Michael Ingram
02-13-2008, 07:11 PM
We Decide ‘08
“Hello, everyone. We are here from the 2008 Presidential Debate tonight, here in beautiful Florida. I am Chris Matthews and here with me is Chris Wallace. As a show Mainstream Media’s hope for a bipartisan America we have brought the candidates from both the Democratic and Republican parties.” The audience whispered excitedly to each other.
“The format tonight is simple. We have a series of rounds planned for the debate, first, a round where only John McCain and Mitt Romney get to speak. The second round allows Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards enough time to give hopeful and cordial introductory messages. The third round will involve both the Democrats and Republicans exchanging words in an open debate centering on questions voted on by our audience over the internet. The candidates are arranged on the stage in reverse alphabetical order with minor, although important, network-decided revisions. These include Romney being placed on the far right side of the stage, so that the draft blowing in from one of the emergency exit doors does not dishevel his hair and Hillary Clinton using the podium with the weakest microphone, so that her cackle does not interrupt other candidates from speaking. Candidates other than McCain, Romney, Clinton, or Obama; we will try to fit you in, but there are no promises as we must fill our time-slot requirement of eleven Cialis commercials. And of course, this is all with the goal of you, the candidates, side-stepping the questions as much as possible.
And let us begin. Mitt Romney, there has been some doubt as to whether you supported the surge from the start. Are these fears true?”
“Of course not, I have been dedicated to a permanent United States presence in Iraq, and I have never stated that we would withdraw.”
John Mccain quickly interjected, filling his role as Romney’s sparring partner, “No, you supported a ‘timetable’ for withdrawal, which everyone knows is the secret buzzword for unconditional surrender, or ‘waving the white flag’ as my friends Jack Kemp and Phil Gramm say.’”
“Please Senator McCain, these claims are outrageous and practically character defamation, Ronald Reagan would not support of this, when did I say that we needed to withdraw from Iraq?”
“You said, ‘lay in the weeds until we’re gone.’” The candidates and audience fell silent. No one could decipher what John McCain was trying to say. Willard Romney had a puzzled look on his face, until Chris Wallace read the entire quote, stating how Romney said there should be secret milestones that must be met, so that the enemy cannot just lie in the weeds until we leave Iraq.
“Aha! Governor Romney said it, “timetables”, he said the enemy has to wait in the weeds until we leave, that means we’re leaving, if we weren’t leaving, how could the enemy lay in the weeds?”
“I would never think of uttering such a thing. As President, I will be dedicated towards completing the mission, and securing the profits of the military-industrial complex.” The audience joined together in applause.
Chris Matthews directed another question towards John McCain as the other candidates sat on the other side of the stage, “Senator McCain what was meant by your ‘100 years in Iraq’ comment?”
“My friends, what I was saying was that it was American casualties in Iraq, not American presence in Iraq that was the problem. Al Qaeda did say that American presence in the Middle East was the reason for the attacks on September 11—we can ignore that though. I believe, however, that they attacked us because we drink beer and women have equal job opportunities.” The audience applauded, reassured that -America could do no wrong.
Now a question for you, Ron Paul. “If you do not get the GOP nomination, would you consider running as an independent or third party candidate?”
“No, I believe that I am a Republican and that there is no reason for me to run as an independent, but if I may return to the question posed to my opponents--”
Chris Wallace quickly interjected before Paul could say anything, “No, uh, not right now, sorry, you will get to answer this question later, I promise, I promise.”
“Moving on to Governor Huckabee, what is your belief in the Bible?”
“Well, I believe in the Bible very strongly and it is the basis for my values and opinions, but if I may return to the question of Iraq--”
“Not right now, you will be absolutely showered with questions later, just hold on a minute.”
Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards, we will now be opening up the floor to you. The candidates paused, looked at each other, whereupon Hillary Clinton whispered, “Speech #2”, and held up two fingers. The candidates nodded in approval of Hillary’s speech decision and they all spoke in unison, “A time for change has come. America must abandon the old way and start the new way…” Bill Clinton, sitting in the audience, fell asleep at this point, but the Democrats continued for some time and stopped at one point to talk about the “Ten Planks” that were written by some German philosopher and economist, and the audience thoroughly enjoyed it. The thought of large government bureaucracies and mind-numbing slogans gave them great comfort.
“Now a question for Barack Obama. If you do not win your party’s nomination would accept the position of becoming Hillary Clinton’s vice president?”
“I think it is too early to decide on that one because I plan on winning the nomination. Also, this summer I will be going on the “Party Like a Barack Star Summer Music Tour”. In conjunction with my official campaign this tour will feature acts from the likes of Will.i.am from the Black Eyed Peas and U2. Tickets will go on sale March 15, 2008 through Ticketmaster.”
“That sound like fun,” Chris Wallace said excitedly, “but that’s all the time we have tonight. We hope to see you all for another debate three days from now, just in time for the all-important Missouri primary. From Mainstream Media, this is Chris Wallace. We Decide ’08.”
“Hello, everyone. We are here from the 2008 Presidential Debate tonight, here in beautiful Florida. I am Chris Matthews and here with me is Chris Wallace. As a show Mainstream Media’s hope for a bipartisan America we have brought the candidates from both the Democratic and Republican parties.” The audience whispered excitedly to each other.
“The format tonight is simple. We have a series of rounds planned for the debate, first, a round where only John McCain and Mitt Romney get to speak. The second round allows Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards enough time to give hopeful and cordial introductory messages. The third round will involve both the Democrats and Republicans exchanging words in an open debate centering on questions voted on by our audience over the internet. The candidates are arranged on the stage in reverse alphabetical order with minor, although important, network-decided revisions. These include Romney being placed on the far right side of the stage, so that the draft blowing in from one of the emergency exit doors does not dishevel his hair and Hillary Clinton using the podium with the weakest microphone, so that her cackle does not interrupt other candidates from speaking. Candidates other than McCain, Romney, Clinton, or Obama; we will try to fit you in, but there are no promises as we must fill our time-slot requirement of eleven Cialis commercials. And of course, this is all with the goal of you, the candidates, side-stepping the questions as much as possible.
And let us begin. Mitt Romney, there has been some doubt as to whether you supported the surge from the start. Are these fears true?”
“Of course not, I have been dedicated to a permanent United States presence in Iraq, and I have never stated that we would withdraw.”
John Mccain quickly interjected, filling his role as Romney’s sparring partner, “No, you supported a ‘timetable’ for withdrawal, which everyone knows is the secret buzzword for unconditional surrender, or ‘waving the white flag’ as my friends Jack Kemp and Phil Gramm say.’”
“Please Senator McCain, these claims are outrageous and practically character defamation, Ronald Reagan would not support of this, when did I say that we needed to withdraw from Iraq?”
“You said, ‘lay in the weeds until we’re gone.’” The candidates and audience fell silent. No one could decipher what John McCain was trying to say. Willard Romney had a puzzled look on his face, until Chris Wallace read the entire quote, stating how Romney said there should be secret milestones that must be met, so that the enemy cannot just lie in the weeds until we leave Iraq.
“Aha! Governor Romney said it, “timetables”, he said the enemy has to wait in the weeds until we leave, that means we’re leaving, if we weren’t leaving, how could the enemy lay in the weeds?”
“I would never think of uttering such a thing. As President, I will be dedicated towards completing the mission, and securing the profits of the military-industrial complex.” The audience joined together in applause.
Chris Matthews directed another question towards John McCain as the other candidates sat on the other side of the stage, “Senator McCain what was meant by your ‘100 years in Iraq’ comment?”
“My friends, what I was saying was that it was American casualties in Iraq, not American presence in Iraq that was the problem. Al Qaeda did say that American presence in the Middle East was the reason for the attacks on September 11—we can ignore that though. I believe, however, that they attacked us because we drink beer and women have equal job opportunities.” The audience applauded, reassured that -America could do no wrong.
Now a question for you, Ron Paul. “If you do not get the GOP nomination, would you consider running as an independent or third party candidate?”
“No, I believe that I am a Republican and that there is no reason for me to run as an independent, but if I may return to the question posed to my opponents--”
Chris Wallace quickly interjected before Paul could say anything, “No, uh, not right now, sorry, you will get to answer this question later, I promise, I promise.”
“Moving on to Governor Huckabee, what is your belief in the Bible?”
“Well, I believe in the Bible very strongly and it is the basis for my values and opinions, but if I may return to the question of Iraq--”
“Not right now, you will be absolutely showered with questions later, just hold on a minute.”
Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards, we will now be opening up the floor to you. The candidates paused, looked at each other, whereupon Hillary Clinton whispered, “Speech #2”, and held up two fingers. The candidates nodded in approval of Hillary’s speech decision and they all spoke in unison, “A time for change has come. America must abandon the old way and start the new way…” Bill Clinton, sitting in the audience, fell asleep at this point, but the Democrats continued for some time and stopped at one point to talk about the “Ten Planks” that were written by some German philosopher and economist, and the audience thoroughly enjoyed it. The thought of large government bureaucracies and mind-numbing slogans gave them great comfort.
“Now a question for Barack Obama. If you do not win your party’s nomination would accept the position of becoming Hillary Clinton’s vice president?”
“I think it is too early to decide on that one because I plan on winning the nomination. Also, this summer I will be going on the “Party Like a Barack Star Summer Music Tour”. In conjunction with my official campaign this tour will feature acts from the likes of Will.i.am from the Black Eyed Peas and U2. Tickets will go on sale March 15, 2008 through Ticketmaster.”
“That sound like fun,” Chris Wallace said excitedly, “but that’s all the time we have tonight. We hope to see you all for another debate three days from now, just in time for the all-important Missouri primary. From Mainstream Media, this is Chris Wallace. We Decide ’08.”