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View Full Version : Critique my fundraising letter, help me raise campaign cash!




GunnyFreedom
07-01-2010, 11:52 PM
I have a list of about 200 known past GOP donors in my district that I will be sending a direct mail letter asking for donations. I have a preaddressed donors envelope that I designed from scratch up and it looks wicked cool with the letter itself. I am also considering adding a side 2 as it looks awful blank when folded into the letter.

1.7MB PDF file (http://away.144Ridgewood.net/filebin/fundraisingletter3.pdf)

The fields most of you will recognize as being ready for what Micro$not calls a "mail merge." It accomplishes the familiar purpose even though I am the proud user of zero M$ tech outside of fixing other people's stuff :D

Crush it and help me make it better so I can fund this campaign. I hate to ask, but I need a rapido turnaround as I want to have these in the hands of the US Postal Leeches by Monday. ;) Thanks!

Jordan
07-02-2010, 12:05 AM
Great letter.

My critique, if you can even call it that.

1) The use of the word "mandate" is extremely negative in this election cycle, and generally tied to the health care bill. (Alternative word, maybe? I'm nitpicking)

2) Never mention any weakness. "We have run an extremely efficient and cost effective campaign, moving voters in our weakest areas in Halifax and Nash counties"

3) You should put quotation marks around the headline. Print media/direct marketing performs better when you have a headline with quotations around it. Don't take my word for it, ask Ted Nicholas. :P

4) It needs a P.S. at the end. Often, the P.S. is the first thing ever read in a direct mail piece, and without one you'll get a lower response rate. I'd recommend something like:

P.S. This is our last chance to stop the power-hungry, Democratic NC House (then something about how you need donations).

---

I'm sure I'll have a bit more, but its late, and I can't even think straight. Other than the four points above, you have a hell of a letter.

GunnyFreedom
07-02-2010, 12:47 AM
Thank you sir! I will indeed incorporate your advice.

TheDriver
07-02-2010, 12:57 AM
I have a list of about 200 known past GOP donors in my district that I will be sending a direct mail letter asking for donations. I have a preaddressed donors envelope that I designed from scratch up and it looks wicked cool with the letter itself. I am also considering adding a side 2 as it looks awful blank when folded into the letter.

1.7MB PDF file (http://away.144Ridgewood.net/filebin/fundraisingletter3.pdf)

The fields most of you will recognize as being ready for what Micro$not calls a "mail merge." It accomplishes the familiar purpose even though I am the proud user of zero M$ tech outside of fixing other people's stuff :D

Crush it and help me make it better so I can fund this campaign. I hate to ask, but I need a rapido turnaround as I want to have these in the hands of the US Postal Leeches by Monday. ;) Thanks!


I would strongly recommend (assuming this is your first letter to these potential donors) transitioning somewhere in the first paragraph to an introduction of yourself. If I'm not mistaken you are a former marine (or military of some sort), you'll need to mention that in the first paragraph.

teacherone
07-02-2010, 01:26 AM
Hope this helps-- tried to reword it a bit to give better flow and readability. Hopefully a graphic designer jumps in to give some advice-- personally I think you need a more professional photo, maybe a head-shot. Also the top of the letter looks jumbled to me but I'm not sure how to fix that.

I also put some chosen lines in BOLD so the skimmers out there won't miss the hot points!




Campaign Committee
144 Ridgewood Rd
Youngsville, NC 27596
http://glenbradley.net/
nchouse49@glenbradley.net

January 7, 2010
[First] [Last]
[Address]
[City], [ST] [ZIP]
Hello [TITLE] [LAST],

It’s time to restore the Constitution!

[First], there has never been a better time to restore real Conservative principles to the government of North Carolina. The grassroots movement that is sweeping the nation -- demanding smaller government, lower spending, lower taxes, less government interference in both our lives and in the marketplace-- cannot be stopped; and if we act now we can enact our common agenda with this wave of public support behind us. This November you and I have an opportunity to make history in North Carolina. Will you join me in changing our great state and nation forever?

We have the opportunity for the Republican Party to control both houses of the NC State Legislature for the first time since 1894; and the chance to reverse the Democrat gerrymander and re-draw the voting districts fairly for all the people of North Carolina.

But the Democrats are pulling out every trick in the electoral book! They know we are on the verge of a new epoch in North Carolina politics and will do anything to cling to power against the will of the people. We can and we must win this race; we will restore the Constitutional order but to do that I need your help.

We have run an extremely efficient and cost effective campaign, moving voters throughout Halifax and Nash counties. It is time to step up to the next level, and your generous donation will allow us to do just that. Through a series of events, canvasses, and direct mails, we will cover the balance of Franklin County and Roanoke Rapids in time to achieve victory in November of 2010.

Join with me today! Support my campaign for NC State House and in November we will speak with one voice

We’ve come to take our government back!


Sincerely yours,
Glen Bradley

nayjevin
07-02-2010, 03:18 AM
in November of 2010, you and I have an opportunity to make history in North Carolina that will be written about for years to come -- with implications to change our nation forever. We have been witness to a grassroots movement that is sweeping the nation -- demanding smaller government, lower spending, lower taxes, less government interference in both our lives and in the marketplace. If we act now, we can enact our common agenda with a public mandate behind us. There has never been a better time to restore real Conservative principles to the government of North Carolina.

With the opportunity for the Republican Party to control both houses of the NC State Legislature for the first time since 1894, we have the best opportunity we will ever have to repair the Democrat gerrymander and re-draw the voting districts fairly for all the people of North Carolina.

We are on the verge of a new epoch in North Carolina Politics, but the Democrats are pulling out every trick in the electoral book to cling to power against the will of the people. We can and we must win this race, we will restore the Constitutional order but to do that we need your help.

We have run an extremely efficient and cost effective campaign, moving voters in our weakest areas in Halifax and Nash counties. It is time to step up to the next level, and your generous donations will allow us to do just that.

Through a series of events, canvasses, and direct mails, we will cover the balance of Franklin County and Roanoke Rapids in time to achieve victory in November of 2010. Join with us today and support my campaign for NC State House. Then join with me when I am sworn in and we will deliver a message to the political establishment:

Sincerely yours,

======================

, with your help North Carolina can make history in November.

We have been witness to a grassroots movement that is sweeping the nation -- demanding smaller government, lower spending, lower taxes, and less government interference -- in both our lives and in the marketplace.

Leading by example, North Carolina can establish real Conservative principle and change our nation forever.

The Democrats are pulling out every trick in the electoral book to cling to power against the will of the people. They know the Republican Party is poised to control both houses of the NC State Legislature for the first time since 1894.

We can and we must win this race. We will restore the Constitutional order. But to do that we need your help.

We have run an extremely efficient and cost effective campaign. It is time to step up to the next level, and your generous donations will enable us to do just that.

Through a series of events, canvasses, and direct mails, we will cover the balance of Franklin County and Roanoke Rapids in time to achieve victory in November of 2010.

Join with us today and support my campaign for NC State House. Then join with me when I swear my oath.

We will deliver a message to the political establishment:

We've Come to Take our Government Back!

=====================

So I made edits based on cutting the word count a lot, making it more readable, and increasing the 'action language' aspect.

Maybe a few of the changes are worth incorporating... I took full liberty with it, so FWIW

nayjevin
07-02-2010, 03:26 AM
On the back of the letter you might print the constitution or bill of rights or declaration of independence - maybe at 10-25% opacity? or just a header and footer with your name and district and contact information, maybe a decorative horizontal rule?

AuH2O
07-07-2010, 08:41 AM
I'd recommend more white space, a wall of text is intimidating to readers, not to mention more difficult to navigate (generally no more than three lines to a paragraph is industry standard). Your salutation should probably be Prefix Last, rather than First Last, especially since you intro the letter with their first name. Sans serif fonts are fatiguing to the eyes (feet keep people reading along the same line). A post script is the most read part of any letter, and should both entice people to read the rest, plus convey the central point for those who don't bite.

You should post the response device as well, its layout is often more critical to performance and proper format is far less intuitive than the letter component.

GunnyFreedom
07-07-2010, 09:09 AM
thanks for the bump Au -- I got wrapped up in nonsense and had let this slip, but it is most critical.

To create more whitespace and add in the parts about former Marine and former Seminary student that work so well amongst the GOP donor base, I think it will be a good idea to expand into the back of the page.

I'll post an updated version of the letter front and back by tonight, incorporating as much of the advice in this thread as I can.

GunnyFreedom
07-07-2010, 09:35 AM
Oh yeah, and the mailback envelopes are the best part, actually. I drew them up from the ground up and they in fact look better than the donor envelopes letters, let me get a couple scans going w a background so you can see them...

GunnyFreedom
07-07-2010, 09:43 AM
Inside of donor envelope:

http://i45.tinypic.com/2nkuy2u.jpg

Outside of donor envelope:

http://i47.tinypic.com/2v8k0sz.jpg

LibertyMage
07-07-2010, 09:50 AM
Before

"We have run an extremely efficient and cost effective campaign, moving voters in our weakest areas in Halifax and Nash counties. It is time to step up to the next level, and your generous donations will allow us to do just that."

After

"Our campaign has effectively mobilized conservatives across the district. However, it is time to elevate our efforts and only the generous donations from Americans like yourself will allow us to do that."

This change identifies with possible donors (conservatives), evokes feelings of patriotism (Americans) and creates a sense of urgency (only).

Put you district in your signature. "North Carolina 49" or something similar.

erowe1
07-07-2010, 09:55 AM
Line 4: "in both our lives and in the marketplace" - I recommend removing the word "both." If you keep it, then I think it should go before the first "in."

I don't think you should capitalize "conservative."

I also don't think you should capitalize the adjective "constitutional" (though the proper noun "the Constitution" would still be capitalized).

I think you should include something that connects you to someone in the party whom these donors are likely to respect, whether that be a local mayor, or congressman, or state legislator. That could be either an endorsement quote (I assume you have some endorsements of that sort--if not, I think you should try to get some), or you could replace your photo with one that shows you with a politician like that. Since these are all previous Republican donors, that kind of thing would probably buttress your credibility with them.

Aratus
07-07-2010, 11:39 AM
!!!

GunnyFreedom
07-09-2010, 03:19 AM
OK, front has been changed and will be posted. here is my first take on the back:

139k PDF http://away.144Ridgewood.net/filebin/backalphaloRGB.pdf

GunnyFreedom
07-09-2010, 05:07 PM
3rd revision of letter FRONT
810k PDF file (http://away.144Ridgewood.net/filebin/frontgammaloRGB.pdf) http://away.144Ridgewood.net/filebin/frontgammaloRGB.pdf

(see post above for 1st revision of BACK, and above that for the return donation envelopes)

jacque
07-09-2010, 05:35 PM
I like to letter. All changes look good to me.

GunnyFreedom
07-09-2010, 06:36 PM
MelissaWV is the super-excellent and probably best proofreader who ever lived. ;) If she stumbles into this thread and chooses to help the result will likely be far more clarified and professional.

payme_rick
07-09-2010, 07:16 PM
I was going to suggest what someone already suggested: more white space.. Other than that go with it and I'll pray it works..

And I don't mean to hijack this thread, but during the healthcare bill viewing thread you mentioned a certain Sam Adams beverage. Was it Coastal Wheat? Just bought some and, uhm, verrrry good.. I've had a lot of hefe/wheat-style brews and this one I'd have to put near the top..

Good luck and get 'em, Gunny!

libertybrewcity
07-09-2010, 07:36 PM
I would put a deadline in there. It is proven to have a better response rate.

Also, if possible, I would put your signature on the letter to make it look more professional. It is very easy if you have a scanner.

GunnyFreedom
07-09-2010, 09:19 PM
I would put a deadline in there. It is proven to have a better response rate.

OK I can set up a deadline on the 2nd round signage, and canvass slimjims.


Also, if possible, I would put your signature on the letter to make it look more professional. It is very easy if you have a scanner.

You bet I will - but I intend to sign them all, with a pen. It's good practice in any case. :cool:

GunnyFreedom
07-09-2010, 09:33 PM
I was going to suggest what someone already suggested: more white space.. Other than that go with it and I'll pray it works..

I know I'm packing too much into it, but I am asking for these people to part with $1000 of their hard-earned money and by goodness they have a right to know what they are buying into.


And I don't mean to hijack this thread, but during the healthcare bill viewing thread you mentioned a certain Sam Adams beverage. Was it Coastal Wheat? Just bought some and, uhm, verrrry good.. I've had a lot of hefe/wheat-style brews and this one I'd have to put near the top..

Good luck and get 'em, Gunny!

Huzzah hard charger!

I've always liked Sam, and my appreciation doubled when I tried their Imperial series. Their newest micros are something I should like to try. :cool:

teacherone
07-10-2010, 03:10 AM
Looks good! Like the new pic.

You repeat this line twice


We can and we must win this race. We will restore the
Constitution, but to do that we need your help.

in paragraph 2 and 3.

I personally think it sounds better at the end of paragraph 3 because it's rather climatic--would cut it out of paragraph 2.

This line sounds a bit awkward to me--


Now, it is time to step up to the next level, and only the generous donation from Americans such as yourself will allow us to do just that.

maybe simplify it?

Other than that I like it a lot.