acptulsa
01-27-2008, 02:42 PM
You know, if you liberals out there are half as compassionate as you claim to be, you’ll have pity on us poor Republicans this year. After all, we’re in an awful fix.
We’ve got a rich pretty boy shamelessly pandering to us, which usually perks us right up. Unfortunately, he’s a flip-flopper, about as funny as a crutch, and running on his record. That last part doesn’t sound so bad—until you actually look at it. Seems he started out a corporate raider laying Americans off, and wound up the governor who oversaw the costly, leaky, downright deadly Boston Big Dig.
We’ve got a preacher, too—and he has a sense of humor. That made us happy for a while. He’s dumb as a post, but that’s o.k. But then he went around hinting that he’d turn the Constitution over to the Southern Baptist Convention for some tweaking, and every protestant from the Presbyterians all the way to the Pentacostals know exactly what that means. You know they’ve got a special compound in heaven just for the Southern Baptists? Its because they think they’re the only ones up there.
We’ve got a fearmonger to keep us up at night, too. He’s great! He’s better than a horror movie—in fact, he looks like he ought to be in a horror movie. If Hollywood had gotten him to play Jason, they wouldn’t’ve needed that dumb hockey mask! The catch there is he can’t keep his manhood in his pants, he’s been divorced almost as often as Johnny Carson, and (worst of all) he’s from New York City.
Then there’s the guy a lot of people say is a war hero. We’ve been waiting all these years for him to get old enough to know better, but damn if he doesn’t still have foot-in-mouth disease. First he said he’d keep us fighting in Iraq even after all the oil’s long gone, which makes no sense at all. Then he tried to kick out the Chancellor of Germany and put the old head of the K.G.B. in her place, which makes even less sense. We just don’t think that’s why Reagan had them tear down that old wall. And now he went off claiming to know something about economics—but when he got asked a question about it, he came off making Miss Teen South Carolina look downright smart! Lord have mercy.
Then there’s that other guy. He’s so smart he’s actually figured out how to keep the old folks on Social Security. He not only likes the Second Amendment, he likes the other nine parts of the Bill of Rights, too. He’s so law-and-order he thinks even the politicians and the rich people ought to behave themselves. He’s so pro-family he’s delivered thousands of babies and he’s been married fifty-one years—to the same woman! He’s been in the House voting against tax hikes for two decades, and he’s turned down so many bribes that the lobbyists all call him Dr. No. No wonder all the others think he’s a kook. Why, he’s the most radical Republican since Abraham Lincoln himself!
He looks pretty damned good, but the press keeps saying he can’t win the nomination. Now, as often as we cuss about the media, you’d think we’d tell them to stick it and elect him just to shut them the hell up. But if we were brave enough to do things like that, they couldn’t call us “Ditto-Heads”.
To add insult to injury, there’s an establishment candidate in the race—trying to set up a dynasty, in fact—mouthing all the old cliches. We can’t vote for her, though—she’s the one thing we hated most about Bill Clinton!
So take a Republican couple to lunch. Feel our pain. Go the extra mile and buy us a nice autographed photo of Barry Goldwater off of ebay.
But whatever you do, don’t tell us that Barry Goldwater, Jr. is supporting Ron Paul. We might just nominate the good doctor—and beat you in the general election!
Like it? You may send it to whomever you think will print it, or blog it where you will--if you attribute it to me (under acptulsa, please).
I have already posted it on the Fray at Slate.com. If you like it enough to think it will be popular, please enter a post saying where you're going to post it. Hope you enjoyed it!
We’ve got a rich pretty boy shamelessly pandering to us, which usually perks us right up. Unfortunately, he’s a flip-flopper, about as funny as a crutch, and running on his record. That last part doesn’t sound so bad—until you actually look at it. Seems he started out a corporate raider laying Americans off, and wound up the governor who oversaw the costly, leaky, downright deadly Boston Big Dig.
We’ve got a preacher, too—and he has a sense of humor. That made us happy for a while. He’s dumb as a post, but that’s o.k. But then he went around hinting that he’d turn the Constitution over to the Southern Baptist Convention for some tweaking, and every protestant from the Presbyterians all the way to the Pentacostals know exactly what that means. You know they’ve got a special compound in heaven just for the Southern Baptists? Its because they think they’re the only ones up there.
We’ve got a fearmonger to keep us up at night, too. He’s great! He’s better than a horror movie—in fact, he looks like he ought to be in a horror movie. If Hollywood had gotten him to play Jason, they wouldn’t’ve needed that dumb hockey mask! The catch there is he can’t keep his manhood in his pants, he’s been divorced almost as often as Johnny Carson, and (worst of all) he’s from New York City.
Then there’s the guy a lot of people say is a war hero. We’ve been waiting all these years for him to get old enough to know better, but damn if he doesn’t still have foot-in-mouth disease. First he said he’d keep us fighting in Iraq even after all the oil’s long gone, which makes no sense at all. Then he tried to kick out the Chancellor of Germany and put the old head of the K.G.B. in her place, which makes even less sense. We just don’t think that’s why Reagan had them tear down that old wall. And now he went off claiming to know something about economics—but when he got asked a question about it, he came off making Miss Teen South Carolina look downright smart! Lord have mercy.
Then there’s that other guy. He’s so smart he’s actually figured out how to keep the old folks on Social Security. He not only likes the Second Amendment, he likes the other nine parts of the Bill of Rights, too. He’s so law-and-order he thinks even the politicians and the rich people ought to behave themselves. He’s so pro-family he’s delivered thousands of babies and he’s been married fifty-one years—to the same woman! He’s been in the House voting against tax hikes for two decades, and he’s turned down so many bribes that the lobbyists all call him Dr. No. No wonder all the others think he’s a kook. Why, he’s the most radical Republican since Abraham Lincoln himself!
He looks pretty damned good, but the press keeps saying he can’t win the nomination. Now, as often as we cuss about the media, you’d think we’d tell them to stick it and elect him just to shut them the hell up. But if we were brave enough to do things like that, they couldn’t call us “Ditto-Heads”.
To add insult to injury, there’s an establishment candidate in the race—trying to set up a dynasty, in fact—mouthing all the old cliches. We can’t vote for her, though—she’s the one thing we hated most about Bill Clinton!
So take a Republican couple to lunch. Feel our pain. Go the extra mile and buy us a nice autographed photo of Barry Goldwater off of ebay.
But whatever you do, don’t tell us that Barry Goldwater, Jr. is supporting Ron Paul. We might just nominate the good doctor—and beat you in the general election!
Like it? You may send it to whomever you think will print it, or blog it where you will--if you attribute it to me (under acptulsa, please).
I have already posted it on the Fray at Slate.com. If you like it enough to think it will be popular, please enter a post saying where you're going to post it. Hope you enjoyed it!