Draft of new slim jims for primary

[Adam Kokesh]

I just threw this together for a slim jim to be distributed with pocket Constitutions during the GOP county conventions and at other exclusively Republican events and wanted to get some feedback from the forums. It's a little hard to appreciate the color values against the forum backdrop color; they look much better against a white backdrop. Try "right-click" then "view image."

https://kokesh.netboots.net/sites/kokesh.netboots.net/files/imagecache/fullsize/images/Adam_Kokesh/ConVic.jpg

https://kokesh.netboots.net/sites/kokesh.netboots.net/files/imagecache/fullsize/images/Adam_Kokesh/ConVic_back.jpg

[dr. hfn]

very nice looking!

[kathy88]

Wow, Adam. Nice job. Love the poke at congressional salaries ;)

[LittleLightShining]

I absolutely love it!

[dean.engelhardt]

Very nice.

[MelissaWV]

Adam,

I have a couple of suggestions that leap out at me, but I will need a few minutes to gather them together, and unfortunately I am at work :( We're starting a meeting in 23 minutes that will last three hours. I think I need breakfast first.

If I survive, though, I'll post my ideas :)

~M

[AdamT]

On the back top:

"As your Congressman, Adam will stand for"

Maybe bullet point these? They kind of run together otherwise.

What about getting a pic of yourself on there? Helps people identify.

[Adam Kokesh]

Thanks for the feedback! I wanted to bullet point the issues section, but there wasn't quite the space to make it work. I could squeeze them horizontally and do bullets on both sides. I agree that it needs a photo on the back somewhere, but where? How would you rearrange things to fit it in?

[MelissaWV]

I hate meetings.

Suggestions regarding the "Dear Republican Primary Voter" text:

Spell out "New Mexico" in this instance. Notice how the last line of your first paragraph is half a line, so you do have the room.

You don't really feel a brewing discontent. I would find an entirely different image for this. Perhaps "I have heard growing dissatisfaction," which would transition nicely into your "even among...."

If you are capitalizing "Democrats," you should capitalize "Independents."

Your next sentence is a little long and ungainly. Consider "During this time of revolutionary reimagining" or something along those lines. "...we are wise" might become "...we would be wise", and "...wise to seek the wisdom..." is a little bit inelegant. Consider changing "wisdom" to "advice" or "guidance." (Hint: "guidance" evokes a very slight religious or spiritual concept.)

"I" should not be all alone as it is, but changing other sentences would take care of that. You would ideally want "I" to be on the leftmost space so that the sentence as a whole jumps out at a reader scanning rapidly for information.

"...even when unpopular." is actually unclear in its present location: was enlisting in the Marines unpopular, or will you uphold your oath even when it is unpopular?

You use principles twice in the opening sentence of the second paragraph, and while your first paragraph cited Democrats in a slightly positive light, here they are presented negatively. This might be seen as a little bit of a contradiction.

"This is already proof of that!" is not as fully-fleshed as it might be.

"thank you for support!" is also not correct; I think you're missing a "your" in there.

You cannot really "dedicate... tenacity," but you might "dedicate myself to serving you with all the tenacity I learned in the Marines." I'm not sure the pride aspect should be there, though if it is, it should be its own sentence. Consider "People should be proud of their representatives once again, and I am someone of whom you can be proud."

I know that was confusing... so... here's my own personal "rewrite":


While campaigning to represent New Mexico's 3rd Congressional District, I have found growing dissatisfaction, even among many Democrats and Independents. During this time of reinvention, we would be wise to seek the guidance of our founders, who wrote a Constitution embodying the principles of freedom in a practical form of government. I am the only candidate in this race with a consistently Constitutional platform, and have demonstrated that I will honor the oath that I swore when I enlisted in the Marines --- even when it is unpopular.

We can win in 2010! We must return to basic integrity and core conservative principles, never compromising our values in order to pander. This campaign is proof I am willing to stay true to my beliefs! For those of you who share my passion for freedom: Thank you for your support! As your Congressman, I will dedicate myself to serving you with all the tenacity I learned in the Marines. People should be proud of their representatives once again, and I am someone of whom you can be proud!

On the back:
The top part (red) is great and even justified correctly :)

As your Congressman, Adam will stand for:
* a strong, defense-oriented military
* free market solutions to create jobs
*caring for our troops and veterans
*a respectful foreign policy
*free trade
*strong borders
*guest workers
*no amnesty
*THE CONSTITUTION (this one should be last, bold, underlined... SOMEthing)
(I agree these should be bullet points.)

You may want to play with font size a little bit. "He volunteered to go to Iraq." should not be smaller than "We had to draft him to run for Congress." in my opinion.

I dislike the use of "approximately" when it comes to salary. It sounds weak somehow. Is it "over $170,000"? Is it "nearly $170,000"? Whichever one of those applies would be stronger, and shorter. I would use "intolerable" instead of "unbearable," or even "unjust" in the interest of saving room. I would also remove "in these difficult times" if you are pressed for space. That phrase is starting to get kind of old, and believe me, everyone knows we are screwed :(

You were asking about the picture, and the way you could manage this is:
"For more information..." could be smaller, and indented a bit. In the resulting rectangular space (bottom left, above KokeshForCongress.com) you can fit the logo, and fit your photo next to the address/phone number. I would also advise you line up the phone number with the address, and tighten up that spacing.

* * *

Don't take any of this as "it stinks" ;) I love the slimjim as it is, but it's my entire job to nitpick.

[Adam Kokesh]

Next crack at the back, still looking at all the great feedback!

https://kokesh.netboots.net/sites/kokesh.netboots.net/files/imagecache/fullsize/images/Adam_Kokesh/ConVic_back2.jpg

[Adam Kokesh]

Melissa,

Thanks for all the feedback! I really appreciate the nitpicking. When you're in campaign mode, it's really hard to slow down and read something closely. I think I'm going to incorporate most of your suggestions for the next draft, but I'm going to let this thread steep for a little while and get some more feedback before I take another crack at this tomorrow.

[MR2Fast2Catch]

Looks great, Adam. It's definitely better with a picture on the back. Also, if you don't want to use bullet points, you could just put commas at the end of each line so the list of your stances don't run into each other. But I think either one would look fine, after thinking about it, the bullet-point list probably looks more organized and easier to read. So that's probably fine.

How big will the slim jim be? Just make sure it's fairly big, cause there is a lot of writing on it which could turn out pretty small after printing it.

[disorderlyvision]

I really like the "he volunteered for the marines, we had to draft him for congress" line!

I like the design, I liked some of Melissa's suggestions.

Take that hill, Adam. can't wait to see you on c-span (try not to get censured, lol)

[KCIndy]

Looks great!! I think the "revised" back section is definitely an improvement. A picture really helps personalize the message.

How many are you going to be able to print?

My only suggestion would be in regard to the revised back section. I would put a colon after the word "for" right before the bullet points, and lose the comma after the word "Constitution" in the first bullet point line.

As in:


As your Congressman, Adam will stand for:

* the Constitution with every vote

(In fact, I might rewrite the first bullet point line to read, "the Constitution when casting every vote" or, "the Constitution with every vote cast" or something similar.)

Overall, it looks great!!

[ronpaulhawaii]

I'm thinking the "jobs" line in the bullet points can move up one. That would group the military/defense policy and order it:

Constitution, Economy, Security.

Economy is the number one issue for most Americans, followed by security. (and the Constitution is the solution :D )

my $00.02

[Goldhunter27]

Great job!

The only suggestion I can think of is putting a comma after "he volunteered to go to Iraq" instead of a period.

Regardless, it kicks ass.

[Adam Kokesh]

https://kokesh.netboots.net/sites/kokesh.netboots.net/files/imagecache/fullsize/images/Adam_Kokesh/ConVic2.jpg

https://kokesh.netboots.net/sites/kokesh.netboots.net/files/imagecache/fullsize/images/Adam_Kokesh/ConVic_back4.jpg

Here is the next draft. I plan to change "demonstrated" to "shown," fix the typo (that no one caught! "incumbents" not "incumbants") and make a few words in the letter bold:

Dear Republican Primary Voter,

While campaigning to represent New Mexico’s 3rd Congressional District, I have felt a brewing discontent, even among many Democrats and Independents. In this historic time of revolutionary spirit, we are wise to seek guidance from our founders who wrote a Constitution that embodied the principles of freedom in a practical form of government. I am the only candidate in this race with a consistently Constitutional platform and have shown that even when unpopular, I will honor the oath that I swore when I enlisted in the Marines.

We can win in 2010 by getting back to basic integrity and core conservative principles, but not if we compete with incumbents at pandering. This campaign is already proof that we can win on principle! For those of you who share my passion for freedom, thank you for your support! As your Congressman, I will apply all the tenacity I learned in the Marines to serving you well, and making you proud.

Love, faith, respect,


Adam Kokesh

[Eric21ND]

These are looking great!

[nayjevin]

It is good as is, but I think it would look much better with your autograph on it. I'd pay $20.10 for that!

[Adam Kokesh]

In case anyone wants to see them, the final version can be viewed here:

http://www.kokeshforcongress.com/node/591

[MelissaWV]

In case anyone wants to see them, the final version can be viewed here:

http://www.kokeshforcongress.com/node/591

Thank you for something positive to look at today :) It's good to see someone still driven to make things better (even if they can't be perfect).

[disorderlyvision]

Looks good Adam

[nayjevin]

Thank you for something positive to look at today :) It's good to see someone still driven to make things better (even if they can't be perfect).

Yes... I think that text ended up balancing out really well.

[Promontorium]

That does look really cool.

Though from the title, I was thinking either car theft or snacks. And so, cool as the design is, I was a little let down :P

[Adam Kokesh]

http://images.buycostumes.com/mgen/merchandiser/10219.jpg

Happy now?

[John Taylor]

I just threw this together for a slim jim to be distributed with pocket Constitutions during the GOP county conventions and at other exclusively Republican events and wanted to get some feedback from the forums. It's a little hard to appreciate the color values against the forum backdrop color; they look much better against a white backdrop. Try "right-click" then "view image."

https://kokesh.netboots.net/sites/kokesh.netboots.net/files/imagecache/fullsize/images/Adam_Kokesh/ConVic.jpg

https://kokesh.netboots.net/sites/kokesh.netboots.net/files/imagecache/fullsize/images/Adam_Kokesh/ConVic_back.jpg

Not bad, I like it.

[RyanRSheets]

http://images.buycostumes.com/mgen/merchandiser/10219.jpg

Happy now?

Who is this, Darth Wader? Ridiculous pants, bro. Hair looks fake too. Might as well be wearing an obnoxiously shaped helmet with the loudest respirator you can find instead. Dude's also colored like a McDonald's and he has a barcode on his leg, so I imagine the average voter would take this as a sign that you are for sale, or you're a Big Mac, neither one of these opinions being desirable. And what about that quirky smile? It's like he just took Wite-Out to the Constitution or something, not that Wite-Out would look right on the very brown material the Constitution was originally drafted on.



Oh... wait... I see what you did there.

P.S.: I think the dress shoes are a nice touch.

[lx43]

Looks good to me Mr. Congressman. ;)