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02-06-2008, 03:13 PM
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BN 09/26 Chuck Norris's Tears Might Solve Credit Crunch: Mark Gilbert
Commentary by Mark Gilbert
Sept. 27 (Bloomberg) -- A famous series of jokes uses the
actor Chuck Norris, martial artist and star of ``Walker, Texas
Ranger,'' as a paragon of masculinity and omnipotence. ``Guns
don't kill people, Chuck Norris kills people,'' goes one. ``Chuck
Norris doesn't get wet, water gets Chuck Norris,'' goes another.
Similar thinking can be applied to the current state of
financial markets. Here, then, is the world of money recast in
Chuck Norris terms.
Chuck Norris doesn't target inflation. He roundhouse-kicks
it until it begs for mercy.
The Chuck Norris dollar buys 3 Canadian dollars, and trades
at parity with the euro.
Chuck Norris doesn't supply collateral, only collateral
damage.
The tears of Chuck Norris would supply enough liquidity to
solve the credit crisis. Too bad he never cries.
When the yield on a Chuck Norris bond goes up, the price
also rises.
Chuck Norris trades on fear and greed simultaneously.
Alan Greenspan calls Chuck Norris ``The Maestro.''
Chuck Norris has already banked his dividend payment from
Northern Rock Plc.
Chuck Norris funds at Libor flat.
Chuck Norris Asset Management made 50 percent on its
subprime mortgage-backed bond fund last month.
Chuck Norris doesn't borrow at the Fed's discount window.
Chuck Norris LENDS at the Fed's discount window.
Chuck Norris's curves never invert.
Net income at Goldman Sachs Group Inc. rose 79 percent in
the third quarter; profit at Chuck Norris Securities Inc. climbed
80 percent.
There is no market regulator. Just a list of securities
Chuck Norris allows to be traded.
Chuck's iPhone never needs recharging.
Chuck Norris doesn't buy gold to hedge against inflation.
Gold buys Chuck Norris to hedge against inflation.
Chuck Norris charges the Bank of England a penalty rate for
borrowing. And guarantees its deposits.
Chuck Norris is the pilot Ben Bernanke calls when he wants
to shower the economy with dollar bills. Sometimes, Chuck refuses
to fly.
Chuck Norris gets ALL of his funding from the asset-backed
commercial paper market.
Chuck Norris doesn't mark-to-market. The market marks to
Chuck Norris.
When the U.S. economy sneezes, the world catches a cold.
When Chuck Norris sneezes, the U.S. economy catches pneumonia.
When Chuck Norris makes you a price, it isn't an offer; it's
an obligation to buy.
Chuck Norris isn't a market maker; he IS the market.
Chuck Norris can still get a 125 percent mortgage on a $2
million condo without providing proof of earnings.
Chuck Norris subprime collateralized debt obligations still
trade at 100 percent of face value.
Chuck completed Halo 3 on his Microsoft Corp. Xbox 360 on
the day before the computer game went on sale.
Chuck Norris has a trade surplus with China.
(Mark Gilbert is a Bloomberg News columnist. The opinions
expressed are his own. Click on {LETT <GO>} to comment on this
column and write a letter to the editor.)
--Editor: Henry (jmg).
BN 09/26 Chuck Norris's Tears Might Solve Credit Crunch: Mark Gilbert
Commentary by Mark Gilbert
Sept. 27 (Bloomberg) -- A famous series of jokes uses the
actor Chuck Norris, martial artist and star of ``Walker, Texas
Ranger,'' as a paragon of masculinity and omnipotence. ``Guns
don't kill people, Chuck Norris kills people,'' goes one. ``Chuck
Norris doesn't get wet, water gets Chuck Norris,'' goes another.
Similar thinking can be applied to the current state of
financial markets. Here, then, is the world of money recast in
Chuck Norris terms.
Chuck Norris doesn't target inflation. He roundhouse-kicks
it until it begs for mercy.
The Chuck Norris dollar buys 3 Canadian dollars, and trades
at parity with the euro.
Chuck Norris doesn't supply collateral, only collateral
damage.
The tears of Chuck Norris would supply enough liquidity to
solve the credit crisis. Too bad he never cries.
When the yield on a Chuck Norris bond goes up, the price
also rises.
Chuck Norris trades on fear and greed simultaneously.
Alan Greenspan calls Chuck Norris ``The Maestro.''
Chuck Norris has already banked his dividend payment from
Northern Rock Plc.
Chuck Norris funds at Libor flat.
Chuck Norris Asset Management made 50 percent on its
subprime mortgage-backed bond fund last month.
Chuck Norris doesn't borrow at the Fed's discount window.
Chuck Norris LENDS at the Fed's discount window.
Chuck Norris's curves never invert.
Net income at Goldman Sachs Group Inc. rose 79 percent in
the third quarter; profit at Chuck Norris Securities Inc. climbed
80 percent.
There is no market regulator. Just a list of securities
Chuck Norris allows to be traded.
Chuck's iPhone never needs recharging.
Chuck Norris doesn't buy gold to hedge against inflation.
Gold buys Chuck Norris to hedge against inflation.
Chuck Norris charges the Bank of England a penalty rate for
borrowing. And guarantees its deposits.
Chuck Norris is the pilot Ben Bernanke calls when he wants
to shower the economy with dollar bills. Sometimes, Chuck refuses
to fly.
Chuck Norris gets ALL of his funding from the asset-backed
commercial paper market.
Chuck Norris doesn't mark-to-market. The market marks to
Chuck Norris.
When the U.S. economy sneezes, the world catches a cold.
When Chuck Norris sneezes, the U.S. economy catches pneumonia.
When Chuck Norris makes you a price, it isn't an offer; it's
an obligation to buy.
Chuck Norris isn't a market maker; he IS the market.
Chuck Norris can still get a 125 percent mortgage on a $2
million condo without providing proof of earnings.
Chuck Norris subprime collateralized debt obligations still
trade at 100 percent of face value.
Chuck completed Halo 3 on his Microsoft Corp. Xbox 360 on
the day before the computer game went on sale.
Chuck Norris has a trade surplus with China.
(Mark Gilbert is a Bloomberg News columnist. The opinions
expressed are his own. Click on {LETT <GO>} to comment on this
column and write a letter to the editor.)
--Editor: Henry (jmg).