differences in the upbringing of the two groups -- in both the language and practices the parents used to teach their values.

It likely comes as no surprise that the morality of adults reflects their moral education as children. What may surprise some, given traditional beliefs about moral education, is which kind of moral education leads to which result.

Non-rescuers were twenty-one times more likely than rescuers to have grown up in families that emphasized obedience -- being given rules that were to be followed without question -- while rescuers were over three times more likely than non-rescuers to identify "reasoning" as an element of their moral education. "Explained," the authors note, "is the word most rescuers favored" in describing their parents' way of communicating rules and ethical concepts.

...
There is just one major exception, one way in which parents can actually impede their children's moral growth: "If it is simply indoctrination," he says, "it is worse than doing nothing. It interferes with moral development."

From: Raising Freethinkers pg. 34


I thought some here may find that of interest. I'd like to think that is how my parents raised me, "reasoning/explaining" why I must behave/do what I must rather than just being told to do it because they said so.

[Krugerrand]

good post - thanks.

[youngbuck]

Are/were you reading that book, i.e. Raising Freethinkers?

[specsaregood]

Are/were you reading that book, i.e. Raising Freethinkers?
Yup.

[youngbuck]

Well give us the run down on it! What's the good and the bad? Is there another book that you'd recommend instead?

[Eagles' Wings]

I'm in the midst of a rEVOLution. I emphasize LOVE because we're having lots of it and respect - with teenagers on board.

Books that are amazing by Alfie Kohn.
"The Homework Myth: Why our kids get too much of a bad thing?"
"Unconditional Parenting:Moving from rewards and punishment to love and reason"
"Beyond Discipline: From Compliance to Community"
"The schools our children deserve"

I also have our beloved Ron Paul to thank for this. He has helped me to reason with our kids, consistenly giving them responsibility and trust.

[Icymudpuppy]

The old nature vs nurture. There is always a bit of both.

I have two young boys. They are from the same parents, raised in the same house, eat the same foods, and have the same family.

One is a thinker and can be reasoned with. Even when he is angry about the results, he at least sees the reasoning. Example. Yesterday he was upset that he left a toy at school where it might get lost or stolen and demanded that we take him back to the school to look for it. Of course, I explained that he needed to consider taking better care of his things, and not leaving them unsecured, and that the school was already closed, and so we couldn't do anything about it until today anyway. He was sad, and angry, but he just sat down and cried rather than throw a fit or get violent.

The other is impulsive, and cannot be reasoned with. Attempts at reason result in violent fits of temper and in similar circumstances as those listed with the other, he will destroy objects, and attack his family members when he doesn't get his way. I have to literally lock him in a padded room to keep him from hurting people and destroying property until he falls asleep from exhaustion, or I can shock him into obedience by demonstrating superior force. Solitary confinement for hours vs a few seconds of corporal punishment. Tough call.

I maintain hope that the second will learn to reason, as I always use it first, and explain it again after. But nurture can only do so much. He has an aunt that was similar as a youth. His aunt now has the capacity for reason, but is well known for ignoring the outcome of reason if it disagrees with her preconceptions or personal desires.

[otherone]

This is pretty much Kohlberg's Stages of Moral Development (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lawrence_Kohlberg%27s_stages_of_moral_development) . It's Child Development 101. Many parents believe their role is to teach their children about Right and Wrong, without understanding themselves the difference between "Morality" and "Consequences."

[paduraru]

Good post.

[Roxi]

Sorry, I know you aren't accepting + reps anymore but I sent ya one anyway. :)

[Kluge]

Sorry, I know you aren't accepting + reps anymore but I sent ya one anyway. :)

That's his sneaky ploy to get more + reps. :D

It is a great article. I can't wait until my little one gets more language skills so I can reason with her rather than just keep saying "NO!" and making her cry.

[moostraks]

That's his sneaky ploy to get more + reps. :D

It is a great article. I can't wait until my little one gets more language skills so I can reason with her rather than just keep saying "NO!" and making her cry.

In our house we have worked to minimalize the number of no's to almost non-existent (guess that happens after 8 children and decades of childrearing-ugh I am getting old!) I enjoy the early stages over having to explain with what inevitably turns into another longwinded discussion of why we should not be doing something just to have them turn around and do it again.

[MoneyWhereMyMouthIs2]

I thought some here may find that of interest. I'd like to think that is how my parents raised me, "reasoning/explaining" why I must behave/do what I must rather than just being told to do it because they said so.

Thanks for the post.

I think another advantage of that approach is because the reasoning/understanding will go wherever the child does. They find ways to apply the same reasoning to other situations when appropriate. Obedience is less likely when they don't have an enforcement mechanism following them around.

And once they are 10 or 11, I don't think you can really force them to do anything, or to not do anything. So unless you've made them terrified of you somehow, they're going to do whatever they want at some point.

[Working Poor]

That's his sneaky ploy to get more + reps. :D

It is a great article. I can't wait until my little one gets more language skills so I can reason with her rather than just keep saying "NO!" and making her cry.

She is not too young to listen to reason even though she may not speak much. When my child was young instead of saying no all the time I would pick him up and say to him that I did not want him to get hurt or what ever my concern was over not wanting him to not do something. The sooner you start with reasoning the more they will understand. The youngest baby is very aware of their surroundings and is absorbing everything around them.

I hope people will stop discounting the awareness of a child.

[Nobexliberty]

Obedience and Reason are not always at war with each other, they belong together. Because you need Reason to now when to be Obedient and that is often good:toady: